Taking the step to separate confuses and scares me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I contemplate separating all the time from my partner but the actual concrete step of doing it throws me into fear and remorse. It's like I am pulled into "I hate you; don't leave me" myself.
Every time he gets angry at me over nothing it is emotional turmoil and I tell myself 'this isn't worth it'. Then I end up initiating a conversation (because he stops speaking to me) and then we go for the next round.
I hate being blamed and criticized all the time; or simply just being married and alone. I fantasize about going.
But the fear is so much; I feel isolated. I fear he'll leave the country. I fear losing the kids, I fear losing his support in childrearing. I fear what it will do to the kids if they lose him or me. I wonder what will happen to him. I told him in the last breakup a short time ago that I will trust him and be kind, since he hasn't given me any reason not to. He's in turmoil all the time and has terrible coping skills (deny, avoid, and blame) but he isn't violent or malicious.
Then I tell myself just face the fear and let the chips fall where they may and deal with it. I feel like I'm so worn out by instability and change I don't want to take on more instability and change in order to leave.
I've been in this place for a decade. We have two beautiful kids. I don't think I can handle them alone. On the other hand, I'm almost always alone with them anyway. I do the drop off, I go to work, I do the pick up, I make the meals, etc. Maybe it would be fine... .
Why can't I just take the leap?
Why do I feel like if he broke up with me, I could move on in peace?

[Dedicated Mom]

I contemplate separating all the time from my partner but the actual concrete step of doing it throws me into fear and remorse. It's like I am pulled into "I hate you; don't leave me" myself.
Every time he gets angry at me over nothing it is emotional turmoil and I tell myself 'this isn't worth it'. Then I end up initiating a conversation (because he stops speaking to me) and then we go for the next round.
I hate being blamed and criticized all the time; or simply just being married and alone. I fantasize about going.
But the fear is so much; I feel isolated. I fear he'll leave the country. I fear losing the kids, I fear losing his support in childrearing. I fear what it will do to the kids if they lose him or me. I wonder what will happen to him. I told him in the last breakup a short time ago that I will trust him and be kind, since he hasn't given me any reason not to. He's in turmoil all the time and has terrible coping skills (deny, avoid, and blame) but he isn't violent or malicious.
Then I tell myself just face the fear and let the chips fall where they may and deal with it. I feel like I'm so worn out by instability and change I don't want to take on more instability and change in order to leave.
I've been in this place for a decade. We have two beautiful kids. I don't think I can handle them alone. On the other hand, I'm almost always alone with them anyway. I do the drop off, I go to work, I do the pick up, I make the meals, etc. Maybe it would be fine... .
Why can't I just take the leap?
Why do I feel like if he broke up with me, I could move on in peace?

[babyducks]

Hi Dedicated Mom,

Welcome.   

Just like you said these are complicated and difficult relationships with the push/pull cycles creating a roller coaster that is rough to ride and hard to get off of.

It's a tough decision to make and like you listed there are both good reasons for leaving and good reasons for staying.

If you look over on the right hand side of the screen there is a box with the five steps that can help walk you through the decision making process.    Take a look.   Let us know what you see that hits home.

How old are your children?   

'ducks

[Lucky Jim]

Why do I feel like if he broke up with me, I could move on in peace?

Hey Dedicated Mom, I can relate, because I used to have similar fantasies about my BPDxW leaving me, but the reality is that it's your life and your decision.  You're the Captain of your ship, which is both empowering and frightening, I suspect.  The key is finding the right path for YOU.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim