I don't think I'm ever going to get over this

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

6+ months now since this happened to me. When she first left I was destroyed. I lost a job because of this woman. I was so distraught that I couldn't focus on anything but her and my numbers slipped at work and I got fired. I've since found another job, so I'm fine but that's not the point.

I reached out to her after I got fired and was told "Leave me alone". How could someone who thought the world of me before treat me that way? How do these people live with themselves? We broke up twice in the year and half we were together. The first time was because she claimed I didn't treat her like she was my girlfriend. She was upset that we were like f*ckbuddies and not in a real relationship. So I had to beg her for another chance. She very arrogantly rejected me a bunch of times before saying yes. Then once I start treating her better and giving her more of my time and attention she just seemed annoyed at all of this. Finally I caught her texting some other guy and we had a huge fight. She broke up with me and told me I was too needy and *poof* haven't seen her since.

I tried reaching out a bunch of times afterwards trying to get her to change her mind. Nothing. Got threatened by her that she was going to call the cops on me. That was AFTER I lost my job. How could someone who used to be so kind, caring loving and supportive now act this way? Her last words? "You need to speak with someone about how obsessed you are with me". Just a cold gut punch. Vicious. I hate the b*tch.

I am lost some days. There are days STILL where I get so depressed and down I feel like I'm losing my mind. I cannot believe this woman did this to me. I never would thought she was capable of this.

[jinglebells1989]

6+ months now since this happened to me. When she first left I was destroyed. I lost a job because of this woman. I was so distraught that I couldn't focus on anything but her and my numbers slipped at work and I got fired. I've since found another job, so I'm fine but that's not the point.

I reached out to her after I got fired and was told "Leave me alone". How could someone who thought the world of me before treat me that way? How do these people live with themselves? We broke up twice in the year and half we were together. The first time was because she claimed I didn't treat her like she was my girlfriend. She was upset that we were like f*ckbuddies and not in a real relationship. So I had to beg her for another chance. She very arrogantly rejected me a bunch of times before saying yes. Then once I start treating her better and giving her more of my time and attention she just seemed annoyed at all of this. Finally I caught her texting some other guy and we had a huge fight. She broke up with me and told me I was too needy and *poof* haven't seen her since.

I tried reaching out a bunch of times afterwards trying to get her to change her mind. Nothing. Got threatened by her that she was going to call the cops on me. That was AFTER I lost my job. How could someone who used to be so kind, caring loving and supportive now act this way? Her last words? "You need to speak with someone about how obsessed you are with me". Just a cold gut punch. Vicious. I hate the b*tch.

I am lost some days. There are days STILL where I get so depressed and down I feel like I'm losing my mind. I cannot believe this woman did this to me. I never would thought she was capable of this.

[Mutt]

Hi jinglebells1989,

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your because of a break-up, that's. Have you talked to an MD about depression?

[FallenOne]

The obsessive thoughts were a problem for me at first too... Still are sometimes. I'm mostly obsessing over the restraining order she has against me, for false allegations, and getting my dignity back, not so much "her" anymore. The difference for me now, is that I know I don't want to be with her... It sounds like you still want to be with her. You say you "hate the b*tch" but you still obsessively think about her, focus on her and what she does, and try to contact her.

You will not get any sympathy from this woman... She will only adore you, or hate your guts. There is no in-between. She is only looking at what she can acquire from people. She was only "kind, caring, loving and supportive" because she was getting her supply from you. She will only "love" you (I use that term loosely) when she "needs" something from you. Love to them is just a "thing" that they need... It's not a deep rooted feeling that grows with time and affection.

I recommend something to cease the obsessive thinking, then you will find it easier to move on... You may need an anti-anxiety medication (xanax?) to help with that for a while... You need to "stop caring" about her and whatever she did.

You may have a hint of depression as well, but it sounds like your obsessive pondering of your ex is your real issue.

You are not in love... She is an addiction. You need to treat her like you would any other addiction.

[jinglebells1989]

The obsessive thoughts were a problem for me at first too... Still are sometimes. I'm mostly obsessing over the restraining order she has against me, for false allegations, and getting my dignity back, not so much "her" anymore. The difference for me now, is that I know I don't want to be with her... It sounds like you still want to be with her. You say you "hate the b*tch" but you still obsessively think about her, focus on her and what she does, and try to contact her.

You will not get any sympathy from this woman... She will only adore you, or hate your guts. There is no in-between. She is only looking at what she can acquire from people. She was only "kind, caring, loving and supportive" because she was getting her supply from you. She will only "love" you (I use that term loosely) when she "needs" something from you. Love to them is just a "thing" that they need... It's not a deep rooted feeling that grows with time and affection.

I recommend something to cease the obsessive thinking, then you will find it easier to move on... You may need an anti-anxiety medication (xanax?) to help with that for a while... You need to "stop caring" about her and whatever she did.

You may have a hint of depression as well, but it sounds like your obsessive pondering of your ex is your real issue.

You are not in love... She is an addiction. You need to treat her like you would any other addiction.

Yeah I got hit with a restraining order too. It came after I lost my job. After the breakup I tried for a few weeks to get her back with her finally threatening to call the police. I stopped at that point because I was so angry and disgusted with her even bringing up the police and I decided I had had enough. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I lost my job that I was desperate to talk to her immediately afterwards because she was the person I had known the longest since moving to New York City. I had been here for 2 years when I lost my job and had dated her for a year and a half at that point. I had moved to NYC for the job I had just lost. She was the person I was closest to out here.

I couldn't believe how at my lowest moment when I had lost my job, when I was begging to just talk to her as I just needed someone to talk to; this wasn't even about getting back together, I just needed someone to talk to. What does she do? She tells me to leave her alone and then goes to the police. So I lost her, my job and now I get thrown in jail with a restraining order placed on me. Again, this was a girl who made me feel like I was the best thing that had ever happened to her at one point and now this? It's just horrifically painful. It has really screwed me up emotionally. I really don't know how she lives with herself.

A month after I had got arrested, and had since stopped trying to contact her, she had an option to either sign a statement saying she wanted to press charges or just drop the whole thing. Keep in mind it had been a month since I got arrested and I hadn't reached out to her anymore and certainly didn't plan on doing so anymore. She STILL signed the statement a month later saying she wanted to press charges. I had to do community service and pay a fine. I couldn't believe and still can't believe she did this to me. I really need to see a therapist or something.

[roberto516]

jinglebells I'm sorry. i too struggle with wrapping my head around the callous indifference. I too struggled to see how after a near break up I began to change minor behaviors about myself because I heard what she needed from me. Only to see her do the exact same thing and then, as you said, *poof*. Stay strong. Are you seeing a therapist by any chance? And you can reach out whenever you need to talk.

[Justnotgood]

Sorry to hear your frustrations jingle bells. This sounds all too familiar.
I have been with my BPD Gf for 8 years, at the moment I am the devil to her and the source of all evil. Last Friday she went out with friends and refused to tell me when she was home safe like she usually would because we had some silly argument before she went out. She knows I worry and cant really sleep until I know she home, so at 2am and still no response I went to her house and rang her doorbell a few (like 20 times)... .no response. I left and eventually got to sleep only to be woken by 2 cops on my doorstep at 3am warning me about ringing her door bell at 2am!
I couldn't believe it! Rather that respond to my messages or phone calls and just let me know she was home, she preferred to call the police saying that I was harassing her. It was her way to control me because she was angry about our argument and felt out of control.
I need to get out desperately.
The amount of blame and resentment she has towards me is scary and she actually believes everything is my fault, there is no modicum of understanding or self examination.
#ineedtobreakawayfromthiscrazinessoritsgoingtokillme

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jingle bells, Yes, you are going to get over this.  One day, I predict, you will be grateful to have parted ways with your pwBPD.  The first step, I suggest, is to turn the focus back on yourself.  Take care of you and your needs.  You're doing this already by finding a new job.  Get back to your core values.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Be who you are deep down again.  You get the idea.  It's a painful process, but it gets better and leads to new growth.

LuckyJim

[lovenature]

With enough education and time you will get over this. I thought the same as you once, and I kept reading about this awful disorder in others posts and books. I posted questions and received help from others, and once I was ready I shifted the focus to me and learned why I accepted what I did and stayed so long trying to make it work.

She did what she did because you got too close and triggered her fear of engulfment, so she used psychological defences such as projection to avoid emotions that are too painful for her to process and push you away, she did this to avoid her worst fear of abandonment. Because you tried harder and didn't go away, she left you to avoid you abandoning her, most likely to a replacement she already had lined up.

BPD is a very serious mental illness, always remember that is what you were dealing with.