New and feeling a bit hopeless.

[Sunsets]

I am new here & This is my first post. I will try to be concise in the hopes that others will have some suggestions as to boundaries I can hold in my situation. I found this platform full of insight and helpful dialogue and I’m thankful for stumbling upon it.
My 19 year old daughter lives with me she is the youngest of three.  she’s shown BPD signs over the past four or five years as noted by her then therapist as well. She has been in and out of therapy since age 7. She most recently completed an IOP, and after that showed the most progress. She’s been diagnosed with ADHD. (No longer takes meds), OCD, is medicated for anxiety/depression, but also is very likely on the spectrum, albeit mildly. This was noticed from the time she was three years old. She now needs a psychiatrist for medication management, but no shows for the appointments 
Compared to many others here my situation is not as volatile currently, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. She is enrolled in college, full-time online, does not drive, barely leaves the house, does not take care of her self hygienically  And rebels against any request to keep her space clean, do laundry, and doesn’t proactively do any chores - only when pestered. Those are ones set of concerns.  After  moving in together with my long-term BF a few months ago, she targeted him and showed some splitting behaviors. Ultimately her rage turned to me and my choices. I’m very afraid this will escalate or continue. She holds no space for opinions opposing hers or being called out on anything. No accountability. Over the last couple of years, she has targeted primarily me and has created , false, hurtful, and outrageous stories about her family, life or her living situation to teachers, friends, and friends’ families. Without going into those details, we had to remove her from the school setting & she completed school online. She’s had one job which she promptly quit when she felt slighted by the management and coworkers. She currently is unemployed  And all but refuses to continue to look for jobs. She’s in therapy once a week, but refuses DBT therapy in addition to her talk therapy. 
As with many of you, I am the source of all of her angst and problems stemming back to her childhood.  Anything I do is seen as controlling and she is now pushing back against me being involved in anything. She wants to play the adult card, but is also fully financially dependent upon us. How do others of you handle this type of a situation? She does not exhibit the  Explosive anger or violent destructive behaviors as other BPDs do but she definitely exhibits others and has about five of the criteria in my opinion (unstable sense of self, fear of abandonment, extremely unstable, interpersonal relationships, binge eating,). If things are not cater to her or her liking, she is defiant and unhappy. And I don’t know where to go from here. I feel at this point like I have a literally tried everything. Now if I make an appointment she no-shows or cancels it. I sought a professional help and that therapist suggested that we tell her that she will do DBT therapy or we can’t continue living together. I’m seeing now that ultimatums are pointless. I saw some suggestions for house rules on one of these posts which I really liked but that therapist did not think that any of these things were attainable for my daughter until she got the help she needed. That was very discouraging but it makes a lot of sense. I am so worried she won’t be able to launch in this world and I only want the best for her but I’m tired of being a Target. The saying “iI hate you don’t leave me“ feels very real most of the time.
For myself I’ve enrolled myself in some online classes and I’m on the waitlist for a DBT type course as well  Help  thank you for any insight or suggestions.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome, Sunsets,
 .  She is in school and she is in talk therapy- that is positive on her side of things, and you are seeking help and a network for yourself.  We are glad you have reached out to us and are including us in your help network.  Here is some reading from this website on boundaries   https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
 The trick is to find something small to start with and think of consequences you are able to enforce and can live with.  You can use us as a sounding board if you'd like. It is a lot of trial and error here and no one size fits all.  In my case, my bpd son ( now adult) busted through every one of my boundaries I put up while he lived with me until he crossed a line with violence , then I had no choice but have a restraining order. 
I am happy to hear your daughter is not violent at this point .

However, the first thing is that you shore up your self. I suggest reading here through the website and reading the suggested readings in the Library . One popular book that has helped me is "Stop Walking on Eggshells".   Surprisingly it states the way to help our BPD is to help ourselves first.  Other things that have helped some of us here is joining an online 12-step program ( free) , like CODA ( Co-dependents Anonymous) .  I have learned detachment .  This whole journey takes time, patience, and is a long game.  We are here for you , please write to us as you are able and we are here to support you.

[Sunsets]

Thank you so much Swimmy. Thanks for the book recommendation & the boundaries link. In my situation consequences have been so hard to establish!  She does not drive, or need or ask for much.  She isolates 90% of her days.  The cell phone is about it.  I’m sure there are some I haven’t considered and hope to continue learning and appreciate the  response and input.

[CC43]

Hi Sunsets,

I think you've come to the right place.  There are many parents on these boards who struggle relating to their adult children with BPD and enforcing healthy boundaries, while at the same time protecting their own sanity and well-being.  I bet you've had many ups and downs in recent years trying to support your daughter.

Without diminishing any of the challenges you've faced with your beloved daughter, it sounds to me like she's at least moderately functional.  She has a track record of getting treatment (no doubt thanks to you), and she's engaged with school online.  She's had some work experience, no matter how minimal.  Based on that alone, I think you have reason to be hopeful.

As she's exhibited a number of BPD behaviors, there's probably little doubt that she is, to some degree, emotionally handicapped.  Now that's she's 19, she's facing an increasingly demanding, adult world, with adult-level relationships, obligations and expectations placed on her.  But emotionally, she might have some real deficits to catch up on.  In some ways, she probably seems childish.  Examples might include feeling entitled, expectations to be the center of attention, distress/frustration intolerance, impulsive decision-making, impatience, demandingness, lack of empathy for others' perspectives, taking everything personally, easily distractibility, difficulties planning or maintaining focus, difficulties deferring gratification, inability to take responsibility, catastrophizing everything, etc.  Does that sound about right?  The resultant childish behaviors might include tantrums, impulsivity, sudden quitting, storming off, lashing out, inappropriate reactions, out-of-control crying over minor issues, holding grudges, not ever apologizing or making misguided attempts at retaliation.  Sound familiar?

I've found that when thinking about my adult stepdaughter with BPD, it's helpful to think in terms of an emotional age, and adjust my expectations accordingly.  Though she often plays the "adult card," and though she enjoys adult privileges like a driver's license and no curfew, emotionally she's basically about 70% of her chronological age.  So when she was 18, she really acted like a 13-year-old.  At 21, she was functionally 15.  And at 25, she was basically acting 18, and barely ready for a semi-autonomous college environment.  I'm hoping that by 30, she might reach the emotional maturity of a full adult.  This approach helps me adjust expectations for her ability vis-a-vis "adulting," and at the same time, it gives me a little hope for progress with the right therapy and support system.

Do you think your daughter believes she has issues to work on, or does she blame you for all her problems?  Is she committed to therapy, at least when she attends her appointments?  I think that her commitment to therapy will be important for your daughter, because therapy IS work.  My stepdaughter wasn't really committed to therapy at first.  She had to hit "bottom" a couple of times before she took it seriously.  Once she did that, things started to turn around for her.  Yes, she did have some setbacks, and she did skip a number of sessions, but generally speaking she's on the right track now.  

Anyway, after observing my stepdaughter struggle with BPD for several years, I'd say there were a number of major difficulties for her.  First was her decision to self-medicate with marijuana.  This made her BPD behaviors much worse, including periods of delusion and paranoia.  My advice to you would be to do everything in your power not to enable your daughter to use illicit substances.

A second major challenge was my stepdaughter's hair-trigger, trauma-like response to ordinary stressors.  By trauma-like response, I mean a fight or flight response.  Flight would manifest as avoidance, quitting, storming off in protest, blocking communications or holing up in her room for weeks.  Fight would manifest as over-the-top fits of anger and rage, in person or by text.  Does that sound about right to you?

A third major challenge was her pervasive negativity, distorted thinking patterns and rumination.  My stepdaughter would detect "abuse" from all the important people in her life, including extended family, former friends, schoolmates or co-workers.  She assumed that others had bad intentions, she took things the wrong way, and she constantly felt hurt by others.  Worse, she would re-play negative events in her mind obsessively, ruminating on them so much that facts became distorted and her adverse emotional response became a distraction to her.  She'd complain that she was so consumed with these thoughts (often from the distant past) that she couldn't concentrate on anything else.  By the same token, she lacked self-confidence and assumed the worst about herself.  Her overall demeanor was negative and tending towards hopelessness.  She got stuck in a negative thinking rut, ruminating about the past, rather than thinking about the future.  I think she was so overwhelmed by the challenges of adulthood and scared of the future (totally unsure of who she was or what she wanted) that she regressed to thinking about memories from childhood, feeling bizarrely comforted by ruminating about the past!  But I think this negativity tended to taint her recollections of friends and family, making her dislike everyone, including herself, and especially her looks.  She's a beautiful woman, and yet she became obsessed with every minor "flaw."  Compounding the problem was the fact that she spent inordinate time with social media, observing how peers seemed to have perfectly curated fun, achieving adult milestones, while she was miserable, rotting away in her childhood bedroom.  I suspect that glimpses of "fake life" through social media only distorted her thinking patterns even more.  No wonder she was depressed.  If it were up to me, I would have made her buy her own phone and internet/data plan, so that she would have to work at least a minimal amount in the real world to afford the luxury of social media.  I know, that might not make sense to you, but I feel that retreating to a bedroom and consuming social media only fed her negative thinking patterns, and that she would have benefited by getting up, getting dressed and getting out in the real world alongside peers, even if her sole motivation was to have her own phone.

Finally, my stepdaughter struggled with a victim attitude.  You see, she accused many people of abusing her.  At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but over time, I observed that the fact patterns in her retelling of events were highly distorted, almost beyond recognition.  Moreover, I'd eventually learn what was really going on in her life--she'd face a disappointment or a setback, react poorly to it, and then fabricate some story to blame someone else for what she did, lashing out with rage in the process.  Her stories of abuse were effectively an EXCUSE for her own poor decisions or behavior.  She always portrayed herself as a victim.  I think that a victim attitude might be one of the worst parts of BPD, because it makes her believe that she's powerless and has no agency in her life.  She has no accountability, responsibility or control over herself.  She thinks that everyone else is to blame, and that everyone else has to change, not her.  So getting rid of the victim mindset (or diminishing it) is a crucial step in accepting therapy and starting to feel better, in my humble opinion.  Feeling responsible, in control and conscientious is what being an adult is really about, right?

I'll sum up by saying that the worst time for my stepdaughter was when she was living with us and NEETT--not in education, employment, training or therapy.  My advice to you would be, do not enable your daughter to be NEETT.  Since she is pursuing an education right now, even if only part-time, that's a good sign to me.  But my stepdaughter was NEET for an extended period.  You'd think that being on a perpetual "vacation" would be enjoyable, right?   But no, my stepdaughter was absolutely miserable, because by doing nothing, she felt like nothing.  If had been up to me, I wouldn't have let her do that.  So a boundary could be, all adults in your household must not be NEETT.  If your daughter wants to be NEETT, then fine, that's her choice as an adult, but not in your household or financed by you.

All my best to you.

[Sunsets]

Thank you CC43 for the response.  So much of what you shared is so very familiar, which is validating in its own sense, when you feel so alone and few people who could relate to talk to.  It helps to hear experiences of others to know you are not. 
Your mention of thinking of your daughter's emotional age as 70% of her chrono age was very helpful!  Did you still expect her to find employment at19 despite those emotional deficits?
I do think that very deep down she knows she has some things to work on but on the surface and to me, she vacillates.  One week she said she thinks she has BPD, we talk, feels like a breakthrough, and then fast fwd two weeks she claims she does not and refuses starting DBT therapy.  Yes she still blames me, mostly, for her problems.  She is committed to the therapy she WANTS to do, and she goes weekly which as you mentioned is a positive.  She refuses therapy with me - so, with her creating the entire narrative I am not very optimistic about the 'work' being done, all things considered. 
Your comments about pervasive negativity and victim mentality resonate SO STRONGLY! I've found that taking accountability is non-existent in situations where she created the severe consequences, and that the people who were hurt in the process needed to move on or find something else to talk about.  In addition, everyone else needed to accommodate her discomfort the others were 'creating', not so much the others'. 
Thankfully yes she is in school and therapy and your suggestion about not being NEETT I agree with.  However, how to enforce that boundary (if it becomes necessary) I'm not sure about but will def think about. I continue to read and educate myself.
I appreciate the input!

[North Carolina]

Thank you. Reading this thread has given me just what I was searching for, commonality.  So many things resonated for me.