Well that felt good...

[Lalathegreat]

Was supposed to go to dinner this evening with pwBPD and his son... ."I know that technically you're not his mother but you do so much for him and we want to do something for you... ." (This was arranged before the events of last week that have thrown him into a bit of an emotional tailspin.) I texted this morning to see how he was doing and if he felt well enough to do dinner. (He's been "sick". I never know if he's actually sick or if he's making excuses to push me away and justify leaning on me to take care of his kid.) He told me that he wasn't feeling well and then put it on me - that I should do "what I wanted to do" (visit him or make other plans) but that he didn't want to make me sick, blah blah blah.

AND GUESS WHAT? This is going to sound like the smallest thing ever, but for me it's HUGE! I replied simply "Thank you, I do think it's best this evening if I focus on myself. Let me know how you're doing later."

And then I called a friend who had invited me to coffee this evening and made other plans. And it felt AMAZING!

It wasn't long ago that I would have been overanalyzing this decision. "Is this a test? Does he want me to come over anyways but is forcing me to "choose" that in order to prove something to him? Am I going to be accused of abandoning him if I don't go over? Is he actually trying to give me an "out" because he knows he's in a bad place? I should go over there. Wait, no - I shouldn't. Wait, yeah, I probably should... ."

It's infuriating how many hours I have wasted worrying about that man and his feelings.

And it feels amazing to have let that go today.

[formflier]

Solid work!   

My other comment is that if you have made plans with him... .you've made plans.  Stop asking him if the plans are still made.  He is an adult and if he needs to back out... .he can do that without any prompting from you.

Big picture... .let him run his life (well or badly).  Even when he directly asks for help, I would make sure that "more often than not" the help you offer is on your terms... on your schedule and not at his beck and call. 

Last thought:  I'm an over-thinker and over-analyzer as well.  Be aware that, in all likelihood, when you think you are putting little thought into something, it's probably about right.

Good job...


FF

[Grey Kitty]

I saw this post, and your earlier one describing last night where you took his son to a movie, and were rejected by his being "sick".

Anyhow, I want to suggest that you set aside the (very real and very legitimate) feeling of rejection you have over how he pushed you away with a kinda lame excuse, and think about the situation in a very pragmatic fashion... .

He's upset. He's on edge. It is all the crap inside his mental world, not anything you did. If he DID start talking to you about it, he would probably jump straight into blaming you for his feelings and attacking you for them. Aaaaaaand, this isn't your first rodeo. You know how that goes, and you know that when it happens, the sooner you get out of it, the better off you are!

If he pushes you away with a lame excuse, BEFORE HE BLOWS UP AT YOU, he's just done you a huge favor!

For that matter, sending his son off with you was probably good for his son--his son got to enjoy well behaved non-dysregulating company for the evening too!

I mean, yeah, there are much better, kinder, and more mature ways that somebody with less mental illness than he has could handle the situation. And yeah, it sure would be nice if he was capable of some of them!

Still, remember that the outcome here was a VERY good one, compared to prior patterns. You aren't going 'into the lion's den' tonight knowing deep down in a corner of your soul that its gonna blow up and be awful and hurt. You are making good plans for you instead!

And remember--his crappy mood, his internal weather will pass. Another day he will probably want to be with you, and you will have a good evening with him.


Edit: an almost forgotten postscript--the feeling of rejection is real, and I'm not suggesting you ignore it; If you continue to feel that way regularly and often, you should address the issue. My point was don't let those feelings and doubts keep you from doing what you know is the right thing in the immediate situation!

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you guys! I agree, the outcome of the evening was so much more positive in many ways than if we'd engaged in a combative circular discussion over his emotions. Having said that - at least when he is yelling his feelings at me I have a sense that he is invested and engaged on some level, no matter how dysfunctional. When it's the cold shoulder I am left to wonder - does he not even care? What's his play? Maybe it's a little bit that sense of sticking with "the devil you know"... .for lack of a better analogy.

GK - I think I would have more peace about it if I sensed that he was aware on some level that disengaging was about avoiding an argument for him. If I knew that he was thinking "I know that I can't have this discussion with her right now because I will end up yelling and I don't want to do that... ." I would feel a lot better. As it is, I don't know if it's that or if it's more of a "I'm so done with this relationship but she's good for my kid so as long as she's willing to keep hanging out with him... ." KWIM?

At any rate, I've given myself permission this weekend to focus on myself and what *I* need. Tonight while my kids are gone I will be rekindling a neglected friendship. Tomorrow I get to spend mother's day with my babies. I am going to allow myself to relish these things knowing that pwBPD and all of his crap will still be there on Monday... .
 

[Grey Kitty]

If I knew that he was thinking "I know that I can't have this discussion with her right now because I will end up yelling and I don't want to do that... ." I would feel a lot better. As it is, I don't know if it's that or if it's more of a "I'm so done with this relationship but she's good for my kid so as long as she's willing to keep hanging out with him... ."

Try not to go there. Try not to get too focused on whether he's doing it for a "good reason" that would be respectful and loving or a "bad reason" that would be disrespectful and hurtful.

You really cannot read his mind, so you can never know. At best you can know what he says about it, if he says anything. And even then you don't know that he's telling you the truth. He may not know for himself. Even if he does know, I'm sure his mind and feelings change often!

Focus on the practical result--he's helping you avoid a horrible evening that you really want to avoid--and don't look that gift horse in the mouth! 

If he really is choosing to be 'done' with the relationship long-term, and move on, you will notice soon enough. (More likely if he does choose that, it lasts for an hour, a day or a week, followed by tons of regret, and a new phase of mixed messages to you... .You really don't want to live inside the chaotic mess that is his head!)

[formflier]

  Tonight while my kids are gone I will be rekindling a neglected friendship. Tomorrow I get to spend mother's day with my babies. 

Hey... .still getting to know your story.

Can you tell me more about this?  Your babies. 

Thanks

FF

[Lalathegreat]

Yes FF... .my marriage of 20 years ended last year. No fireworks on that one - we married young and grew apart. It was very amicable. Funny thing - he was also incapable of meeting my emotional needs, but wasn't BPD. He just struggled mightily to connect emotionally and socially. Always wondered if he might be mildly on the autism spectrum.

We have 3 kids who are 20, 18, and 14. My oldest still lives with me but works full time and probably won't much longer. 18 year old graduates this year, and my 14 year old is finishing her freshman year of high school. We have a very fluid custody arrangment because my kids are older, but generally my youngest 2 have been spending 3 nights a week with their Dad who lives right next to their school. (My oldest generally has dinner there those nights but prefers to return to my house for the night because I'm closer to his job.)

I am very proud that I have managed to keep my children almost entirely out of this situation with my pwBPD. And I'm incredibly grateful that because of how amicably we have handled our divorce and coparenting, my kids are doing very well. I'm sure a lot of this also has to do with them being a little older.

I do have some guilt in that I spend so much time mentally and emotionally preoccupied with the circumstances surrounding pwBPD that I wonder if they are getting the "best" me. As much as I attempt to keep everything seperate, I'm sure they sense something is going on. I do not spend physical time with pwBPD except on the days my children are with their Dad - but that doesn't mean I'm not emotionally somehow less available. This has been weighing on my heart a lot lately. It's easy with teenagers to excuse it - "they're teenagers they don't WANT me in their business all the time... ." but in my heart I know that I need to stop spending so much of my emotional bandwidth on pwBPD and his son.

As for friendships, a lot of those fell by the wayside as things with pwBPD got more complicated. Most people have not understood how I could have allowed certain things to happen or why I have stayed as long as I have. I also allowed myself to fall into spending most of my available time with pwBPD and not being more available to my friends. This is another thing that has been bothering me lately that I need to change.

[formflier]

I do have some guilt in that I spend so much time mentally and emotionally preoccupied with the circumstances surrounding pwBPD that I wonder if they are getting the "best" me. 

What is this guilt teaching you... .showing you... .?

What is a healthy way to address this?

FF

[Lalathegreat]

It is becoming more obvious to me that I need to put this relationship into proper perspective so that it doesn't consume so much of me. I've been pouring out my time, my emotional resources, my mental energy... .other people need me too. *I* need me too.

I loved Beaglegirl's analogy of pouring yourself into a bucket that has a leak. That's exactly what it feels like.

[formflier]

This is not to say that you STOP pouring into that bucket.  Figure out how much you can pour... .do that.  Feel good about what you give... .vice what he "keeps" or "how full" his bucket is.

It is good and healthy to give... .we are not responsible for how others receive.

FF

[BeagleGirl]

Lalathegreat,

I wonder if you, like me, measure some aspect of your worth by the level to which those around you are "filled up" by you. 

I'm realizing that I have put too much emphasis on how others feel about me; I'm a good person if my dad is proud of me.  I'm a good person if my husband loves me.  I'm a good person if my friends seek my company.  I'm a good person if my boss thinks I'm a good employee.  I'm a good person if my children are well behaved and successful... .The list of people I can "rely on" for my sense of self worth is endless.  If having any one of them succeed in validating me as a person was enough, it would still be unhealthy but I can take it to another level by doubting my worth if I don't have affirmation from any one of those sources.  That's when I pour myself out until empty, often ignoring the healthy levels of connection and relationship I have in other areas (friends, children, boss).

It sounds like you have a relatively healthy relationship with your ex and children.  Would you say that is a fair assessment?  If so, would it be helpful to do a compare/contrast between those relationships and your relationship with pwBPD?  It might also be helpful to ask yourself what you are looking to your pwBPD to affirm in you that is so valuable that you are willing to trade the chance of receiving that for all the pain that relationship brings. 

BG

[flourdust]

I wonder if you, like me, measure some aspect of your worth by the level to which those around you are "filled up" by you. 

Caretaking can be a healthy part of any relationship ... .up to a point. What I see with you and your boyfriend, LaLathegreat, is that the caretaking has replaced the relationship. Superficially, it resembles a relationship -- you're spending time together. But could you be replaced in your role by a home health aide, maid, babysitter, and/or personal secretary?

[Lalathegreat]

Winner winner chicken dinner! I think both of you hit the nail on the head BG and Flourdust!

I absolutely default easily into the "caregiver" role because I have always recieved so much positive reinforcement from the sense of helping those around me, and also from the praise and respect I recieve when I am able to do so. (Not from the world in general as in: "Oh, what a wonderful and considerate person she is... ." but from the people I'm helping "Aren't you good at, thank you so much... ." And in most of my healthy relationships there is a balance because there is a mutual understanding of that line between giving and being taken advantage of. In most of my relationships I am able to give without being worried that my OWN ability to find the line is somewhat faulty because I know many lovely people who give as much as they recieve and they don't ask for more beyond the line.

Unfortunately... .I do have a hard time finding the boundary myself if I'm with someone who is happy to trample that line and take advantage. I am in therapy learning all about how I am quite the textbook codependent enabler, as was my mother. Lifelong blueprints are a ___ man! I relate exactly to what you are saying BG. If I'm pouring myself into someone and I'm NOT getting the feedback than I just pour more, and more, and more. It doesn't matter if other relationships are healthy, I NEED to fix THIS ONE. And that's on me, that's my codependency.

And yes flourdust - at this point if pwBPD had the means to hire himself a nanny and a housekeeper I could pretty much be replaced. Oh, and a hooker. Ho hum... .