Introduction

[numb17]

 
I really don't know where to start! My life was great up until about 2 years ago. My husband became depressed and acting in ways I had never experienced with him before. Threats of suicide, making false claims about me, just being nasty at times. Last year, while on vacation out of State, I knew we needed help. I say we because it take WE in any marriage. So back from vacation I made an appointment with a therapist and our family physician. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD. So we rock along with therapy, which wasn't going well at times. I also found him a PTSD support group which I attend as well. Our physician recommended another therapist and things started happening for the better. However, things would get rocky yet again about every 4-5 weeks. During these dark times for my husband he would leave the house then text me he's just going to end it all. I of course became very upset and frantic on trying to find him. Once he was found or returned home he would act as if I had just made a mistake of his words and would tell me he never made such comments. These episodes were at least once a month.  Comments have been made about our love life and how I am acting towards him. Comments of how miserable he is etc. After 2 years this wears a soul down. The last straw was this May when coming back from a trip out of town. I requested that we stop for a quick lunch in town before heading home. (I'm diabetic and needed to eat) but he tells me we will get something down the road. (at the gas station) These are not good choices for me. So 2 hours later, I'm shaky and just feeling bad and he asks me if I'm upset with him. I tell him that I needed to eat 2 hours ago and that my needs had not been considered. He storms out of the storm and sits in the truck. I'm driving the next leg of the trip so we get back on the highway and just a few miles down the road he tells me to pull over he wants out. I told him we don't have time to stop. He continues to tell me pull over I want out. We are 3 states away from home, I was not pulling over! So next thing I know he unbuckles his seatbelt, unlocks the door and opens it. I reach for him, actually hitting him in the chest. He's yelling at me as I'm slamming on the brakes. Then he just closes the door. Needless to say I began counseling once we arrived home. My counselor suggested I read, Stop Walking on Eggshells, taking your life back when someone you are about has BPD. So much of this book is about US. So, here I am... .I'm trying very hard to rebuild our relationship and to rebuild me but I'm not real sure he is on board with any of it. Again, things rock along for a while then bang... .there it is. I'm trying really hard to set my boundaries and limits. I told him about a month ago, one more time and I was done. Well that one more time happened yesterday! I'm scared to death, but most of all just so very sad. So many hurtful things said to me! Yet, I feel that once I walk out there will never be anymore us. It truly makes me sad to think that he doesn't get it... .he doesn't care! I'm on a rollercoaster that I really want off of, but yet I feel bad for him. Sad for him. He is from Australia, but does have some family here in the States. So I've heard all the threats of I'll just go back... .I'll just leave and you will never see me again. So is that really a bad thing? I know I need to take care of me, but I've taken care of others all my life. My first marriage was with an abuser... .
I'm dazed and confused... .I'm numb... .I'm heartbroken... .I'm angry... .I'm? Yet last night he points out to me that I've made him to feel like a child, unloved, unwanted and not respected over the last 2 years. WHAT?
I'm not even sure I belong here since he's not been diagnosed with BPD. I'm just trying to find a few answers... .trying to cope, trying to deal with my pain, trying to heal.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi numb17,

I am certainly no professional and have no idea what to say other than I am here and I am so sorry to hear about how much pain you are in. I know how scary these episodes with partners can be when you don't know if you are in a relationship or not or what will happen.

You say your life was great up until 2 years ago, was your husband not depressed before that time? Or is that when the relationship started?

You sound like a very caring partner to give what you have given and it's great that you've sought out some counseling for these tough issues.

There is a lot to read here on the site. Perhaps take some time with it and see if it can help you narrow things down. If it is PTSD you may need other resources, but here there are good resources that I think can help anyone in a difficult relationship. We all need to improve our communication skills, and at the least there is the chance for that here. Oh wait, on a reread you saw that the book Stop Walking on Eggshells resonated with you. So, perhaps there are multiple issues going on with him?

I think as you read here, if you really do want to stay with him, perhaps avoid the "one more time or I'm done" phrasing. I think people with BPD take that as a rejection and it can actually backfire. You can think that, but saying it might actually be counter productive. I find that when I reassure my guy that I'm here and working with him it helps him stay calmer and actually deescalates things. Of course inside yes, I do wonder if this is what I want and I wish I had a better plan incase one day I want to call it quits, but I simply don't put that idea into play conversationally because he would just spin it around in his head, be very insecure and afraid, and then spiral out a bit.

PTSD is another set of issues. Wow. I hope he is getting some help for that being as serious as you have described it. Oh, how that saddens me to imagine that day you had!

Take care dear!

[Meili]

You are not alone with the feelings of numbness, anger, frustration, and pain. The members of these boards, myself included, have all felt those very things. If you read the posts of others here, you'll quickly find that you many of our stories have parallels.

Most of the members here have partners that have not been diagnoses with BPD, but present BPD traits. Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD.  They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that are important.

There are great tools, workshops, and lessons on these boards that can help you work through what you are experiencing. They helped me a great deal!

Keep posting, let us know what is going on, and read the posts of others. Most people find just doing these things to be very therapeutic.

Ask any questions that you wish. There is a very good chance that one of us has experienced something similar and has some advice and support to offer.

I look forward to reading more of your story. Take care of yourself.