When one's BPD spouse feels physical pain

[Cat Familiar]

Hello, I haven't been around for a while, a sign that things are functioning relatively well in my relationship--thanks to all I've learned here; the help, mentorship, and compassion of fellow members; and having a once monthly session with my psychologist, who knows my husband and completely understands my situation.

This is going to be a bit of a rant, but hopefully with some uplifting insights, so for those of you who are dealing with more serious problems, you may not want to read further.

To set the stage, both my husband and I have been dealing with some physical challenges. I've had an ongoing problem with a rotator cuff injury, for which I did physical therapy for five years, until my insurance cut me off. I've continued to be very active, but it's always with a bit of limitation due to my shoulder. The new MRI shows "severe arthritis", a definite deterioration of the joint since the previous MRI several years ago. However my pain level and range of motion has been much less limiting in the last couple of years.

My husband has had problems with his hip. His orthopedist wanted to delay a hip replacement operation for a few years until he was older, since artificial hips tend to wear out in 25 years, more or less. It's not an operation you want to undertake as a very old person.

So, I looked into stem cell therapy, for both his hip and my shoulder. It's not a magic cure-all, but it can rebuild joints, ligaments, tendons and muscle. Unfortunately it's not covered by insurance in the USA, unlike in some European countries. My husband is quite wealthy, but also quite frugal, unless he's spending his money on things he enjoys, such as expensive watches, stereo systems, cameras, cars.

In the scheme of things, stem cell therapy in our area is equivalent to the price of a moderately expensive camera, something he wouldn't think twice about buying.

So we went ahead and did the procedure--his process was last week and mine was this week. There's little downtime, other than having to rest the area and not stress it unduly for some weeks, and gradually re-introduce exercise and strengthening. But, it's not an overnight fix, although there is an anti-inflammatory effect from the platelet injections, which is noticeable immediately. However, the regrowth of the damaged areas with the introduction of the stem cells will maximize in 12 to 18 months.

That said, my husband was initially optimistic the first week, then he's fallen into a depression where he seldom speaks, has an "owly" expression on his face, moans and groans, and is generally unpleasant to be around.

I just had the last part of my procedure yesterday and I'm not supposed to use my dominant arm much, so I'm doing everything left-handed, other than simple things that don't stress out my shoulder much, like typing.

Anyway, I'm noticing that I'm asking him far more frequently how he's feeling than he's inquiring about me. (About 16 to 1) Also I'm realizing that I really don't like to be around people who act sullen and don't say anything. The first place I go to is thinking that he's mad at me. Then I realize that my default mode would be to leave the room, but then he thinks I'm avoiding him, which I am.

So my new strategy is to tell myself that cheering him up is NOT MY JOB! And I've tried staying in the same room, but immersing myself in the newspaper or online and not asking him how he's feeling. This seems to be working well.

He has occasionally broken his silence and talked about something other than his discomfort. And oddly enough, when I've asked him his pain level on a 1 to 10 scale, he's reluctantly said "2". Jeez, if I was at 2, I'd think it was a good day!

I know people with BPD feel things a lot stronger than other people and probably that is true for pain as well. I just hope the stem cell therapy works for his hip. He'd be an awful patient if he ultimately has to have a hip replacement.

Thanks for reading my vent!

[Gumiho]

... .His orthopedist wanted to delay a hip replacement operation for a few years until he was older, since artificial hips tend to wear out in 25 years, more or less. It's not an operation you want to undertake as a very old person ... .

Hi CF~

Glad to hear things are functioning relatively well !
It provides a certain level of hope to me and my relationship with my uBPDgf ^^ Sadly most people forget to come back to the family and write positive reports, when things are running smooth.

Anyways aside from BPD, what do you mean by "older"?
My mother had both her hip joints replaced at the age of 65 and another with 68 which is 8 respectively 5 years ago. (I am from an European country and I'm not sure why I haven't heard of that stem cell therapy for joints cure yet.) Anyways glad to hear there's improvement in both your health issues~~

By the way a 1:16 ratio for status inquiries is quite common I guess, I'd name about the same digits , it may be age induced as well.


Good luck
Gumiho

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Gumiho,
Thanks for your reply. Yes, it's taken time and a lot of work (on me) to get to where things function smoothly. When I first came to this site three years ago, I was angry and bitter. I felt like I had been duped. I agreed to marry Prince Charming and then a few years later, I discovered I was living with The Ogre.

It was hard for me to validate because I had grown up in an invalidating environment. My mother was an undiagnosed BPD and I suspect that many of us here are accustomed to this pattern in our family of origin, and therefore, we gravitate toward the familiar in our romantic relationships.

My most difficult task was to let go of the anger and disappointment and learn a new way of being with my husband. I was so resistant to give up the ideas of fairness or of speaking my mind frankly when I felt insulted, misunderstood, or taken for granted. When I finally realized how counterproductive this was, I was able to start thinking strategically and the tools I learned here made sense, and even better, worked!

Now, I smile to myself (or laugh when I'm alone) and I don't react to the slings and arrows, other than move out of the way. He's actually a very nice person, prone to be very self-critical and thus, dwell in dark, depressive moods. I've always tended to be a fixer, whether it's household repairs, veterinary tasks, but now I'm catching myself before I inflict my fixer tendencies on him, trying to make him happy (a thankless task by the way, I know now).

Regarding hip replacement, he's old enough, but I think his doctor didn't feel his situation was bad enough to warrant the surgery at this point, thus the recommendation to wait. I know there will be hell to pay if the stem cell therapy doesn't give enough of a beneficial response. For me, I'm glad for even the slightest improvement. But down the line, I imagine that it's likely that I'll be blamed for him doing that instead of getting on with surgery.

I was careful in phrasing my recommendation at the beginning. I suggested that he just see the stem cell doc for a second opinion, since he's also an orthopedic expert. I planned on doing stem cell treatment because I'm a horse person and it's shown such effectiveness in treating horses. Also the technology for shoulder replacement lags far behind other joint replacement. I was told five years ago that my only treatment option for my bad shoulder was a full joint replacement. Instead, I've done physical therapy and Rolfing and remained active. It's been a bit harder for me to throw a 35 pound saddle on my horses, but still doable. Any improvement I will notice from the stem cells in the next year and a half, I will certainly appreciate, but I don't imagine my shoulder will ever return to the strength I had when I was in my 20s. Also I know I will have to work out diligently to get stronger and improve stability and range of motion.

My husband, on the other hand, thinks of medicine sort of like taking the car in to get fixed. It's supposed to just work right, dammit!

[Cat Familiar]

I'm girding for drama. Today my husband went to his first physical therapy appointment after his recent stem cell procedure. He had been to a therapist at that office a couple of years before and because she was dismissive about some conversational topic that he shared, he was horrified that he would be assigned to her. I think he will refuse to go back if she is his therapist. So much drama these pwBPD create!