Not sure what to do

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I mentioned earlier in the week that I had sent her the tickets to some festival which she asked me to get for her during the March/April recycle that we would go to for a birthday gift. The day I was notified that the transfer of the tickets went through I got an email in my spam folder. That was last Friday. Deep down, I just want to rip the band aid off and get it over with.

It would not be a nice message because whenever she tried to reach out to make amends, etc. there were always follow up contacts within a couple days. More than likely it says something like "I don't want the tickets. Leave me alone or something." But a part of me just wants to get it over with. Ideas or feedback or what you would do would be helpful.

[roberto516]

I mentioned earlier in the week that I had sent her the tickets to some festival which she asked me to get for her during the March/April recycle that we would go to for a birthday gift. The day I was notified that the transfer of the tickets went through I got an email in my spam folder. That was last Friday. Deep down, I just want to rip the band aid off and get it over with.

It would not be a nice message because whenever she tried to reach out to make amends, etc. there were always follow up contacts within a couple days. More than likely it says something like "I don't want the tickets. Leave me alone or something." But a part of me just wants to get it over with. Ideas or feedback or what you would do would be helpful.

[panhead67]

Hi Roberto,

I have red your posts through the weeks. I have seen how far you have come. I would ask you, what could she possibly say that would change what is. With our experience, we can prob surmise the email is either unkindness, indifference of a sort, or an attempt to bait/recycle.

What would you tell your best friend or brother to do? I know you know this already, but can you trust her to be in your life, or with your heart. I read this on a post and have been hanging onto it, for me the answer is a definite no.
How would this affect your recovery and your heart right now. I might be effed up for weeks.I would be.
I deleted all contact information and am practicing nc.   

[roberto516]

The urge only arises when I hear any type of news. It seems like the person I supervise, and her friend, is going to take the job where she is now. I guess I'm conditioned that when I feel these emotions my first urge is to reach out to her for something. Either I wanted to read a bad message to just reinforce my feelings at that time or I wanted to read something kind that would make me feel better. It's sickening.

And a part of me knows that no matter what it said I wouldn't have the restraint not to reply. By me just not responding, or even reading it, I really am growing each day I think.

I still have to get over the fact that everything is falling in her lap. I wanted to believe in karma so much (even though I do love her) but I just don't know how you can use people for what you need and always come out on top. Thanks for the reply though. It means a lot.

[once removed]

theres not a lot of good reason to read it in this case.

it could be, as you say "i dont want the tickets, leave me alone".

it could also be "thanks for the tickets! that was nice of you!"

it could be a long detailed apology. it could be a long detailed litany of not nice things directed at you.

a couple of those options would be more ideal, but wouldnt really enrich your life or influence the direction youre going in. a couple of those options could be about still hurt feelings which also wouldnt enrich your life.

[Emotions]

If you could have a wish, what would you like the email to say? What are the chances it would actually say it? What are the OTHER possibilities of what the email could say? How would you feel with each possible response? If it were me, there would only be ONE of of about five possibilities that I would like to read, and that is a fat chance unfortunately... .so I think you know the answer to this, it's just not what you want to hear unfortunately... .stay strong, and I wish you strength and the ability to center yourself... .peace Roberto

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

Regret is an extremely uncomfortable feeling.  So my question to you is, which would make you more likely to regret?  Reading or deleting?

Love and light x

[roberto516]

a couple of those options would be more ideal, but wouldnt really enrich your life or influence the direction youre going in. a couple of those options could be about still hurt feelings which also wouldnt enrich your life.

Very good point. Nothing it says will help me on the path to moving forward. If it's mean or dismissive I'll feel bad. If it's kind and thankful I'll feel bad. If it's something absolutely unexpected like forwarding me the tickets back or something it will be really bad.

This week I realized that it's over. I posted something about that. Anything but no contact is going to hold me back. And as I said, and I have to admit it, not replying in anyway gives me a feeling of control back. Because it's my choice now. I'm not chasing her around anymore trying to respond or have her see rationale of how good I treated her. I have control of this situation. I do feel better. As soon as those initial trigger shocks wear off I come back to not wanting to look. I just hope that it's not a real strong trigger soon that has me looking. But in 3 more weeks the spam folder will delete itself. I can make it until then. I know I can.

And Harley, it's a very good question. I think the fact that I only want to look at it when I feel triggered shows me what I need for myself. When I'm in a good spot I have no desire to check it. I think that's really what my brain is telling me.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

Your resolve is amazing!  I have to be totally honest.  It's probably a bit sadistic but curiosity would probably get the better of me, yet I am 150% confident that I would not respond no matter what it said.  This has already been tested thoroughly.  We have to know when we are safe and when we are not though and act accordingly to protect ourselves.  If it would hurt you or hinder your healing in any way, you are making the right decision.  I admire your determination.

Love and light x   

[roberto516]

Hi roberto,

Your resolve is amazing!  I have to be totally honest.  It's probably a bit sadistic but curiosity would probably get the better of me, yet I am 150% confident that I would not respond no matter what it said.  This has already been tested thoroughly.  We have to know when we are safe and when we are not though and act accordingly to protect ourselves.  If it would hurt you or hinder your healing in any way, you are making the right decision.  I admire your determination.

Love and light x   

Well I gotta be honest. I don't think it's so much resolve as it is fear based. I get so scared when I have those trigger moments. I will literally tell myself "Okay just open it and get it over with" I'll go outside to smoke a cigarette and then I get so scared that I back away from it and never do it. I think the fear is honestly based off the finality of it. Knowing that something I did for her during the recycle, as a way to prove to her that I had changed and wanted to treat her to more trips and stuff, will be so dismissed or just thanked away.

As emotions posed with his comment, anything but one answer would not make it worth reading. And if I got that one answer, which I would bet my life savings on that it isn't that, I would probably end up feeling even worse. Because if it was something like "I'm sorry. Can we get together. Can you call me? etc" I would feel gutted. Because I know the relationship is dead and it will always be dead. No matter how much time passes, no matter how much work is done on ourselves. It's dead. And it will never come back. So I think I'm going to let the email hang out in spam limbo for 3 more weeks before it too eventually dies and is automatically deleted.

[Harley Quinn]

I hear bravery there.  And self compassion.

Stay strong,

Love and light x

[Kelli Cornett]

It's an email... .
I'd read it rather than spend energy thinking about whether to  or not to
 but know regardless of what it says it changes nothing and means nothing...

You've already experienced the if it says this I'd feel that, etc so in a sense your are already feeling your response...


So read it, print it and burn it... .

Have a good Friday

[roberto516]

It's an email... .
I'd read it rather than spend energy thinking about whether to  or not to
 but know regardless of what it says it changes nothing and means nothing...

You've already experienced the if it says this I'd feel that, etc so in a sense your are already feeling your response...


So read it, print it and burn it... .

Have a good Friday

Well as I said the temptation to read it only cones when I feel a trigger. Usually once a day. I really wish it was that easy. But I know myself, anything I read will just gnaw at me to reply no matter what it says. Then I lose my NC time (9 days somehow) and will end up being mad at myself for replying.

I am learning to embrace being out of control of this and that I have lost her forever. But this is one thing I do have control over. And a part of me, albeit unhealthy part, hopes that by breaking the normal pattern of me replying and communicating that she really does realize I'm not ever going to speak to her again. I sent her the tickets as a good gesture and 9 days ago sent her an apology and admittance of the role I played in the break up with my selfishness, lack of empathy, and stuff. Not taking total blame. Bit letting her know my part.

I want those to be the last things she knw about me. Will it matter? No. She doesn't even think about me anymore and probably has someone else lined up. But it's what I need and want. And I have to stick to it. I knw the pride i will feel when it disappears from spam and I know I'm at 30 plus days of NC.

Hopefully I grow each day so that I will be somewhat more indifferent when it actually does happen.

[IsThisThingOn]

It's an email... .
I'd read it rather than spend energy thinking about whether to  or not to
 but know regardless of what it says it changes nothing and means nothing...

You've already experienced the if it says this I'd feel that, etc so in a sense your are already feeling your response...


So read it, print it and burn it... .

Have a good Friday

Reading it, printing it, and burning it is super easy to say... .I hope to reach this exact place at some point. Hopefully sooner than later.

In the meantime... .process as much as you need, seek suppport, do what's right for you. Self care, self love. HEALING. Moving forward when all you want to do is crumble.

There is no "right" answer in my opinion yet so many offer their opinions as the right answer and what you absolutely should do. I appreciate so much the support from those here going through the same, especially the ones who ask questions that make you think. Solid questions I can think about help me find the answer within myself. Unless it comes from each and every one of us in our own individual situations based off of how WE feel it won't matter. You heal because you find the right path for yourself. The support is wonderful and absolutely priceless. But free will is something we all lost at some point in our relationships with our current or our exes. Free will.

That's my answer. YOU decide.

[lovenature]

Put your health and sanity first over any material things you can do without.
If you really want to detach I recommend total NC and learn as much as you can about BPD and your role in it: the further out you get the clearer things will become. ANY attention you give a PWBPD shows them an attachment is still in place and they will not leave you alone.
It's tough to go from a flicker of hope to none at all Roberto, but once you get there you realize it is the best for both partners.

[earlyL]

You may have made a decision by now, but I once ask a friend to read an email from my ex out loud to me. It was actually a really good way of hearing it differently and took a lot of the emotion out for me. It of course depends on the friend, and this was someone I could trust and knew would support me through it, and I appreciate that having that person around at the right time if you felt like reading it might be difficult but thought I would share.