Tired of the lies and secrets

[Vanentino]

I just want to know what really happened. How the. Ad got wrecked. Where she was when it happened. Where she was going to or coming from. Who she was with. This happened 8 months ago and simply asking any of these questions results in instant anger and days of punishment in the form of the silent treatment. She then has all that time to do more things that I will be punished for asking about. What did you do yesterday? Will result in being attacked because she sees it as an accusation not a conversation starter. Does she really have that much to hide or is she just that sensitive about not being trustworthy? If I crashed the car I couldn't stop myself from telling anyone who asked the whole story.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AnuDay]

Welcome to the world of BPD.  No you will never know the full truth.  They must avoid shame and blame at ALL costs.  And when I say all.  I mean ALL.  Please share more posts about your relationship. 

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Vanentino,

Welcome to the boards. Sorry to hear you are left confused about a situation that occurred awhile back. Sadly, you may never know details of whatever happened. Perhaps a different approach might help, but as with some people with BPD, it's hard for them to look at their own faults.

[Vanentino]

Thank for the welcome and replies. Even though I have been married to this person for 35 years I just don't understand that my version of logic is almost meaningless. She has her own logic. She was only recently given a BPD diagnosis, after entering rehab for the accident mentioned. I've spent years in individual counseling and some time in couples counseling. The couples was a waste of time, money, and energy. She could be so adamant that she did nothing wrong , I was often viewed as delusional. The individual helped me greatly but lately I am having trouble "hiding my buttons" and she is skilled at knowing which ones to push. My job has me working an erratic schedule so it is hard to commit to a weekly or bi monthly scheduled session. I hope that some support here will aid in maintaining a cool head and accepting the reality of her disorder. The diagnosis and subsequent study of borderline certainly explained a lot of the past 35 years. I just feel worn down and unable to keep dealing with this sometimes completely unreal reality. I'll try to keep moving forward and leave the past behind but after some of the things I have read about relationships with a BPD, my past experiences may be valuable to others. It was not a horrible 35 years. She now knows what she is dealing with. I am learning what I must do to understand and better communicate. Maybe it will get better.   Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings.