Quiet BPD - Shock and Trauma After 23 Years

[Endtimes]

Hello, this is my first post. I have read many posts from loved ones of pwBPD and I have found few with my experience. I am truly at a loss and looking for advice.

I have been with my husband for 23 years. Our lives/marriage fell apart last year after some revelations about addiction, and he was diagnosed with BPD.

I would like to begin with what my experience was prior to last year. Him and I were best friends, inseparable, so close, great intimacy, such happiness. We had problems like anyone else, most of which I thought were normal, but on top of those problems he head what I thought was an anxiety disorder. We moved to a new city with our children (14 and 21) 3 years ago, and it has been the best years of our marriage. I thought I had a perfect life. Our family relationship and family dynamic was amazing, we all thought so, and others referred to us as a perfect family. Last year I finally got more personal time and all the crises in my life had settled (deaths, illnesses, extended family drama), and so I really focused on my relationship with my husband and noticed things were off. We were becoming more open and intimate and then I noticed weird behaviour and lies. Long story short, I found out he was a porn addict and a shopping addict. So much came out through shear force trickle truth and my life shattered. This man who made me feel like the only woman on Earth, the only woman he had eyes for (which he would say obsessively) was not only watching immense amounts of porn and masturbating at work and taking insane amounts of pills for erectile dysfunction, had also flirted with a 20 year old, thought about cheating on me multiple times, had sexual fantasies (he calls them intrusive thoughts) about his 20 year old employee, turned into a creep on Facebook, and was checking out woman (mostly young) when he would go out. He also spent tens of thousands on so many things from shoes, to fitness equipment, clothes, etc. He hid it all from me! I trusted him more than anyone I knew, I was blindsided and felt like my world would not stop spinning. I now have betrayal trauma and CPTSD. The last year we have been trying to work through things, but he has become so emotionally and psychologically abusive and has threatened to kill himself numerous times if I leave. He can't give me space - actually can't let me be by myself if we have had an argument, has traumatized me and our kids, and has gone off the deep end. I have had to call the police a few times, but he has never physically harmed me. I am shocked, devastated, and confused, and clearly not learning the gravity of my situation quickly enough.

My therapist has called his behaviour parasitic (she has experience with BPD) and our situation not sustainable. He pushes me over the edge because I am already traumatized and he won't stop lying and won't give me space and I am trapped. He is doing DBT and seeing a therapist, but his fear of abandonment is so severe that nothing is helping. I am not helping either. I am now compelled dysregulated. I go from intense rage, to sobbing, to trying to support him and be empathetic (I have loved this man half my life). I have recently realized that I am and have always been in an abusive relationship. But it was all happening so quietly and I thought I was the bad one because I would get angry at him. Manipulation, lies, gaslighting, these things have really messed me up psychologically. He wants to get better so bad, he is willing to try anything, he begs me not to give up on him, he has such shame and guilt for his behaviour, but he won't stop hurting me and lying.

Last night I snapped and kicked him out. He ended up with nowhere to go, threatened suicide, police were involved. My Mother and son live with us, and my daughter nearby. They all want me to leave him (although my son is on the fence). We cannot afford for him to move out and keep the house, so we are trying no contact for 30 days while living in the same house. We need a therapeutic separation but this is all that is available unless we sell the house and I cut my losses and leave. I am also financially dependent, which I now see was by design. I am feeling confused and trapped. I am also conflicted, but feeling like it's time to leave him. I know I trigger him with my anger and rage in response to his betrayal, lying, and my trauma. But I can bury my emotions and after a year of this I am so exhausted and spent. Advice?

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[Horselover]

Hi Endtimes,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

Can you clarify something - for 20 years none of these behaviours were present, and they all appeared last year? That is highly unusual for someone with BPD in my experience (if anyone else has a different experience, let me know). I'm just wondering if he was diagnosed correctly?

[Endtimes]

He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with 8 out of 9 criteria. One therapist who works nearly solely with borderlines and worked with us as a couple, told me he is one of the worst cases he has seen. He also said that my history made me somewhat of a perfect partner for someone with BPD, and that I was primed for gaslighting because of my childhood. The addictions were revealed last year - he had been hiding them for nearly our entire marriage. There were other behaviours present (avoidance of conflict, irrational fear of me cheating) which I chalked up to his severe anxiety. I thought I was helping him manage an anxiety disorder. Looking back now, I realize that there was so much psychological and emotional abuse. He made me feel like I was the problem with our conflict and I slowly started to believe him. When we had arguments, I struggled with anger and often resorted yelling - even worse, I would sometimes resort to name calling. He pointed out my behaviour and I felt so terrible. It took me awhile to see, but when I did, I worked to overcome it and get rid of any anger and try to be more empathetic and accepting. Turns out my anger was protective, on some level I was responding to the abuse I encountered as a child. I am so thankful I had that anger now, I would be an empty shel with nothing left. Looking back, I almost never started angry. I would come to him and try to talk about what he did that hurt me or bothered me. He gaslit me and manipulated me so badly. He never cared about how he hurt me, he just needed to win an argument. He talked in circles until everything became so confused I didn't know what we were arguing about anymore. He has recently admitted to doing that to end arguments and not have to face anything. He learned EVERYTHING about me and preyed on my vulnerabilities. I don't believe it was premeditated. He has controlled so much of my life and I had no idea. I have recently read other people's experiences with a quiet BPD, and what hit me the hardest is when someone said it is like coming out of a fever dream. I trusted him so fully, and he has been lying to me for 20 years. There is clearly something wrong with me - I went from one emotionally abusive relationship in childhood to another in adulthood. I am devastated. I truly thought I was choosing a safe partner, he acted in a completely opposite way to what I was raised with, which made me feel like I was choosing an entirely different life. At times he made me feel so loved and that is the narrative I kept in my head. He seemed to worship the ground I walked on. Yet, now looking back, I always ended up in arguments with him because he never supported me, never stood up for me, let his family treat me like garbage. I overlooked the basic respect that was lacking because he would then love bomb me and make me feel like he would do anything for me. He often did do anything for me. I came to believe that it was anxiety that caused those disrespectful behaviours and a dysfunctional upbringing. There is just so much here. The splitting mostly happened in his head from what I know. He has told me that he always fantasized about being with other people  imagining a perfect and unconditional loving relationship - and then there was porn and Facebook creeping. He is very socially awkward and has likely not had many opportunities if any to cheat, I imagine he would have if he did. I am still trying to find out what is true, he passed a polygraph for infidelity but who knows. I am not sure it matters anymore. He is so mentally ill and traumatizing me and our kids. He is so unstable and paranoid and acting out for any kind of attention or doing anything to stop me from leaving. I am in so much pain, and I am so scared. I built a family and a life with him for 23 years. I am heartbroken to the point I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, and I am also finically dependent on him.

[ForeverDad]

That your spouse threatened suicide yet hasn't yet attempted it is an indication that he is is not serious about suicide.  Quite likely he is using that threat as a strategy to pressure and guilt you into being manipulated to stay in the marriage.

Of course, we are remote and are only here as peer support and thus cannot determine whether he is suicidal.  Nor are you expected to assess his mental state.  Threats of suicide or abusive behavior merit calls to emergency services and let the professionals handle the rest.

There is a risk that once called, he will deny it to them, so have witnesses or a recording if possible.

If you conclude that the marriage has failed, then you can also post on our Separating & Divorcing board.  Many of us have been in your shoes and "been there, experienced that".  We've survived the distress and found new chapters in our lives.  Not easy nor simple but it does get more manageable once you are on a better path.

[Endtimes]

That is exactly what happened Friday night - when he left I called police and he denied it. We are now in a 30-day minimal contact therapeutic separation for 30 days in the same house so that he can stabilize. It has gone well for the past 48 hrs. I told him if he can make it 30 days, I will try couples therapy again afterward. We will remain separated, but review the terms of the separation by maybe adding check-ins where we actually talk. Right now we only communicate through email about the house, dogs, and kids.

My whole family is in shock. We all feel like we are living with a stranger. I think this is what is stopping me from handling things well. I can't see clearly what I am dealing with.

He seems to be willing to do anything to recover and stay in this marriage. He quit porn and shopping cold turkey for 1 year now, I have accountability apps, and there were other signs that suggest that is true that I won't include here. He seems so legitimatley ashamed and disgusted. But he can only hold the shame and guilt so long. He reverts back to minimizing, denial, and lying. I think I still don't know the whole truth. He has broke down crying so many times. When I have been able to get through to him to show him how much he has hurt me, he falls apart. He had a panic attack last week when we were talking, it's like it hit him all at once. He kept saying he wants to run...over and over, screaming it at the top of his lungs, then saying he wants to run from himself, that he can't be this person. He keeps saying he is a good person, he didn't know he was sick, he doesn't understand how he could do all these things. There have been a few times where he seemed to have empathy but it is always so fleeting and ends up being about his fear and loss. He has been on and off so many types of meds, the only thing that really worked was an antipsychotic, but the side effect were too bad. This is the part that is conflicting. He seems to be facing himself, but not getting better. He keeps saying he needs solid ground to stand on (he means reassurance and safety), but I cannot give that to him anymore because I am unsafe. A year ago I was supporting, non-judgemental, and empathetic, but he never stopped lying and it crushed me.

I guess I am unsure if there is any hope, and I am looking for other to show me the light so to speak. I understand that no one can tell me what to do, or how this will go. I am just looking for clarity.

[Notwendy]

It's hard to think clearly in the midst of this kind of crisis. Growing up in a home with abuse, you learned to cope with this by being on alert all the time and disconnecting from your own feelings. This was a survival skill for you. Keep in mind that advice from posters here doesn't override what your therapist has advised. This is my own advice, having grown up with family disorder. The survival skills you learned growing up had their function in your family as a child- and now, I think it would help to take the focus off your H and on to you.

You didn't cause your H's disorder and his behavior is not your fault. Due to BPD, he may blame you, gaslight you, and be in victim perspective. You didn't cause this, and you can not fix it for him. He would have to do the work with a therapist himself but also be cautious. Real change is slow and takes time- over years, not quickly. He may make quick changes when motivated by his fear of you leaving but that isn't indicative of long term change.

His addictions are also not because of you or even about you. All addictions are a form of escape of uncomfortable feelings. Having fantasies and a fantasy woman is not due to you, it's that a real person can't live up to a fantasy, always available (on computer) one, and you are a real person. He's found that doing what he's doing is a form of temporary relief from his emotions- that is all it is, like all addictions are.

Self care is essential. With your focus on his behavior and feelings and crisis, it's possible to lose connection with yourself. You need some time to yourself where you feel safe and your nervous system isn't on high alert around him- this can be something like taking a walk in a park, going for coffee and sitting by yourself, go to a movie- do things where you can be alone with your thoughts, to help you calm down and sort things out.

IMHO, I'd stop discussing the relationship, leaving, or what he has done with him. It's understandable to want to talk things out, to get some resolution, to get accountability. For someone with BPD, they may not be able to process this much shame, and they may dissociate or act out. This isn't because they aren't accountable, or that you can't want to be able to talk this out- it's that it doesn't work, it's not good use of your time or mental energy to do so. That is better spent on self care.

Your feelings are valid- the feeling of betrayal, anger, all are real. It's just that directing them at a pwBPD, they may just reflect them back (projection) and it doesn't help to feel better. Speaking to your therapist, someone who can be of support to you, is more helpful.

One resource that may help you in addition to therapy is ACA, CODA. These groups have helped me to understand the dynamics in families as well as addictions. It's for you only- not for him. They are not designed to treat BPD. The dynamics where there's a disordered person in a family are similar to that with a person with addiction, and sometimes both coexist as you see here. ACA is especially helpful to adult children who grew up with this.

I think when you are able to turn your focus on to your thoughts, do some self care, and get support as you are doing (and consider ACA too) you may find some moments of calm for yourself.