Terrified of bumping into uBPDex

[aquietcipher]

Hello all, I am (fairly) new to this board – first time posting, but have been reading the posts for some time. I cannot express enough my gratitude for the wisdom and support shared in those posts – you’ve all helped me through what is possibly the worst time in my life, without even knowing it.

My ex is undiagnosed, or rather, I don’t know if she really has BPD – I only realized it was a possibility after my therapist made me read Stop Walking on Eggshells to get me to stop blaming myself for the failure of the relationship, blame that my ex has long laid at my door and I’ve accepted. My therapist thinks she might have BPD, but we don’t dwell on her – the sessions are more focused on me, to help me get better and deal with the mess that I was after the relationship ended, and for that, I’m grateful. So I don’t know if my ex is indeed suffering from BPD, but I do know, now, that she was a bully, and she was emotionally abusive, often in ways that match BPD characteristics.

She ended the relationship, a week after a huge fight in public over my getting lost on the subway, which frustrated and angered her, and she went into a rage over the phone and later in person. The fight was bad, and for the first time, I stood up for myself, and tried to walk away from her. She thought I was going to break up with her that night and told me she didn’t want a breakup, and was upset. I don’t deny this – I loved her too much then, much more than I loved or respected myself, and I didn’t want her to hurt, so I didn’t ask for a breakup. A week after, she dumped me, and told me it was because I was incapable of telling her whenever I was upset, and she was sick of having to take care of me all the time. I’ve spent months believing this, as I’ve believed every other flaw of mine she’s pointed out over the course of our relationship, and it has made my life hell.

I finally went to therapy because the self-loathing and grief was too much to handle together, and I’m glad to say I’ve improved and healed much – but I still have this insane, almost irrational fear of my ex. In the immediate aftermath of the break-up, I’ve reached out to her twice, to get closure and to ask her to come back, in my grief. Both conversations went badly – she mocked and threatened me, and I came out of the conversations even worse than before. I’ve not contacted her since, and it has now been 9 months since the breakup. But just last month, she reached out through our mutual friend to pass me a message – she wanted me to know something disparaging about my current appearance, as well as the fact that she’s newly attached. I would later find out that she's been attached before a month has passed since our breakup, and I think she probably had someone lined up before we ended. She went to the trouble of actually introducing the new girlfriend to our friend, and told her explicitly to pass the message of her disparaging my appearance on to me. To say I felt shocked and shattered would be an understatement.

And here’s my question – is this common behaviour? Why would she feel the need to continue to reach out to hurt me, when I’ve left her alone, and did not even tell our friends what she did to me, just so she could remain friends with them? I am also filled with this terror when I go out – I am so scared I’ll run into her in public, and I avoid places that we used to frequent. Has anyone else experienced this fear? Is there anything I can do to lessen it? I’ve spoken with my therapist, and she tells me I need to stop giving my ex power – I now know who she really is, and I sincerely no longer want her back, but try as I might, I am still terrified of her, and of bumping into her. Nobody in my life has ever caused me this amount of hurt, while convincing me that they loved me, and that everything was my fault.

How else do I strip her of power?

[roberto516]

Welcome cipher!

Thanks for posting first of all. Many of us have felt like you. I have. It's trauma. Trauma I didn't want to admit I experienced. The emotional abuse was more subtle in my case. But I'm living at home in the interim of this until I can save for a home. Anyway, we watched jeopardy together when we first started dating. That quickly went away after idealization phase. Anyway, my father had it on his tv and I could hear it. I had to go downstairs. I can't listen to certain music, I feel miserable when people talk about going down the shore this weekend because that was always our thing, and I know she's going down.

I'm at the cusp of looking for an EMDR therapist. If you have indeed suffered a trauma, which it sounds like, then it might help. I applaud you for being so civil despite all the abuse. I wouldn't have been able to do that. I would have went right back at her with the mean words, and insults.

You sound like an amazing, kind, caring human. Don't forget that. I would keep posting. What have you done for yourself? Have you looked into new hobbies, interests, things to do that will be specifically all your own so to speak?

[Icefog]

I have certainly experienced this fear and anxiety and am still vigilant about seeing her. The first few months were particularly bad. I still scope out public places like the grocery store parking lot before I pull in to make sure she isn't there. I time going to and leaving work as we have the same schedule and the same route to work. I don't go to places I know she frequents or that we went to together. I still have to work sometimes with her and get emails for work from her daily. Some days I can manage this better than others. I no longer have anxiety over going out and some days I can see her and get no emotional lability at all, other days it makes me quite sad or angry but I am no longer fearful or anxious. I think what worked for me is really internalizing that it really wasn't about me or my behavior that caused the relationship to end. For my exBPD its pathological behavior that has existed for 20 plus years across many different partners. Its about her maladaptive coping and cowardly ways of not wanting to deal with life problems in a healthy, mature and constructive fashion. I wouldn't personalize the comments regarding your appearance. I know that might be hard to do but obviously she is an angry person and right now you are the target. If you don't respond she will move her anger onto the next victim... .likely onto your replacement eventually and the cycle will continue. As for closure that comes from yourself. I have come to realize that closure is not dependent on my exBPD partner. She wouldn't have the ability to do this nor does she have the empathy to truly understand the psychological damage she has done to many people over the years... .she just doesn't have it in her and has said " I like who I am" despite her abhorrent behavior. Nothing she could say to me would give me closure nor would she take responsibility. She hasn't in 20 plus years and always plays the victim role so why would she now?   

[Harley Quinn]

Hi aquietcipher,

I thank your therapist for those words!  Seems I needed to hear them too.  Was just considering posting myself about the fact that I saw my ex yesterday for the first time since going NC and fight or flight kicked in immediately.  I felt sheer panic.  Just when I was thinking my anxiety was improving on the SSRI I'm now taking  

I was doing so well at keeping it together but have been building up to this moment and when it happened I went to bits and literally gave him the power again.  Thankfully I wasn't alone and was with a close friend who knows and understands better than anyone else the extent of what I've been through.  She immediately became protective and checked if I was OK.  He didn't see me right away.  I was sitting around the corner from my friend and he said 'Hi' to her and walked past, then did a double take.  I was taking a phone call at the time and boy was I glad of that distraction.  It gave me the excuse I needed to be unavailable for any interaction.  He walked away and passed around a corner then seconds later he returned to walk past us again!  I fell apart as we were going to the gym next and he placed himself immediately in front of the building as he stopped a passer by for a light.  Feeling like a rabbit in headlights I bolted past him and into the safety of the gym which is very secure so only members can enter.  Once inside the premises my friend gave me a running commentary on the fact that he hung around unnecessarily long outside in full view of where we were working out and then intentionally went and sat down in exactly the spot I'd been sitting when he saw me.  I didn't look over but was an anxious mess.  Wished I'd prepared more for any encounter and given myself some mantra to say internally to give me strength.  Thanks to you I believe I now have it.  I will keep my power and not give it away to him.  I'll be ready next time.

Clearly I'm not the person to give you the best advice but can empathise with your feelings as I've been afraid of seeing him and what it would do to me.  My heart was in my throat and I've done nothing but think about it since it happened.  Keep wondering if he was trying to show me I'm on his mind by going to sit where I'd been.  We both know that I don't wish to see him or speak to him at all and it was a bit like he took the opportunity to communicate the only way he could.  I still love him (who he was) and I think he too found it hard.  There has been no attempt to contact me afterwards and I'm so relieved but he hasn't left my thoughts and I doubt I'm far from his - whether they be good bad or ugly.  

My resolve is this.  I will not let him have the power.  When I next see him, which is inevitable, I will hold up my head and CALMLY walk away as if he is a total stranger.  Because in the end that's what he was to me.  The man I fell in love with had gone and been replaced with a terrifying monster.  I promise myself to never forget that.  Also I plan to keep my phone in my hand should I need to quickly call for a friend to appear by my side and get me the hell out of there!

Love and light x

[Aesir]

I know how you feel. I tend to avoid a lot of the old places we went together.

[Dark horse]

Aquietcipher- I just got my BPD husband to move out and finalized our separation.  It's been 6 weeks since I told him that our marriage was over.   It's all a blur... .I know exactly how you feel about everything you wrote.  I'm on an emotional roller coaster of feeling terrified of seeing him sometime/somewhere and wanting to see him to get a dose of "approval".   I agree with what someone else said about this being the "aftermath of the trauma".  I'm starting to have flashbacks of horrible emotional abuse that occurred over the 17 years that I had forgotten about.  I have weird dreams.  I've been doing some writing and that seems to help diffuse the emotion.  I feel like I've been labeled by him as "the bad guy"... .instead of getting an apartment (which he could easily afford) while he waits to close on he new house... .he is sleeping on the couch at his office at work... .so everyone knows that "I kicked him out and he's emotionally devastated.   Everyone is fawning over him... .our really close friends understand the situation but all his posse has no idea... and frankly - I don't think they would believe it if I did tell any of them.   As I have all these flashbacks, I start to 2nd guess every one of them, wondering if I had stood up to him that time, wondering if I had done this or that... .like there was some magic formula that  would have made everything different... .  Part of my brain knows that's not true... .but part can't help but wonder about it - makes me feel like a rat in a maze.   One thing I've been doing is writing letters to myself when I was in a particular  situation (i.e.  Dear Darkhorse, age 43, on your 5 year anniversary vacation... .)  It really helps me to look at it in a bit more detached manner.  I reassure myself, "you did everything you could to make this work"... you got yourself into this situation because you are a kind and loving person. 

  Your question "how do I strip her of her power"? hit home.  We really don't need to strip the BPD of their power - probably couldn't if we tried... they are master manipulators!   But it  struck me today - as I was having trouble making a relatively minor decision-- that I had lost myself and  my power completely in this relationship.  We can't strip others of their power, we can only empower ourselves.    I just have to keep hoping (with the encouragement of folks on this website) that if we keep putting one foot in front of the other to increase our distance from "that person"... and conciously do things that love and honor ourselves that we will get our power back.    I want to be the happy adventurous and loving person I was when I met my ex, long ago.  I know I can do it, but I'm going to have to wade through some mud to get there for sure.  I know you can do it to.  Keep the Faith!   

[JaxWest]

Same here. I avoid places I think I will see her. I am terrified of her. I saw her on a campus a couple of weeks ago and freaked out... .jumped in my car and drove... .quickly... .It took a good 30 minutes to stop shaking.

[aquietcipher]

Thank you for the replies, all. I am sorry you are each going through this fear and anxiety too. Darkhorse, what you said about losing yourself and having to get yourself back really struck a chord. Before her, I loved my own company, and loved to go out for meals and to run errands as me-time, accompanied only by a book. Now, being alone scares and shatters me, and I look around everywhere, terrified she is in the area and judging me and my being alone. I don't understand why this is - is this really us reacting to the aftermath of the trauma? Some days, I wonder if it is PTSD, but then I dismiss it because it seems so unlikely. Harley, I think you behaved pretty admirably. I might have skipped gym altogether, and gone home to shake and replay the situation.

Were any of your exes explicitly and clearly emotionally abusive? My ex has always been so good at hiding it - she was politically correct, and would often tell me "there's no blame in a relationship" before proceeding to give me an itemised list of all the things I've done wrong, or go into a rage and text-shout an endless barrage at me. I often felt like I was crazy and unloving and unkind, that I could think these things of her, when she's clearly told me there is no blame she's attributing. It took me months of therapy to take apart her lies and see the contradiction, and to accept that she was indeed abusive.

How long have each of you been broken up? I know timelines don't always tally, but I was wondering if there will come a time, a milestone, when the frantic panic would dissolve or at least get better. Knowing that she's happy and with my replacement doesn't help. It's stupid, but I feel like I've "lost", in still hurting and grieving the loss of what we had (though I really don't want her back anymore), and struggling to heal. Why do they always walk away with no injury, and how in the world do they attract willing victims so easily? It is all terrifying.

[Dark horse]

I told my ex the marriage was over 6 weeks ago.  He moved out 9 days ago.  The wounds are fresh.  I have a friend who went through something similar and she said it took a couple of months for the constant anxiety to fade away... about a year,  to get where you are only troubled if you run into them and perhaps several years to get to the "thank goodness" (knowing that leaving was the best thing I ever did) stage.  I actually do think there is something like a PTSD syndrome at work here.  I've started to have flashbacks of terrible fights/rants and hateful things my ex said to me that I had completely forgotten about.  I think/hope its part of the processing part - it has to be better than leaving that stuff buried in your subconscious.   I also realized --as I think you are alluding to-- that there was a tremendous amount of emotional abuse that I never shared with anyone at all.  The abuse was in the form of dismissal ("I hate it for ya"... when you were sharing something difficult that had happened in your life), disinterest "well, that's always the way it is with xyz", distraction (texting/calling others rather than interacting with me), guilt (offering to pay for something then complaining about how much it cost later); to just downright verbal assault:  "The only reason I don't leave you is because a divorce would cost me too much".   The ridiculous shaming over laundry (don't ask me to fold these clothes of yours), the dishwasher (the dishwasher is full AGAIN!), to even more trivial items:  (Can I ask you a favor?  Could ya change a light bulb from time to time?  I do EVERYTHING around here to make this place nice for you!).   My ex would say, "you never say nice things to me"... .but when I would compliment him or thank him  I would have to repeat it 2 times before he would acknowledge it with an "hmmm-mmm" -- said with the tone of "its about time you said something appreciative, you ungrateful b^^tch"... .One of the thing that I realized about my ex is that he is very sophisticated in his ability to read people.  He knew how to charm/disarm/or insult with just a glance or tone.  We flatter ourselves that we know them so well... .but they know us REALLY well.  They know exactly how to hurt us with "a look", a little comment-- and its crushing.     I mean how could you explain that to a friend?   And when they do go on "the rant",  stuff that they come up with is so off base -  that a part of you thinks -- well, no normal person would ever come up with that -- so it must be true!    I did have one friend I shared a lot of the stuff with on several occasions.  She had a mother with BPD, so she actually had already recognized it in my ex... .  when I told her of the split she was so happy for me.  She said her "favorite" story was the one I had told her about my husband and I standing outside in the yard one day and he said, "I love you" and I said "Awe honey, I love you too"... .and he said, "I was talking to the dog".  Its a great little vignette I remind myself of when I feel  too "nostalgic"... .  Its those  "indirect" stabs, the said, but not said,  that was the most damaging of all. 

One thing I see that we all universally seem to "worry" and fuss over (myself included) is this concept that the BPD goes on and "is happy" with someone else, pouring salt on our lonely rejected open wounds .    These people can't be "happy"...   they will have a fantasy  (because they have no insight and are destined to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over)... that they will have finally found THE ONE!  ... .It will be just like they felt  with you  but they are destined to be disappointed and miserable all over again.  They may have the trappings on the outside of a great life, but imagine what turmoil and misery must always be brewing inside that would 1)make you so abusive to the people in the world who care about you the most and 2)be so painful to examine - that you simply cannot examine it and work on it - despite being given the opportunity to "see" the problem over and over and over again in your life.    It has to be a horrible existence, probably a living hell in fact.   I think my ex really did love me as much as he had the capacity to do... .None of this excuses the behavior, just explains it, hopefully adds a little sense of value to your contribution to relationship and to your (now ex-) partner.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi aquietcipher,

I threw him out of my home on 16th February.  He was sectioned soon after but not admitted.  We maintained LC for a couple of weeks (I was still in FOG but knew what I needed to do and built myself up to the moment) then went full NC.  Initially I got a few messages every 5 days or so then we went 2 weeks and I thought great we're there however I then started to get them every couple of days ('please speak to me - why are you ignoring me?' etc.) so I sent 'the last message' to clarify and have never replied to anything he sent me before or after that.  So I'd say it's been 3 months NC.  

I think because I'd read so much beforehand and had some major revelations it helped me enormously to gather strength even before we went NC and I was already taking antidepressants from January as I'd hit rock bottom emotionally and physically, so from there the only way was up really.  I do think the SSRI has helped me to regulate my own emotions better through this.  :)on't think I haven't had countless meltdowns though!  I quickly implemented some self care by way of returning to the gym and contacting literally every source of help I could find, was open with my friends and family about the level of abuse (yes very very real and transparent - both emotional and eventually physical in the end) and was getting professional help with that before the split.  I felt very supported through the transition from LC to NC.  My friends would congratulate me on how well I was doing by not responding to his pleas and my family were visibly relieved.  I've had comments that I seem more like 'me' again and so much less anxious (had been having terrible panic attacks).  :)idn't make it any less painful though.  I cried so much so often and it felt like my heart was torn out of my chest.  Leaving him has I think been the hardest thing I've done in my life.  It's like trying to kick the worst drug addiction imaginable.  I have to keep busy and every free second I have lately is spent reading these boards and now posting (finally).  Being replaced so quickly was bitter sweet.  I felt relief that I'd not be getting the painful heartfelt messages but destroyed simultaneously.  Ironically I still had a message just over a week ago where he states I'm the only person he's ever known in his life who actually has a heart and soul (he's with a new woman?) and that's why he was reaching out to me for help.  I've not responded.  Know when I'm being played.  It was another 'I've got my life into a total mess but I don't take responsibility for it - it's someone else's fault - and I need you to speak to my solicitor ... .' appeal.  

So yes I believe this grief process is going to take some time to work through and I'm confident that I'll remember all this forever and will probably always feel some level of love towards him.  What I choose to do with that memory is the key thing.  I choose to use it to spur me on to become a better more balanced person, seek fulfilment for myself in my own life without looking to others to provide me with that and to live up to my own dreams and goals rather than give myself excuses not to (like being derailed by others' needs/demands).  I'm not sure what the milestone will be if there is one.  Perhaps someone who's gotten further down the road can advise on that.  I think every time we do something that is for us going to help our future to be better than our past that's a milestone in itself.  There's so much internal turmoil yet to unravel for me (still having nightmares yet no longer every night) but I guess a personal milestone is seeing clearly enough to recognise that... .and actively seeking ways to deal with my own 'stuff'.
 
I don't blame him any more.  I'm grateful that everything happened the way it did because it brought me to the place I find myself now.  One that has me feeling broken and vulnerable, yet open to whatever is coming next for me and optimistic all at the same time.  I can go any direction I choose.  Kind of freeing.  

Challenges, goals, distractions, doing what we love with activities we enjoy and make us happy, self awareness and honesty with ourselves are good places to start.  We must accept these emotions and work through them.  They can't be ignored.  It's hard.  Really hard.  But we can do it.  Especially knowing that we're not alone in this.  Look after yourself the best way you can.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Actually... .I have a voice message on my phone which is from before the NC, when we were on LC.  He talks about how he knows we'll never be together again and how he misses me, from all the little things we did together to all the big things and that he thinks about that every night and it pains him so.  He goes on to say he really does love me and always will.  Then says he is sorry for being the way he is.  He was very self aware.  He knew what he did to me yet still made those choices.  Which is why it would never be healthy for me to contemplate going back (although I pleaded with the universe for him to get better and come back to me at the time).  I've not listened to it for 2 months and was thinking I'm weak for not being able to delete it.  It's just such a comfort to hear him sounding genuine, truthful and well, HIM.  I saw so little of the him I knew at the end and this seemed like a rare glimpse.  (Yes I realise it's all a fiction and the logic in me fully understands which stage this comes from, yet will the heart listen?... .)

So last night (probably because I saw him Friday) I sat and played it and you know what?  I didn't cry.

MILESTONE!

OK so still not deleted, but baby steps 

Love and light x

[lovenature]

Welcome aquietcipher

You strip her of her power by remaining NC and learning enough about BPD to understand how truly sad it is and just how serious a mental illness you were dealing with.
I understand you're fear of running into your ex., mine lives across the street from me and I have altered my routine for some time to avoid seeing her but it does inevitably happen from time to time. The more I learned and the longer I remained NC on my end the better it has gotten.
If you do run into her just ignore her, if she engages you then politely tell her you need to be elsewhere, be as non-emotional as possible.

[Harley Quinn]

My psych nurse when I went for my initial consultation said much the same as lovenature does there.  I was anxious about what to do or say if I crossed paths with the ex now and she said to calmly say 'I can't continue this conversation; I have to go' and walk away.  I've repeated this over and over in my head now, so that I'm prepared should he ever attempt to engage.  I find it helps me enormously to have the words there at the ready and that is exactly what I'll do when the time inevitably comes.  Stay strong.

Love and light x