Its good to know that i am not alone

[Coffee BE Twin]

So good to find out that what i am going through is not just me. When my therapist suggested that my SO has most of the traits of BPD, I grabbed the first book how to stop walking on eggshells and man it opened up my eyes. I have been dealing with this girl in the worst possible way.

So a little about myself, I met her on match.com and was married in less than 3 months, bad idea. I never saw this coming because I didn't give the relationship time. I was trying something new for myself (fail).

I work a rotating roster 28 days on 28 days off, so i am away from SO for 28 days, and as you can tell this feeds her sense of abandonment immensely. Knowing what i do now i am going to have to work hard at building up that i am leaving for work not forever. But in all fairness i was doing this job when we met and i will probably be doing it until i retire.

Our relationship has really come to a head in the last year as she had me arrested, after she got mad and reversed the car through the closed garage door from the inside. I moved out of the house for 2 months, and continued to try and mend the relationship. Dealing with her is really love hate. I have never been in a relationship this damn hard. I have started trying some of the mechanisms needed to talk to her, and currently she is pushing back trying to manipulate me for her win win argument. but i am staying calm. So hopefully i can get back some of my life.

I have caught her twice trying to have an affair, the first time i actually befriended the first guy and essentially save him from a huge mistake. The second time I don't know what happened but i do know for my own sanity there wont be a third time.

When i first started arguing with her i thought she must have carried out torture when she was in the military, she use to keep me up all night arguing, or wake me every hour for days on end, sleep deprivation sucks. tell me i don't do anything romantic and never tell me what she thought something romantic was. Complain that i never take her anywhere but we would take 1 or 2 trips a year. nothing i ever did counted. i was bending over backwards for what after every trip we fought while we were there and when we got home. Does she not understand that doing that makes me never want to go anywhere with her. We recently went to Paris and she wouldn't go to the Eiffel tower with me how sad is that. I f she doesn't want to do something we don't.

I mean sometimes she sits at home and cry's all day for no reason or because shes sad, why wont she go talk to someone. One time i was at work and i couldn't get a hold of her for a few days when i finally found out what happened, she had taken too many ambien tried driving her daughter to school got the car stuck on the medium and a teacher from the school drove her home and called the police, they then admitted her to hospital the transferred her to a rehab place where she signed herself in for week. when she finally regained her thoughts she found out she couldn't get out. I had to fly home and take care if things, she was the nicest person when she needed to get out, she was going to do all these things differently, go to out patient care the whole nine yards. How many sessions did she go to after she got out NONE.

After the first affair we both went to marriage counselling then i set up individual appointments, the joint counselor was great, my therapist is great, my wife attended one session and told me that her therapist said there was nothing wrong with her, What BULL. She thinks that i am the problem that I have anger issues, but really I really think its frustration more than anger, the constant loops most of our conversations are in can get tiring.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Coffee BE Twin]

I am learning some of the steps i need to help my situation, but i would also like to teach my step daughter who is 11 how to interact with her mother, because if the relationship fails. She will be stuck with her and I wont be there to support her, but thankfully i have noticed that she doesnt appear to have her mothers issues, if anything she has anxiety as her mother is always going to the hospital by ambulance, she always thinks she is going to die. I know I had to take away the self of responsibility that she felt. The mother daughter role was reversed and she was 6 at the time. I was able to let her become a kid as she should be.

When I am at home I watch her mother complain that her daughter is fighting and being mean to her, but from my point of view its just normal talk. I usually take my daughter away from home every chance i get. She will only shop for clothes with me as her mom makes her buy stuff she doesnt like, then complains when she doesnt wear it.

But what I am needing is things i can teach her about how to deal with her mom, because right now she tends to just ignore her which as you know infuriates her mom.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Coffee Be Twin ,

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so difficult in your relationship. Whirlwind relationships are common with people with BPD. My H and I met online and were married within 10 months.

I can definiately see how being away from home for 28 days at a time would trigger feelings of rejection in someone with BPD. IT's hard to for them to not take it as personal, even though it's not. And it can be even harder to try to convince them that it's not personal.

I think for both you and your daughter learning validation skills would be very helpful. A lot of the things us nonBPDs do to try to calm our pwBPD down tend to be invalidating. You mentioned you were looking through our workshops, which is good. They will help you a lot. Is there one particular skill that you've seen that you might need more help with? This is a great place to interact and share and practice.

Here is a link to things that might look like invalidation to someone with BPD. For me it helps to see what is NOT validation because frequently when I think I'm validating, I'm actually not:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[Coffee BE Twin]

So I think there may be away for me to break her into to realizing she has BPD. Her mother from all she has told me sounds like she has it along with narcissism. I was going to suggest she check out this site so she can learn how to deal with her mother.

I wonder if that would be a good idea? Any thoughts?