Moving On

[Crofter]

I divorced five years ago from a 30 year marriage with a narcissist--really 20 years once I understood the futility of seeing several therapists and trying different approaches to understanding and trying to work it out/hold it together with three children. I came to see myself as begging, really... .please hear me and come to the table.  Of course, I saw how I stayed in it too long. 

But I then met up with a friend from grade school at a reunion--not knowing him for the more than 50 years in the interim. He seemed the opposite of my passive narcissist and swept me up. He was flattering and delighted with me... .and delighting--fun and social and intense. It helped me release from the past and was a relationship for four years--just ended now for about three months. He was diagnosed variously with PTSD, NPD, and BP.  And with all that info, I stayed in it. The first two years were great (although I see the red flags now) but then he grew more and more controlling and self regarding and directive and critical -- negative and easily irritated. In our breakup he wrote an email with a litany of blame that made no sense and details/recall was completely inaccurate. So... .I didn't respond to that and understood the futility.

I'm struggling now bc I enjoyed the exciting and intense pieces but know i wouldn't continue given the now clearly abusive nature of the relationship. I'd like to work on clarity of my purpose and my now obvious tendency to gravitate to unavailable and critical men. But I am also sad at the loss... .seeing that he helped me to avoid the real transition from coupled life to single life.  I otherwise have a fabulous work, creative and relationship filled life--just not in the intimate, romantic space.

I sometimes see this clearly and feel conviction but as often feel a loss and miss it-- I've come to see the excitement as though it were a movie I was in and loved but that the character wasn't there and it couldn't be sustained.  I'm also a little surprised at myself that I feel so conflicted and a bit lost... .it feels like he got into my head and heart and I can't stop thinking about it--wishing, blah, blah, blah-- can't stand that I'm so stuck.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Crofter, Welcome!  A r/s with a pwBPD is like a movie, as you note, because it is more of an illusion than a reality.  Most BPD relationships, in my view, are not built to last, as you discovered.  Yet you seem to be coming to terms with the reasons why you entered into the r/s in the first place, which is a good first step towards healing.  How do you feel about yourself?  Can you love and accept yourself just the way you are?  If not, that's worth exploring, too.  If so, then you're in a good place to move on.  Letting go, one could say, is the process of shedding what is inauthentic.

LuckyJim

[getfree]

Hi Crofter!

As both you and Lucky Jim have already mentioned these relationships feel like movie scripts playing out rather than "real life". I think at the time if we had been more critical we may have seen the inauthenticity of it all but, for me at least, the fantasy was worth investing in because I sincerely wanted to believe it could be real.

I also agree with Lucky Jim's view that BPD relationships (or a relationship with any untreated PD) are not built to last. A functional adult relationship requires two emotionally developed adults, removing our own issues as "nons" the level of dysfunction that our BPD partners bring to a relationship is likely to make a successful outcome next to impossible.

Crucially I also think it means that the BPD partner avoids seeking treatment or help, the internal narrative is "I've got a partner/spouse, a job and a car so I *must* be normal". The people and things in their lives aren't there for themselves but almost as props like in a movie.

[vortex of confusion]

Crucially I also think it means that the BPD partner avoids seeking treatment or help, the internal narrative is "I've got a partner/spouse, a job and a car so I *must* be normal". The people and things in their lives aren't there for themselves but almost as props like in a movie.

To turn this around a bit. . .why do we allow ourselves to be the props? If I am continually attracted to the same kind of person, what does that say about me? What do I need to work on? If I don't acknowledge that, then I am doomed to continue to repeat the same patterns over and over.

[Ahoy]

To turn this around a bit. . .why do we allow ourselves to be the props? If I am continually attracted to the same kind of person, what does that say about me? What do I need to work on? If I don't acknowledge that, then I am doomed to continue to repeat the same patterns over and over.

It's been said here before and I'll say it again, this is what lies at the heart of our recovery. If we don't answer this question, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.

Now I've realized that I have co-dependent traits and (had) low self-esteem, the attention my ex gave me was like nothing I have ever experienced from a woman and I jumped into the river without checking how deep it was or how fast the current was flowing.

I think If I were to blame my ex for everything, without introspection, the next person that I spoke to with BPD traits that started to show me attention (of which I realise there have been several) I would have easily been sucked back in to the chaos/drama.

Now I'm still single (by choice) while I continue to heal and analyse MY reasons for what I did. This also helps shift thinking away from our partners.

Do not underestimate the roles we played in our relationships. Answer the question that Vortex asked and you will be vey much on the road to recovery =)

[marti644]

I echo Ahoy and VoC's statements. We have to reflect on ourselves to figure out our patterns. Staying angry and placing all the blame on our partners does not help the healing process. Understanding the disorder, the type of people who stay in BPD relationships, and how unhealthy being a 'rescuer is are key to beginning this process.

I have had to acknowledge my on responsibility in these relationships.
I have co-dependency traits and low self esteem; largely I think because of a dysfunctional childhood and a PD mother and an ND father. This is something I am still learning about.

I have always dated people with varying levels of PD and all of them have been extremely selfish people. I CHOSE to date people with PDs even though I saw red flags early on in all these relationships. This was my choice, they did no make it for me. The first step for healing myself was acknowledging that I was not just a victim, caught in the web of an evil disordered person. For lack of a better way of saying it, I like(d) to date disordered people, because I do not have to worry about my intimacy issues and I can always be in the 'one up' position. This is very wrong and selfish of me. These people were sick and broken, and I should have known not to get in serious, committed relationships with them.

Generally speaking all my relationship partners only really cared about themselves and their own feelings, wants, and needs; these were coping mechanisms from the various childhood trauma they all had. My emotions were often shunted to the side (which I allowed to happen by setting weak boundaries), something I learned in childhood. These relationships all ended in disaster when I burned out. The last BPD relationship was the only one where I wasn't the one to leave. The shock of the discard made me realize the pattern, and as painful as this has been was the first step in really understanding my own relationship dynamics.

I am learning to change my coping mechanisms and put myself out there for more mentally healthy people. But most importantly, I am finding myself and what I really want and more importantly FEEL.

Disordered or non-disordered I do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who only cares about their own feelings, takes no responsibility for the own actions, refuses to learn from their mistakes because they are too scared, or hurts their partner purposely because they are hurting. That is no way to live the short life we all have. And if I can't find someone to share my life with then I should be alone, because I should love myself first. Being with someone (anyone) isn't worth the heaps of emotional abuse I have put up with just so I could have the relationship box 'ticked".

Sorry for the rant just had to get that out haha.