Lost in confusion

[Nowigetit2]

Hi, I am currently experiencing a separation from my partner/husband.  This has happened several times. The longest apart was 4 months (last may ironically) ... .however this pattern of him "walking out, walking away" occurs roughly every 3-6 months, over the course of 3 years.
My husband was diagnosed with PTSD at 14 years old... .he has never complete therapy, nor has he address the abuse he suffered as a child, including physical, mental, and sexual (by his father).
His mother was not in contact at ALL from age 5-13? I am the first, only person he told about the sexual abuse, which lasted approx 3 years.
We sought therapy, as a couple previously, however it was unfortunately unsuccessful, as our therapist suggested individual counseling was going to be needed to resolve issues from his past. He refuses.
We have 4 children, 2  (mine) from previous relationship, and 2 that are ours together, ages
7,6, 2 yrs & 5 mos. All kids call him dad, and in every sense he is their daddy. He is a WONDERFUL daddy, loving, affectionate, participates daily, kind, attentive etc. Same goes for the type of husband he is... .we are very much in love, truly LIKE each other, enjoy company etc.
Until... .he "switches".  He becomes extremely defensive and combative if asked to explain decisions that are less than positive for our family, or even just detrimental to him... .he gets increasingly distant if pressured to take responsibility for mistakes and seems to literally "shut down", refuses to speak, silent treatment, becoming irrational... .most often resulting in him leaving our home, days sometimes, months sometimes. During times away he self mediates, w no pills or alcohol, but smokes marijuana heavily.
When we are apart, or he is in one of these episodes, lack of a better term... .he refuses to communicate with me, at all. No messaging, no phone calls, no letters etc. He also cuts ALL contact with our children, refusing to attend school functions, graduation, birthdays etc.
My children are not deserving of this pain, nor am I. That being said, I love him dearly, and do not want to "desert" him, or give up on someone so beautiful inside and out... .however, that being said, if he won't get help what can I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Nowigetit2-
I am deeply sorry for the immense pain you and your children are feeling right now.  I can certainly understand the deep love and respect you hold for your husband, both as a husband and a father.  I imagine he is incredibly conflicted when he leaves, knowing he loves you and your children, especially with the abuse he endured as a child.  He likely doesn't Want to consciously abandon any of you, but may feel that by staying, he is somehow letting you down more... .I don't know... .

You say that he did go to counseling WITH you, but when the counselor suggested that your husband needed to do counseling alone, that idea was struck down.  Since you are the only person up until that point that your husband had told his "secrets" to, maybe he NEEDS you there for that part of his healing.  He may be too afraid to do it alone with a stranger.  Have you asked him that?  If he is willing to come back into counseling/therapy with you by his side, and be open and honest about important things, then perhaps for his comfort, you can do that for him.  What would you think of that? 

I will tell you one of my secrets.   I was molested repeatedly when I was 6 years old by our neighbor, the father of my two best friends.  My parents found out when I scaled the fence between our two houses to escape him and landed on my neck with my legs still up the fence.  My mom happened to look out the kitchen window and saw me, with the wind knocked out of me.  She carried me inside, calmed me down and my daddy came running to see what was wrong.  They got it out of me.  My father ran out to buy a gun to kill him.  My mama called the police and they stopped my dad, but did NOT arrest my dad.  The neighbors, including my two best friends, who I never saw again, were gone the next day.  Empty house.  I missed my best friends.  The incidents were NEVER discussed.  When I was 23, my older sister was stunned to find out that I remembered.  She said "oh my GOD, mommy and daddy don't think you remember!"  I do.  I am 59 now.  Last year, I went to a therapist.  During our SECOND meeting, that woman asked me EXACTLY WHAT the man did to me.  I said I wasn't quite ready to discuss those details yet.  That "therapist" became so pushy and disgusting, almost giddy that she was going to get something out of me so fast.  I was already crying and was quiet.  She told me I was being "dramatic".  I picked up my purse, told her she was a very destructive person who I would not allow to shame me for her pleasure, and I left.  Not all "therapists" are therapeutic.

Sorry to have digressed... .my heart is racing.  My point is, that kind of trauma, especially at the hands of his "trusted father" empties the soul.  Your husband may need you as his advocate if it becomes too much.  And with a truly good therapist, perhaps you can bring these other things up - how you and the children love having him around, all of his positive traits, etc., to make him feel good about himself, so he doesn't feel the need to disappear.  How much you miss him when he's not at home. 

I know there is probably so much banging around inside of your head right now.  It is NOT FAIR.  I have so much I'd like to say to you, but MY thoughts are flying all over the place... .after all, it's not all about your husband.  You are suffering, too.  And I want to acknowledge that.

Out of curiosity, where is the birth mother of his children?   Do those children live with you full-time or does their birth mother take them and Are you then dealing with a breaking up of your blended family in that way, too?

When he disappears, do you know where he goes?  Does he contact anyone in his family or any of his friends?  Have you discussed this with any of the other people he's close to?  Did he do this to his ex-partners?  When he has returned in the past, how has he "re-immersed" into family life and into your marriage?  Is he working? 

My GOD, I am so sorry about all of these questions!  I'm trying to get a broader picture so I and other loving people on this incredibly helpful forum can really give you the help and support you deserve.

Be as kind as you can to yourself.  It does seem that you're pretty tuned into yourself and KNOW that you are NOT to blame - you're NOT!  Read when you have time about BPD - the resources here are enormously helpful in gaining a better understanding.  From what I've read here and elsewhere, a traumatic era similar to what your husband endured can lead to BPD.  But there can be improvements.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes