Is love enough?

[snowglobe]

Hello All!
This is my second post at this discussion board and I'm feeling very anxious. As I mentioned before I've been married to a man who is showing all of the signs of the BPD but refuses to acknowledge  or get help. Currently he has me locked in a loose loose situation, and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. We've been taking about moving to a new home for a while. The current house that we've lived in for 10 years is under renovations. He wants to move to an older house, but with a large piece of land. For me and the kids it would be significant downgrade, considering that my parents are living with us to provide caregiving to our children. I would prefer a newer house that has enough living space for all of us. My parents also have some kind of benchmark on what they expect from living with us. He absolutely refused to hear my arguments, shuts me down and manipulates me saying that I don't care about the future of our kids. He wants the value, and I am being selfish. In reality there is no logic in leaving in 50 y o house, other then stroking his ego that he has the biggest land out of all his friends. When I told him that he will have to compromise, or otherwise I won't sign the paper and the money from the sale will be frozen at the lawyers office. He shut himself down and told me it's a ground for a divorce and he will change paperwork on the house on Tuesday as a final goodbye gift from him, giving me 99 % of the house. Since the house situation is so important for me. In reality, the house is important since I'm raising two children, one of them is with special needs and I really do need the help of my parents since he doesn't involve himself in anything other then making money. I felt so crushed and belittled, especially well knowing that he is capable of going through with the threat. He isn't talking to me, not even asknowledging my presence. Although I spent the whole night trying to convince me of loving him and pleading for a suitable compromise that would satisfy us both. How do I move on?. How do I make my peace living in a place that I don't want to stay even for a second just to satisfy this never ending hole that he has. Or how do I walk away from the man that I've been in love with since I was 17 years old and spent last 16 years with. No matter which way I turn, I loose. My parents or friends don't want to hear this never ending roller coaster anymore. I feel so depleted... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Coconut2017]

You are in a bad situation right now - big virtual hugs to you!

The idealistic thought that love is enough is not realistic. Giving in to his unreasonable demands despite what is the best for your children would not be love and in the end you would just resent him even more. Things are bad as they are already.

You need to put yourself and your children first and stand your ground.

He might be used to seeing you giving in and thinks it's no different this time. However, things might change if he sees that you mean it. He might back down and at least agree to compromise. Or not... .if not, then you still need to stay strong for you and your children despite his actions.

[snowglobe]

@Coconut2017 thank you so much for your reply, I'm so greatful for any kind of feedback. I'm trying to keep this dirty secrets from everyone around, but those close to us know and don't want to hear anything. I had people sit me down and talk about his abusive beahaviour and that I shouldn't tolerate it. In my heart I see him as a little boy, who must have been through a lot, although he never admits or discusses it. I desperately want to help him, and my kids so he can be around and healthy. After his detachment period he uses drugs to open up and get a courage to apologize. Typically 2-3 times a year. I so desperately want to believe those apologies. However the psychological side in my knows it isn't him talking. From our previous history I know that should things go bad between us he will leave the kids. It would be too much for him to deal with. How long does the rejection part typically lasts, can anyone tell me? I feel like I've lost all of my perspective

[Meili]

I realize that all of this can seem like a no-win situation, but that does not have to be the case. Have you read the checked out the link about Ending Conflict? Learning how to stop things from escalating before dysregulation happens can go a long way to changing the situation. It isn't easy and takes a lot of practice, but when you get it right, things are so much easier!

I wish that any of us could tell you how long the periods of dysregulation last. The reality is that it is different for each individual and in each situation. For me, it helped to remember that when my uBPDexgf would dysregulate, it wasn't about me... .I didn't take it personally.

I know that it's different with children because they won't understand. But, if you can learn to not take it personally, then it will help you not to react emotionally and you'll be better able to think clearly.

Good luck and keep us posted. I look forward to hearing what is going on with you. Hopefully, you'll receive the same support that I did when I got here.

[snowglobe]

@Meili thank you so much for your warm welcome, the stage has come and gone, and came again... .our teenager is hurting from constant roller coaster that our family has been on. My uBPDh has been needy in his attention, jealous and extremely possessive. When home he either Works, plays with his phone or watches tv. He doesn't engage with kids or myself. Our eldest daughter just confessed to scratching herself, this bright vibrant talented girl has been adopting his unhealthy coping ways and tries to get my attention. I'm so depleted from this crazy ride, in bed and have no will to get out.

[Meili]

I know how draining all of it is. My heart cries for you and your children. It is such a terrible position to be in. But, there is some good news; now that you have some idea of what has been going on and why, there are ways to mitigate and start to repair. I won't lie, it's hard, but it's possible.

I have another lesson to share with you: Surviving confrontation and disrespect. It's about regaining control over your own life. You've been in your situation for a very long time, it is completely understandable that it has sucked all of your strength. Small steps are what you are going to have to take to make the necessary changes. When you can start to do that, little by little you'll be able to start taking control of your own life back.

When I first got here, one of the most valuable lessons that someone taught me was that I am important, I matter, it's my life, and I'm in control of it. That was a total game changer for me when it soaked in and I started living those words.

Maybe one of the members who has experience with co-parenting with a pwBPD will chime in and provide you with some insight into how to deal with that part of things. I'll happily share any insight that I have with you on dealing with the marriage part of things. Hopefully, together, we can support you enough so that you actually start to look forward to getting out of bed.

  Take care of you. You are worth it!

[snowglobe]

I know how draining all of it is. My heart cries for you and your children. It is such a terrible position to be in. But, there is some good news; now that you have some idea of what has been going on and why, there are ways to mitigate and start to repair. I won't lie, it's hard, but it's possible.

I have another lesson to share with you: Surviving confrontation and disrespect. It's about regaining control over your own life. You've been in your situation for a very long time, it is completely understandable that it has sucked all of your strength. Small steps are what you are going to have to take to make the necessary changes. When you can start to do that, little by little you'll be able to start taking control of your own life back.

When I first got here, one of the most valuable lessons that someone taught me was that I am important, I matter, it's my life, and I'm in control of it. That was a total game changer for me when it soaked in and I started living those words.

Maybe one of the members who has experience with co-parenting with a pwBPD will chime in and provide you with some insight into how to deal with that part of things. I'll happily share any insight that I have with you on dealing with the marriage part of things. Hopefully, together, we can support you enough so that you actually start to look forward to getting out of bed.

  Take care of you. You are worth it!

Oh Meili, your words brought strong emotions, I am in tears from your small act of human kindness. I'm tired of feeling like a victim, but when it comes to him I loose all of the insight. I will be reading the link you've attached, hopefully it will cheer me up and give a new sense of hope and purpose. For the longest time I felt like there was an expiration date written all over the relationship. I now know why... .we created a family together, two beautiful children, however uBPDh has no object permanence when it comes to me, or them. I give you a virtual hug and send some good thoughts your way

[Turkish]

Hi

I saw this in your intro post:

. I want to stay, and meet my old age with him by my side, but it sometimes feels that one day he will break me... .we have 2 children and I want them to be raised with their father present. At the same time, I'm sometimes afraid to leave them with him alone.

The property and living issues are definitely stressful especially given your kids,  but the "scratching" (an indicator of anxiety) concerns me,  especially given what you said above.  What are your concerns about leaving the kids alone with their father?

T

[snowglobe]

Hi

I saw this in your intro post:

The property and living issues are definitely stressful especially given your kids,  but the "scratching" (an indicator of anxiety) concerns me,  especially given what you said above.  What are your concerns about leaving the kids alone with their father?

T

@Turkish it's his sudden mood swings I'm concerned about, he is either playing games, reading or engaging them, or completely shuts down and pushes them away in a similar matter as he does with me. It's very taxing for both of my kids, especially for my teenager. She shared with me that the scratches were due to me "loving him more/spending more time with him then her". I've tried to explain that I'm trying to smooth things over so I home can be peaceful, naturally this explanation did not satisfy her. The opposite ends of my uBPDh leaves our kids emotionally volnerable and increases the anxiety. If I ever decided to go, I would fight tooth and nail for their custody. For now, it's me and my parents that live in with us that try to shield them from the roller coaster

[Meili]

Can you tell us more about what you meant when you say that you feel like a victim and loose all insight with him?

I remember, prior to learning about BPD and why pwBPD act as they do, I felt that my x did things "to me." When she would lash out, manipulate, threaten, etc. I took it as an attack on me. Later, I learned that it really had nothing to do with me, and in all likelihood, she was probably responding to something, or a group of things, from her past rather than what was actually happening in the moment.

Even though I intellectually understood what was going on, the emotional component was still very strong. I knew that it wasn't really about me, but that didn't change the fact that I still had to deal with it. I had to learn to define and maintain healthy boundaries to prevent her actions from having too great of an impact on my world. That is one of the basic tools for handling these types of relationships - well, any relationship actually.

Many of the members here, myself included, had poor boundary control and that's a big part of why our lives have played out as they have. As a result, Setting Boundaries is a new skill that has/had to be learned. As with all new things, when we start to learn the new skill, it can be scary. It's scary because it seems so unfamiliar.

It also scares our pwBPD because we have made an unexpected change. If you push through the fear (there's only one way through fear, and that is straight through), then boundaries won't be a new thing for either of you and it will become the new norm.

There are so many benefits to maintaining healthy boundaries too! Probably, most relevant and of interest to you at this moment is that once it becomes the new norm, your pwBPD will respect you more. No one respects a person who makes him/herself a doormat, right?

The respect makes you more attractive as well. pwBPD need a strong partner. Maintaining your boundaries makes you stronger.

With that strength you also stop feeling like a victim.

It also sets a great example for your children.

The net result is that you, your husband, your children, and your relationships all benefit.

Like I said, I know that this is scary stuff, but if I can learn to do it, anyone else can.

[snowglobe]

@Meili,
"Can you tell us more about what you meant when you say that you feel like a victim and loose all insight with him?"
Thank you for asking. What I mean, is that because I got into this relationship when I was 17 yo, and stayed in it for all of my adult life, up till now, this connection and codependency became a part of my own disfunctional coping. When we are going through idealization stage, I feel content, happy and complete. I do not wish or hope for any other life. When we are going through crisis, I feel transparent, angry and unworthy of love. This self loathing propels me into cycle of anxiety and depression. There are no requirements that he puts on me other then being by his side and supporting every crazy, or in some case genius ideas he might have. I know that these detachments aren't about me, I am putting 100% into this relationship, like most people who choose to stay. Yet my financial dependency and emotional codependency crippled me to the core. To the point that I stand like a deer in the headlights waiting to be run over. One of the scariest thoughts is how replaceable and disposable I am on this relationship. He constantly tell me that he might go and find someone younger and fresher (as if him being 10 years me senior isn't fresh enough). As a way of self preservation I detach and start contemplating the worst case scenarios and how to prepare for them. I feel crushed and grieve about our failed relationship. He then comes back as if nothing happened. Like the emotional ruins that are left aren't worth to be acknowledged or repaired. He has absolutely no insight or remorse. Hi sadistic emotional abuse creates damage between me and my kids. At times I'm so numb from pain that although I operate and do all the things expected, my emotional capacity is depleted. During those times I feel like a bad mother for putting my kids through it. Regarding the insight, he is like a skilled surgeon always finds the most painful subjects and pushes on them. He continues to do so until it leaves me completely debilitated and exhausted. I don't fight with him, or for our relationship at that point. The longer I keep my brace face on and try to carry about life as if I'm ok, the longer he threatens, controls and limits an access to financial basic needs. Like I mention before, he is preparing to sell the house that we currently live in. Doing renos and getting it ready for sale. To go and buy something that he always wanted- big piece of land. I don't care for land, and want consistency and predictability for my kids. He won't be able to maintain a mansion, based on the finances that we have. I don't want to live in a hut, just so he can satisfy his ego. My parents will not go along with it, the only reason they stay is because they want the grandkids to be protected and raised in a stable environment. They will not live in a basement, or a room size of a broom closet. At this point I realize that I have reached my limit and this is my bottom line. I won't negotiate because it's called bargaining or setting ultimatums. I'll just accept the reality as is. If he sells the house and I don't want to move into something that he chooses, I won't. I haven't conisedered practicalities yet, but as far as I understand it requires two people to sign off sale at the lawyer, and I'll just hold my share at lawyers possession until I decide what is happening.

[DaddyBear77]

Snowglobe,

First of all, your words regarding the house and signing papers sound like they are coming from a place of great strength. GO WITH THAT! Find that power inside, the kind I know you must pull out like a mamma bear protecting her cubs.

I am also a parent, trying to coparent with a pwBPD (person with BPD). My daughter is 4. I have tried very very hard to keep the home "stable" for her, and so many times I've failed. I have compromised almost everything about myself to "buy" another night of stability. The result is a level of anxiety and depression that I have never dealt with. And it keeps getting worse.

Please use your strength and your intuition to guide you here, but as a parent AND as an individual person worthy of her own needs and wants. If you lose yourself, if you compromise what is at your core, you will always have little or nothing left to give to your children. The very good news here is that the opposite is also true.

[Meili]

The best advice I have to give regarding the property issue is to talk to an attorney to find out what your legal position is.

Is any move at all out of the question for you? I mean is there no compromise on this, or is this a boundary that you have defined and are going to maintain? Either way, good for you for standing up for yourself (and your family) to make sure that your needs are met. Most of us in a relationship with a pwBPD forget to do that. We forget that we matter too. It sounds like you've found some strength, enough to maintain your position, and that has to feel good, scary, but good.

One way that many people around here look at their pwBPD is like they are a young child. Somewhere on their development path, the pwBPD stop emotionally maturing. This can cause them to act like a toddler testing the parents' limits and throwing a temper tantrum when they do not get what they want. When that happens, around here we refer to that as an Extinction Burst. Our pwBPD pushes against one of our boundaries and we don't give. They respond with a type of temper tantrum.

As you describe your situation, your husband cuts off the finances. Because you know this is a possible outcome, you can prepare for it. Is there anything that you think that you can do? Having a plan in place will help minimize the feelings that you describe during the devaluation phase.

[snowglobe]

@DaddyBear77, thank you for your kind words. I'm absolutely certain that even if I go with the property he wants, it won't save me from the BPD crisis I find myself in every now and again. In addition to his tantrums and emotional abuse I will also be depressed due to the living arrangements. I decided to take wait and see approach. I'm cosiously optimistic, that we would be able to find something that would satisfy us both. If not, I'm not going into rental with two children that need stability. There is enough pain and turmoil in their lives as is. In this particular instance I need to put their needs ahead of his, and mine.
@Meili, when I write about negotiations not being an option, it's because he calls it "ultimatums" or "bargains" and is absolutely unwilling to negotiate. According to him I need to obediently follow him command. And be happy with my life. I'm not opposed to working, however I decided that I needed a career change and went on to getting a part time degree in university. The rest of the time I take care of our special needs child and household chores. My uBPDh doesn't trouble himself with anything other then financial assistance. He doesn't contribute in any meaningful way to our family's responsibilities. If anything, it's an obstacle because he is always tired and did not sleep well. As long as we've been together, he suffered from insomnia, or so he calls it. His ideal schedule would be going to sleep at 4 am and wake up at 3 pm. He's been living like that until we became a family and he had to provide and hold a stable job. I'm hoping to finish next year, get a job and see how it goes. However, I won't let him threaten or force me into submission. Thank you all for your emotional support. It's invaluable