A sad revelation

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Not to get too personal but last night my brother really messed up in his marriage. And we all went over there to help bring him to my paren'ts home. And everyone in the home was yelling at him, shaming him, calling him terrible things. And they were angry. But I stayed with him, tried to talk to him, make him comfortable. And then I hugged him, and told him I loved him. First time I ever hugged my brother.

I realized what my mean words must have done to my ex. How she already hates herself (she's told me numerous times) and my anger and selfishness got the best of me. So I sent her a text message. And then I blocked her. I didn't need to see the response. I don't want to see the response.

But once removed commented on someone's post about how we can take control of leaving the relationship with dignity. Just so we can hold our heads high and grow from it. So this is what I wrote to her. She said she was blocking which explains the first sentence.

If you don't get this you don't get this. My brother F'ed up bad. I flew home early. And everyone is shaming him making him feel like a piece of (expletive). And I'm being nice to him, talking to him, helping him. Now I know what I did to you. It doesn't matter how I felt. You didn't need to be shamed by me. Made to feel worse than you already do about yourself. I see that with my brother. And I should have taken a pause and did it with you before I walked out in January and f'ed up real bad. So I'm sorry. I see how I shamed you in anger and I was too selfish to understand how that was making you feel. You don't have to talk to me ever again. You don't have to forgive me. I don't want you too. I don't even want a reply to be honest. No reply will be better. I just now understand fully what I did with my words. And I never once validated why you should feel so hurt by them. I should have known better. I'm sorry. You don't deserve to feel any guilt or shame over this. You fell out of love. It's not a law for you to have to try to make it work. And because you don't it doesn't mean you should be shamed. That's all. Life has been pretty ___ty since december for me. And I won't hurt others because of it. Take care. I'm sorry

Now I know all the finer details of this. I know she didn't "fall out of love with me". I know that her love wasn't something naturally real. I know she hurt me. I know she invalidated me. How she emotionally abused me. I know it all. But I saw it all last night. And I felt way too guilty for doing exactly what was happening to my brother to her. I saw how that was making him feel. But I feel better. I didn't leave the door open for a reply. Odds are I'm blocked anyway so she didn't even get it. But I know that I made amends. Hurt people hurt people. And I didn't want to walk away from this with mean words.

I don't need her forgiveness. And it wasn't a ploy to have her doubt her choice, and give me a chance. I just didn't want to live with myself that way. I'm not a mean person. And even if I'm hurt, no one deserves pain or anger. I think this is finally the first step to my healing after almost 5 long months. I did this for myself. So I could hold my head up high, and finally 100% start day 1 of NC for the rest of my life.

And I will feel a strange sort of happiness and pride that I made amends. But it was an amends for myself.

I'm making a promise to myself that this will be the last post ever talking about me in any form of communication with her.  I never promised myself that. And this will help hold me accountable. I can't say in a week "But i just want to reach out and apologize for my actions." Nope. Already did it. Here's the written proof.

Geez... .I feel like I finally breathe. I think the guilt was keeping me in this cycle of reaching out, being hurt, being angry, reaching out to apologize, being hurt, lashing out, etc etc. Now I have made amends. The ball is in my court now. I have washed my hands, and made peace with it. There will never be another excuse for me to reach out.

[roberto516]

Not to get too personal but last night my brother really messed up in his marriage. And we all went over there to help bring him to my paren'ts home. And everyone in the home was yelling at him, shaming him, calling him terrible things. And they were angry. But I stayed with him, tried to talk to him, make him comfortable. And then I hugged him, and told him I loved him. First time I ever hugged my brother.

I realized what my mean words must have done to my ex. How she already hates herself (she's told me numerous times) and my anger and selfishness got the best of me. So I sent her a text message. And then I blocked her. I didn't need to see the response. I don't want to see the response.

But once removed commented on someone's post about how we can take control of leaving the relationship with dignity. Just so we can hold our heads high and grow from it. So this is what I wrote to her. She said she was blocking which explains the first sentence.

If you don't get this you don't get this. My brother F'ed up bad. I flew home early. And everyone is shaming him making him feel like a piece of (expletive). And I'm being nice to him, talking to him, helping him. Now I know what I did to you. It doesn't matter how I felt. You didn't need to be shamed by me. Made to feel worse than you already do about yourself. I see that with my brother. And I should have taken a pause and did it with you before I walked out in January and f'ed up real bad. So I'm sorry. I see how I shamed you in anger and I was too selfish to understand how that was making you feel. You don't have to talk to me ever again. You don't have to forgive me. I don't want you too. I don't even want a reply to be honest. No reply will be better. I just now understand fully what I did with my words. And I never once validated why you should feel so hurt by them. I should have known better. I'm sorry. You don't deserve to feel any guilt or shame over this. You fell out of love. It's not a law for you to have to try to make it work. And because you don't it doesn't mean you should be shamed. That's all. Life has been pretty ___ty since december for me. And I won't hurt others because of it. Take care. I'm sorry

Now I know all the finer details of this. I know she didn't "fall out of love with me". I know that her love wasn't something naturally real. I know she hurt me. I know she invalidated me. How she emotionally abused me. I know it all. But I saw it all last night. And I felt way too guilty for doing exactly what was happening to my brother to her. I saw how that was making him feel. But I feel better. I didn't leave the door open for a reply. Odds are I'm blocked anyway so she didn't even get it. But I know that I made amends. Hurt people hurt people. And I didn't want to walk away from this with mean words.

I don't need her forgiveness. And it wasn't a ploy to have her doubt her choice, and give me a chance. I just didn't want to live with myself that way. I'm not a mean person. And even if I'm hurt, no one deserves pain or anger. I think this is finally the first step to my healing after almost 5 long months. I did this for myself. So I could hold my head up high, and finally 100% start day 1 of NC for the rest of my life.

And I will feel a strange sort of happiness and pride that I made amends. But it was an amends for myself.

I'm making a promise to myself that this will be the last post ever talking about me in any form of communication with her.  I never promised myself that. And this will help hold me accountable. I can't say in a week "But i just want to reach out and apologize for my actions." Nope. Already did it. Here's the written proof.

Geez... .I feel like I finally breathe. I think the guilt was keeping me in this cycle of reaching out, being hurt, being angry, reaching out to apologize, being hurt, lashing out, etc etc. Now I have made amends. The ball is in my court now. I have washed my hands, and made peace with it. There will never be another excuse for me to reach out.

[anothercasualty]

Good for you. I believe in leaving relationships with as much respect as possible. Sometimes that means humbling ourselves to our former partner. Not to be abused again, but to give them respect and a feeling of even-ness, if that makes any sense. They are already a mess inside, our anger doesn't fix them.

Sorry about your brother. Glad you can be there for him.

[RomanticFool]

Roberto,

Sorry to hear about your brother.

That is magnanimous of you and if you feel that was the right thing to do then more power to you.

Personally, I am not going to apologise to my ex for angry words because they were delivered under the most intense provocation. I'm not saying I was right to tear her off a strip for causing me pain or for exposing her personality disorder so brutally to her. But I was in terrible pain and her silences were the main cause of it.

What I was able to do was at least say some kind words among the finger pointing. That is as far as I am able to go right now. Perhaps further down the line I might feel I owe her an apology but I think the memory of her blocking my number for 4 days after I left a song for her on Facebook will always stay in my mind. As will her turning her back on me for a year when she was drinking and taunting and abusing me over texts

All relationships are different but I personally feel that apologising to a person who has abused me is validating their behaviour and that I will never do.

However, it shows how advanced you are in your recovery if you feel you can say that without it feeling co-dependent and forgetting the abuse (if there was any?). A good example of dignity and honesty. I do think it's good that you have blocked her though... .just in case.

[doy]

i am happy to read this. because i am doubting myself.
i didn't express any anger towards my ex BPD in any way, never ... .. after a long time of abusive behavior he left me with a ' i don't know who i am or what i feel' ... he said he wanted to be free first before being with me.  i let him leave with my faith in him and encouragement... .knowing almost for sure he was not going to do any of these things. he just went back to his ex-wife.
i gave everything. and i am left with nightmares. the feeling of being lied to, fooled, played with and abused ... it is very hard to deal with.
i also know he never fell out of love with me, he just was very afraid and sabotaging and well, flipping back and forth.  

but reading your post it is like an ffwd of what would have happened if i would have expressed my anger, me telling him he is spineless and unstable is not really something he could use , he thinks bad enough about himself as it is.  but i still don't know how to cope with all these negative thoughts and injustice ... .and feel just totally walked over. denied.  leaving like i did is probably the 'best ' thing... .but i cannot really say it feels particularly good.

my brother told me to not speak any word to him and let him think for himself. it has been 5 weeks NC i am still happy i did it this way. but man ... is this hard.

[roberto516]

A part of me wishes I was more civil from the beginning. But then I remember telling her after the first discard something along the lines of "I'm saying all of this so you don't even consider ever trying to get back with me." I feel like my subconscious brain was trying to go all out so she really resented me. And it must have worked. When she recycled me she gave one kernel of truth to why she ended it again. And it was "I guess I still have resentments."

Sure if I listened to her after the first discard when he she said she just needed space wed probably be together. But I wouldn't have been happy. There's positives in everything I guess. The anger kept her away.

[doy]

i am sorry,  just spoke about my situation. but the part that you apologized shows you you, and thats the main reason. you can be proud of yourself for managing to get so far .
i do not think you would have been together if you would have been more civil. tbh , i have been the most civilized person alive being with my exBPD , it really doesn't matter. despair is what you get in return.
your ex sounds so similar in her behavior... .the trap is thinking we should have done it different , then... but she would have just find a ( totally irrelevant) reason to get angry or walk out on you/change her mind /be abusive etc... .  i found out that even when i didn't give in , he would rage against himself about me and still walk out.

[doy]

an example; he once said he could break up with me because i slept with my panties on. i told him i found that a quite ridiculous to break up. but i would if he insisted. me having an attitude of " i dunno if i agree but ok' pissed him off.
he left my house in the middle of the night ( oo drama) angry, saying ' he needed space'
i just let him go, and said ok. didn't text him,  he needed space.
after four days i get a text of him suggesting i had been with another man , and that our fairytale turned into FUstory.
i texted him a question mark and said i had anything but a FUfeeling ... and that he asked me for space, i just gave him space?

he would return to my house 'tired of all the drama between us' leaving me in total awe... .you see? it doesn't really matter. the mud in his head found a way anyway.
i even remember using the words: you are not fighting me, you are fighting yourself.

[roberto516]

an example; he once said he could break up with me because i slept with my panties on. i told him i found that a quite ridiculous to break up. but i would if he insisted. me having an attitude of " i dunno if i agree but ok' pissed him off.
he left my house in the middle of the night ( oo drama) angry, saying ' he needed space'
i just let him go, and said ok. didn't text him,  he needed space.
after four days i get a text of him suggesting i had been with another man , and that our fairytale turned into FUstory.
i texted him a question mark and said i had anything but a FUfeeling ... and that he asked me for space, i just gave him space?

he would return to my house 'tired of all the drama between us' leaving me in total awe... .you see? it doesn't really matter. the mud in his head found a way anyway.
i even remember using the words: you are not fighting me, you are fighting yourself.

I understand this all too well. And thank you for the personal experience. Deep down I know it was just a matter of time. In a give/take relationship I eventually wasn't able to give. And everytime I tried to talk she'd want to take a break, or ask if I wanted to leave her. Well when you are asked the question "do you want to break up" for the 200th time eventually you say yes. She was self-sabotaging herself.

I'm not perfect by any means. But up until the discard I was pretty good to her. Actually really good. I cared for her, put her first when she needed me, and never once thought about hurting her. I guess I had finally had enough of not being able to express my emotions. And when I sat her down, and said I feel we are growing apart I told her what I would like to see from her, and she told me what she'd like to see from  me. Well guess what? I made the minor changes. She didn't.

I have to remember that I walked out first. And then wanted her back in which she left me. But deep down I know that I left first. It was my heart telling me to get out. I need to remind myself of that. I knew I deserved better, and she was not capable of unconditional mutual love. I feel sorry for the next guy. If she couldn't talk to me/work through the difficult period of the relationship with me I don't know how she will do it with the next guy. She's gotta find a complete doormat with no self-esteem at all. I hold my head high knowing that I eventually had enough and loved myself enough to walk away. Thanks for the post. It brought all this stuff up for me.

[Skip]

Many of us weren't so emotionally mature in the relationship.

Starting with the breakup (or being broken up with) we can try to fight through and rise to a higher emotional level and keep working on that an applying it to our life.

You are seeing that growth in yourself, roberto516. It's evident in many of your posts that you are becoming more self aware and more balanced in your understanding of what happened.

Good for you!

[doy]

i agree with skip. and it doesn't really matter who ran first... .they will be the same anywhere, it is about emotionally surviving and being proud of who you are as a human being. the rest is futile ego stuff. if they run first, saves you the trip .