Please remind me of the point/benefits of decent relationship w/BPD MIL

[Depression = 72% of members]

Instead of just feeling like part of my life is just not standing up for myself, (because we know that confrontation is to be avoided at all costs and my husband has to deal with his BPD mother, not me, directly) what are some of the benefits of trying to make a better relationship with a person with BPD - even and especially when they don't care about your feelings or your needs, etc?

a.) I know it means a lot to my husband that I'm willing to let him deal with his mom and also that I'm willing not say anything to her pretty much unless it's polite. (aka let's not make things worse / let her be the bad guy all she wants although that's exhausting too)

b.) How do you keep your spirits up? I know it's probably got to do with detachment, but that is something that's going to take more time to fully compute for me.

c.) What's the point? She's never going to change. Why do I bother ever even talking to her? Is there anything that would make me want to go higher than just very low contact?

d.)  My main point in trying to find ways to make the relationship as positive as possible (at this point it's really only NC with perhaps an occasional family gathering at some point.) is so that when we start a family she's hopefully not as bad as when we were planning the wedding.

e.) Is there anything really positive that I can think about in all of this? It's really burning me out to think that she's never going to change, she hates me, doesn't want her kids to be married, etc. I know that's where I have to learn detachment, but I'm not sure I can just detach my feelings. I would have done that already if I knew how. I've read tons about it. It doesn't seem to work for me. I'll try again though.

[TDeer]

Instead of just feeling like part of my life is just not standing up for myself, (because we know that confrontation is to be avoided at all costs and my husband has to deal with his BPD mother, not me, directly) what are some of the benefits of trying to make a better relationship with a person with BPD - even and especially when they don't care about your feelings or your needs, etc?

a.) I know it means a lot to my husband that I'm willing to let him deal with his mom and also that I'm willing not say anything to her pretty much unless it's polite. (aka let's not make things worse / let her be the bad guy all she wants although that's exhausting too)

b.) How do you keep your spirits up? I know it's probably got to do with detachment, but that is something that's going to take more time to fully compute for me.

c.) What's the point? She's never going to change. Why do I bother ever even talking to her? Is there anything that would make me want to go higher than just very low contact?

d.)  My main point in trying to find ways to make the relationship as positive as possible (at this point it's really only NC with perhaps an occasional family gathering at some point.) is so that when we start a family she's hopefully not as bad as when we were planning the wedding.

e.) Is there anything really positive that I can think about in all of this? It's really burning me out to think that she's never going to change, she hates me, doesn't want her kids to be married, etc. I know that's where I have to learn detachment, but I'm not sure I can just detach my feelings. I would have done that already if I knew how. I've read tons about it. It doesn't seem to work for me. I'll try again though.

[Notwendy]

What are you trying to accomplish here? It may not be possible to have a decent relationship with your MIL according to your standards. It is possible to have a good relationship with your husband. It is also possible to be a decent person, even if she is not. (your decency has nothing to do with her)

a.) I know it means a lot to my husband that I'm willing to let him deal with his mom and also that I'm willing not say anything to her pretty much unless it's polite. (aka let's not make things worse / let her be the bad guy all she wants although that's exhausting too)

It is his mother, so it is OK to let him deal with her.

How is she the bad guy in relationship to you now? She didn't hijack your wedding- you stopped that, and the birthday lunch didn't result in a lot of drama.

Yes, she may be a mean hateful person- but that is her choice. You don't have to include her in all aspects of your life- and you can be happy no matter what she is feeling.

b.) How do you keep your spirits up? I know it's probably got to do with detachment, but that is something that's going to take more time to fully compute for me.

My own mother is mean and can not love me like I want her to. I have to accept that this is who she is, not who I am. I am lovable and other people love me. Your husband loves you. MIL may not be able to do that. It helps to accept that she is who she is, but it has nothing to do with who you are, just her own sad perspective.

c.) What's the point? She's never going to change. Why do I bother ever even talking to her? Is there anything that would make me want to go higher than just very low contact?

Maybe not. She isn't likely to change. But being a civil person is about you. It doesn't mean being a doormat. It just means treating her civilly.

d.)  My main point in trying to find ways to make the relationship as positive as possible (at this point it's really only NC with perhaps an occasional family gathering at some point.) is so that when we start a family she's hopefully not as bad as when we were planning the wedding.

You will need to set boundaries around your children's welfare. She will want to have some sort of relationship with them. She may be just as bad as ever, and you will need to address this if it comes up.

One of my boundaries was to not leave my children alone with my mother. Often we met in family groups, so this wasn't an issue. You can have your own family celebrations- holidays, birthdays, but schedule some time for grandparents too.

e.) Is there anything really positive that I can think about in all of this?

Your marriage with your H can be whatever you make of it. If you let MIL take too much of your focus, you may lose sight of this potential.

It's really burning me out to think that she's never going to change, she hates me, doesn't want her kids to be married, etc.

She is who she is, and you can't control this. Letting this get to you is like letting her live rent free in your thoughts. Don't give this to her.



I know that's where I have to learn detachment, but I'm not sure I can just detach my feelings.

It would be a good skill to learn.

What is going on with you sounds like resentment. Holding on to resentment is creating stress for you, but not for her. Once you see this as only affecting you, and your marriage, it may be easier to let go of.