need support

[wannagetbetter]

Hi everybody, I have been on this board about 10 years ago. It was a big help and things really improved through me learning about BPD and counseling for me. We are married 24 years today, my hubby will turn 80 in July, I am 68. Sadly, it looks like lately things get worse again, especially the irrational blaming. Raging has improved (have learned to set some boundaries there plus our little therapist (dog) does not like it!).
But the blaming can happen in such a suddenle way, so unexpected that right now it is very hard for me to deal with it. I feel cornered and very alone. It feels like it takes the air out of me.
I would be thankful for some refreshers and just simple some understanding and support. Thanks you so much!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

Congratulations on your aniversary! I feel like that, like I can't breath when my partner is mad at me, when I'm waiting to hear from her and I don't know if her next words will be unkind. I'm sorry you are experiencing it again.

I think about this as 3 circles, one inside the other (concentric). The inner one is their feelings, the second is thoughts, and the third is actions (or words). We see the outside one. Picture the circles like the sphere of a clock. Each one with numbers (1-12). When they are calmed, the feeling "1" gives the thoughts "1" and the actions "1". When they are disregulated, the circles move. Then the emotion "3" wakes up the thoughts "8" and we see an action of "10". The circles are not aligned. When we see the action "10" and we react, it doesn't make sense to their thoughts or their feelings.

Does that make sense?

So the blaming not only doesn't have anything to do with you. It probably does not have anything to do with his own feelings and thoughts. You should only be concerned that he returns to base line, and his circles align again, and then he's trully himself. You don't have to take the blaming into account. You either give him space to settle or if you have other technics, you use them.

Take care, and I hope you find the peace and joy you deserve.

[isilme]

I have learned that H cannot deal with his emotions well at all unless he pretty much talks them out with me... .and if it's a really bad time for him or I don't provide the input he is looking for, he needs to yell.  I think his internal monologue is missing.

So, in order to express and work through things, he has to be unpleasant to me at times.  I am not excusing it, or saying it's okay, or that I need to stick around for it, but the ability to realize that the person in front of you is not what is making you mad is missing in pwBPD.  Sounds silly, but I saw this same thing recently with my cats.

So, my cats have been around each other their whole lives - years.  They snuggle, cuddle, and overall get along really well for, well, cats.  But one night, I woke up to them trying to fight and pretty much hurt each other.  They were running in circles each trying to attack the other 2.  Something had triggered them, and they assumed their housemates were the problem.  It took a lot of supervision, tranq-ing treats, and a thunder shirt to get them all to calm the hell down.

So - it seems that a cat can look out a window, be alarmed at a strange dog or something outside, and then transfer that fear/stress/anger on the next thing they see.  So my cats were scared (I think) by strays outside fighting, and turned that aggression inside the house to each other, and nothing could make them see at that moment that the kitty they had been sleeping cuddled up to was not what made them scared.  I think the term is "redirected aggression."  Sound familiar at all?

BPD seems to have a lot of redirected aggression.  They can't deal with internal shame or bad feelings, so they redirect it, project it, onto you.  They can't work through it internally.  They can't let is out whole alone.  They need a human audience but have to keep things under wraps until they are alone with the person with whom they are trying to enmesh.  You are sort of an appendage to them, and so you get to be the scapegoat.

I would also caution that at age 80, other factors may be in place adding to irrational attitudes and behavior.  My H is just about to turn 40, but we finally have a diagnosis that some of his worst behavior comes when his blood sugar is messed up.  So keep an eye out for other things that can make it all worse and remove whatever coping skills he may have developed.

[wannagetbetter]

Hi there,

Congratulations on your aniversary! I feel like that, like I can't breath when my partner is mad at me, when I'm waiting to hear from her and I don't know if her next words will be unkind. I'm sorry you are experiencing it again.

I think about this as 3 circles, one inside the other (concentric). The inner one is their feelings, the second is thoughts, and the third is actions (or words). We see the outside one. Picture the circles like the sphere of a clock. Each one with numbers (1-12). When they are calmed, the feeling "1" gives the thoughts "1" and the actions "1". When they are disregulated, the circles move. Then the emotion "3" wakes up the thoughts "8" and we see an action of "10". The circles are not aligned. When we see the action "10" and we react, it doesn't make sense to their thoughts or their feelings.

Does that make sense?

So the blaming not only doesn't have anything to do with you. It probably does not have anything to do with his own feelings and thoughts. You should only be concerned that he returns to base line, and his circles align again, and then he's trully himself. You don't have to take the blaming into account. You either give him space to settle or if you have other technics, you use them.

Take care, and I hope you find the peace and joy you deserve.

[c-riz]

I just want to say it was really encouraging to see you are married for 24 years! My wife (since January) recently shared with me she was diagnosed with BPD and a lot of the struggles we have had made a lot more sense, for both of us.  She is aware and sees a therapist, but I am struggling because of the lack sometimes of love and the struggles felt.  Thank you for sharing on here, really it is encouraging to see you all together for so long.  I am sure those 2 decades plus came with some challenges and you have probably faced many trials and tribulations.  I want to let you know you are important, your feelings matter and I hope you find encouragement and peace you need. Thank you.