I'm just tired and worn out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Allienoah, just wanted to say kudos to you!  WONDERFUL that you stood your ground and respectfully and calmly set and maintained boundaries.  I'm impressed and a little awed!  The fact that it didn't freak you out when it had the expect effect on him is also a great sign of your ability to handle this person's instability….good for you!

[chillamom]

Allienoah, just wanted to say kudos to you!  WONDERFUL that you stood your ground and respectfully and calmly set and maintained boundaries.  I'm impressed and a little awed!  The fact that it didn't freak you out when it had the expect effect on him is also a great sign of your ability to handle this person's instability….good for you!

[allienoah]

Thanks chillamom! I did stay calm and just counted the minutes till we got home. He took my stuff out of his car, gave a cold kiss and said "see ya." It's been quiet ever since. I am honestly feeling a little relief mixed in with sadness over this. The GOP side of that is the anger and hurt from his words. But he crossed a line and needs to know I'm enforcing it. Now it's just time to get some rest and start anew tomorrow ... .
I am so grateful that this support is here for me! 

[formflier]

Allienoah,

If "crossing a line" works for you with regards to boundary enforcement... .good... .keep using it.

I've found "banging themselves into the wall around my property" to be most helpful for me.  I imagine that I have a wall (think castle wall) and that my pwBPD from time to time "assaults" that wall by crashing into it, with associated wailing and gnashing of teeth that they have found a wall.

Well... .I'm sitting inside my castle enjoying life and there is a clamor outside my castle.  Sure... .it can be bothersome and from time to time I will "walk the wall" to make sure there are no cracks.  Most of my time is spent enjoying my life inside my castle. 

When there is an assault... .I think about Monty Python and the search for the Holy Grail.

https://youtu.be/A8yjNbcKkNY

I certainly don't advocate throwing cats at a pwBPD that is dysregulated and assaulting your castle... .but I have taunted them a second... .third... .and sometimes forth time. 

The key is to not open the door.

Seriously though... .crossing the line would imply they are on your property and "need to be thrown off"... .that seems like a lot of work to me.

Letting them bang into my castle wall seems like work for them and a "get the popcorn" moment for me.

Thoughts?

Seriously... .next time he starts trying to be a parent to your son I want you to say... in an outrageous french accent.

"He's already got a parent... .and she's very nice.  Now go away before I taunt you a second time."

Then hush... .

 
FF

[allienoah]

FF you are too funny! Yes the castle walls are certainly up and fortified!

A huge step I made this AM -it won't sound like that big a deal to some, but for ME it is big-I got up, ready for work, and drove to work WITHOUT picking up the phone to see if he has calmed down. I guess my "mom claws" are out -he doesn't get to insult my son or me the way he was.
As I always thought he was my "partner" I would vent about my kids. I had stopped doing that but the damage is done. BF feels he has carte blanche to say what he thinks about them. No bueno!
Right now I am examining my behavior in this situation. I understand he feels disrespected, as he did bust his butt to clean the basement out. I have acknowledged, thanked and respected him for this. I believe right now he -and his expectation of eventually moving in with me- is shaky at the moment. I KNOW he feels insecure now that my son is home, looking for a job and to move out. So in bf's eyes, my son is getting comfortable and might not leave. However, while acknowledging he feels this way, I also have the right to allow my son the room to live while home. I have to tell you the rage yesterday went on to ridiculous accusations. He accused me of having my head in the sand, that my son set up the basement so he could do drugs down there, NOT TRUE-and that I am allowing my home to be turned into "white trash"-I am being played, my son "rules the roost" and all sorts of hateful stuff. I am going on and on I know but I need to vent and there is not one person left in my life who will even listen anymore.

So-having gotten that out- I don't understand why I am actually questioning whether or not I did something wrong. I honestly don't feel like I was disrespecting bf, nor was my son-he doesn't know bf cleaned out the room. And I do think that having a place to go with his friends is important for this transitional time of his life. I am also fine with a bunch of legal young men having a few beers while watching the game in my basement-it keeps my living room clean!
I just need to keep myself from the self-doubt bf instills in me with his anger.

[formflier]

I don't understand why I am actually questioning whether or not I did something wrong. 

Let me take an educated guess... .

You are "done" with your old ways... .old patterns and have set off on a new an untrodden path.  There aren't many signs on that path to help you out... .and since you haven't been down that path before, it only natural to wonder if you are still "going the right way".

You are asking the questions and venting in the right place... .  It is also helpful for us to see your "vents"... .because it gives us a sense of where your head is.

You are on the right path... .... .don't look back.

A helpful question, for whenever you choose to spend time thinking about your r/s and critiquing yourself is... ."Why do I know so much about the hateful things he says to me?"

Even more important... ."What can I do more of... .that will let me know less of... .the unkind thoughts that .he sometimes has about me"

FF
 

[allienoah]

Why do I know so much about the hateful things he says to me?"

Even more important... ."What can I do more of... .that will let me know less of... .the unkind thoughts that .he sometimes has about me"


I'm not sure I know what you mean FF. Is it that I am questioning myself, and thinking that there is a grain of truth to what he says? And that I should focus on all that is good about myself to combat the insults he throws my way?

I absolutely can not look back. As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I had communicated clearly that I no longer was going to tolerate these rages, name-calling etc. I just need help with not taking everything he said to heart, and remembering that even if there is a grain of truth and he is angry, the manner in which he expresses himself is unacceptable and abusive.

It's funny that when he was raging, he was lamenting that he didn't spend my birthday, Valentine's Day or Easter together-forgetting that he went on raging rampages just before all of those days. The accusation that I didn't have a special 50th birthday for him is ludicrous as he was always breaking up with me.
I guess what I am trying to fathom is: Does he really think his behavior exists in a vacuum? That no consequences are to be had from this behavior?
To tie that in to what you have said-I know deep down the reasons for all of the "injustices" I have imposed upon him. So I would need to focus on my own goodness and less of the blather that he accuses me of...

[formflier]

I'll rephrase the question...

Why listen to any of this anymore?

You have lots of detail about what he thinks, because you stick around an listen to blather.

"Oh my ... .you want to emotionally vomit at the mouth in my presence, we can stay together and speak respectfully or I'll leave the conversation."

In other words... .in the future... .my hope is that you know about 1 minute worth of his blather... .because you've removed yourself from that or he has stopped after being reminded... .

What are your thoughts on this?

FF

[allienoah]

oh ok --now I get it. I shouldn't stick around to listen to it.
Well yesterday I was trapped in the car until we reached my house, so I had no choice. Neither did anyone driving next to us! 
Going forward though, if there is going forward, I need to get away much quicker. You're right, if I don't hear it, it can't hurt me.
I honestly need a breather from all of this. I have to laugh to myself, as I am sure right now he thinks he is "punishing" me for having requested he respect my decision.

[formflier]

Well yesterday I was trapped in the car until we reached my house, so I had no choice. Neither did anyone driving next to us! 
 

When it comes to protecting yourself from rage... .and "communicating" that you are serious about it asking to be let out and calling a cab is 100% appropriate.

I'm not sure of the legal ramifications of asking someone to be let out... .and them telling you no... .basically... .keeping you in the car against your will... .but... .only you know what exactly you said to get out or have him stop.

Our situations are a bit reversed in that I usually drive.  I've pulled over and gotten out several times.  I've pulled over with kids in the back and forced a choice... .either hush and we continue the trip... .or I'm taking everyone back home.  We continued the trip... and to her credit she hushed.  Kids crying... all that.

But... .back to my big point... .walk away... .

I'll tell you a funny story about when I "boundaried" my Mom.  Details don't matter, other than to say my Mom rarely... .rarely cusses and gets upset.  On this day she had a legitimate reason (not me) and when she raised her voice and said a cuss word I said something like "I'm not going to be able to talk about this... ." and walked away.

Totally on autopilot

I reflected on this with my Psychologist and... oddly enough she sort of said I was doing boundaries too well.  I needed to stay present more... .learn to not take this personally... .work validation more... etc etc.

I had basically gotten to the point of anger plus cuss words equals FF exit... .automatically.

My hope for you is that you get to the point where I and many others on her are saying... ."Hey... .instead of walking away from him... perhaps try to validate... .perhaps try to listen and not take it personally... .etc etc.

Maybe you can use a new line... ."I'm your girlfriend... not your therapist.  Take those extreme feelings up with a therapist"  No jade... .say it... do it.

Remember... .castle wall... .every once in a while you peek over and see what all the commotion is. 

FF

[allienoah]

What a story! I too hope to get to the point where I'm not taking it all so personally. For now I will "enjoy the silence" and regroup. I'm trying to formulate my reply when he inevitably calls and asks what I plan to do to "fix" this. That's usually his MO. I know right now he thinks he's punishing me. Truth be told I can't fix it. I asked for respect for my change of heart and to let ME parent my son. I'm not going back on that. As you said yesterday, if he can't do that, he's free to leave. Looks like that's his choice right now. I just need to stay strong.

[Jim579]

Hi Allienoah,

Your recent post reminded me about something with my partner, around holidays. 

But first, Formflier, I need to acknowledge how much I love this:

Stop "fixing" or "helping" his feelings.

Example:

"Blah blah blah... .there is ketchup on the counter... .blah blah blah... ."

"I'm glad you noticed, it would mean a lot to me if you wipe it up"

"blah blah blah I work all day and you can't wipe up ketchup... .blah blah blah"

"Oh my goodness, you sound upset.  Do I have that right?"

"blah blah blah I wouldn't be upset if you could wipe up ketchup and you never have relish in the fridge, even though you know I relish relish.  Why do you treat me this way, especially after all I do for you, my friends wife wipes up ketchup her her house... .he never has a dirty countertop and he has all the onions he wants... .you never give me onions because you hate me"

(stay friendly)

"It seems you have had quite a day.  I'll get back together with you in 15 minutes after things have calmed" (never say you)  I'm going to clear my head a bit"

As much as this makes me laugh (esp. "you know I relish relish", I think there's a really smart distancing tactic here.  Putting oneself into a mode where you *expect* to hear absurd blather makes it easier to let all of it bounce off, without inflicting damage.

My partner has unfortunately developed a tendency to see bugs in everything.  We live in a wooded area, so there are of course a number of insects that live here, too. But the bugs are so tiny, apparently, that only she can see them--or identify them as insects.  Cleaning up this area or that rarely changes anything; recognition of her authority is what she wants.

It was quite some time before I learned how to acknowledge that I was hearing her, without getting swept up into agreeing or arguing (which wasn't easy, as she frequently asks if I believe her).  Since can even turn into a barrage of insults about my general knowledge regarding science, my stubbornness, my arrogance, etc., I wish I'd discovered my "interpreter blah-blah headphones" sooner!

Regarding holidays,

It's funny that when he was raging, he was lamenting that he didn't spend my birthday, Valentine's Day or Easter together-forgetting that he went on raging rampages just before all of those days. The accusation that I didn't have a special 50th birthday for him is ludicrous as he was always breaking up with me.

I guess what I am trying to fathom is: Does he really think his behavior exists in a vacuum? That no consequences are to be had from this behavior?

Allienoah, I've had this same situation thrown at me.  Once, I decorated the tree by myself, because she'd thrown a box of ornaments across the room, shouting that she hated Christmas.  Or outrage appears out of nowhere, a few hours before we're due to depart for the annual family picnic, or 7pm-ish on New Year's Eve.  It can be very hard, if not impossible, to keep smiling and humming, so that the holiday can continue in some fashion, once the storm has passed.

It's taxing, isn't it?  I may be close to a decision.  I hope you've been able to gain some quiet time, as a result of the boundaries you've been setting.

[allienoah]

You know, tonight I decided that instead of sitting home ruminating, I went to see a friend who had relocated out of state. I've been friends with her for years and she's heard every story about my bf and me. It was so refreshing to be in the city away from the madness ... I didn't reach out... I didn't wish he was there. I enjoyed my peace. It's all one day at a time isn't it? Part of me wished he knew I was living life, but I am keeping this to myself as he would only devalue it anyway. You know what? I got through today with all of your help... and I am grateful.

[allienoah]

So after making it to work without caving in, I am starting to feel apprehensive now about our NC. I am still hurt and angry about the way he treated me on Sunday (and many other occasions). I know it is best for me if I just "sit". I really don't want the conflict.
I am sad. The urge to reach out and just try to validate what he felt, while letting him know his behavior was unacceptable is really bothering me. My inner voice keeps saying DO NOT REACH OUT. I guess it is also pride that is keeping me from caving. I also think it is a growing sense of self-respect-how dare he treat me like that? So as you can see, I am all over the place.
Realistically my life would be ever so much more simple and calm without him in it. The key is for me to stop ruminating. How does one do that?

[Gumiho]

Hi allienoah~

... .The key is for me to stop ruminating. How does one do that?

A little bit of ruminating will always come along I guess. The key is to keep yourself busy with whatever you can find. It will disperse quite some of the ruminating. I guess everybody has their own ways to cope with NC periods ^^
Like for me, when ruminating is that severe I barely can concentrate, focusing on a book, learn some language (learning Korean D:), is hardly an option to me, of course I'm referring to the off-work time (when the pestering ruminations start). Sometimes, if the walls at home start to close on in, I'd just go wander around outside, browse bpdfamily, play cellphone games or chat with friends online, there are millions of possibilities to create "me"-time. I'm sure you have plenty of your own ways too.

[allienoah]

I do have many things that keep me occupied. And I am so glad I was able to let myself go to meet my friend last night. In the past I would've been so upset over my bf that I would've stayed home and wallowed. I have not spoken of what transpired to anyone. I will get no support whatsoever. My friends all support me yet feel I should not be with him. My family will do cartwheels to know we are not speaking. So I have been silent for the past 2 days. I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but I still just don't feel right. It's like I am caught in this tornado of "I'm better off and calmer now" to " should we discuss the matter again and see if we can come up with a solution". My logical mind tells me that there is no changing the way he feels (disrespected, disappointed, hurt) and at the same time I MUST stay firm on the boundary that he is not permitted to speak to me as he has.

[chillamom]

Hi, Allienoah, From my perspective, what you're feeling today seems pretty understandable - literally EVERY time I have tried to enforce NC or even LC these thoughts have plagued me as well, leading of course to endless recycles like the one I am in now AND leading to even more misery, because nothing ever changed and I am convinced nothing ever will.  I don't know what to say about the rumination, the "keep busy" stuff that others have noted here and in other posts is pretty much what I think as well….I am torn between trying to distract myself when these inevitable rumination arise or, alternatively, sink into them and let the feelings wash over me, as many on here have also suggested.

Ironically, I'm a psychologist and have ALSO been seeing a T for the past 8 YEARS to untangle the damage  I have allowed my relationship and FOO to inflict on me, so I'm a lousy example of ANY advice.  One thing my T told me that maybe you might find helpful is to set aside a specific time of day for rumination.  Obviously, you can't do it at work, , but take 15 minutes or so when you get home to deliberately sit down and obsess away.  When thoughts arise during your "non rumination" time jot them down quickly and then remind yourself to come back to them at 5:30 or whatever.  The idea is that in relatively short order, you will get bored with the whole rumination thing and will break the "groove" in your brain that causes them to become so powerful.

IDK, just a thought.  I think everyone has to find their own techniques to get out of the labyrinth.  And honestly, you KNOW he will be contacting you again….maybe thinking about the best way to handle that inevitability is something you might focus on during "rumination time."

And yes, I know you miss him and that hurts like hell, probably even more so because you know you "shouldn't" given his abusive tirades.

I know that both of us are in somewhat similar situations….I guess the question we really need to ask ourselves is WHEN the hell is enough enough?  My 9 YEAR ANNIVERSARY with my person is coming up nest week, and if I parse out the "good times" it was probably 10% of the total….but here I stay, and here I come back to.  And I hate myself because of it, probably the worst thing about it is losing my sense of "self" and my joie de vivre completely.   If that's happening to you too, and I suspect it might be, we really have to seriously "ruminate" over how we can permanently make a change, because they will keep us in this back and forth nightmare in perpetuity.  I've lost nearly a decade of my life in this damn FOG.

[allienoah]

Hi chillamom, so great to hear from you! Correct in saying that nothing will change. It only gets worse. As I sat here thinking about the vocal tirades, I noticed that it used to be just between myself and bf. Now he doesn't care where he rages and as I have noted here a few times, he will do it in public. I honestly feel that sometimes people in the places we frequent get uncomfortable around us when he starts in. I am mortified to think that I am the focus of their pitying looks and whispered conversations.
You are not a lousy source of advice. You are living it too, and that gives you perspective. I always say that I am so good at helping other people live their lives, and yet mine gets messy so easily. If I were to read all of my posts as a stranger, I would be telling me to get over it and move on. Not so easy when it is my heart on the line.
I like the idea of setting aside time for rumination. I just feel like my brain is on overload and these thoughts just pop in. I actually sat down and wrote out a long list of all the times that easily come to mind that bf has raged, disrespected, and acted inappropriately. I just kept reading it to remind my brain that I have been subjected to verbal abuse for some time now.
And you are right, it does hurt like hell, and I know rationally I should be more hurt by the treatment I have endured.
Honestly, I do think he will reach out. and honestly I am scared to death of that too. Part of me thinks that this is my opportunity to put this to rest once and for all. That my family will freak out if they knew I had a foot out the door and went back for more. And yes I know full well that I shouldn't base my love-life on what others think.
Geez my head is spinning!

[Gumiho]

... .or, alternatively, sink into them and let the feelings wash over me, as many on here have also suggested.

I agree with letting them wash over, then however, get them to a healthy level to form conclusions you can stick to.

... .That my family will freak out if they knew I had a foot out the door and went back for more. And yes I know full well that I shouldn't base my love-life on what others think.
Geez my head is spinning!

Welcome to the club. Everytime I told my family about me going back I was told I was better off without her  ... all my friends say "you're too nice" & "you're way too loyal"... all of them! And I keep walking back in. You are right, we should not base our love-life on what others think, but certainly should take peoples opinions into account. Like that we can form our own decisions. Like how often have I whined to a friend about the cruelties my gf puked out, she must think I'm insane . Yet she can relate if I explain, and give valuable advice, without that I certainly would have ended up in a madhouse. And then there is bpdfamily. It was like the missing piece of the puzzle, I think.

By the way my SO started to drag her vocal escapades into public too, long ago, which ranges from shrieking like a banshee (smashing our anniversary earrings on the floor in front of me) to physically (trying) to assault me in a years end full shopping center (I got slapped )... .where everybody could watch us. (Thank god Seoul is a giant city)
I learnt not to care about it, may people think or say what they want, like hell I even take it into account if it's constructive.

Stay strong   

[allienoah]

Letting the ruminations come and go definitely takes practice! I did find it helpful today to remember every time he humiliated me in public, and I read the list I made of his most outrageous tantrums. This gets me to a place where honestly I don't know if I ever want to see him again.
He truly believes that he still has every right to expect that I will make my son get his stuff out of the basement. I believe that is the wrong thing to do. I think my S needs a place to watch tv with his friends, and hang out when the weather is bad. He is 22 for heaven's sake. And his small bedroom isn't the place for 4 friends to hang. Honestly why am I even explaining this?

As far as other people's opinions, it is bothersome when everyone feels I should walk away from this. They don't get the mental condition. They just see him as excessively needy, manipulative and controlling. And they don't like seeing me as a nervous wreck about setting him off. I know they love me and are protective of me. My r/s has strained so many of these other r/s.

As I have said many times, thank goodness for this forum where people actually understand what is going on.

[flourdust]

Letting the ruminations come and go definitely takes practice! I did find it helpful today to remember every time he humiliated me in public, and I read the list I made of his most outrageous tantrums. This gets me to a place where honestly I don't know if I ever want to see him again.

It takes time! If you're like me, you find yourself repressing the negative memories and starting to imagine more positive scenarios the more time you spend apart. Having that journal at hand is a sharp reminder of what the reality of the experience is.

He truly believes that he still has every right to expect that I will make my son get his stuff out of the basement. I believe that is the wrong thing to do. I think my S needs a place to watch tv with his friends, and hang out when the weather is bad. He is 22 for heaven's sake. And his small bedroom isn't the place for 4 friends to hang. Honestly why am I even explaining this?

Why indeed! Your son, your place, your rules. That's self-evident.

As far as other people's opinions, it is bothersome when everyone feels I should walk away from this. They don't get the mental condition. They just see him as excessively needy, manipulative and controlling. And they don't like seeing me as a nervous wreck about setting him off.

Hmm. It sure sounds like your friends/family "get it." We often think that our pwBPD are masters at charming everyone else, and nobody will believe our experience. That's often not true at all.

[Jim579]

As far as other people's opinions, it is bothersome when everyone feels I should walk away from this. They don't get the mental condition. They just see him as excessively needy, manipulative and controlling. And they don't like seeing me as a nervous wreck about setting him off. I know they love me and are protective of me. My r/s has strained so many of these other r/s.

I don't know if this will help at all, but I've been stuck in two versions of the Friends/Family Conundrum.

A very close friend, who probably knows me the best, broached the topic of leaving the r/s almost 3 years ago, when I told him about some of the intense exchanges that had become almost daily.  My first (internal) reaction was, "Well, you've never met her.  You just have heard a few details that you dislike--you don't know any of the decent experiences that have caused me to stay.  You're not being fair to her."

On the other hand, a work friend who does know her a little bit, said (when I mentioned some thoughts about leaving), "This would be a good change for you.  I've thought that for a couple of years now."  My first (internal) reaction to that was, "Well, you've just made assumptions, based on a scowl on my face, or something else, that might've been caused by something else entirely!"

It may simply be that I'm a hardhead and have viewed these remarks as statements about me (I'm too stupid to know what makes me happy; I'm a pushover and have let myself be bullied around, etc.).

Somehow, in the last month or so, that resistance has faded a bit.  Something a friend said--about me never seeming to enjoy anything anymore--hit home.  For me, I think I realized that my friends were truly reacting to my manner, my external bearing, and that was enough for them to be concerned--let alone speculate. 

As the feeling of More Bad Days, Than Good, has increased on its own, my friends' remarks still feel a bit intrusive, but more sincere and less presumptuous/ignorant.  They don't have to know all the details, to see that I feel rotten and exhausted most of the time.

All the best,
Jim579

[chillamom]

allienoah,
I get what you mean when you say friends "don't understand the mental condition".  But honestly, and I've said this to myself over and over…even if we understand that the person is indeed "sick", does that necessarily mean that we should sacrifice our own well-being to a manipulative and abusive person?  Like you, I go back and forth with this kind of rumination all the time…it's not his fault, his parents probably did this to him (and yeah, they're both "interesting" characters), I'm all he has….but at some point we have to consider our own well being as just as important or even slightly more important than theirs (the 51% rule, I think?).

And from my perspective, I have seen my diagnosed NPD/BPD guy turn on the charm and act COMPLETELY FINE when in the middle of what I experienced as a severe rage or even a complete dissociative episode…so you know what?  I'm starting to believe that he can control it a whole lot more than I ever really understood, and that makes his bad behavior seems a lot more volitional - not to mention he has admitted that many times he says things just to get me angry and "push my buttons". What normal, loving human being does that on a constant basis, if at all?

Now let me tell you all something really embarrassing…... one of my twins has a summer job that will involve her driving home from work around 45 minutes at around midnight every night.  Being a mom, I want to make sure she's driving ok and know where she is.  She installed a "location finder" app on my phone so that I could track her, which I thought was nice of her and I appreciated her indulging my anxiety.  HOWEVER, she can also track me, because that's how it works…long story short, I lied to my kids Sunday about going out with a friend when I was really seeing "Voldemort" (that's what my kids call him, so let's go with it).  I KNEW they would kill me if they knew I was with him, much like your children….well, my daughter saw where I was on the location finder and she called me out on it.  Fortunately, she is the most "chill" of my 3 and we just talked about it when I got home, but as she said, she could smell "B.S." a mile away anyhow….

And of course, he wants to see me again tomorrow and also Saturday, but it turns out my kids are going to be home (he lives with his PARENTS and doesn't have his own place at 31) so how the hell am I going to see him?  I am NOT going to lie again.  Now I have to reestablish trust with my daughter, and I am going to.  What that means is that he and I will probably have another showdown, and the recycle will end as a result.   

I am sick of being caught in this tangled web of my own making…and by the way the last time I saw him what did I get for lying to my daughter?  An evening spent trapped in my car while he raged at me and screamed to STFU because of something I don't even remember.

I'm embarrassed to admit all this. I can't see him without some kind of cover story.  And I don't EVEN WANT to see him.  I'm just afraid to leave because I know the storm of misery that will follow if I'm not strong enough to go NC this time.  Thanks for letting me vent.

I relate so well to you feelings of being a nervous wreck about setting him off.  What the hell kind of relationship is that, am I right, if we can't even feel a basic level of comfort and security with the person?  We both have a great opportunity here to get this done and over with, and get to know ourselves and some sanity again!

[allienoah]

Chillamom it is right on when you say we don't have to be treated badly. I had told my bf that he could try to find ways to self soothe when he felt himself going off the rails. I clearly stated I wasn't tolerating that anymore. Well of course it's my fault that he took it so far -- he always takes it too far. I'm not owning the blame for poor behavior. I feel totally done with that. Like I named this thread... I'm worn out and exhausted.
Please don't be embarrassed. We have all done things to protect our selves, our kids and our partners. It's not pretty at times. Once I ran out of a restaurant on New Year's Eve cos I didn't want my daughters friend who happened to be there to tell my daughter I was with bf. Honestly?

It's funny cos my bf was in dbt with his family and learned mindfulness and skills. Trouble was he didn't use the tools with ME! I was very resentful. It's very hurtful to know when they are turning it on and off. My bf turns it off with friends.
Jim579 it is truly unnerving when individuals comment on your r:s and deep down you know there's truth to what they are saying. It also is uncomfortable when you make plans with them and they really don't want to see your bf/gf and let you know that they will be polite but aren't thrilled.

[Lollypop]

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