Going through breakup with BPD waif. Need Advice

[Whiskyguy]

Background: I was with my ex gf for about a year and we have been broken up for 2 months now.  During the relationship she displayed aspects of a BPD waif. I started to feel the stress of having a partner exhibiting certain behaviors associated with it. I became a little distant because my needs were never important, I was always sacrificing things and I felt a lack of a real emotional connection. I still loved this woman though and didn't want to give up that it would get better.  I didn't know about BPD or NPD until I was looking for answers for her behavior pre and post breakup. Im sparring a lot of the details but the website www.gettinbetter.com/waif.html has a great article on the Borderline waif. Every aspect of the article is exactly what our relationship was like and how the breakup has been.

The breakup: We had one fight over something trivial, at least I thought. I stated I was unhappy and we needed to talk about things.  I think I triggered either her abandonement issue or that she avoids conflict at any cost.  She left me the next day. It was the day before her birthday and Valentine's Day. Didn't tell me why and refused to see me.  She then unfriended me on all social media. She showed zero emotion the whole time. She would see me occasionally or text me just to see me in pain, tell me it was all my fault and projected on me that I was a bad communicator during the relationship. I kept trying to get through to her but she would not talk about any of it.

She would keep communication open but talk about anything except the relationship.  She would accept gifts or items but ignore the gesture it was meant to display.  She treated me like I was a stranger and I never existed the entire time during this.  When I tried to get closure she would ignore me completely. I would ask her straight up if we were really done and I wouldnt get a response. She would sometimes say well, we are broken up what more do you need. Silent treatment and stone walled all the way. 

I may have made mistakes during the breakup by saying things that I think further triggered her abandonment issues during the breakup. When I finally give up trying and contacting her, she contacts me within a week with something trivial to pull me back.

I think I found this site a little late but I'm hoping for some advice. I think I have a bit of a savior complex, which is why I am having trouble just walking away from her.

My questions:
-Did I do everything wrong during the breakup? Pushing her to talk about emotions, trying to hard and saying I was moving on with my life to her which probably only pushed her further away.

-Am I reading too much into all this and just need to accept it and move on?

-I'm trying to do no contact but I really love her and want her back.  How should I respond when/if she reaches out? What's the right way to do no contact for her to feel safe?

-Do I need to just give up and see if she comes back?

-Any addiontal thoughts or input from others that have been through this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Whiskyguy]

My bad. I think I posted on the wrong board. How do I move post to the conflicted or deciding?

[once removed]

hi, Whiskyguy, and

it sounds like you want to revive the relationship, do i have that right?

[Whiskyguy]

Yes, I do. I have tried everything. It seems the more loving or understanding I try to be to her the crueler she gets. As soon as I stop trying or say I'm moving on, she will give a hint I have a chance and then when I act on it she starts the cycle again. What is going on?

[once removed]

What is going on?

when our relationships have broken down, a lot of what we tend to do, with good intentions, makes things worse, and we get very confused.

that doesnt mean you did or are doing everything wrong. most of what youll learn about the disorder and tools for yourself (to the right of the screen) do not come naturally at all, but with a little practice we can get there.

"no contact" as a method, is not an ideal method to be used for trying to rekindle a relationship. it is, however a healthy idea to give space when need be, and it sounds like right now it would likely go better for you if she contacted you first.

how does she usually sound when she reaches out? what are some examples of what she says?

[Whiskyguy]

You are right about all that. I know no contact is the right thing to do for myself to move on and heal.  This site has really helped a lot. It is so hard to go no contact when you care about them. I feel like im learning more and As you will see below. I need help with how to respond when she gives a sign she is warming up... .or to know when to just stop it all.

how does she usually sound when she reaches out? what are some examples of what she says?
 Ok, this last time was really confusing.  Two weeks ago we were texting and I gave what I thought was closure.  I said "I don't want to do this anymore. You know how I feel about you but I need to say goodbye to you if you are not willing to try to fix this.  We should stop talking for awhile until I feel I'm in a good place."  No response from her.  Then a couple days later  she sends me a flirty text, asking about my new job and telling me about work she is doing. Even complemented me. I respond cordially but with no questions  or need for a response from her. She responded Right away. Again flirty and complimenting me. I  thought this meant we could actually  talk  so I asked her... .and right back where I started. She asked me what we possibly had to talk about and then ignored my responses.

[once removed]

it sounds like shes not willing to discuss the relationship. pressing her further on that will likely only make matters worse.

it also sounds like she is open to contact, but wants to keep it light and friendly. how do you feel about that?

[Whiskyguy]

(it sounds like shes not willing to discuss the relationship. pressing her further on that will likely only make matters worse.)
100% agree with this. It's as if she has blocked all of the relationship out of her mind... What is the best way I can give her space while being supportive for her to talk when she is ready? Should I just never bring it up again?

(it also sounds like she is open to contact, but wants to keep it light and friendly. how do you feel about that?) Yes, she has shown she is open to contact on her terms.  Should I just be open when she reaches out but not expect anything more? Is that correct?


I wish I would have came on this site sooner. Thank you. It really helps to talk about it.

[once removed]

Should I just never bring it up again?

what is it youd like to say to her, or have her say to you? it tends to work best to consider the previous relationship dead (in a sense) and a future relationship as a new relationship, with a different plan.

Yes, she has shown she is open to contact on her terms.  Should I just be open when she reaches out but not expect anything more? Is that correct?

i think the idea is to get to a place of stability and stop the bleeding, so to speak. right now it tends to go badly when the two of you speak. thats not a basis to slowly form a relationship.

I wish I would have came on this site sooner. Thank you. It really helps to talk about it.

it does help to talk, and we are here to support you. have you started working the tools and lessons to the right ----->

[Whiskyguy]

I guess the hardest part of it all was someone who meant so much to me making me feel like I didn't matter at all to them. The way i was just discarded  hurt. It's as if  things were  done or said to me  to show me how little I meant to her. It made me question everything I thought we had and it  really hurt.  I just wanted her to acknowledge me and let me know that  I mattered. Not to mention I was blindsided by the breakup.  In other relationships that ended I had periods were it started breaking down and then things would end. This one was just so sudden and as if a switch was flicked by one agruement. Which is why I kept trying to talk about it. I couldn't believe in my head that somebody I loved and talked about a future with could just leave me so easily.

You know, I think now after talking about it. Maybe In my hurt I was not seeing that her attempts to maintain contact was her showing that she cared. Wow, the woman's mind is a complicated machine. LOL. Your thoughts?

I will definitely check  out the tools as well.

[once removed]

i can imagine the manner of the breakup was really very hurtful and i can understand why.

i would recommend that you fully come to terms with that pain, and grieve it, before pursuing a relationship. why?

1. i think its a good idea to make sure youre not seeking a relationship with her as a way to reverse that pain. its not a good foundation for a relationship, and its likely to result in more pain for you.

2. shes not in a position, and may not be capable of (or willing) to make amends for what happened.