Help, please. I don't know what else to do

[JoeBPD81]

I've had a horrible night.

It's been a tough week with the kids, they have behave as tirants after getting everything, and their BPDmom had ended most days in rage and tears. It feels like the more we give them, the worse they treat us, specially her.

Yesterday we were watching a Harry P film, mother and son love them, and the son was moved by the unfair treatment to Harry. But then, asked a question, and his mom patiently explained it, and when he got tired of the explanation and wanted the movie back on, he screamed something awful to his mom, don't remember exactly, but I got up and hugged her because she was crying. And the kid kept asking for the movie back, totally insensitive after making his mom cry, he's 10. This goes on day after day after day. The little one, 5, doesn't listen at all, we were worried he might be deaf, but no, he hears perfectly well, but ignores most of what we say, as if the TV was left on. So when his mom is crying and ask him to please do something, and she's completely ignored, it kills her.

So after all this week, she said yesterday that she gives up, that she will turn the custody to their father, who is an alcoholic, and an abuser, and then she'll kill herself. She was chanting that again and again, not in front of the kids, they heard screams and crying, but didn't know what was going on. She yelled at me when I approached, she was locked in the kitchen, she had climbed on a chair and was there almost in fetal position, sobbing incontrolably, and repeating awful things.

I said I'd be there for her if she needed something, and waited by the kitchen door. She eventually came out and went to kiss the kids good night, they were asleep for a while. She talked to me, but saying how crazy she was, and how she is making the kids the way they are. She doesn't want to see them turning into BPD themselves. And she tries everything, and nothing works, it's like they are more and more behaving like babies, the older they get.

I've read most pwBPD don't take the blame for anything. My GF takes the blame for everything, even if in the moment rages against anyone, and won't say she's wrong about specific things, she says she is damaged beyond hope. And she only wants to die. She said yesterday that I don't love her, because she is nothing, and there is nothing to love. She called me a liar, screaming, because I said I loved her.

She's had this idea before... .But she looked seriously on edge last night. I'm at work now, and the little kid is sick, so she's staying at home with both kids today. She hasn't slept, me barelly, and we haven't talked because she didn't want to wake up the sick child.

While I was waiting outside the kitchen door, I was desperate, thinking "What can I say to her?" What is here to validate? I told her about the things she does as a mother, and told her anyone would feel it's too much, and that the kids are not like that because of her, she does the best that anyone can do; and that we are the hope the kids have at having a happy life, we care, and we try to find ways to help them. (Their dad would beat the sxxt out of them is they behave like they do).

But I already felt so depressed, and so lonely myself... .I know I'm expendable in their family, sometimes I'm required to be involved, sometimes pushed away, and I don't know where I stand. For months I had more relation with the kids than with her, all the while with these threats of leaving. I don't have a say in the kids education, and even backing up her position gets me lectured and hatred. I try to hold to some hints that she love me, but now I fell it can't be true. She appreciates that I'm a good guy... .But that's it.

I want to help, and I have no clue how.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[badenergytroll]

My friend, I'm afraid you don't know what you have gotten yourself into.

A person very close me to went through a similar situation. For years. In the end, when he finally improved the situation with the kids.

Their mom got jealous. Packed up and left him, took the kids.

It would be great to have others drop in on this topic. And you need to look out for yourself and your own self interest, you can easily come to harm here.

[AvaM]

Feeling helpless in your situation is so normal! It sounds like you are doing all you know how to do and it's okay that you don't know how to do more right now. It sounds like you want more options; please consider finding a counselor for yourself, perhaps one specializing in BPD, so that you can learn more about what you can do (for both yourself and your family) and also to have your own support source to help put things in perspective. I identify with much of your experience, especially the part about being told that you're lying when you are speaking from the heart. It is her illness that gives her that perspective; it truly is not about you. It is very hard, to say the least, to not take such things personally but I know it can be done. I have been working on that for a few years now and it has been slow going, but I feel it is well worth the effort. Sometimes, though, we can slip into the state of beginning to believe what our BP SOs say to us about ourselves and our feelings and motivations, so remember to take personal inventory of both these things, perhaps even write about them privately, so that you can remain anchored to your sense of personal identity and can make sure you are being genuine with her.

Best wishes; I hope you find the answers you need.

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks a lot for answering.

I know some people here have it much worse than I do. Violent spouses, stalking, being accussed of everything... .

I "just" live with the constant fear of her death... .She might be dying from complications caused by her anorexia anyway. She won't fight the anorexia as long as she has no will to live. And she won't have a will to live as long as she gets the impression that her kids would be better off with anyone but her.

I managed to talk her out of this mindset, and get her to keep going miraculously many many times. But it always start with me thinking I won't know what to say. And then I find the words. She gets mad and suspicious and tells me she won't let me "trick her again" as if I was some serpent that hipnotizes her into keep living. So I always star at a disadvantage.

Her trusted therapist, the first she likes in years, fell sick right after diagnosing her with BPD, so she's got the anxiety of such a bad reputed disorder, and no treatment at all. I know the first step would be to tackle the suicide thoughts and self harm mentality. We manage all the rest as best as we can.

We've been 3 years together, but only 8 months living together, because they have nowhere else to go, not because we thought we were ready. She resents the fact that her kids depend on me, they have a roof over their heads because I provide. And she feels she doesn't chip in anything. Meanwhile, their dad is loaded, so she thinks they would feel safe with him, economically.

The kids misbehave, but they love me, the have taking me in since day one, before living together they would spend all weekends at my flat. The older one has a lot of chances of developing BPD, he can't find his place, he has out of the charts ADD, and he's maturing behind his age (he notices he's different than kids his age). He feels his little brother has stolen his life, so he treates him really badly, and this is the biggest problem of the little one. But when we defend the younger, we make the older feel worse, not loved. He's in therapy, and we try our best to find balance. They would be a chalenge for any parent, most mothers would end in tears, but my GF thinks it's just her being not fit.

I work and I study, so lately I've taken some time outs, and helped having less arguments, but then she feels I live my own life separated from them. And I just go to my room to study. I don't leave. I don't go out, ever, without them. I don't enjoy studying, it's hard to find motivation and concentrate hearing the kids play, and tired after work, so I advance really slow. It takes me a lot of time to read 10 pages. Most days my head is in our problems. She knows I had it easy to study before, I didn't spend much time, while living alone. But now I need 4 times more. But she asumes I just don't want to spend time with them... .Then some days we are a team, and that's wonderful.

I can't look for my own interest when I feel I'm gonna lost her, or that is she leaves me they have no place to go. I can be selfish, but not to that point. I just can't. Some days it feels like she is so close to get a grip on the whole situation... .And other days she's a completelly different person. She's an expert on self invalidation. She appreciates I'm reading about BPD, but if I get therapy about it, she would feel more as a problem to me than she already does. It can push her down the clift.

My problem is not her, is knowing that she is in risk of dying.

[AvaM]

It is hard to know what to do when a BP partner makes everything we do about them. It can affect the choices we make and prevent us from doing some things that would benefit ourselves and actually make us more "there" for them because we have the support we personally need from someone who understands their condition as well as its effects on us. Sometimes it IS about them indirectly and that can be okay when we are practicing self-care that is particularly needed because of destructive things our BP is doing, like being suicidal. Have you tried studying Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook? It is helping me immensely. I do have to keep it out of sight of my BDhusband, however, or it will send him into a "what is so wrong with me that she needs that book" mode. AND I need to be careful to remember that I am not doing anything wrong but something beneficial to myself and therefore not feeling guilty  or he'll sense that and go into a "I knew she was cheating on me" mode. In words, he says that he understands that he should respect my privacy and promises to do so but in actions he feels entitled to snoop through my things because he "knows" I'm cheating on him (or practicing witchcraft, wanting to read my mail because he's sure there is something about him in my letters, you name it ... .his excuses change). Please reconsider getting your own therapist who can help you learn what is best for yourself and her in this scary situation you're in, and consider helping her get help again as well. She will most likely NOT be okay with either your going for counseling or asking her to do so, but she is ill and that is where her fear comes from. Her not being okay with it and even felling more self-loathing are signs of how badly the help is needed, I think.

Thanks for being brave and sharing with us.

[JoeBPD81]

I didn't study today and I left work early, so I could spend the evening with them. She seems more in peace and as allways, she doesn't say anything has changed, but if days go by, she won't be in the dark place for some time.
Therapy for me is something I often reconsider, I haven't ruled it out.
For now, let's see if I can get some sleep.

I'm reading "The budha and the borderline". And I'll be reading "stop walking on eggshels" next.