Quiet borderline

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just found this site as most do after a sudden break up with my ex after an amazing 8 month relationship. As most do i have been lost these last 6 weeks with what happened and eventually came across BPD and this site and everything seems to make more sense.

The ex is not officially diagnosed but I'm 99% sure she's a quiet borderline. She had a poor view of herself, never seemed as if she felt she should be with me and was a major pleaser doing everything to keep me happy.

The split was sudden and out of the blue a week before Xmas, a week after booking a huge vacation and a day after sending the most loving messages. she hasn't taken a call since and the messages I got post breakup were so angry it's untrue, even though we were having trivial conversations and not arguing. I'm blocked on Facebook and number is blocked now but what's app and email free.

She is stringing things out as said she will repay money she owes in April so I know we will have contact at some point in the future. Just want to know if anyone else has been split black by a quiet borderline and been given  the silent treatment. How long has it lasted? is leaving them to sort themselves out the only real option?

Has anyone moved on and been contacted by a quiet borderline down the line or as these people are generally quieter do they never reappear again. Has anyone actually got back with a quiet bordlerline? Would love to know people thoughts and experiences

[Careca9]

Just found this site as most do after a sudden break up with my ex after an amazing 8 month relationship. As most do i have been lost these last 6 weeks with what happened and eventually came across BPD and this site and everything seems to make more sense.

The ex is not officially diagnosed but I'm 99% sure she's a quiet borderline. She had a poor view of herself, never seemed as if she felt she should be with me and was a major pleaser doing everything to keep me happy.

The split was sudden and out of the blue a week before Xmas, a week after booking a huge vacation and a day after sending the most loving messages. she hasn't taken a call since and the messages I got post breakup were so angry it's untrue, even though we were having trivial conversations and not arguing. I'm blocked on Facebook and number is blocked now but what's app and email free.

She is stringing things out as said she will repay money she owes in April so I know we will have contact at some point in the future. Just want to know if anyone else has been split black by a quiet borderline and been given  the silent treatment. How long has it lasted? is leaving them to sort themselves out the only real option?

Has anyone moved on and been contacted by a quiet borderline down the line or as these people are generally quieter do they never reappear again. Has anyone actually got back with a quiet bordlerline? Would love to know people thoughts and experiences

[Keef]

Welcome to BPD Family Careca9. I'm sorry this has happened to you!

Are you thinking the upcoming vacation triggered her sudden change and withdrawal? I'm asking since I think this would be common for borderline persons, or persons showing strong character traits of emotional instability. My ex responded quite heavily to similar things, although she'd not often explain why. Some times she would be fine (such as when meeting my family or friends etc) but accuse me of things afterwards, sometimes months later.

I hope you don't think you did anything wrong, it's easy to blame oneself after something like this.

Now to your questions,

Has anyone actually got back with a quiet bordlerline?

Many here, probably most of us, have been through several rounds of recycling. It is perfectly understandable. We want to do better, we want our partner to do better. We know we can't change the other one but we're hoping they would take a look at themselves from some distance. That kind of hope is most often futile in this kind of dysfunctional relationship, since a pwBPD/pw strong BPD traits isn't as willing to change as much as wanting to change you. Expectations you would hardly be able to live up to! I went back to my ex. Some would describe her as 'quiet', 'waif-like' etc. She wasn't very quiet with me though, she would turn aggressive quite often. But well, she seems to be on the hermit-side, prefers a lot of 'me-time', which I now suspect is because she really can't handle the company of others. She has not returned (I have stayed NC since late December, one month post break-up. Not easy but most probably worth it).

Do you miss your partner? The push & pull would add to such feelings.

is leaving them to sort themselves out the only real option?

I think so. Can I ask you, what would you want to do for her apart from what you've surely done? From my own experience I know that my ex after all couldn't and wouldn't appreciate my support since she after all was resilient to changing her own behaviour. She would blame me for not doing enough when I thought I was doing just about more than enough. It's very very tricky.

Concerning the money she owes you I think you got that right, it does sound like stringing things out!

You've described your situation well. So, how do you feel right now? Eight months is quite some time, especially spent with an emotionally unstable person.

Keep posting. We'll be pleased to help you turn stones! Take care,
Keef

[Careca9]

thanks for the reply keef! nice to know there are people out there in similar situations and it was great to hear your views.

in answering your questions, i imagine the vacation had a major impact although i'm only new to finding out about traits of suspected BPD sufferers. however, reviewing things it must have contributed, probably not the booking of it but having it on the mind combined with the upcoming christmas and all that comes with that and seeing families. interesting to know your ex responded in similar ways, i dont blame myself i couldn't have done anything else its just such a shame and with it coming at that time and literally out of nowhere it hurts a lot.

i do obviously miss her, like most people with a first break from a quiet borderline i imagine they would do. no arguments, no issues, just silence and angry messages its hardly enough to put you off someone you have grown hugely attached to in 8 months. it may have been different if there had been arguments or confrontational parts of the break up, but with it being like someone has cut and run for no reason its not easy to switch off. She did tell me she had done this twice before in her earlier years 16-20 (now 31) and never recontacted so i wonder if that trend will continue or not. the money situation means contact is inevitable so will have to see. Does your ex literally disappear and refuse to contact and then eventually come back and make contact off her own back or have you done the chasing and then she has eventually responded? Will you go back again if she returns?

my ex was also quiet, has few friends and preferred a lot of ' me time' which i also think now is because she cant handle the company of others too much. she was good though at projecting a really happy fun image when out with friends but i knew that this wanst the case behind the doors at home where she had major self doubts that were clearly visable to me.

I know hypnosis can have a big impact on things like this with the subconscious mind. Ive seen it myself so i think the only thing i really want to do for her would be get into a place where we could have a reasonable chat, and discuss what she does and what may be good for her. reading on here though i cant imagine that will work though, or that she'd accept any advice! Wonder if anyone else has seen good results from hypnosis?

NC seems worth it, as you say, plus i dont really have a choice i dont think. ill hopefully be able to do it and see where i get to in a few months when contact has to be made to sort things. thanks for the support!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Careca9,



I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. It really hurts so much to have a partner leave so abruptly. I know the feeling well, unfortunately. I had a relationship with a "quieter" pwBPD. At least he was that way with me. But we didn't live together or spend a lot of physical time together (long distance), so it's hard to say.

I'm glad you reached out, because this site has tons of resources to help, and members who really understand what you are going through. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things can get better for you.

Since your girlfriend is NC at the moment, I recommend using this time to take very good care of yourself. These kinds of breakups have a big impact and can be difficult to recover from. I also recommend learning more about BPD, so that you will have more tools to handle communication when that happens in the spring.

Here is an article that really helped me when I first got to the site, tired and confused and hurt:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

Does any of it resonate with you?

Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on right now? How are you coping with this separation?

Keep posting, it really helps to share your story. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Keef]

thanks for the reply keef! nice to know there are people out there in similar situations and it was great to hear your views.

Glad to be of help. Keep reading here on the detaching board - it can be very enlightening. You will find you can relate to other posts, and/or that others will relate to what you have been through, just as I am doing right now.

i imagine the vacation had a major impact

It is likely. It didn't happen in that way for me, but then again pwBPD/pwBPD character traits are all individuals... when I was away on holiday with my ex she would often act in destructive ways when I least expected her to. Going on a holiday with her wasn't exactly relaxing if you get my point.

i dont blame myself i couldn't have done anything else its just such a shame and with it coming at that time and literally out of nowhere it hurts a lot.

I understand it hurts. And you're doing the accurate thing not to put blame on yourself. Were you subject to a lot of blaming in her post b/u messages?

She did tell me she had done this twice before in her earlier years 16-20 (now 31) and never recontacted so i wonder if that trend will continue or not.

Ah. That would have been a red flag I think. My ex hinted things like this early on in the r/s (we were a couple for more than a year). Often she'd blame her ex bfs at the same time.
Would you want her to recontact? What would you like to say to her if she did? My ex was catastrophic at staying with her feelings and decisions (not that I was much more consistent as the r/s slowly crashed and burned... ). After the first bump in the road she would cut off all contact after demanding a three month pause - but called me again only after approx one week of silent treatment, being upset with me and asking why I hadn't been in touch   . I don't want to hi-jack your thread here, I'm just giving you examples of the kind of roller-coaster ride a r/s-recycle often turns into. Would I go back if she returned? No, even though I miss her madly at times.

I know hypnosis can have a big impact on things like this with the subconscious mind. Ive seen it myself so i think the only thing i really want to do for her would be get into a place where we could have a reasonable chat, and discuss what she does and what may be good for her.

I don't have any experience with hypnosis, so I wouldn't be able to tell you how do proceed with that. But depending on the frailty of your ex's psyche, I wouldn't think it a particularly good idea. I think it would be best if you focused on being kind to yourself right now and getting support from us here on the board

[Keef]

Yes - when you feel ready, take some time and read the article that heartandwhole posted here
It helped me too.

/Keef

[troisette]

Hello Careca9

My exBPD was quiet and I found some descriptions of classic, outward manifesting BPD a bit confusing when I first joined the boards.

"my ex was also quiet, has few friends and preferred a lot of ' me time' which i also think now is because she cant handle the company of others too much. she was good though at projecting a really happy fun image when out with friends but i knew that this wanst the case behind the doors at home where she had major self doubts that were clearly visable to me."

Your description tallies with my experience of my ex. I was perplexed because lots of people with experience of classic BPD said their partners couldn't cope with being alone and had extreme behavioural patterns.

I posted here, wanting more information about quiet BPD, and researched articles. It seems that the emotions of quiet BPDs are much the same as in the classic form, but generally not expressed externally instead retained inside their heads. Imagine what hell that must be.  He too needed time alone, also taking long solitary road trips.

He was very sociable in short bursts with a tight group of friends/acquaintances who gave him a safe network. He was uncomfortable around other groups. He appeared confident when out but his self dislike was evident in private. He is personable and appealing in a waif like way, highly manipulative.

I won't go into minutiae - my previous posts are on these boards if you want to have a look at my experiences in more detail. You might find some of them helpful if you are as confused about quiet BPD as I was.

With reference to your questions about recycling, I'll tell you my experiences but, like others, emphasise that  individual  experiences differ. I went NC over a year ago after several months of push/pull. This was exacerbated by our close proximity - we live six streets away from each other and socialise in overlapping circles, however I managed to avoid him.

Three months into NC there may have been an attempt at a rehook by returning a pendant left at his house. I did not respond. Six months later he called after me in the street and was overly friendly, touchy feely, but with no mention of our relationship. Last October I saw him on the street and he mentioned a photo book he'd had made of a holiday we took before we broke up, that he'd had a copy made for me. I don't know why he delayed so long but my guess is that it gave him an excuse to contact me without losing face.

Shortly afterwards I saw him at a drinks party. He was very touchy feely, stroking my face, arm etc - I stayed boundaried. I didn't want the book but decided to accept it as I didn't want to give reason to be painted black. I finally collected it from his house just before Christmas, I did not want him in my house. I felt the familiar easiness of being with him, but was wary. He suggested meeting after Christmas - a pull. I was non committal. He sent a rather spiteful email on Boxing Day - a push. I sent a two line, guarded response. Last week a friend told me that he's just left for a four month road trip.

I don't know whether he was testing the ground for a recycle but his behaviour was unsettling as, despite many months no contact, I knew I was not fully detached. My experiences are what they are and individual to me but when I went no contact, blocking him on FB, I did not expect that level of touchy feely friendliness when we met.

With regard to hypnosis - I realised that childhood events had made me vulnerable to my relationship with a BPD. A friend recommended a highly experienced hypnotherapist who specialises in regressive hypnosis. I found it very helpful for me. However, I believe hypnosis is not generally recommended for those with BPD.

I hope you find these boards helpful and are able to discover more info about quiet BPD, the polarities and confusing paradoxes. I hope that my experiences help answer some of your questions. Good luck!

[Careca9]

thanks heartandwhole the article was good to read, certainly resonate with points 4,5,8 and 9. can see from reading experiences on here that its pretty much guaranteed that even though we had a great connection that for her this wont make any difference. I believe also now that time apart will probably make the heart go colder, which will sooth the ex so prob why she wants that. support wise im ok, just prob the worst break up ive had and now i gather more info on why or what could have happened its getting easier so thanks for the post and advice


to reply to keef's reply ive not had any blame attached that i have seen. thats why i was looking for info on quiet borderlines really. the change was in how angry she was in making it clear she would not speak, or being angry in explaining trivial things. ive had no blame or aggression at me for any of my actions. the confusion before finding out about BPD was someone had gone from loving and always pleasant to anger and total shut off with literally no warning and no arguments. And to do that and cancel plans in the future to be on her own for xmas when i know she was desperate to have a xmas with someone and not be on her own. it just felt so odd to be on the end of this when i wasnt giving any anger or reason to be angry back. emotions switched from caring about everything to nothing in a day. i was lost but thinking this could be the answer especially knowing her behaviours and testing relationship with her mother. I hope she does reconnect in the future anyway

finally troisette thanks again for posting, yeah it does seem like we may have had some similar experiences, so sorry to hear you have gone through something similar seeing as i now know how bad it is. ive read through some of your other posts and got a few answers on thing sso thanks for advising

[eprogeny]

Hello! Welcome to the family

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's got to be one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with, so I'm glad you found us - this site can help a lot.

I too had a quiet one. My BPDexgf absolutely painted me black, smeared me to others and did go to silent treatment in the days following my own decisions to try to end things amicably.  She didn't stay silent for long - at first she would reach out almost as if playing "Marco Polo", and then she started trying to intentional hurt me emotionally. Whenever she did so I would force myself into zero reaction of any kind whatsoever.  She's since tried to recycle with me but I deftly sidestep those attempts by casually changing the topic.

The thing is, at any point she could go silent treatment forever.  It isn't something that is predictable for everyone.  She's mentally ill so it won't ever make much sense - but on the whole I think the only way she would do that would be if she truly believed I was going to "abandon" her emotionally.  They do seem to have a keen sense of perception when it comes to how "on the hook" we are. 

The important thing is to welcome any break from her - to see those breaks as a respite or a time to re-center yourself. Maybe you will get back in contact, and maybe you won't, but those times where you're left wondering which it will be can be massively enlightening for you. 

[Careca9]

so, just wanted to write a bit of an update on the situation as i found reading others stories as they progressed very therapeutic. They also gave me loads of insight of what might happen which ive been really glad i could see. Its also hard to find much info on quiet borderline breakups as most follow normal outward playing up patterns. I hope that if others in a similar situation find this site then what i experienced may help if they read how it unfolded. Its probably not often quiet borderlines are identified, mainly as the behaviors can be so well hidden and its likely they will use silent treatment that not everyone will click or look for this sort of traits being linked to a disorder.

For me the ex has all the traits but had no outward aggression. To her small close friends and family she seems normal just shy in some social situations and then the life of the party in others (i read this is a common trait of waifs btw). however as i got closer i could see the deep self worth issues, the strained relationship with the mother and heard about the childhood problems. and I was also told of the huge depressive mood swings that come on now and again and control her life. At that point not knowing anything about borderline behavior i never clicked as with me not living with her id not really seen anything, she'd just have quiet days away from me.

anyway, the relationship as i mentioned got serious quickly, she was a pleaser so did everything you would want to be a great g/f. Up until the split she was the most affectionate and loving person i had been with. Like i said the split came literally out of the blue, one day so in love and happy the next she was unemotional and seemed angry but never shouted, literally said thats it but didnt direct any aggression at me. what followed was the silent treatment mixed with the odd angry text. I had been blocked on social media/whatsapp since the break. its been the toughest 10 weeks of my life and horrible to be on the end of the passive aggressive behaviour. i did find reading about BPD and stories some sort of help as it literally switched a light on to what had seemed the most odd situation ever. i have been finished numerous times but never out of the blue with someone who for a long period had seemed so happy and in love.

i had to collect money owed so had dropped a couple of texts in mid jan to find out and had one angry response and then silence again. like most people in this situation for the first time i would have said there is no chance of her ever changing her attitude to me. however yesterday i dropped another text chasing monies and surprise was met with a warm positive message for the first time in 10 weeks. again oddly out of character following what has occurred in the last 10 weeks and with no real explanation although something has obviously changed or her mood has finally calmed down as ive been well out of the picture for a long period now.

as we have text she seems to have a little but not much remorse and seems to have no real recollection of what she was like. has anyone else seen this behavior where there is what seems a total denial of what happened prior to the trigger?

anyway it looks as though for her it feels as though this is another r/s that just hasn't worked for her, although she cant pinpoint anything. she just advised something clicked out of the blue and it didnt feel right and she had to shut down and end it. it looks as though i wont  be recycled though as her previous relationships lasted a lot longer even though she was abused and not happy in most of them. her early years she did this but im not sure she has triggered that the 3 people who were nice to her she has run from and the 2 abusive people she stayed with.

if the situation changes and she does look to recycle i'll update so people can read to find answers to their own situations.

[heartandwhole]

Thanks for the update, Careca9 !

How are you feeling about this?

heartandwhole

[Careca9]

err not too great to be honest... .the whole period has been heartbreaking and to think that the last year has been almost forgotten is hard to take seeing as we were both the happiest people had seen us. Plus previously she went back and back to someone who cheated and abused her (and probably didnt trigger her) yet i get close and get the silent treatment and have no option to really reconnect.  i think like most people after the first split there's always a little bit of them that thinks if the r/s starts up again you'd be able to change them or get back to something close as it was first time around although thats probably a pipe dream.

still i'm hoping she doesnt end up chasing people who treat her poorly as that is what she can relate to. I'd hate to see her unhappy but reading a lot of people's stories it seems these people just cant have fulfilling long standing relationships. I also hope she doesnt do this to the next guy that treats her well, but i fear that will be the case.

anyway time will tell, if she does make it easier to start something up i just hope ive moved on enough not to be dragged back into something that has a poor chance of working. but thats easier said than done when feeling shave been so strong. Thanks for the message anyway

[troisette]

Hi Careca and thanks for your updates.

I agree, a relationship with a quiet BPD seems to be more confusing that with an outward acting BPD. The paradoxical behaviour threw my mind in a loop: others accepted him as the charming, confident yet waiflike and appealing person they saw; I was the only one who saw his self-hate, lack of confidence, dissociation and all the other strange behaviours. Like being with two different people. It was "the most odd situation ever" for me too.

After reading so much, I now realise how difficult it must be for a quiet BPD to hold within their head, the uncontrolled thoughts that are manifested outwardly in classic BPD.

I can only speak from my experience, we are all different. I live close to my ex and went nc after months of pain of push/pull. It was breaking my heart. He is a stubborn and proud man and would not dream of contacting me with no reason. I knew this and also knew that he would get the admiration and attention he also craves from his group of friends. So I thought I might see him, be polite when necessary, but no close contact and I would be safe to recover.

Three months after nc he gave reason for me to contact him via return of something of mine through my letterbox. I did not respond. Four months later he called after me in the street, overly friendly and touchy feely. Luckily I was going on holiday the following day. Six months later he saw me on the street and wanted to give me something he's been holding on to for eighteen months. The rest of the story is on this thread.

So you see the pattern. I think he's had a couple of brief relationships since we split and he's now away on a long trip. These contacts from him do cause a bit of an emotional recycle for me - because it's so low key, nothing to be angry about, just charm and reasonableness - and although I'm always wary, it does trigger lovely memories.

My quietBPD relationship was a real learning curve for me. I had no idea what I was dealing with, or what I would have to deal with. I may now have to incorporate his behaviour into my ongoing life. Unless he becomes heavily involved with someone else he may continue to make tentative attempts to hook me in again on his terms and I must deal with that.

You can't foretell what will happen when you split with a BPD, and the behaviour of a quietBPD can be even more difficult as they appear so rational and calm on the surface. It can cause you to question yourself. They are erratic and I learned not to try to second guess what would happen. Just to let it roll, continue to work on myself because we can only control our responses. Never their's. Good luck.

[Careca9]

You can't foretell what will happen when you split with a BPD, and the behaviour of a quietBPD can be even more difficult as they appear so rational and calm on the surface. It can cause you to question yourself. They are erratic and I learned not to try to second guess what would happen. Just to let it roll, continue to work on myself because we can only control our responses. Never their's. Good luck.


[/quote]

ha spot on here... .the nice text/behaviour lasted only for the one conversation. although surprisingly she has paid half of the money she owes me it came on the back of a barrage of anger as i started a text off with 'wow' which triggered her. its such weird behaviour to be on the end of as we all know, so so so angry at any sort of conversation with me apart from the business discussion on money. its as it she is talking to two people in the same text. one to me so angry then normal when discussing the money. such a weird condition. anyway like you said i shouldnt have expected things to stay as they were. she paid, sent an angry message then blocked me again on social media. looks like ill have to play this all out at the end of the next month when she's paid again by work until she pays the debt.

If i was so angry with someone i wanted to block them id be telling them at the same point to kiss goodbye to monies owed. at no point has this come, always angry but always said she'd pay. i guess this is the normal person in her telling her to be civil yet the BPD side raises its head and causes the anger. its def going to be an ongoing saga, as i read more on here you just dont know what will happen do you from day to day do you. perhaps the craziest thing is that i still miss her, prob going to need full closure of actual no contact before that goes


 

[troisette]

No, you don't ever know Careca. I guess it's easier if they live miles away.

He instigated contact a few months ago for a seemingly reasonable motive, which I felt it was best to comply with as we live in a small and gossipy town where his mask is not questioned.

He's now away on a road trip, was supposed to be three months but he's returning next week after six weeks. An email received with some photos of the places he's visited. Charming but not saccharine. Suggesting an evening catch up together when he gets back.

I've been told he's travelling with another woman from our small town. I cannot second guess what's happened but quiet BPDs find it difficult to be with people all the time, it gives them no respite from the inner pain. Because unlike outward acting BPDs, they need time alone to quiet their hectic brain.

I kept strict NC for 15 months and now it may be that he's setting me up for a recycle when he gets back. It's tiring to have to be vigilant with someone in close proximity, especially when you move in overlapping social circles and they are so charming and you have a rep to protect. I've found it to be a major difficulty with quietBPD and write this as an example of what you might expect.

Board members: can we please have more mention, perhaps an article on quiet BPD. I think it might be a useful addition to the site.

Thanks. And good luck Careca.

[qawifem]

Hello, Careca! I completely understand the quiet thing.

My exBF was most definitely a quiet borderline. Nothing but passive aggression, silent treatments, and stalking my online profiles in secret so he could either stew by himself or complain about me to his only other best friend that's way too good for him. He internalized everything and hardly ever let me into his personal struggles properly and was unwilling to seek help.

He would rarely if ever cut people off bluntly. If he suddenly didn't like someone, he would just ignore them or hope they wouldn't talk to him. Sometimes even block them with no warning because he was "trying to keep himself safe". He always had a justification or reason or excuse for avoiding any kind of conflict. Good luck trying to figure out why he might be giving you the cold shoulder. The only way I figured out if he was upset with me sometimes was if he "vagueblogged" about me on his social media. Hell, he even broke up with me over text message, not in person or over the phone.

He's not the kind to reach out very easily, so when I decided to go NC it was as if he has fallen off the face of the earth. (He was still bordering on stalking my blogs of course, but I installed an IP tracker to change my url and ensure he couldn't find me at all for the sake of my OWN emotional safety). He hinted that he could find some way to pay me back for money I gave him to help buy a car, and he mentioned how we could still support each other but from a distance. I decided I didn't want any of it and I didn't care anymore. He's terrified of confrontation because he can't take what he dishes out, so he retreats inside himself.

Here's hoping all of us can learn to cope and heal, and find more people that are willing to be just as communicative as we are. 

[Careca9]

soo, wondering if anyone has been in a position where they have had to initiate contact with their exBPD after they have painted them black, basically disappeared?

my latest update is that a month ago she had calmed down and sent me a couple of normal, nice messages trying to apologize and explain why she ended everything suddenly and then became so angry towards me. she had unblocked me on social media and whatsapp as well. she said she would be paying some of the money she owes. a week later she text to say she is transferring some across that afternoon and i trigger her by starting my response with 'wow'. she becomes angry again, rants but pays some of the money.

forward on a month later, not had any contact and ive not contacted her but she is at the point where she said she would pay the remaining amounts. i check my phone and social media and im blocked again so have no way to contact. we are talking about hundreds here so not an amount i can just write off. i find myself now in a position where ill have to initiate some sort of contact but reading some of the crazy stories from certain people i realize i could be treading on dangerous ground trying to contact someone who def doesnt want to be contacted. has anyone had to contact an ex after being painted black and have any useful advise?