How do I get through this?

[LifeInShadow]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here so I'm not sure how this works. My older sister was diagnosed with BPD while I was in high school, and I have spent years trying to process and heal from the wounds of growing up with her. It has been difficult to forgive her, although I know to say that she is disabled and deserves my sympathy.
Recently, she has decided to get pregnant through treatments, although she still lives with our parents and has never been independent or in a serious relationship. When I discovered that she was pregnant with triplets I decided to try and be supportive and forgiving and our relationship improved.
Unfortunately she recently had a miscarriage and I came home to help out. Her situation is terrible - she cries non stop, says she wants to die and is doing her best to make everyone miserable. Of course, her pain really is immense and I can't even begin to understand what she's going through. Unfortunately, it is bringing out all her usual pathologies - the manipulative behavior, the childish simplicity, her feelings of abandonment that lead to do anything to feel attention and love.
My parents are wonderful with her and are doing their best, but I can see how much she drains from them and it is difficult for me to forgive her for all the pain and exhaustion.
These thoughts make me feel judgmental and unkind. I wish I could be more forgiving.
How can I improve my thoughts so that they're not so mean towards her? How I can bring myself to love her?
Thanks for reading.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome LifeInShadow:  

I'm sorry about what's going on with you sister.  Did your parents know your sister was trying to get pregnant? Having babies can't fix her, it only causes more problems.  Has your sister been getting treatment for her BPD? 

it is difficult for me to forgive her for all the pain and exhaustion.
These thoughts make me feel judgmental and unkind. I wish I could be more forgiving.
How can I improve my thoughts so that they're not so mean towards her? How can I bring myself to love her?

It has to be tough for you.  I know I'd have a hard time dealing with a sister who went through extraordinary measures to get pregnant, when she can't take care of herself financially or otherwise. Are your parents helping her deal with her BPD responsible or do you think they are enabling her?

VALIDATION is one skill you can try with her.  Validation isn't about agreeing with someone's opinion or position on something.  It is about acknowledging their feelings.  What can be more important than Validating is to NOT invalidate.

SET (Support, Empathy and Truth) is a communication skill you might want to try.  You let her know that you want to support her in some way that you feel comfortable with. Empathy is basically the same as Validation and Truth is just what it says. 

i.e. I'm here to help you get through this, with a listening ear.  You must feel a great deal of loss.  Your health and well being is the most important thing to focus on right now.