I freaked out, don't know how badly I acted, input appreciated

[Teak]

I should probably start with a couple of disclaimers. The first is that I understand that some people with Cluster B personality disorders are not malignant. They have mostly insecurity and anxiety type issues and just get kind of crazy when they are triggered. However unfortunately both of my parents were the malignant kinds. The second is that I know there is pretty much no way that I grew up with AsPD/NPD/BPD parents without probably developing some dysfunctional traits of my unknown. Actually I know I have dysfunctional traits. I am pretty low functioning in general in some ways. I have had one therapist think my father fit AsPD and that my mother fit BPD, and another therapist think that it was my father with NPD and my mother with BPD. I have perceived it more like my father was BPD and my mother was NPD. Regardless, though, it's probably just a bunch of overlapping Cluster B traits in the end without the label being super important.

So again I am low functioning but still trying to work on myself. One of my biggest struggles is that I have a very hard time being able to tell both normal vs abnormal, and then also accurately gauging severity of something, both when it comes to stuff like emotions, communication, coping methods, interpersonal relations in general. My last therapist thought I had C-PTSD/PTSD and depression and also I have vaginismus from the sexual abuse, and she would help me to identify abnormal/severe/inappropriate. However I lost my job several months ago and currently can't afford therapy. I actually have to live with my mother right now. I don't know where my father is, but it has been that way for a long time, and for the better. I am job hunting and in the meantime trying to cope with having to live with my mother for a while during job hunting and saving up money again.

Sorry that was all so long winded. Well right now my mother and her husband are traveling on a vacation in different parts of the world. I am by myself in their house during this time. About a week ago I had a pretty severe hypervigilance episode and then started to feel like I might be about to have flashback activity. It was late at night because that is often when I get the hypervigilance and then I can't sleep. There are photos with my face in them in my mother's house, framed photos on walls.

I am honestly not even sure of the exact psychological details of why I did it. I think it was panic and rage though it was more like a shaky numbness, but honestly again the details in retrospect just seemed to be that I felt like I didn't recognize myself in the photos and it made me so upset seeing them and them being in the house. I took all of the photos with my face that were in the house and destroyed them. There was a large photo with a special backing that was of my mother's second wedding and had her, her husband, my brother, my step siblings and myself. I carved my head out of the photo with a knife and then later put it back on the shelf with just my face removed from it. The completely destroyed photos were of just me and went into the trash. The empty frames I put back in their places. The whole process kind of helped me calm down and be focused and in control of what felt like was setting me off.

So now my mother and her husband get back from their traveling vacation in a week, and all of the photos of me from the house are gone, and the wedding photo missing my head. I don't know if I should throw it completely away or not.

I could really use some input even on like a 1-10 scale of how crazy or bad what I did was. To be honest with everything she has done to me throughout my life and then with her husband also being very manipulative and narcissistic, I know that when they have a likely reaction (for them) of going into a crazy rage at me over this, that I will probably start to dissociate and just feel very defensive, as well, in like a, "Why should I be sorry for this when you have never been sorry for anything, even the scars in my vagina?" way.

However it is also a major goal in my life to try to actually be better and not turn out just like my parents. So please if anyone could give me any calm and objective input on how bad it was to destroy the photos of myself I would really appreciate it. I just need a couple opinions from someone I have no emotional enmeshment or connection to at all so I am here on the anonymous internet.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Teak:  
Welcome back to the Community!

I could really use some input even on like a 1-10 scale of how crazy or bad what I did was. To be honest with everything she has done to me throughout my life and then with her husband also being very manipulative and narcissistic, I know that when they have a likely reaction (for them) of going into a crazy rage at me over this, that  

I guess I'd give it a "5-6".  A lot could depend on the meaning of the photos.  For photos that don't have a special meaning, an offer for an updated similar photo might neutralize any anger.  Your mom is returning from vacation, so perhaps she will be rested and less reactive. Your mom's reaction would depend on the importance she places on the photos and how she generally reacts to things. If she tends to overreact, then her reaction might be higher on the scale.

The wedding photo missing my head. I don't know if I should throw it completely away or not.

That photo might be your biggest challenge.  :)on't throw it away.  If there aren't any other options, it could be scanned and then receive a little photoshopping.  Maybe they have a duplicate, or a similar version tucked away in a storage box?  Is there a wedding album around? Maybe this can be an opportunity to display a different, but equally treasured photo?  There are lots of places these days who can reprint/resize a photo.

If there are digital copies available, they can easily be replaced.  If there are duplicate or similar printouts available, they could be scanned and duplicated. Are you willing to take responsibility to restore what's possible and replace what's not with acceptable replacements?

To be honest with everything she has done to me throughout my life and then with her husband also being very manipulative and narcissistic, I know that when they have a likely reaction (for them) of going into a crazy rage at me over this, that I will probably start to dissociate and just feel very defensive, as well, in like a, "Why should I be sorry for this when you have never been sorry for anything"

Be honest about what happened and what it appeared to be about for you. Apologize and offer whatever fix is possible (help obtain duplicates or similar new photos, as possible).  :)on't try to minimize it, but saying, "it's nothing in comparison to what you have done to me".  

However it is also a major goal in my life to try to actually be better and not turn out just like my parents.

You have an opportunity to use some emotional intelligence and prove you are different.