Selfishness in the BPD-is it time for an ultimatum?

[slsfaith3]

As a new member of the BPD Family, I am researching and educating myself everyday on this illness.  One day I want to stay in the relationship and help my husband, the next he either blows up or is nasty and incredibly selfish.  This lack of empathy and selfishness may be the dealbreaker for me as this is not who I am or how I was raised.  I'm not sure how you go about getting someone to "actually care" about someone other than themselves.  My new husband has been laid off since December, he has cooked dinner several times and done a couple of small projects around the house.  Other than that he has basically sat and stared at his computer 24 hours a day or watched TV.  My 3 teenagers and I all work (I am full time) as well as I handle all bills, chores, appointments to be made etc.  I asked him to do a load of laundry while I was at a full day of work meetings the other day(since we met 4 years ago he has done maybe 3 loads and no dishes or cleaning whatsoever).  He finally did one load and left it sitting in the dryer for three days, and when I went down to get it,  I found it was only his clothes he didn't bother to take any of mine out of the hamper or anyone elses.  He just found out he is not going back to his current job as they have hired other people for the project he was on... .this was over a week ago and he has called maybe two people to ask about openings.  My big concern is that he carries mine and our children's health benefits, and they may soon be running out.  He has other places he can go (he is in the union and can approach other employers/unions) but he has done nothing and says he won't take anything with less pay.  Today I asked if we could sit down and come up with a plan because I was nervous.  He said, "no, I don't know how to communicate, remember... .its not my thing,"  I then said well I need to know about benefits because I am going to have to pick them up at my work, and he said "well you go ahead and call the union and ask them then."  I said that was his responsibility and he replied,  "no I am covered by the VA benefits too, so its your problem"  even though his son won't be covered too.  No regard for anyone but himself.  I then said, "Really?  If your not going to at least try to be a husband and a father, then why are you here, and I told him I was at my breaking point.  He said, "yeah, well you have been there before!"  and then laughed at me, he thinks I am a joke... .Honestly, that felt like a kick in the stomach after what we had all done to try and help support him, and I have about had it.  We have counseling next week, and I am considering having our counselors tell him I am near the end and cannot handle much more.  He does all of the exercises and acts like he cares when we are in the counseling sessions and then comes home and does nothing or makes a joke out of it when I ask him to talk or he blows up to shut me up.  I really need some advice.  What are thoughts, ideas on giving the BPD an ultimatum or a timeframe to start actually caring and using the tools? I know he is depressed, but he is on antidepressants already and has the energy to go to the gym everyday and workout for an hour and a half to take care of himself.   I am hopeless, exhausted and heartbroken.  Thanks for listening... .would welcome any advice or suggestions. 

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[livednlearned]

Hi slsfaith3,

Welcome and hello  

Working full-time while raising 3 teenagers is already a lot of responsibility to shoulder, I can see why you feel exhausted. Congratulations that they are all working!

Your husband says you have been at your breaking point before and nothing happened, so he isn't worried what your exhaustion and hopelessness means for him, it seems.

In BPD relationships, actions tend to matter more than words. That means we have to set boundaries that we have control over, and being consistent and assertive when we follow through. Easier said than done!

Often, when our behavior changes, people around us adjust.

Is your H diagnosed BPD?

[slsfaith3]

Thank you for your kind advice.  His counselor has indicated that he sees all of the characteristics and feels he is BPD.  He suggested I start reading "Walking on Eggshells"  but really hasn't done anything to educate my husband on it.  I am not sure if you would consider this a formal diagnosis or not.  After researching, I see the basically all of the characteristics in him.  We have been married almost 2 years in June.  We had done a lot of counseling and felt strongly we were both ready to be married, however, about six months into our marriage his Mother passed away, this seemed to have put him in a downward spiral and the past year and half have been challenging, miserable and exhausting.  I am the 5th wife and he has a long history of strained relationships throughout his life due to the bouts of extreme anger and mood swings, condescending comments, you name it... .people get tired and move on.  And at 52 years old he still accepts no fault for any of his broken relationships... .everyone else is the problem. 

I know I have to set boundaries and put my foot down, but will have to do so in counseling.  If I try to talk calmly about anything seriously he starts to scream at me because he knows I will walk away and declare a time out. Any suggestions?  I am going to work with the counselors we see one separately then both of them together ever other week.  But everything, and I mean everything is my fault.  Right now he says he has had it because I was yelling at him and making him feel like a loser because he is off of work.  This is not the truth... .I asked for a calm conversation in regard to a plan for what we are going to do about benefits.  He stood up and started screaming that why should he have to carry them (which he lovingly offered to do when we got married since his benefits are really great)  Luckily the kids weren't here because he yelled for 20 minutes about what a loser their father was because he didn't carry them and what a loser I am because I haven't made enough commission this past year.  I am in sales btw, and have a prosperous career and have always brought in more than my share.  And so it continues... .the lies, the not accepting fault, the screaming and downgrading of everyone in his path. Good times... .but thank you, thank you for your help and support.

[livednlearned]

Ah, I see.

One of the hallmarks of BPD is that feelings = facts.

It sounds like your H feels shame about his job situation. He probably has a lifetime of projecting difficult feelings onto other people and then reacting to them as though those thoughts are real. It's pretty confusing!

One thing that might work is to try validating how he feels. This means acknowledging his feelings without necessarily agreeing with the thoughts.

Most of us here tend to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE) with someone who is BPD, and we get sucked into a circular argument. Or, JADE can escalate an argument.

Validation is a skill that can head off an escalation.

"Losing a job can feel awful, anyone would feel that way. I can see why you might feel that."

Sometimes, a pwBPD is too dysregulated and validation is too little too late. Still, it's always worth trying!

A book that helped me with this skill is Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning. Another one is Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. 

When someone is dysregulated, trying to solve problems or make plans is fruitless. It's probably a good idea to raise the topic when he isn't emotionally aroused.

For your situation, do you have a way to get healthcare for the family without his participation, if it comes to that? Since he is not cooperating now, and it's a serious thing, I might go ahead and start looking at solutions that you have control over. Then ease him into the solution... .