I keep messing up

[Kelbel]

I keep messing up. I am learning the theory of tools like SET, but in practice I keep invalidating. I think I’m just too angry and upset to use helpful tools in communication, and certain behaviours and words keep triggering in me the same destructive responses from me as they have over the last 14 years. I know I am getting this all wrong. I feel embarrassed relating my responses and behavior to you here, but I know I have to be honest.

My partner (we’re both female) moved to a different bedroom two months ago and has not properly spoken to me since. She says she has nothing to say to me. I’ve tried several times over the weeks to talk to her about it (using what I now, reading about BPD, realise are unhelpful strategies) and got nowhere, and have pretty much resigned myself to waiting for this to see itself out. In the meantime I am behaving as distantly towards her as she is towards me – I’m not sure how else I can be in the face of this treatment from her, but I know my behavior isn’t helping and would like this to change, but I don’t know what to.

On Friday, after drinking quite a bit of alcohol, I did the begging thing, cried all over her, told her I adore her, told her I know she loves me and her current feelings towards me aren’t actually to do with the reality of her feelings towards me but something else (invalidating to her, and humiliating to me). I got no response til the next day, when she said she loves me but needs to move on. I invalidated again, telling her that though she feels like this now, it’s just how she is dealing with stuff, and she will change her mind as she has before (so invalidating, and pathetic).

Last night she knocked at the door of our (currently my) room and asked if I would be around this evening. I had an instant surge of hope that she was going to ask me to dinner, to talk or whatever, and I said yes, I would be. She said she needed some help moving some heavy furniture upstairs, in order to make way for us to then bring down some furniture she has decided to give to a friend of hers. I (disappointed that it was not what I’d hoped) replied ‘whatever’ (invalidating again, disrespectful, unloving, dismissive, I know), in agreement to helping. Having thought about it for a few minutes, I got upset and annoyed. I had a picture in my mind of us silently cooperating in completing the task, which would probably take an excruciating half an hour, and her politely thanking me when it was finished. Too painful. It also hit a bit of a sore spot – before my recent conclusion that my partner is uBPD, what hurt the most (and what still actually really hurts, despite my developing understanding of the reasons for her behaviour) is how selective this treatment is. I went to her and told her I would not be helping because she is not speaking to me. She replied that she would get someone else to help and repeated that she has nothing to say to me.

My partner is going on holiday on Friday for 10 days and while I know this will be a relief for both of us, I will also find it painful that this situation has not been resolved before she leaves and, whereas there is some minimal contact now, I know there will be no contact at all for the entire 10 days – however I know there is nothing I can do about that.

In the meantime, the furniture needs moving this evening, and I know my response to her request was not good. Can I turn this around and if so how can I do it in the right way? I guess can just pop her an email at work telling her that if she still needs help, of course I will help, and leave it at that? I am ashamed of my own incompetence in managing this relationship and my communication with my partner, but would appreciate any comments.

Kelbel

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kelbel]

I should mention, as well as coming to the conclusion that my partner has BPD, I believe I am codependent, and I have actively engaged in high conflict behaviour over the years. I have developed behaviours that I think were quite alien to me before and I am a very different person to who I was when I met my partner 14 years ago. I am trying to focus on myself rather than being upset or angry about this silence, and I know those feelings don't help. I have unhealthy habits to break. I feel everything I do now is driven by hurt, and I am struggling to get away from that.

I wonder what would have been a better response to my partner's request for help yesterday, and what I can do now to improve matters.

[Tattered Heart]

I keep messing up. I am learning the theory of tools like SET, but in practice I keep invalidating. I think I’m just too angry and upset to use helpful tools in communication, and certain behaviours and words keep triggering in me the same destructive responses from me as they have over the last 14 years. I know I am getting this all wrong. I feel embarrassed relating my responses and behavior to you here, but I know I have to be honest.

Don't beat yourself up. We ALL make mistakes in our responses. We are human. One thing mindfulness teaches is to not get caught up in the "should haves". "Should haves" lead to shame and shame leads to toxic behavior. What can you do to separate your response from the emotion? You have been reacting to life without these new skills since childhood. It takes time and practice to change behavior.

One thing to look at is something called healthy detachment. This is a way that you can remove yourself from the enmeshment so you can get out of the emotion. Just like our pwBPD thinks that their perception= reality, we can do that to and that's what happens when we get emotional in our reactions. Some things to help with healthy deatchment:

1. Accept reality. There is nothing you can do to change anyone else besies yourself. Other people's problems are not yours to solve.
2. Give yourself credit for what you have done for your own growth and in times to help your pwBPD
3. Restore balance. Seek balance and peace as best you can
4. Let go. Others' behavior is not a refelction on you and their behaviors are not personal. Only you can control how much you'll take and how you will respond.
5. React less. NOtice when your feelings seem to tied to the other person, try to figure out why this happens, then practice detachment next time.
6. Practice self care. Get in touch with your own needs and wants. Let others take care of you, accept their compliments, and find mutual relationships.

Taken from personalgrowthassoc.com

www.personalgrowthassoc.com/detachment.html

[Kelbel]

Thank you, Tattered Heart.

I as well think by refusing to help, I have perhaps tried to exercise some type of control as currently I feel powerless, which in itself is not how I should be feeling - as you say, I can't expect to control someone else's feelings and behaviours; I can control my own feelings and behaviours, and so am not powerless. I'm also reminded of advice I received in response to another post of mine, to react to facts not judgement. I think I reacted to the feelings generated by her difference in treatment of me compared to others (here, her friend), which then presumes (judges) she can control this, which I gather she can't.

It's just so difficult to think clearly and reflect, to respond and not react, when in pain. But every interaction is a new opportunity to do better.

[badknees1]

Kelbel, I share your feelings. Last night I blew it and defended myself against my BPD wife's random criticism. My radar was not on and I forgot to remain calm, centered, and a little detached from the moment. I tried to explain why some household chores she complained about were not done. I went to my script about all I do and that's why I missed the chores she saw undone, which in a way, invalidates her comments. As the eve wore on my comments got her more and more emotional and she fell into the raging chaos I had no intent to cause her a few hours earlier. I screwed up then and I feel really bad this morning. my stomach is upset and I have anxiety about the rest of the day. I reacted to her feelings. The advice from Tattered Heart rings true. It is what it is... .she is very mad and upset with me, she feels betrayed, and I am scum. I cannot change this right now. I can't hate myself. If she calls or texts me I validate her feelings. She will call me names, but I'll not validate those, instead I can validate her feelings and her emotions about me. I cannot solve her problem, her resentment of me etc. due to my mistake, I need to let go of it. The test of this will be when she texts me or calls me and sees me at home today. No matter what I control what I feel and how I act. Hang in there Kelbel. You are not a bad person at all. Your BPD partner's views are not always what's real. You are not alone, you are going to make it, there is more life to live. 

[Kelbel]

Good morning badknees1, and thank you for your reply and encouraging words. It sounds as if your JADE-ing is an exception and not the rule for you and that you have good strategies that you usually use, and I wonder how long it took you to get to that place. What’s happening still hurts you though, and I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling bad today and hope the day gets better.

It’s very early days for me in trying to change my thinking and behaviour. It’s so hard when the person you love doesn’t just tell you what they feel – or they do but you feel you can’t rely on it as their truth even when they are in this zone, and if it is what they will feel when they are out of the zone. I am learning that what my partner feels now is real, but that her feelings may be a product of her defence mechanisms and temporary - but that’s just maybe, and it’s hard not knowing.

Last night, after my pushing the conversation again (wrong move, I know, as though it’s been two months and I’m struggling and want it to stop, my actions aren’t actually going to help that happen), she told me that we want different things, and that the reason she isn’t speaking to me is because I haven’t actually done anything wrong, or words to that effect, implying I think that she thinks we should part. I am consumed by how to interpret this – does she mean that she knows I am worthy of love but she simply doesn’t love me and feels too guilty about this to actually end it? does she mean that she doesn’t love me enough to support me in my decisions that conflict with what she wants, and would rather we parted? And whatever she means, is it her defence mechanisms talking?

I suppose obsessing about what she is thinking is not the right way to go and I should be focussing on myself. But I am in limbo while things are as they are and I want a conclusion. I guess the only way I can have a conclusion, if I insist on having one, is to make a decision about what I want, and whether I am willing to sit this out and work on it from my side for now. The last time this happened (about 4 years ago) all I had to go on was her behaviour (sleeping on the couch, not speaking to me, not responding to my attempts to discuss what was wrong) and the conclusion I came to was that she didn’t love me but couldn’t end it and so I did. I didn’t want to, but I honestly believed she didn’t love me any more. It took nine months of painful separation before we reconciled - I can’t go through that again, and I don’t think she could either. This time realising that she is likely uBPD is helping me, but I know I need to focus on myself and not obsess about what she is feeling, what she means, what she wants. I will hang in there, like you say : )

Thank you again for sharing what’s happening with you, badknees1. It helps to feel understood. 

[Lakebreeze]

Kelbel, please be kind to yourself. This stuff is SO hard to put into practice. It takes an untold amount of patience and persistence. I first figured out about my husband's uBPD in April and here we are in August and I rarely get it right so hang in there. And the hurt and the pain... .It's so real so try to help yourself heal. Good luck!

[Kelbel]

Thanks Lakebreeze. It’s about six weeks since I found out about BPD and saw the traits in my partner, and I see it is relatively early days for you too. Right now I feel no further forward, and still feel in a fog. I am trying to be kind to myself and help myself heal but it is hard to stay focused on that. Reminders and encouragement from the people on this board is helping though, immensely.

[Kelbel]

So here is where I am at now (the background being, my partner moved out of our bedroom two months ago and hasn’t spoken to me properly since; she’s recently, when pushed, told me she loves me but needs to move on, and that we want different things).

My partner went on holiday on Friday with her sister and her family, for 10 days. I had been invited when the holiday was originally booked but couldn’t get the time off work.

On Friday just before she left for her holiday my partner said ‘it’s not too late’ (for me to go on the holiday, she meant). I don’t know what my partner’s motive was for saying it wasn’t too late, and I struggle to believe that it was because she actually wanted me to go, but whatever her motive, my response wasn’t good. Instead of giving a loving, considered response, or even a neutral response, I spoke from hurt and anger and I am really kicking myself.

I told it her was too late, that I can’t take a week off work just like that, and who will be available to look after our dog at this time of year at this notice? I said anyway you haven’t spoken to me for two months so, what, would we go and not speak? Or would you suddenly be speaking to me again? And, what, would we be going as friends? She replied ‘you’re my sister’s friend too’. This was a trigger for me, confirming for me in my then state of mind that as far as she is concerned she and I are friends, no longer partners. I told her to go away, in not very nice terms (that would be deleted from this site if I posted it), which was horrible, and again will actually achieve the opposite of what I want. While I can make he excuse of being under extreme stress, why would someone want to be with someone who speaks to them like that?

I know I have developed behaviours and responses in the course of this relationship that were not part of who I was before. Maybe I have learned this stuff or maybe the relationship has brought out my dark side. I am stuck in old patterns and so easily triggered. I received some very good advice from an Advisor on this Board a couple of weeks ago, pointing out that when I say stuff like ‘so have we split up?’, ‘so are we just friends?’, my partner’s interpretation could be that this (for us to split up, for us to be friends not partners)  is what I want. At the very least, I’m putting words in her mouth that she hasn’t actually said, and it takes us to a place we weren't in. So unhelpful.

So now my partner is away on holiday. I have not heard from her, which I expected, and I have not contacted her. I am not sure that sending a text or whatever would be a good idea, I’m not sure what I would say. So I guess I will have to wait to see what my partner’s return brings, and be more considered, and loving not hurt and angry, in what I do and say.

[RandomName]

Hello Kelbel. I am new to this forum, new to BPD, and new to dating. Thank you for sharing, though I am not at the duration or experience stage as you are, I found some things familiar and that helped.

What if you were to text your partner a brief, simplified version of what you've posted her? "I hope you and your family are enjoying the trip, you all deserved a holiday. I'm sorry that I acted in hurt and anger, and am regretting that I'm not there with you. I look forward to hearing about the trip." Not knowing anything else about the relationship than what you've written here, I think that might go a long way.

[Kelbel]

Hi RandomName and thank you for your reply.

I wish I had behaved differently on Friday. I wish I had said ‘Thank you for saying that, and I would love to come but it is too late to organise that, with work etc. You will have a lovely time though, the time apart will be good for us, and hopefully when you get back we will be in a better place’. But I didn’t. I wonder should I say that now, and like you suggest, explain that my reaction on Friday was all due to hurt. Or should I just leave it.

I don’t what is the right thing to do now. I don’t want her to think I don’t care, but I also don’t want to impose, given that she has opted not to communicate with me, and that I also think that this time apart is probably a good thing in terms of gaining perspective, for both of us.

I think part of my problem here is fear that if I don’t intercede now, she will return and tell me that it is over, and in a clear mind actually mean it. But if that is going to happen, that is going to happen anyway, no? I think I feel out of control of this situation, and that that is something that I really struggle with, as left to her own devices my partner may take us down a route I don’t want to go down. But I think perhaps the best thing to do is to do nothing and see how things fall.

[eggfry]

Kelbel,

The fact that you're educating yourself and aware of your reactions is a huge step! A lot of people are in the dark and we've been there making the wrong responses, JADE-ing. I've only known about BPD for 9-10 months. And still am quite terrible at practicing all the tools and putting all the resources I've learned about into practice. Don't beat yourself up.

Just today I was reactive instead of detached. It's difficult when we're so emotionally invested. I definitely had a moment of weakness and let him bait me into arguing the last couple days. And today we are back to NC and 'break ups'. It's a cycle for us and I didn't pay attention to what was going on with myself. I needed some space of my own to keep a level head. Reading your post made me quite introspective and I'm regretting how sour I left things. It's difficult to hear some of the things they say and not have a reaction. Or when the communication isn't clear. I often find my self feeling resentment and have to check myself. Or realizing after that I let myself get caught up in a nonsensical argument. It takes awhile to recognize the signs in ourselves and in others.

Have you tried writing down what you're feeling? I often get caught up in my thoughts and emotions and have a difficult time voicing them especially when my pwBPD is asking me questions. Sometimes it's just helpful for myself to organize my thoughts in a place where there is no extra input or questions or yelling. It's just my space for me.  It might be worth sending her exactly what you wanted to say and just let her know that you want to respect her wishes and will give her the space she wants post email. It may give you some peace of mind that you said what your heart wanted. If you don't want to contact her it might still be helpful to write it for you.

Hope things brighten for you, you're not alone. Keep doing things for you and take care of yourself

[ortac77]

Really I can only echo the comments of do not beat yourself up. The tools are excellent but it is good to remember that we too are human and as my therapist reminds me -it is a complex and serious mental health disorder. Indeed many therapists fight shy of dealing with BPD clients so it is good to realise that is mere mortals are doing the best we can with the tools we have but of course we will get it wrong on occasions.

As a 'non' I find the more I understand BPD the better equipped I am but equally the more I learn about myself the more I realise that the need to detach is vital or I can end up damaged rather than nurtured by a relationship.

Perhaps take this time apart to really examine what you want/need - it took me a long time to work through initially I put it down to co- depency but it was actually caretaking that was my problem and one I now address through my own therapy.

Sending hugs

[Kelbel]

Thank you eggfry and ortac for you understanding and suggestions.

Yes, as you suggest eggfry, it did actually help to put in to written words what I wish I had said. I have not sent the words to my partner, though.

My partner is still away on holiday and I haven’t contacted her or heard from her. I have been in touch with her sister, who my partner is on holiday with, and she tells me that my partner is not good company at all. She is drinking alongside, it seems, taking something else to give her a buzz (prescription meds probably, something like cocodamol) so, when they return to her from day trips, she is very much out of it and slurring her words. She’s being very opinionated, apparently, and putting out (not sure in what way) that she doesn’t need anyone. I have told my sister in law (I call her that, though my partner and I aren’t married) that my partner adores her and her husband, and she has responded that my partner’s behavior at present does not reflect this, and that I bring out the best in my partner.

My partner has a bit of a sketchy track record on holiday. Rarely does a holiday that is longer than a long weekend go entirely without a hitch, mood-wise. She has sometimes isolated herself, not socialising, lying in the sun and drinking, not communicating much if at all. She has tried to abandon me on holiday on a number of occasions – four times over the years, I think – which has damaged the holiday experience for not only me but our companions.  

Now my partner does absolutely adore her sister and her husband and children, usually. It’s very unusual for her to behave in their presence in ways that would invite criticism. Last year, when we were on holiday with her sister and co, following a stupid drunken argument with me, my partner quietly packed up her stuff and left late at night, stayed away over night with no contact with anyone, and booked herself a flight home. She was only brought back by a text from her sister telling her that, because she didn’t want this type of extreme behavior around her kids, if she did not come back she would not be welcome to participate in holidays with them in the future. Amazingly, my partner responded to this ultimatum and returned.

This time, I had expected that she would have a lovely holiday with them, all the more so for my absence, and hoped she would come back refreshed and perhaps with a different attitude to me. Now I am concerned about what frame of mind she will be in when she comes back from her holiday, particularly is she is becoming alienated from her sister and her husband – the only people she really cherishes). My partner doesn’t tend to speak to anyone about her feelings, and doesn’t seek or listen to advice anyway – I think she thinks she is an independent thinker and everyone else is a sheep. But I think without a point of reference to at least have in mind to keep her on the straight and narrow, like her sister (i.e. someone whose respect she wants to retain) she could take her BPD skewed thinking and resulting behavior to another level. As might feeling but not being able to admit that she has not behaved well on holiday.

I am wondering whether to send her a brief text to try to plant some loving seeds, perhaps as follows: ‘Hi sweetpea, I hope you are all having a lovely time. Things were not good between us before you went away. This time apart will hopefully have been good for us and I hope things are better between us when you get back. Enjoy the rest of your holiday. I love you xxx’.

Or is this a bad idea?