Is it BPD or did I really push him away

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My husband after 19 years has moved out and is seeing someone.  He blames me and says that I wasn't emotionally there for him for 5 years and then for the last 2 years he has wanted out.  Over the last 2  years he has raged at me and in those rages told me he didn't love me and he wanted out but then he would apologize.  I took the rages as just part of what I had seen out of him for years.  He would lie about everything and when I would catch him, he would yell and scream and then blame me.  He has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but several of my counselors over the years have thought he was.  He was diagnosed with Bi-Polar but decided he didn't have it. 

The thing that confuses me the most was he never exhibited jealousy towards other men but I do see now that he was jealous of my friendships so he would guilt me into not going out.  He never exhibited the desperate fear of abandonment because he always ended relationships firsts.  Friends, family, co workers even jobs and churches.  He always claimed they did something to him that was just unforgivable.  I always thought the "wrongs" weren't that bad but then he would rage on me for not supporting me.

Now he has the other woman.  He told me the affair was over but he moved to the same apartment complex and through social media, friends are saying she is saying she is in love.  He is angry that I told anyone he was cheating and told me to leave her out of it.  He told me that the night I found out.  As his wife of 19 years was getting confirmation that he had cheated, he was at her house more worried about her than me. He hasn't gone so far as to tell me he wants to reconcile but he has asked to wait for me to file for divorce and we have been in counseling to learn to coparent and see if there is anything left.

So what happened?  Did he just stick around until he found someone else or because he felt I wasn't there for him he got caught up in the newness of a woman that thinks everything he does is wonderful.  I am watching their "courtship" and it is exactly how we were 19 years ago.  I have 2 children with him and I can't detach from him.  But somehow he can detach from me.  He says is anger towards me so bad he can't see a future for us.  One minute he talks in finality even telling my son for several years that he is going to divorce me but then asking  me not to file.  He doesn't even seem sad that our marriage of 19 years is ending.  I don't understand his need to lie to me about the affair either.  I told him I would rather know then find out another way.  He swore it was over and that he didn't know what he felt about anyone.

I lay awake at night imagining that they are together and holding each other and having this wonderful time while I sleep alone.  I cry all the time.  I don't know if this part of the BPD or if I really did screw things ups so badly by choosing my son's needs over his. 

Help!  I feel like I am going crazy.

[devastatedwife]

My husband after 19 years has moved out and is seeing someone.  He blames me and says that I wasn't emotionally there for him for 5 years and then for the last 2 years he has wanted out.  Over the last 2  years he has raged at me and in those rages told me he didn't love me and he wanted out but then he would apologize.  I took the rages as just part of what I had seen out of him for years.  He would lie about everything and when I would catch him, he would yell and scream and then blame me.  He has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but several of my counselors over the years have thought he was.  He was diagnosed with Bi-Polar but decided he didn't have it. 

The thing that confuses me the most was he never exhibited jealousy towards other men but I do see now that he was jealous of my friendships so he would guilt me into not going out.  He never exhibited the desperate fear of abandonment because he always ended relationships firsts.  Friends, family, co workers even jobs and churches.  He always claimed they did something to him that was just unforgivable.  I always thought the "wrongs" weren't that bad but then he would rage on me for not supporting me.

Now he has the other woman.  He told me the affair was over but he moved to the same apartment complex and through social media, friends are saying she is saying she is in love.  He is angry that I told anyone he was cheating and told me to leave her out of it.  He told me that the night I found out.  As his wife of 19 years was getting confirmation that he had cheated, he was at her house more worried about her than me. He hasn't gone so far as to tell me he wants to reconcile but he has asked to wait for me to file for divorce and we have been in counseling to learn to coparent and see if there is anything left.

So what happened?  Did he just stick around until he found someone else or because he felt I wasn't there for him he got caught up in the newness of a woman that thinks everything he does is wonderful.  I am watching their "courtship" and it is exactly how we were 19 years ago.  I have 2 children with him and I can't detach from him.  But somehow he can detach from me.  He says is anger towards me so bad he can't see a future for us.  One minute he talks in finality even telling my son for several years that he is going to divorce me but then asking  me not to file.  He doesn't even seem sad that our marriage of 19 years is ending.  I don't understand his need to lie to me about the affair either.  I told him I would rather know then find out another way.  He swore it was over and that he didn't know what he felt about anyone.

I lay awake at night imagining that they are together and holding each other and having this wonderful time while I sleep alone.  I cry all the time.  I don't know if this part of the BPD or if I really did screw things ups so badly by choosing my son's needs over his. 

Help!  I feel like I am going crazy.

[happendtome]

Hi devastedwife,
You were attached to him 19 years, so it is definetely hard to detach, as this time has made him something very ordinary, like routine tasks we do every day if i can say.
Now, suddenly, that "routine" is gone and its natural to feel lonely, something is missing. But you know what, we have lots of bad habits what will give us temporary satisfaction, but in the longer run are bad for us. He may have been that "bad habit" too. You just dont see that yet. You have to ask from yourself, were you happy together or you think you were.

[steelwork]

Hi devastatedwife,

I understand this issue very well. You're still so deep in the dysfunction of your relationship that you aren't sure whether you really are guilty of the things you've been blamed for. My relationship wasn't nearly as long, and no children were involved, so I can't totally imagine, but I remember feeling the things you wrote about: the guilt about the hurt you might have caused, the devastation at the thought that you lost him because you weren't there for him, the intrusive thoughts about your husband and his new lover, and even the confusion about whether it's over or not.

I don't have an answer, except to suggest that you think about 1. the reasons he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder; 2. the reasons you and your therapists think he might have BPD. Those didn't come out of nowhere. No, it's not all your fault, and I'm guessing that's true by a long shot. It's never all one person's fault. You might indeed have become emotionally distant. Can you reconstruct how that happened? Was it perhaps a way of protecting yourself? Is it possible that his perceptions of being abandoned are magnified by his own issues?

Think about how much of your devastation is fear: fear of being alone, of never finding someone to be with. Those feelings of fear are about you, and I believe you will recover from this if you can look inward.

I have found this workshop incredibly helpful--about 10 beliefs that can keep you stuck and in pain after a breakup:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331264#msg1331264

Please take care.

-steelwork