Attempting to change my pwBPD

[joeramabeme]

I came across some old journal notes today that I thought were interesting for discussion.

I wrote; I was attempting to change you so that I did not have to be alone and face my fears.  I recognize that this is my responsibility and that I secretly labelled my needs as your problems because I wanted them to be met. 

Given that some of us are still freshly separated, I understand this may be a stretch and/or hard to hear.  But in having re-read it today, I felt there was an undeniable element of truth to it that was worth sharing.

Anyone relate?

[patientandclear]

In my own case, I looked to my BPDex to show up as he said he would or wanted to. He said he was trying to grow and change for his own reasons.

That was mostly wishful thinking each time, but that doesn't mean I had an agenda to change him. He said he did. I responded because that made sense. But either he was saying those things to get me to respond, or he was sincere but just didn't have the skills.

One more thought: wanting your needs to be met is not necessarily doing harm to your partner. Sometimes our needs aren't healthy -- attending to that is all of our job -- but when they are, there's no need to pathologize one's desire for one's partner to care.

[roberto516]

I agree to a point with this. Especially when I wanted her to show more care and compassion for me after a death in my family. In a way, I would say I was trying to have her be the caretaker during that dark depression. But on the flip side, I think that it wasn't necessarily something that was too much to ask from a partner? It's thought provoking nonetheless.

[joeramabeme]

but when they are, there's no need to pathologize one's desire for one's partner to care.

Patient, Thanks for saying this.  Perhaps this is another twist of my mind that seeks to quietly put the blame on me - which gives me a perverse sense of comfort (or is it a sense of control?).  Either way, I agree, no need to pathologize my own desires, rather, deal with them on a healthy level.