Update from an oldtimer.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  I have not posted in 5 years. I found this message board in 2007 or 2008 and started a long twisted journey to a different life. I was married for 13 years to a BPD. I was separated for the last 2 years of that marriage, and after initially filing it took a year and a half to finalize everything. That was Nov. of 2012. This place BPD family helped me so much when I needed it. I found true support and comfort during some of the hardest and darkest days of my life. I just wanted to write a little what it is like 5+ years out of the FOG.
 Waking up to the reality of the extent of the dysfunction of my marriage was a strange experience. It brought such pain but so much strength at the same time. I was the stay at home momma to 4 kiddos and my life revolved around making my family happy and healthy. Unfortunately no matter how hard I tried I could never accomplish that. In fact the day I drove away from the court house with my divorce decree in hand was one of the most empowering days of my life. For the first time in years I had hope. That is a powerful tool in our lives.
 Life did not magically become rainbows and butterflies, but it helps to come here and read some of my old posts and see just how far I have come. Right after the divorce I was supporting my family by working 2 jobs and numerous odds and ends, babysitting, cleaning houses ect. I did this for a couple of years before my oldest daughter moved away to college and I quit my night job. I was ok with that and 2 years ago went back to school full time to finish a degree I started 20 years ago. So now my life is stressful and crazy and feels a bit out of control but I am the one choosing that stress. I am also the one working towards making something better for the children and myself. My kiddos are 21 ( and married... .yikes) 17, 12, and 10. It was awesome watching my oldest daughter date, and figure out her relationship with a very healthy and kind young man. I have been able to support and grow and learn as my 17,12 and 10 year old try to navigate their childhoods and relationships with their BPD father.  My 17 year old is struggling the last couple years, it has been hard to watch that unfold but at the same time I have learned so much. I am going to school full time and working part time. I am on a full academic scholarship and actually this adds a lot of stress trying to maintain a grade point average high enough to keep that and still go to school, support the family, and maintain healthy relationships at home. The exBPD has been in and out of the kids lives the last 5 years. He has switched jobs and states of residence more times than I can count, the kids are starting to understand the cycles by this time. I have tried to remain, supportive and open and honest with all they deal with. As for me, I am disengaged. I have tried to do holidays together for the sake of the kids but have found that the only way that works is having it on neutral ground like at a restaurant for big birthday dinners. Usually there are enough people there to allow me to be in my own space and not have to be in close contact with each other.  Other than that we have little contact. Every time he moves back to this area he tries to push the boundaries and it always ends up with the same situation, him not being allowed in my house and the kids not really understanding that but me feeling so much better when that is instituted. If I am not super strict on that he would still come into my home uninvited and take naps on my couch ect. I will never figure out how there is absolutely no boundaries with them. But part of that is still my own doing as well. I have a hard time making concrete boundaries and sticking with them. Part of my own journey in this whole process. I am learning that with my teenager too. Just tonight I had an issue again, where I opened myself up to all the dysfunction again.
 I guess what I wanted to say with this post is even with the incredible stress in my life right now, I feel like I can keep moving forward. I feel like my family can move forward.  I feel like even with my son and his struggles right now I can remain loving and supportive. There are times that are hard. The hardest moments come when I have to co parent with him. But through it all I am so glad for the time on this board and the support I had to leave the situation. I have had moments of doubt when things are super hard. All it really takes is about 10 minutes in the same room with my ex or a parenting situation and I am reminded why I choose this other life. Things will be hard, leaving a relationship like this behind is not a painless process. I would not change my new life for my old one for all the money, fame, or  accolade in the world. I am ok with the journey I am in now, because it is mine. I sometimes wish I would not have put my kids and myself through so much before I left, but I can't change that now. Now I just want to do the best I can with what I have and give my kids the best chance at happy and healthy. We just do our best right?

[Jbird]

  I have not posted in 5 years. I found this message board in 2007 or 2008 and started a long twisted journey to a different life. I was married for 13 years to a BPD. I was separated for the last 2 years of that marriage, and after initially filing it took a year and a half to finalize everything. That was Nov. of 2012. This place BPD family helped me so much when I needed it. I found true support and comfort during some of the hardest and darkest days of my life. I just wanted to write a little what it is like 5+ years out of the FOG.
 Waking up to the reality of the extent of the dysfunction of my marriage was a strange experience. It brought such pain but so much strength at the same time. I was the stay at home momma to 4 kiddos and my life revolved around making my family happy and healthy. Unfortunately no matter how hard I tried I could never accomplish that. In fact the day I drove away from the court house with my divorce decree in hand was one of the most empowering days of my life. For the first time in years I had hope. That is a powerful tool in our lives.
 Life did not magically become rainbows and butterflies, but it helps to come here and read some of my old posts and see just how far I have come. Right after the divorce I was supporting my family by working 2 jobs and numerous odds and ends, babysitting, cleaning houses ect. I did this for a couple of years before my oldest daughter moved away to college and I quit my night job. I was ok with that and 2 years ago went back to school full time to finish a degree I started 20 years ago. So now my life is stressful and crazy and feels a bit out of control but I am the one choosing that stress. I am also the one working towards making something better for the children and myself. My kiddos are 21 ( and married... .yikes) 17, 12, and 10. It was awesome watching my oldest daughter date, and figure out her relationship with a very healthy and kind young man. I have been able to support and grow and learn as my 17,12 and 10 year old try to navigate their childhoods and relationships with their BPD father.  My 17 year old is struggling the last couple years, it has been hard to watch that unfold but at the same time I have learned so much. I am going to school full time and working part time. I am on a full academic scholarship and actually this adds a lot of stress trying to maintain a grade point average high enough to keep that and still go to school, support the family, and maintain healthy relationships at home. The exBPD has been in and out of the kids lives the last 5 years. He has switched jobs and states of residence more times than I can count, the kids are starting to understand the cycles by this time. I have tried to remain, supportive and open and honest with all they deal with. As for me, I am disengaged. I have tried to do holidays together for the sake of the kids but have found that the only way that works is having it on neutral ground like at a restaurant for big birthday dinners. Usually there are enough people there to allow me to be in my own space and not have to be in close contact with each other.  Other than that we have little contact. Every time he moves back to this area he tries to push the boundaries and it always ends up with the same situation, him not being allowed in my house and the kids not really understanding that but me feeling so much better when that is instituted. If I am not super strict on that he would still come into my home uninvited and take naps on my couch ect. I will never figure out how there is absolutely no boundaries with them. But part of that is still my own doing as well. I have a hard time making concrete boundaries and sticking with them. Part of my own journey in this whole process. I am learning that with my teenager too. Just tonight I had an issue again, where I opened myself up to all the dysfunction again.
 I guess what I wanted to say with this post is even with the incredible stress in my life right now, I feel like I can keep moving forward. I feel like my family can move forward.  I feel like even with my son and his struggles right now I can remain loving and supportive. There are times that are hard. The hardest moments come when I have to co parent with him. But through it all I am so glad for the time on this board and the support I had to leave the situation. I have had moments of doubt when things are super hard. All it really takes is about 10 minutes in the same room with my ex or a parenting situation and I am reminded why I choose this other life. Things will be hard, leaving a relationship like this behind is not a painless process. I would not change my new life for my old one for all the money, fame, or  accolade in the world. I am ok with the journey I am in now, because it is mine. I sometimes wish I would not have put my kids and myself through so much before I left, but I can't change that now. Now I just want to do the best I can with what I have and give my kids the best chance at happy and healthy. We just do our best right?

[heartandwhole]

We just do our best right?

We do, Jbird, and it sounds like your best is pretty darn great  Thank you for sharing your experiences post divorce. I was not married to pwBPD, but I can relate to some of your journey. I admire you for going back to school and having the courage to start over without your partner. That is one of the most difficult choices any of us have to make.

What helped you the most during the dark days after your breakup, Jbird?

heartandwhole

[bengaltropicat]

Congratulations, Jbird.
I'm nearly 6 years out of a 28 year marriage to a BPD with three children and can appreciate what you have been through. My journey has been similar.  There are always struggles and storms in life, with or without a BPD.  The difference is that without the BPD, it is all manageable. 

You are a great role model to your children and it sounds like there is happiness in your life apart from the challenges which, inevitably make us stronger in the end.

The forums are a great help and people who land here need to know that the pain and sadness will pass and there is light at the other side of the tunnel.    While we may be sad for the BPD there is no good reason to sacrifice our lives on the alter of sympathy.  My ex has been in a downward spiral since the split. Evan if you try to save the other, a drowning person can bring you below the surface too and once I realized it was not going to change or get better or anything like that, I was unwilling to continue following him down the drain. 

To all of you going through this now, know that there is a better life when you get through the FOG, the pain and the sadness. We are each responsible for the life we choose.