The Hurt In The Silence

[momieux]

I have loved a person with strong BPD traits for 15 years. I had no knowledge of this disorder when we became involved. After our first breakup, it was my desperate need to understand what made him do the things he'd done that led to my research and discovery of BPD. I have been through so many of the experiences I see mentioned over and over on the boards I've been reading here. In some ways it's a relief, in others it's not. The most important benefit for me is to see that I truly am not alone nor are the struggles I have faced and impact on my life unique. 
I chose to start here because right now the pain of his silence is what I am finding the hardest to deal with.
This has been an on-again-off-again relationship for years, and along the way, there were many periods of silence on his part. They were always hurtful, mystifying, confusing.  Other things mentioned such as recycling, breadcrumbs, etc. were part of our dynamic. I had no name for these experiences before, but I had all pain and confusion that comes with them.
When he recently said he "wanted our old relationship back" because he missed "those happy days," I felt sad. It can't work that way. There is no magic eraser to erase the past. Without a willingness to commit to working together on trying to build a better healthier dynamic, there can only be a return to the chaos that existed before.
I was punished for trying to open a dialogue about our history by his withdrawal into cold silence and now a notice by text that he considers our relationship to be over.
I am struggling to not attempt contact, not because I no longer love him, but because I can no longer pretend that all is well when it's not.
Silence and withdrawal is a method of control that works short-term but is very destructive long-term.
The more I learn on this site, the more I understand I must work on my own issues.
Yet every time my phone rings or the text notice dings, I hope it is him.
Silence can indeed be very painful.
momieux
   
   

[Breathe066]

Momieux, be strong. Mine told me that unless I agree with him that the verbal and emotional abuse never happened, there was no point in communicating. I refused to deny the truth and prop up his delusions, so now he doesn't communicate with me. It hurts, every single day it hurts, but I am beginning to heal and get stronger. I am beginning to find some peace and happiness--in his absence, which I could never have imagined would happen.
Mine also wanted "those early days back." Well, too bad for him. It was his behavior, his terrible rages and abandonment, that destroyed the sweetness of those early days. Because, as you say, you can't just erase all the pain and pretend it never happened.