Want a divorce but feel incredible guilt over taking child away from husband

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Thanks for any advice, this is so hard and I could use any advice at all.

I (F/32) have been married to my husband (M/39) for 9 years. We live in the states, and have a 6 year old son. My husband is from a western European country, and we are very involved in that culture (visit once a year, I and my son are bilingual). My son and I do not have dual citizenship, and my husband has a greencard which allows him to stay and work and live in this country regardless of divorce.

Husband is Bipolar. He is medicated, and manages his disorder well. He DOES have periods of depression frequently. Despite his being stable, I feel like he will never be able to live a normal life. He is on his third masters degree, has never worked, and can't find happiness or direction in his life. He was working towards his PhD, but has decided he wants to stop, and get a job instead. I question whether he'll be able to find, or hold a job. He recently started talking about wanting to move us back to his home country.

Throughout the entire duration of our relationship, I would regularly catch him (1-5 times per year) on dating apps, hookup websites, etc. He has always maintained that he has no intention of cheating, that this is how he gets his excitement, and then he deletes it. That I have no reason to be upset over it, and should get over it.

2 years ago I caught him having visited a prostitute. He maintains it was the only time he ever acted out of the marriage. I threatened to leave, we started a marriage counselor, and both actively were working on fixing things.

3 days ago I caught the sites and apps again. I can see how long they were open and what he did, and again, he did not actually communicate with anyone (from what I can see). I confronted him, and he opened up a huge conversation on his unhappiness, wanting to move back to his country (with us), wanting to quit the PhD and get a job, and wanting to leave the suburbs we live in.

We live in the suburbs 50 minutes outside a major city that we lived in the first year we were together. The house is my mother's, who otherwise lives alone, and it is a big house, which we've been doing fine in. He hates the suburbs, says that I am too suburban, and he is becoming too suburban, and this is his biggest fear. He is unsatisfied in his life, and feels I've immensely changed since we moved here 6 years ago. We moved here so he could pursue his PhD in a local major university.

I do everything. I work (I took a step down to work from home because our 6 year old was recently diagnosed with anxiety and possibly bipolar, and he needs consistency and can't handle before/after care. Husband has stated that though he is home, he cannot handle more than short bursts of time with our son). I bring in the money, pay the bills, raise our son entirely on my own. I make the appointments, manage our son's condition, cook, shop, clean, pack the car for vacations, make the phone calls, etc. I do everything. This had been ok for me for the longest time. Finding those dating apps, plus him expressing how miserable he was, and my final acceptance that I don't think he'll be able to ever live a typical life and contribute in any meaningful way (he thinks he can), has led me to the horrible realization that this marriage isn't working.

Here's my problem - he's got no support, family, friends, money here. He knows that were I to divorce him, I would get custody of our child. While he doesn't spend much direct time with him, there's no thought that he loves him more than life itself. If we were to divorce, he'd lose that daily contact with him. He'd likely go back to europe, to his support system, and that would mean their relationship majorly changes/diminishes. I don't want to be responsible for that.

I quietly spoke to a lawyer, and our marriage counselor (who he refuses to back to). At therapist's suggesting, I had a conversation with my husband, and framed it as the first of a series of conversations we need to start having. I told him that when I searched my feelings, my heart was closed to him, I'm not feeling any love in return, that he needs to know I'm not willing to move with him, whether in this country or back to his (western Europe).

It went exactly as horribly as I feared. He told me he believes the 'non-cheating' is a compulsion, he wants to stop, and he is going to see a psychologist for it. Then he made the connection that his relationship with his son would change, and he melted down. He started weeping, was clearly very lost. Kept pushing me to tell him whether I had made a final decision yet. I kept reiterating that this was the first in a series of conversations we need to have, and that I just wanted to start by making sure he knows my feelings.

He begged, told me that he'd rather be miserable forever, do anything, than lose his son. I told him that he will always be his father, and that he doesn't have to lose anything. He said he knows that's not true - that even if he were to stay in the state, our son would no longer jump in bed with him in the morning, that he'd no longer be shaping his ideas and person, because visitation would be limited. He begged me to see if there was any way I could stay just for our son's sake.

He left for 20 minutes, and when he came back I told him to please think of this as just the first step - that we both need to think, have more discussions, and move forward slowly, and that nothing is happening immediately. He said this is all easier for me to say, sitting in my family's home, knowing my son will be staying here, and not much would immediately change for me. And he's right. He said he has no support system here in terms of family, not much money, nowhere to go, and no matter where he went, or what eventually happened, he'd lose what he has with his son.

When I remove the dating apps from the equation (and I know maybe I shouldn't be, but if I believe that it was a compulsion and that magically it would never happen again), then my reasons for leaving him start to feel trivial. Is it worth ending a marriage because I feel like I do everything, and that I feel he'll never fully be able to contribute? I feel like I'm taking a cop-out, an easy solution. That our life is going to be tough as it obviously transitions, and I'm running because I know as a single mother in a lot of ways it will be easier. He said he doesn't feel loved or cared for by me, and I believe him - I'm not feeling much for him. He says he feels used, and that when we moved here I was 'finished with him' (because we were back in the home I grew up in, we saw my family more often, who I am close with). I reminded him that when we moved back we had a newborn, and things changed more likely because my focus shifted from caring for him, to caring for our baby. He agreed - that I don't take care of him, and our job should be to care for each other. I disagree and see it as caretaking, which I know is unhealthy. He comes from a country where divorce is much less common (though having a mistress is quite accepted), and begged me to consider any option for the sake of our child.

It is all on me, I don't want to feel this way. I am so sad and guilty and sick over it. I hate seeing this man that I loved crying and feeling the horrible heartache over losing his child. I did consider staying together, knowing he'll always be secretly on those dating sites, and could be cheating, knowing I'll likely be doing everything forever, but it would be better because my son would have his father in his life. I feel like I am the one destroying my husband's life by dropping this on him knowing he has nothing and no one and cannot stay in the state.

I feel so horrible. I have this horrible pit in my stomach, can't sleep, don't know what to do. He's just crying quietly, and I can see he's panicking trying to process it all. Every time he sees our son he just falls apart.

If you made it this far, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[slp987]

Thanks for any advice, this is so hard and I could use any advice at all.

I (F/32) have been married to my husband (M/39) for 9 years. We live in the states, and have a 6 year old son. My husband is from a western European country, and we are very involved in that culture (visit once a year, I and my son are bilingual). My son and I do not have dual citizenship, and my husband has a greencard which allows him to stay and work and live in this country regardless of divorce.

Husband is Bipolar. He is medicated, and manages his disorder well. He DOES have periods of depression frequently. Despite his being stable, I feel like he will never be able to live a normal life. He is on his third masters degree, has never worked, and can't find happiness or direction in his life. He was working towards his PhD, but has decided he wants to stop, and get a job instead. I question whether he'll be able to find, or hold a job. He recently started talking about wanting to move us back to his home country.

Throughout the entire duration of our relationship, I would regularly catch him (1-5 times per year) on dating apps, hookup websites, etc. He has always maintained that he has no intention of cheating, that this is how he gets his excitement, and then he deletes it. That I have no reason to be upset over it, and should get over it.

2 years ago I caught him having visited a prostitute. He maintains it was the only time he ever acted out of the marriage. I threatened to leave, we started a marriage counselor, and both actively were working on fixing things.

3 days ago I caught the sites and apps again. I can see how long they were open and what he did, and again, he did not actually communicate with anyone (from what I can see). I confronted him, and he opened up a huge conversation on his unhappiness, wanting to move back to his country (with us), wanting to quit the PhD and get a job, and wanting to leave the suburbs we live in.

We live in the suburbs 50 minutes outside a major city that we lived in the first year we were together. The house is my mother's, who otherwise lives alone, and it is a big house, which we've been doing fine in. He hates the suburbs, says that I am too suburban, and he is becoming too suburban, and this is his biggest fear. He is unsatisfied in his life, and feels I've immensely changed since we moved here 6 years ago. We moved here so he could pursue his PhD in a local major university.

I do everything. I work (I took a step down to work from home because our 6 year old was recently diagnosed with anxiety and possibly bipolar, and he needs consistency and can't handle before/after care. Husband has stated that though he is home, he cannot handle more than short bursts of time with our son). I bring in the money, pay the bills, raise our son entirely on my own. I make the appointments, manage our son's condition, cook, shop, clean, pack the car for vacations, make the phone calls, etc. I do everything. This had been ok for me for the longest time. Finding those dating apps, plus him expressing how miserable he was, and my final acceptance that I don't think he'll be able to ever live a typical life and contribute in any meaningful way (he thinks he can), has led me to the horrible realization that this marriage isn't working.

Here's my problem - he's got no support, family, friends, money here. He knows that were I to divorce him, I would get custody of our child. While he doesn't spend much direct time with him, there's no thought that he loves him more than life itself. If we were to divorce, he'd lose that daily contact with him. He'd likely go back to europe, to his support system, and that would mean their relationship majorly changes/diminishes. I don't want to be responsible for that.

I quietly spoke to a lawyer, and our marriage counselor (who he refuses to back to). At therapist's suggesting, I had a conversation with my husband, and framed it as the first of a series of conversations we need to start having. I told him that when I searched my feelings, my heart was closed to him, I'm not feeling any love in return, that he needs to know I'm not willing to move with him, whether in this country or back to his (western Europe).

It went exactly as horribly as I feared. He told me he believes the 'non-cheating' is a compulsion, he wants to stop, and he is going to see a psychologist for it. Then he made the connection that his relationship with his son would change, and he melted down. He started weeping, was clearly very lost. Kept pushing me to tell him whether I had made a final decision yet. I kept reiterating that this was the first in a series of conversations we need to have, and that I just wanted to start by making sure he knows my feelings.

He begged, told me that he'd rather be miserable forever, do anything, than lose his son. I told him that he will always be his father, and that he doesn't have to lose anything. He said he knows that's not true - that even if he were to stay in the state, our son would no longer jump in bed with him in the morning, that he'd no longer be shaping his ideas and person, because visitation would be limited. He begged me to see if there was any way I could stay just for our son's sake.

He left for 20 minutes, and when he came back I told him to please think of this as just the first step - that we both need to think, have more discussions, and move forward slowly, and that nothing is happening immediately. He said this is all easier for me to say, sitting in my family's home, knowing my son will be staying here, and not much would immediately change for me. And he's right. He said he has no support system here in terms of family, not much money, nowhere to go, and no matter where he went, or what eventually happened, he'd lose what he has with his son.

When I remove the dating apps from the equation (and I know maybe I shouldn't be, but if I believe that it was a compulsion and that magically it would never happen again), then my reasons for leaving him start to feel trivial. Is it worth ending a marriage because I feel like I do everything, and that I feel he'll never fully be able to contribute? I feel like I'm taking a cop-out, an easy solution. That our life is going to be tough as it obviously transitions, and I'm running because I know as a single mother in a lot of ways it will be easier. He said he doesn't feel loved or cared for by me, and I believe him - I'm not feeling much for him. He says he feels used, and that when we moved here I was 'finished with him' (because we were back in the home I grew up in, we saw my family more often, who I am close with). I reminded him that when we moved back we had a newborn, and things changed more likely because my focus shifted from caring for him, to caring for our baby. He agreed - that I don't take care of him, and our job should be to care for each other. I disagree and see it as caretaking, which I know is unhealthy. He comes from a country where divorce is much less common (though having a mistress is quite accepted), and begged me to consider any option for the sake of our child.

It is all on me, I don't want to feel this way. I am so sad and guilty and sick over it. I hate seeing this man that I loved crying and feeling the horrible heartache over losing his child. I did consider staying together, knowing he'll always be secretly on those dating sites, and could be cheating, knowing I'll likely be doing everything forever, but it would be better because my son would have his father in his life. I feel like I am the one destroying my husband's life by dropping this on him knowing he has nothing and no one and cannot stay in the state.

I feel so horrible. I have this horrible pit in my stomach, can't sleep, don't know what to do. He's just crying quietly, and I can see he's panicking trying to process it all. Every time he sees our son he just falls apart.

If you made it this far, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to the Family Law board.  This is the place for legal issues and concerns.  :)o you feel the marriage can be salvaged?  What does your gut say?  I ask because you've listed some serious issues that have repeated during the marriage and unless he makes positive changes in his life and thinking, sadly, they will surely happen again.

Have you pondered your priorities?  Some of what you wrote seemed to have him at a higher priority than he merits.  If he and his actions are sabotaging the marriage and he's not making lasting improvements, then our experience has been that you need to re-prioritize.  While not being selfish, you need to put yourself at the top of the list.  Why?  Consider the instructions before every flight for emergencies, the attendant say we need to put our on oxygen mask on before we help others.  We're of no use to others if we have fainted.  In our families that means we need to be in good shape to parent and protect our children.  The children are Priority Two.  I know it is distressing but our spouses are adults while the children are minors, the spouse has to be lower on the priority list.  :)oes that make sense?

While he may have been diagnosed as Bipolar, that does not mean he doesn't have traits of Personality Disorders (PDs).  Since you're here on a BPD board, you may have suspected that it's more than Bipolar - or may not even be Bipolar.  Historically, some people with acting-out PDs, especially BPD, have been diagnosed as Bipolar since in some ways it is similar to BPD but many insurers will pay for Bipolar but not for BPD diagnoses.  Bipolar can generally be treated with meds but BPD is a behavioral disorder, meds may moderate the PD behaviors but what is most effective for long term recovery is expert therapy.

While your spouse is refusing therapy, what about you?  Are you seeing a counselor for yourself?  Marriage counseling takes two to succeed but you are so emotionally obligated and guilted that you need input from someone experienced and trained to be objective.  (Okay, peer support such as here is also immensely helpful.)  You're seeing things subjectively, like from inside the house looking out, you need supporters who can be objective in observations without all the emotions and rose-colored glasses getting in the way.

One the practical side, if you haven't been able to assist him in recovery from whatever his issues are in the past 9 years, the odds of him listening to you in the future are quite low.  It would be fooling yourself to hope he will positively change, a least for very long, more relapses would follow seeming compliance or improvements.

The general theme for improvement is that he has to do his recovery for himself, not for you, not even for the children.  :)oes HE want to improve?  Or does he make excuses or denials to lower the bar for expected behaviors?  :)oes he Blame you, others or situations?  (As in, "____ made me do it"?)  Or some Blame Shifting?  We're not talking about failing to put the trash out or take the clothes out of the washer and into the dryer.  We're talking about fidelity in the marriage, really, Trust in the marriage, quite important and crucial.

Do you think you can reorder your priorities, worrying less about him and more about what's best for you and the children?  Can you be proactive more in the ways that make a difference, that get better results even if the marriage does fail?

You've already confirmed infidelity in the past as well as repeated "only emotional" affairs.  :)o you have a religious background?  The Bible does allow for divorce (and remarriage if there has been infidelity).  What I'm saying is that you don't have to feel trapped.  As the quote below notes, a stable and loving home environment is important for the children, the example you set as a concerned and caring parent is what counts most, especially as the children grow up and then choose their own adult relationships.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

Others will be online in the next few days and add their own thoughts and suggestions.  If you remain distressed over "Want a divorce but feel incredible guilt over taking child away from husband" then they can point you to some of our other boards that can help you decide what is the right action for your future and your children's futures.  we have an immense collective wisdom, we're been there and done that but it is you who decides.  With education and information you can make more informed and more confident decisions. 

[ForeverDad]

I just want to add that the 'guilt' you feel is probably misplaced guilt.  We have a saying here - FOG - that describes the Fear, Obligation, Guilt we all have faced.  Beware that you don't let yourself be weakened or sabotaged by such feelings.  Us Nice Guys and Nice Gals are known to often put others ahead of ourselves.  That's a wonderful trait but not in situations such as we face here when dealing with people who are, to a greater or lesser extent, mentally ill and yet experts in manipulation and, yes, guilting.

[Panda39]

Yes! to everything ForeverDad said!  

My experience has been in an alcoholic marriage (I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw) but much of the dysfunction I experienced does cross over... .co-dependence.

I found in my marriage I took on the responsibility for all kinds of things that weren't mine, I minimized behaviors and situations over and over again even as those dysfunctional behaviors and situations got worse, and I was in denial about how much the dysfunction was affecting my son and I always put myself last.  

After 19 years of this (I stayed waaaaaaay too long) I started to put myself first, and decided to leave, did my ex fall? Yes, my ex had his 3rd DUI, lost his driver's license, lost his retirement to pay for attorneys, went to work smelling of alcohol, lost his job, lost his wife, home, and time with his son through divorce.  :)id I cause this? No, his actions did.  We divorced in 2010 and he has been sober the last 5 years.  He finally hit rock bottom and made the choice to get sober.  My leaving my marriage was a catalyst for positive change for all of us.  My ex could have made a different choice too, but either way it was his to make.  As adults we all have choices, you do, your husband does too. What I had to decide was whether or not I was going to go down with my ex on the sinking ship that was our marriage and take our son with us or was I going to leave and create a different life.  Leaving a failing marriage is not necessarily a bad thing in fact I would argue it is a good thing.  It can be hard, it can be sad, and it can be painful but it isn't inherently bad.

My SO also stayed in his marriage way too long because he thought his uBPDxw couldn't manage without him/the marriage.  His mom told him that his ex was like a cat and would always land on her feet.  And you know what she has.  She is a hot mess because of her choices but she has always had a roof over her head, food in her belly, and friends and family that help her.  She is an adult she is responsible for herself as all of us adults are.  

Your husband is an adult he is responsible for himself.  You are not his caretaker, therapist, or mother. Yes, you care, yes you can make helpful suggestions, yes you can tell him what you want and what you need but it is up to him to make changes that can help save his marriage you can't do it for him.  Is he doing the work, making changes that can help? Is he walking the walk or just talking the talk? Stop listening to the words (much of which is FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt) and watch his actions.  Is he taking any action to save his marriage?

Another member said this in another post and it so simply states what I think we come to once we decide to leave a dysfunctional marriage or any other dysfunctional relationship.

There's a difference between giving up and saying enough is enough

Take Care,
Panda39

[Turkish]

If you divorce,  why would he lose custody? Many members here share custody with cheating spouses. Unless there is a danger to the child, the courts typically don't care about this.  Even if it would turn out not to be joint custody.  A visitation schedule could be agreed upon where he would get plenty of time to spend with his child. 

About the infidelity,  I'm sorry... .I experienced it too, and it's a horrible betrayal. 

[takingandsending]

Hi slp987 and Welcome to bpdfamily. 

I can see how difficult and heart heavy this situation is for you. I think we have all felt the same way, and the decision to end a marriage or stay and try to salvage what is not working, and not supporting, is really a lonely and difficult burden to carry. I am sorry that you are going through all of this.

I do everything. I work (I took a step down to work from home because our 6 year old was recently diagnosed with anxiety and possibly bipolar, and he needs consistency and can't handle before/after care. Husband has stated that though he is home, he cannot handle more than short bursts of time with our son). I bring in the money, pay the bills, raise our son entirely on my own. I make the appointments, manage our son's condition, cook, shop, clean, pack the car for vacations, make the phone calls, etc. I do everything. This had been ok for me for the longest time. Finding those dating apps, plus him expressing how miserable he was, and my final acceptance that I don't think he'll be able to ever live a typical life and contribute in any meaningful way (he thinks he can), has led me to the horrible realization that this marriage isn't working.

When I remove the dating apps from the equation, then my reasons for leaving him start to feel trivial. Is it worth ending a marriage because I feel like I do everything, and that I feel he'll never fully be able to contribute? I feel like I'm taking a cop-out, an easy solution.

This is the normalization of a non or low functioning relationship that Panda talks about. What you wrote was me. And my xw didn't cheat on me. It was me being responsible, doing everything and getting nothing in return and having my xw express her unhappiness daily and make me responsible for that unhappiness.

For me, leaving meant some of the things that you feel it will mean for your h - that I wouldn't get to see my two sons every day, I would lose those opportunities to shape and experience their lives, which really means everything to me. But, as Turkish mentions, I share custody with my wife. I still see my sons each week, and I am still the one who helps them with their homework, is involved in their musical development, inspires play and creativity, and most importantly, validates their experiences as they grow up.

Is it as often, as much as I want? No. Is it enough? I have learned it's my decision to make my time with them the best it can be. I can choose to be unhappy and complain that it's not enough, or I can appreciate each moment I have with them. I choose the latter.

You don't get to choose what your h does. You have to allow him to be responsible for his choices. The version of relationship that you are in right now allows him to not be responsible for his choices because you have taken on all that responsibility. That is not a trivial reason for ending a marriage. I think most people would agree that a marriage actually cannot be healthy with one person taking on all of the responsibility.

I get how hard this is for you right now. We are here as a community to help you walk your path, whatever you decide. There are excellent resources on this website regarding communication, boundaries, self inventory that are very helpful in sorting out how to proceed forward. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome.  First off, I would like to suggest reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist in Your Life" by Fjelstad; and possibly, "Emotional Blackmail" by Forward.  I have read those books, and many more, and find they set me straight as to the logical part of my feelings of responsibility for another adults' state of being.  

Secondly, if you are really looking at divorce, remember this is just one step along the way.  You don't really know how divorce will work out.  I advocate for dads getting and staying involved in their kids life.  I think a lot of society, and even the courts, are starting to see this too.  If your H is a good dad, he will be a good dad - divorced or married.  True, access to his kids will be more contested and controlled after divorce, but, his heart should be in the right place.  And if his heart is in the wrong place (not with the kids) then his marital status, or threat of divorce, won't change it.  If you believe that divorce is necessary, then life will have to adapt to that.  If he returns to his native country and leaves the kid, shame on him.  A real man does all he can for his kids.  Either way, it sounds like you'll adapt.  Bad things happen to good people, and that includes good kids. Just an armchair observation, but if you H falls apart when the kid isn't around him that sounds suspiciously like emotional incest or parentification - in which the parent's emotional needs are met by the child, and not the other way around.  It is not healthy and will not lead to a better kid, or parent.

Third, and I struggle the most with this, is that I know how hard it is to do something to hurt someone's feelings.  I get the sense that you aren't sure about divorce because of how bad it would make you feel for hurting your ex-H's feelings.  I get it.  I've been emotionally burned-out and done with marriage (and actually unhappy since it started 20 years ago), and yet one reason I stay married and avoid talk of divorce is that I don't want to hurt my wife's feelings.  How funny, stupid-sounding, and self-destructive that mindset is!  (and I'm accusing only myself)

Good luck.  We all help each other around here.  There are some very experienced and wise members, so I look forward to more input for you from them.  I hope things go well for you.  I know how hard it is to look at hard choices, each with difficult consequences.  

[Waddams]

He said he has no support system here in terms of family, not much money, nowhere to go, and no matter where he went, or what eventually happened, he'd lose what he has with his son

I see this as a result of him not overcoming his bipolar disorder to the extent needed to reach a higher functioning state.  People have a tendency to excuse self-sabotaging and destructive behavior in disordered people because "they can't help themselves".  I'm going to suggest to you that is bupkis.  He's got a disorder, yes.  :)oes it give him a free pass from having to still figure out how to contribute more to his own life, his marriage, as a father, as a member of society?  Absolutely not!

So I'm going to further suggest that his treatment for bipolar may need to be revamped to allow for him to reach a higher functioning state.  One where he can get and maintain a good paying, stable job.  One where he can go out, develop other relationships locally with appropriate people and build a bigger support system around himself.  One where he can be a more effective parent to your's and his son.  But he has to have the internal motivation and dedication to do the work he needs to do to reach a higher functioning state.  Is the potential of losing his family enough motivation for him?  Like I said, his bipolar condition is not a free pass.  Instead of more depression, melting down, crying, and begging and pleading with you to just hang in there, he needs to realize he needs to improve for himself, his own well being, as well as his ability to function better as a husband and father.  His condition does not give him a free pass from accountability - you are right to hold him accountable.

One other thing I'll throw out - I believe when you marry, you don't just marry a person.  You marry into their extended family, and the extended family should be accepting of the new spouse as a "member of the club".  So in terms of support network, within reasonable boundaries and accountability towards him, he should have responsible support from the family he married into.  It should be support that holds him accountable and doesn't enable more of the same crap he's been putting you through, but it should be there.  But that's also something that others might not agree with, and that's okay.  It's just the world according to Waddams.

So ask yourself - can he accomplish this kind of growth?  I'd recommend you put it to him that he needs to grow, his condition is not a free pass, he's still accountable, and if he doesn't grow into a man that can be the husband and father that his family needs, if he continues to be a detriment like this, that he is going to loose his family.

[livednlearned]

Hi slp987

It's very challenging to take care of two loved ones who both suffer from a mental illness, especially when one is a child.

My son's father is bipolar/BPD or some combination, and while my son is not bipolar, he checks off a lot of other issues that look very similar to what his dad struggled with: OCD, ADHD/ADD combined type, social anxiety, depression.

I felt I had to make a choice, to be honest. Either I helped my son, or I helped his father. It was not possible to do both. And in the end, it was the right choice because my son's father is an adult and has the capacity (though not quite the willingness) to take care of his own mental and emotional health.

These are not easy decisions, and your husband may respond in different ways. For our family, a hard decision had to be made and to my great sadness, our son's father was not able to pull himself together and make good choices. He felt victimized and ended up cutting contact from our son. Sadly, and in a very complicated way, this is both painful for our son, and also the reason he has been able to do some healing.

I send you positive thoughts as you work to make this very difficult decision. When a parent AND a child has a mental illness, I don't know that there are any easy decisions.

It really comes down to taking care of yourself so that you have the strength to get through each day.