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Author Topic: I fear she will be back  (Read 505 times)
roberto516
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« on: March 13, 2017, 08:39:47 AM »

So last monday, if you are aware, she did her best to reach out after 5 days of NC on my part. Showed up at my house, etc. Thursday I finally caved and went to see her to offer "emotional support". During the time, she was hugging me and laying on me, etc. And she told me she got into more credit card debt because she thought her income tax return was going to be a lot larger. And her father got laid off which is usually the person to bail her out, but he said he can't help her financially now.

But the whole week was this assumption she had about me dating someone else, and going on dates during our breakup. I don't even know why i responded to the accusations. It was non stop. It was a nice conversation and then "Who is she?" "I don't believe you." "I can't trust you." So yesterday she gave me some great insight and said "I feel like I"m doing a borderline push/pull with you." I agreed and told her that to avoid being in a situation where I have to resist the pulling I would be going no contact again.

We have a dog situation, and I told her I was filling out the paperwork to have the dog's chip location changed to my name. She said she would take care of it. But I don't trust her so I filled it out anyway. She does have the option to oppose the information change. And that's how I left it. I blocked her number again and her facebook. She said that I am "perfect" and she would only want to be with me, but that she needs to work on herself. And before I blocked her I asked if she needed to say anything else. She said "I will always love you and I'm sorry."

My fear, naturally, is that she will be back. Anytime she feels lonely she reaches out and does this. It appears she has the insight but she knows there's a good chance I'll come if she pulls me. The only way she can get in touch is through work email now, and I fear I will have to let her know that HR is going to be involved if she tries to reach out.

I still feel alright, but I allowed some of the wounds that were healing to be opened just a little. I'm glad I didn't fall for it again. And I'm glad she was honest that she didnt' want to hurt me again if she couldn't be 100% committed to trying again.

A part of me hopes she just finds someone else already so I can stop being the go to person. And I find it so funny that I knew I was heading to a relapse which is why I stayed away from the forums. Because I knew what was coming. It's weird and fascinating at the same time. Thanks for listening!
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2017, 11:45:45 AM »

Hey roberto, You're right: it's likely she will be back.  It's also likely that she will attempt to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  Don't fall for it (you have resisted pretty well so far).  Her accusations about your dating life are a red flag, in my view.   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Forewarned is forearmed, so stay strong and think about how to prepare for the next time.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
roberto516
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« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2017, 11:55:43 AM »

Thanks LJ,

The whole week was this push/pull thing with her. I would tell her everytime after she accused me of having a girlfriend something like "Now we are done and I don't want to talk to you anymore." and she would reply with "I thought you said you wanted to try again?" or "I thought we could go to the movies later this week?" It was just nonstop. And I  know I opened the wounds. Because now I am wondering if she will make any attempt to reach out to me after I told her this morning I am going NC because I can't trust myself to resist any pulling, and I need to heal.

And she did approve the dog information transfer. Which can make it easier for me if she tries to reach out with the excuse of the dog. I don't know. It's all so very confusing. Now I have to detox again basically. But I'll do it. There's only acceptance left that this will never work. And from now on any attempt by her has to be met with silence. At least I can give myself some credit for, even after she treated me pretty badly, that I did give her support last week because she was someone I love who needed the help. But from now on that help can come from elsewhere for her. So at least I didn't turn into someone cold, calloused, and indifferent like she was to me when she left me.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Rayban
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« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2017, 11:58:39 AM »

Hey  Roberto,

Based on what I've read and my personal experience with recycling with a BPDex, she will try again. The door in her mind, is open. She could use your dog to get to you, or use the knowledge of push pull to get back in. As she been diagnosed?  

In the mean time stay grounded. You are taking all the necessary steps. Maybe write down or create a plan if she does try again.
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roberto516
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« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2017, 12:03:50 PM »

Hey  Roberto,

Based on what I've read and my personal experience with recycling with a BPDex, she will try again. The door in her mind, is open. She could use your dog to get to you, or use the knowledge of push pull to get back in. As she been diagnosed?  



Not formally. She's been diagnosed with depression. Maybe 3 weeks ago in an angry rage I gave her my thoughts on our relationship, and what I thought she presented with trait wise. So maybe she is actually doing some research of her own, and seeing that she has these traits if not a full dx. Based on DSM. She would present with it.

And I do fear the door is open. Especially because last night she said "I feel like we are breaking up all over again." What happened the first time was I stayed strong and firm like I am now. But then I caved and started begging for her back. A part of me thinks she will expect that from me again. But now I have an amazing forum, knowledge, and hobbies back in my life so I won't/don't want to reach out and beg for her.

So I am fearful to see what will happen when she sees that I am actually not reaching out to her anymore as I said I would. I think a plan is a great idea. Something concrete. Tonight when I journal I will write out each scenario. If she does this I will do that. If she tries to do this I will do that. If i get an unexpected email I will do this to cope. etc, etc. Thanks for the idea!
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2017, 03:35:17 PM »

Excerpt
Now I have to detox again basically. But I'll do it. There's only acceptance left that this will never work.

Hey Roberto, Right, you have to detox again.  Agree w/Rayban that she probably considers the door open, so you are wise to expect her to reach out again to you.  Just the way it is for a pwBPD when the fear of abandonment kicks in.  Highly likely that she will use some form of F-O-G to get her way.  Don't be surprised if she has some emergency or other urgent matter that supposedly requires your attention.  Forewarned is forearmed.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
roberto516
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« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2017, 03:50:15 PM »

That's the fear LJ. As I said, she is probably going to use the silence as a way to see if I will reach out and try to talk to her. When she sees that isn't gonna work, and she wants to "try again" I can expect a reach out. Especially because she isn't trying to replace me with someone else... .yet. So that leaves just me as the one who can be recycled. And she knows I'll respond to an emergency. Hopefully it doesn't happen. But if I go about life with blinders on and it happens I will be caught off guard like last time. Now I need to prepare for the possibility and plan accordingly.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Rayban
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« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2017, 04:31:04 PM »

Don't rule out her stalking you. She could show up unexpectedly  at your work, home, or any other place for that matter. 
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2017, 03:04:39 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Rayban:  Agree, stalking is a distinct possibility.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) roberto516: Right, she knows you'll respond to an emergency.  Just be aware that those w/BPD are known for crying wolf.  My BPDxW cried wolf so many times that, like the story goes, I learned to ignore these so-called emergencies, which were not really urgent.  After a while, I caught on that it was just for attention.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
kentavr3
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« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2017, 03:04:02 PM »

She returns back if you want it. Looks like you want her be back and continue drama. She feels it. Once you detach from her, she'll feel and you don't need to worry. First of decide among yourself.
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