BPD girlfriend broke up with me out of nowhere -- now what?

[Depression = 72% of members]

First post here -- BPD girlfriend just ended our 16 month relationship with an email.  I am now blocked on her cell. I have no clue what to do.  We have a LD relationship.  I was supposed to move out and join her at the end of May.  I sold one of my homes -- and am living now with a 2 hour commute both ways to my job at another house I own.  This was supposed to be a temporary situation until I left my job and joined her 1800 miles away.


This situation is just 3 days old.  She is an alcoholic in recovery.  She had a dry relapse recently.  But she started going to AA meetings again.  She did wig out on me earlier in the year -- we did not speak for 3 weeks but that was apparently because she was embarrassed about her behavior.  We reconnected in late January.  Had an amazing reconnection -- we were back for couple of months then slam... .out of nowhere... .after an amazing valentine's day -- after a total recommitment to our relationship she went AWOL.  And has chosen to go no contact.  Even cut me off of facebook which I rarely use.   Does this happen often with BPD's?  Do they ever return?  She is the greatest love of my life.  We do have an amazing time together.  I am so confused?  Who does that?

[Gingerfrosting]

First post here -- BPD girlfriend just ended our 16 month relationship with an email.  I am now blocked on her cell. I have no clue what to do.  We have a LD relationship.  I was supposed to move out and join her at the end of May.  I sold one of my homes -- and am living now with a 2 hour commute both ways to my job at another house I own.  This was supposed to be a temporary situation until I left my job and joined her 1800 miles away.


This situation is just 3 days old.  She is an alcoholic in recovery.  She had a dry relapse recently.  But she started going to AA meetings again.  She did wig out on me earlier in the year -- we did not speak for 3 weeks but that was apparently because she was embarrassed about her behavior.  We reconnected in late January.  Had an amazing reconnection -- we were back for couple of months then slam... .out of nowhere... .after an amazing valentine's day -- after a total recommitment to our relationship she went AWOL.  And has chosen to go no contact.  Even cut me off of facebook which I rarely use.   Does this happen often with BPD's?  Do they ever return?  She is the greatest love of my life.  We do have an amazing time together.  I am so confused?  Who does that?

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[Mutt]

Hi Gingerfrosting, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that, I can see how she put out of place with your plans together.

I am now blocked on her cell. I have no clue what to do.  We have a LD relationship.

Can you walk us through this? Was there a conversation before she blocked you on her cell? If so, what was said?

[Careca9]

And has chosen to go no contact.  Even cut me off of facebook which I rarely use.   :)oes this happen often with BPD's?  Do they ever return?  She is the greatest love of my life.  We do have an amazing time together.  I am so confused?  Who does that?
[/quote]

Sorry to hear about your situation, I know from Dec when my exBPD left out of the blue how hard it can be. There's loads of good info on here so have a look through the advice section and check on other posts they give plenty of advice

Mine has blocked me on social media and my cell and from what I have found it is a fairly normal thing to happen. Some recycle yes but no one can predict what course they will tske, the only thing I would say is you won't be able to manipulate the situation to suit you. This will all be about her so she will more than likely look to control any possible recycle to suit her needs.

I'd advise you take the time apart to learn as much as you can about BPD so you are in the best position to know what you may be facing and to take the time to get yourself in a more grounded position. It's hard if you have fallen for them hard but with time we will hopefully all get through. I would definitely preface yourself mentally that it could be over or that getting back what you had may be impossible, you have to ask yourself if you could take someone back who has done this and maybe likely to do again int he future. It doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship

[Gingerfrosting]

She blocked me right after I had shared with her a favorite memory of us together.  It was one of hers too.  Prior to that she had said that speaking to confuses her

[Gingerfrosting]

I just found out that she is coming to visit her children who live not that far from me. She moved away last year. We have had an ld relationship from that time.  So she's coming to town the week of my birthday. She has mace it known to a common friend that she did not want me to know because she did t want to see me (friend told me anyway). I have a concern though. Although she says she doesn't want to see me we used to work together. There are many coworkers she would love to see.  That doesn't bode well for not seeing me since I head up a large group of them.  I am thinking about reaching out to her unde a different email and asking her... .when she comes to town to be considerate and NOT come to the offe because I don't want see, hear or even smell her perfume. 

Is that too much to ask

[abraxus]

Yes, it is too much to ask. At least it will be from her point of view. She will likely say that if you can't handle seeing her then that's your problem, and shouldn't be hers. Worse, it will be admitting to weakness on your part, and if there's one thing I've learnt, is that BPD's despise weakness, and will jump on it. Probably because deep down they know they're weak, and so they look for strength in others, and feel disappointed, and even resentful, when they don't get it. In contemplative moments they do blame themselves for their own weakness, and so have no difficulty blaming you for yours So, if I were you, I really wouldn't go there.

The fact is, there's nothing you can do. Anything you try to do will probably push her further away, so all you can do is tough it out.

On the plus front, she has come back before, and been remorseful; and the fact that she admits to being confused means that she obviously still has feelings. So, if she does come back, then don't be too enthusiastic, and don't recommit too heavily. That doesn't mean a lengthy discussion about taking things slowly, or any discussion for that matter. Just let things ease back at her pace.

Who knows whether you can make it last, that depends on her as an individual, and how strong you are. However, to stand any chance, you need her to be the one that's always a little more committed than you. It's a fine balance, as if you're too aloof you'll trigger her abandonment fears, so always remain in reach, but the minute you appear to be more committed then she'll likely bolt again. She will always complain that you're either getting too close (smothering her, she needs space etc), or are too distant, so you'll always be treading a very fine line, but in my experience it's better to err on giving slightly too little than too much.

If you can handle the back and forth it's not too bad, as they have incredibly poor emotional memory, so if you get it wrong, you can re-calibrate next time until you get the balance right. Just don't fall for the push/pull. If she pushes you away then don't chase and try to pull her back, instead just move away yourself. Equally, if she pulls you towards her, don't come running, be a little resistant. The fact is, they have a comfortable distance, and too close is too much for them, and off they go; but so is too far, so they come running back. You just have to try and find that middle ground, but that's hard for most people, as they usually want more closeness than BPD's can handle.

[Gingerfrosting]

"Yes, it is too much to ask. At least it will be from her point of view. She will likely say that if you can't handle seeing her then that's your problem, and shouldn't be hers. Worse, it will be admitting to weakness on your part, and if there's one thing I've learnt, is that BPD's despise weakness, and will jump on it. Probably because deep down they know they're weak, and so they look for strength in others, and feel disappointed, and even resentful, when they don't get it. In contemplative moments they do blame themselves for their own weakness, and so have no difficulty blaming you for yours So, if I were you, I really wouldn't go there"

Thank you for your response.   The reason I thought that I would go there was because she made it very clear to our mutual friend that she did not want to see me.  She didn't even want our mutual friend to tell me that she was coming to town.  That said -- all I was thinking about doing was reaching out to her and stating when she was in town that I don't want to see HER and make it clear that I don't want her coming by the office.

Is that weak?  I mean honestly if she showed up at the office, it would hurt and at the same time I would have to hold back from slapping her (figuratively speaking)

[abraxus]

Thank you for your response.   The reason I thought that I would go there was because she made it very clear to our mutual friend that she did not want to see me.  She didn't even want our mutual friend to tell me that she was coming to town.  That said -- all I was thinking about doing was reaching out to her and stating when she was in town that I don't want to see HER and make it clear that I don't want her coming by the office.

Is that weak?  I mean honestly if she showed up at the office, it would hurt and at the same time I would have to hold back from slapping her (figuratively speaking)

Believe or not, yes. No matter how strongly you phrase it, when you break it down, it says that your emotions are affected by her. To a woman, and especialy a BPD one, that appears as weak.

Besides, telling her that you don't want her to come by the office will just be seen by her as confrontational, and an opportunity to challenge you and pick a fight, especially as you'd have to get around her block to do so. That could get messy quickly.

Equally, by telling a mutual friend that she didn't want to see you, and knowing that you'll be at the office, she's hoping that you'll take a third party message and not be there. That would then be allowing her to control your actions by proxy, as well as your emotions, which would be weaker still. Frankly, the onus should be on her to contact you, to discuss any awkward logistics, given that she's blocked you.

To be honest, it's your workplace, and she knows you're likely to be there and so, if she really doesn't want to see you, it's up to her not to turn up to places she's knows you'll be.

I appreciate that it will be difficult, and that it will hurt, so it's up to you how you handle it, and I'm just giving my opinion of the pitfalls and how things might be perceived.

[Gingerfrosting]

She's coming back to town to visit her kids.  Something she has done several times before.  I sold my house because it was time to sell it; I moved into another house I own an hour away. When we met, she was an alcoholic in recovery for over 2 years -- detox, rehab, was actively involved in AA and her sober group for all sorts of activities.  She appeared to be quite the strong woman when I met her.  I'm may FEEL crazy now, but I'm NOT crazy.  This whole thing is confusing.  I just can't wrap my head around how someone can literally change overnight.  I'm guessing this is quite common.  :)o they change overnight back too for no reason?

[Gingerfrosting]

"Believe or not, yes. No matter how strongly you phrase it, when you break it down, it says that your emotions are affected by her. To a woman, and especialy a BPD one, that appears as weak."

Does that strong vs weak aspect apply in a same sex relationship as well?   

[abraxus]

Does that strong vs weak aspect apply in a same sex relationship as well?   

Good question, but I have no idea how it works in that kind of dynamic.

Some women tend to see a lack of emotional control in a man as a weakness, but not sure how they see it in other women. The BPD women I know despised it in other women, which was ironic, as they had none.

No doubt it varies somewhat, but a good guide would how supportive/tolerant/understanding/empathetic she was towards your emotional needs. From the outside it looks like not very.

[abraxus]

This whole thing is confusing.  I just can't wrap my head around how someone can literally change overnight.  I'm guessing this is quite common.  Do they change overnight back too for no reason?

It's pretty common, and yes they can, although that won't make things any less confusing for you. Especially knowing that, whilst they can, only means they can go right back the other way again, just as quick.

In truth it's more nuanced than that, as certain things can trigger them in either direction, but you'd have to study somewhat to get an understanding of that, then apply it your own situation, and still have no guarantee that any of it can work.

In the end, it's probably easier to study why you think someone who treats you like that is the greatest love of your life. Many of the emotional influences are similar, in that they create an illusion that defies logic and reason, and are just that much more extreme in someone with BPD. So, often it's simpler to fix your own attachment dilemma than try to deal with hers.