So Confused

[shep1166]

I am so confused by relationships anymore.

i barely survived a 10 year marriage to an emotionally abusive ex with some kind of peronality disorder... .it was un-diagnosed, so I cant say what she had, but my counselors feel it was likely BPD... .and have been working with me to overcome the insane amount of "gaslamping" that I underwent trying to make sense of a really broken relationship.

Now I am in a relationship that started out really loving and sweet. I keep saying its a great relationship and that I love my partner, but after two years it is just getting really confusing.

There are issues that we just cant agree on. I tend to be pretty laid back, and for the most part I am all about live and let live, but it is really hard to watch people make choices that seem so hurtful and destructive. This morning, I woke up with seasonal allergies, she heard my stuffed up voice and it turned into a huge argument about everything from my immune system to some nutritional conspiracy regarding spinach and down syndrome... .and all I really needed was a kleenex and maybe some benadryl... .

My girlfriend says the words "I love and appreciate you" but when she isn't saying that exact phrase, she is literally complaining about nearly every aspect of her and our lives and the complaints don't make any logical sense at all to me... .I lost 40 pounds and dropped 3 pant sizes in the last few months through diet and exercise, and she says i dont focus on my health because I woke up with hay fever? I paid off $15,000 dollars worth of debt two months ago, and she just got hired as a therapy supervisor over 2 school districts, making more money than she has ever made in her life, and she is frantically re-inventorying absolutely everything she owns trying to have a garage sale to sell what has amounted to maybe $50 worth of clothes that we could just take to goodwill, because we are "giving away money". My dad passed away three weeks ago, and she is frustrated that i took so much time away from preparing for this garage sale to attend to my family and prepare for the funeral.

I read all this stuff about validating peoples feelings, but I am exhausted and frustrated trying to hold up the emotional circus of yet another relationship.

 I cant tell if her expectations are valid, and my interpretation of her behavior is skewed, or if my desire for compassion and understanding are normal and her priorities really do lack a reasonable amount of empathy?

Was she healthy when I met her and I have somehow caused her mental deterioration? Was she always unhealthy and I missed the cues until I was too deeply involved to just move on? Am I the one mentally deteriorating? Is everything just ok, and I am seeing life through a filter of my dad's death?

I know I was in an unhealthy relationship previously... .but this one seemed a lot more stable at first, though it sure does not seem like it is now... .Have I always been this blind to unhealthy partners? It feels like I just cant get the hang of relationships... .I have lots of friends that value and respect my friendship, but it feels like my romantic interests tend to have the least regard for me of all my acquaintances. I think I value myself, I am normally self confident, yet I struggle to maintain that in my love life.

I am emotionally exhausted, frustrated, and confused... .really afraid of screwing up my life again with a relationship that is turning into a massive struggle to hold on to my own self respect. She used to bring out the best in me, and now it feels like she brings out the worst, and I feel like I am doing the same to her... .

Not sure if I am supposed to want to invest more into this relationship or count my losses and move on... .dont know if I am causing the issues or experiencing them... .not sure if I am supposed to get help or offer it... .

Does every relationship deal with these things? The other thought I have (having come from such a bad relationship in the past) is that just because I have experience emotional abuse in the past, not every season of conflict is abusive, and maybe Im just over sensitive to romantic conflict because it caused so much personal loss in the past... .

[RomanticFool]

Hi shep1166,

Welcome to the boards. You are in the right place to get some clarity around your confusion. I was in a long distance relationship with a woman who has undiagnosed BPD and there were times that I felt like she had played an emotional trick on me.

Sorry to hear about your father's passing. That must have been very difficult when also trying to negotiate the choppy waters of r/s issues. It sounds like the garage sale is very important to your partner and that must have been confounding for you when dealing with such a huge bereavement in your life. My condolences.

Here on the BPD Family website there is a wealth of information to help you make some kind of sense of the hitherto unfathomable. When I first came on here I was obsessed with how my pwBPD could treat me like a lover one day and something to be reviled the next.

I found this definition of what constitutes a person suffering from BPD very helpful:

To the family members, BPD behavior is often very frustrating can feel unfair and punitive - something like this (3):  

You have been viewed as overly good and then overly bad;
You have been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving;
Things that you have said or done have been twisted and used against you;
You are accused of things you never did or said?
You often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions;
You find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard;
You feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to.

As such, the most obvious "symptom" of Borderline Personality Disorder is a lifelong pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions.

I hope you will find this useful. You can read more at https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-symptoms-diagnostics

Ironically you were on the right path with validating skills. I know it can feel like you are somehow endorsing outrageous behaviour, but people with BPD become empathically impaired when they get emotionally aroused. Validation skills can help take the intensity out of interactions and make it easier to have meaningful discussions.

More of that later. For now carry on posting on here and have a read around the boards. You will get some great support on here. Look forward to hearing more of your story.

RF