Boyfriend left last night

[Artemesia]

I'm not sure if I'm trying to reverse this breakup or if the relationship is clearly over and I need support!

My boyfriend since March was wonderful to begin with and made me feel so supported.  He's clever and attractive.  But he has changed in spite of saying he would never change.  The paronoia, accusations and assumptions began.  He told me about his depression and also some PTSD type symptoms due to witnessing a violent incident although he doesn't believe he has PTSD.  What in my view were fairly minor transgressions or betrayals on my part became reasons to pan and then threaten to leave the relationship. Not just particular triggers as he said but actually a wide range of things. The arguments became regular and he threatened to leave me about 6 or so times in the last couple of months. The first time I wouldn't let him leave and clung on to him.  I tried to be less crazy after that and always talked him down.  But after 5 months I can see where this is going and I have become increasingly sad over the last few days because I knew that next time he/we did it, I would have to let him leave. He kept sniping at me while he was packing, really nasty things like "you'll never have a real relationship because you blah etc" so in the end I refused to listen any more and in the end I kept repeatedly screamed "shut up and get out".  He wouldn't stop so finally I locked myself in the garden to avoid him until he had finished packing. I did go and say goodbye to him nicely out on the driveway. I feel ashamed that everybody down the street must have heard the shouting and also that I completely lost the ability to cope.

My neighbours must be getting pissed off by now.  The relationship has caused me too much stress.  Personally I'm recovering from the third long term/serious episode of depression in my life.  I have scored high on tests for Asperger Syndrome but not high enough to qualify. I had an IQ of 135 at 25 years old and I am an INTP. At 38 years old I have always wanted to be a wife and mother in a functional family but never believed I deserved it.  This is partly because I'm serially attracted to emotionally dysfunctional men.  I have investigated the possibility but I don't think I have BPD, it turns out that my parents have MH problems and I tend to choose the wrong romantic relationships.  I have made an active effort with my mental health since I got PTSD after I was attacked by a male student at university in 2002. I have particularly focussed on attachment theory, Borderline Personality Disorder and Autistic Spectrum Disorders. I know that not being qualified I shouldn't diagnose anyone in principle but I'm just trying to understand what has happened.  

I had to go through all kinds of hell to get over this last bout of depression because I had to walk away from an unsupportive job and ended up with nowhere to live. It's taken me about 5 years to rebuild my life with a lot of help from outside sources.  As in, formal support. So I finally got sorted out, off the meds, in a flat with a job and some nice friends, things are better with my parents. I was running, swimming etc and working on music.  Then I meet this guy at work.  So convincing and so attractive.

I have felt absolutely devastated all day, running through a range of emotions from deep and profound loss, to despair to feeling sick, constant lump in my throat, anger and disgust with him and now a dawning realisation that he shows all the signs of having BPD and because of what he said I just didn't see it.  I thought he had depression/PTSD.  But when you look at what he does in his interactions with me, it's Borderline PD. I think he does have depression and PTSD as well, but he's very wily at covering up his BPD with denials and grand assertions about his beliefs on how a relationships should be and what our future could be together. But his behaviour fell into a pattern.

I am so in love with him and my decision now is do I focus on self protection given that I'm risking the life I have re-built over the last 3 or 4 years if my own mental health declines again. The alternative is to work on the relationship.  He has so many fantastic qualities.  He really does have some unusual and brilliant qualities.  If it wasn't for the BPD episodes I would stay with him forever.  It's the negative assumptions he makes about me, the criticism and the lack of empathy that just make me lose the plot. He does have good principles and a good idea of what a relationship should look like but he doesn't seem to be able to act on them.  

I'm giving myself these options assuming that at some point he will be back in contact with me.  H emay not.  He left a few things in my house.  He said 'I think I've got everything' but he probably knows damn well he left things.  I'm supposed to text him if I find anything. It's the first time we have broken up for more than a day. It could be positive, maybe a 'real' breakup rather than just a row will mean we can work on things. It is also possible that he has really 'gone'.  Thank you for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Artemesia and

im very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but i am glad you found us. we know how volatile these relationships can be, and the total confusion and "what do i do now?" after a breakup.

a lot of the advice on this board centers around not making the situation worse. it sounds like youre approaching this thoughtfully and carefully, and not sabotaging yourself or the state of your relationship. that will help.

when things kind of explode like this, its usually a good recipe for both parties to take some space for themselves, let emotions unwind and get back to baseline. are you thinking of reaching out at some point if he doesnt?

it sounds like youve got a pretty good working knowledge so far, i recommend you keep building on that. start with the lessons and tools directly to the right of the board. our article on "what it takes to make it" is a good big picture article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

and the thing is, you dont need to know exactly what you want to do right now. knowledge is power, and even if you dont reunite, these are skills that work with everyone, that you can take into future relationships, and theyll help you navigate if there is communication difficulty with him in the future.

lastly, i hope youre not kicking yourself too hard. you handled his needling and a pretty stressful moment with a pretty cool head - ive heard far worse than screaming "shut up and get out", for what its worth. it also doesnt mean that the self inquiry and work that you did before this relationship is wasted. i too had a history of rocky relationships, was single for three years, then met my ex. in a lot of ways, i was a better and healthier partner. i suspect that you were too.

[Artemesia]

Thank you very much for your reply.  Things are much better here. Letting him leave turned out to be a good step and gave us the opportunity to discuss what it means to have a secure relationship. As I said though it seems to be a pattern so I'll have to be prepared.  I really appreciate the links and detailed response, and the encouragement!