Need suggestions on my current relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I am married to a BPD woman. I feel like calling her girl (because I feel she lacks the maturity of a woman). Anyways I need some suggestions from people here on my current relationship. My wife has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (both by a mental health professional and also when I made her read about BPD and its symptoms, she agreed that she has most of those symptoms). So basically she knows she has BPD.

And I will tell you what her bad behaviors are (We all have a few flaws but these are the ones which bother me):

1. She has very high emotional reactivity. Things that wont bother me, it bothers her immensely and she loses control. Once she loses control, she projects on me. She suddenly forgets everything I did for her and starts blaming me, accusing me of things that's not true
2. She gets irritated quickly (both on me and her own family members. She has never shouted on my family members). She later feels bad about getting irritated and angry.
3. This one I really hate. She completely misinterprets me sometimes. Something harmless and innocent I have said, can mean to her that I am trying to scheme against her and abandoned her. Then she loses control and displays her bad behaviors again like violent unhealthy rage and when she is in that mood, even though I try to explain in the most layman way possible, she doesnt want to listen
4. Some of her actions and thinking seems very immature of her age which irritates me.

 
However there's also something else I want to mention. I have read many horror stories as experiences of people who have been in a relationship with a BP and how those BPs have been completely non-empathetic to the non-BP, cruel, remorseless and even crucified the non-BP emotionally and financially with self-made lies, false criminal accusations, adultery, wild allegations, false drama etc. However I feel my wife isn't so bad like those BPs in those experiences. Right now what I know about her, she is not a person who will file false criminal charges on anybody or commit adultery. So far she has been faithful to me. She has done things for me. I have even gone ahead and checked her Facebook, Whatsapp etc in her mobile (I know its a bad habbit) and I have never found an instance where she has cheated on me (even not a single flirting message). Before me coming into her life, she was in a relationship with another guy. That relationship ended most likely due to her bad behaviors. From what she has told me about her past, I felt that guy had enough and walked away. However she has never spoken ill about that guy to me which I really liked. She has even at times blamed herself as to how temperamental she is and how her behaviors were not good. When that relationship broke, she cried a lot, even attempted suicide but did not raise any false allegations on that guy or spread any bad word about him.

When she rages, behaves badly and becomes hurtful, we fight. When she hurts me enough, I tell her on her face that I will not take this ___ and we should separate. Then when she calms down and maybe realizes what she has done, she breaks down completely pleading with me not to leave her, asking for forgiveness and even asking me to slap her for her behavior (I never do that) but not leave her. I feel sorry for her during those times.

We have been in marriage for close to a year now. After a serious fight we had and I felt extremely hurt and wanted to leave and then when things cooled down, she agreed to go to a psychiatrist of my choice. She visited my psychiatrist once who knows her disorder but didn't explicitly mention it to her. I cannot be sure but feel she has since been trying to practice what the psychiatrist told her. She may not be successful all the time but I have a slight feeling she is trying (its a good thing to me).

I have also made her read about BPD and its symptoms and unlike other BPs I have heard before, she has not said like she doesnt have any problem. In fact she agreed that she has majority of those symptoms. I have also mentioned to her that I want her to get professional help for her disorder. Even though initially she nagged a bit to not go to a mental health professional about it but when I was persistent and explained her how it will help her, she has eventually agreed to seek help for it but not prioritized it for right now. I have also told her that how there are high chances that children of BP can also get BP traits and that she has to take that professional help before we bring a child. She has said, she will.

So this is the situation I am in right now. I feel my wife is a more sane BP than those horror stories I have read about. Those horror stories really scare me. Is there a chance my wife will get worse or become like one of those BPs in future?

Even though I have fought with her and not taken any of her ___, I have also been supportive to her and tried doing everything I can to help her. When needed and when she was correct, I have stood up for her even against my own parents who wronged her (they have not been able to accept our marriage). I have fought with them and stood up for her because she is my wife. I have always tried to be a gentleman and a strong man in this relationship. I have a little bit of 'caretaker' tendencies but I stay cautious that I am giving her a chance to sort herself out rather than sorting the whole thing for her.

So what do you guys think about my situation?

[smart_storm26]

Hi everyone,

I am married to a BPD woman. I feel like calling her girl (because I feel she lacks the maturity of a woman). Anyways I need some suggestions from people here on my current relationship. My wife has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (both by a mental health professional and also when I made her read about BPD and its symptoms, she agreed that she has most of those symptoms). So basically she knows she has BPD.

And I will tell you what her bad behaviors are (We all have a few flaws but these are the ones which bother me):

1. She has very high emotional reactivity. Things that wont bother me, it bothers her immensely and she loses control. Once she loses control, she projects on me. She suddenly forgets everything I did for her and starts blaming me, accusing me of things that's not true
2. She gets irritated quickly (both on me and her own family members. She has never shouted on my family members). She later feels bad about getting irritated and angry.
3. This one I really hate. She completely misinterprets me sometimes. Something harmless and innocent I have said, can mean to her that I am trying to scheme against her and abandoned her. Then she loses control and displays her bad behaviors again like violent unhealthy rage and when she is in that mood, even though I try to explain in the most layman way possible, she doesnt want to listen
4. Some of her actions and thinking seems very immature of her age which irritates me.

 
However there's also something else I want to mention. I have read many horror stories as experiences of people who have been in a relationship with a BP and how those BPs have been completely non-empathetic to the non-BP, cruel, remorseless and even crucified the non-BP emotionally and financially with self-made lies, false criminal accusations, adultery, wild allegations, false drama etc. However I feel my wife isn't so bad like those BPs in those experiences. Right now what I know about her, she is not a person who will file false criminal charges on anybody or commit adultery. So far she has been faithful to me. She has done things for me. I have even gone ahead and checked her Facebook, Whatsapp etc in her mobile (I know its a bad habbit) and I have never found an instance where she has cheated on me (even not a single flirting message). Before me coming into her life, she was in a relationship with another guy. That relationship ended most likely due to her bad behaviors. From what she has told me about her past, I felt that guy had enough and walked away. However she has never spoken ill about that guy to me which I really liked. She has even at times blamed herself as to how temperamental she is and how her behaviors were not good. When that relationship broke, she cried a lot, even attempted suicide but did not raise any false allegations on that guy or spread any bad word about him.

When she rages, behaves badly and becomes hurtful, we fight. When she hurts me enough, I tell her on her face that I will not take this ___ and we should separate. Then when she calms down and maybe realizes what she has done, she breaks down completely pleading with me not to leave her, asking for forgiveness and even asking me to slap her for her behavior (I never do that) but not leave her. I feel sorry for her during those times.

We have been in marriage for close to a year now. After a serious fight we had and I felt extremely hurt and wanted to leave and then when things cooled down, she agreed to go to a psychiatrist of my choice. She visited my psychiatrist once who knows her disorder but didn't explicitly mention it to her. I cannot be sure but feel she has since been trying to practice what the psychiatrist told her. She may not be successful all the time but I have a slight feeling she is trying (its a good thing to me).

I have also made her read about BPD and its symptoms and unlike other BPs I have heard before, she has not said like she doesnt have any problem. In fact she agreed that she has majority of those symptoms. I have also mentioned to her that I want her to get professional help for her disorder. Even though initially she nagged a bit to not go to a mental health professional about it but when I was persistent and explained her how it will help her, she has eventually agreed to seek help for it but not prioritized it for right now. I have also told her that how there are high chances that children of BP can also get BP traits and that she has to take that professional help before we bring a child. She has said, she will.

So this is the situation I am in right now. I feel my wife is a more sane BP than those horror stories I have read about. Those horror stories really scare me. Is there a chance my wife will get worse or become like one of those BPs in future?

Even though I have fought with her and not taken any of her ___, I have also been supportive to her and tried doing everything I can to help her. When needed and when she was correct, I have stood up for her even against my own parents who wronged her (they have not been able to accept our marriage). I have fought with them and stood up for her because she is my wife. I have always tried to be a gentleman and a strong man in this relationship. I have a little bit of 'caretaker' tendencies but I stay cautious that I am giving her a chance to sort herself out rather than sorting the whole thing for her.

So what do you guys think about my situation?

[Lucky Jim]

I stay cautious that I am giving her a chance to sort herself out rather than sorting the whole thing for her.

Hey smart storm, What do you expect her to do in order to "sort herself out"?  Is your expectation realistic?  Instead of focusing on her, I suggest you focus on yourself and what you can do to improve your marriage.

LuckyJim

[smart_storm26]

Hello Jim,

"what you can do to improve your marriage"

I have already done what I can to improve the marriage. I do not see anything else I can do apart from what I have already done - supporting her, being there, motivating her for professional help etc. She also has responsibilities and a part to play in the marriage. Not just me.

"What do you expect her to do in order to "sort herself out"?"

I expect her to take charge of her issues and work on them. I do not expect immediate results but I want to see her try and see her work towards the betterment of the relationship. That's what I expect.

"Instead of focusing on her, I suggest you focus on yourself"

I am absolutely focusing on myself. If she gets worse or if this relationship fails to become better, I will chalk out an exit plan. That much I am sure.

[babyducks]

Hi smart_storm

My partner was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder, comorbid with another disorder on the cluster B spectrum,... .most likely BPD.     She was compliant with medication, committed to therapy and managed her own mental health team without any intervention or assistance from me.    After 7 years she was released from therapy.

my partner did not like the term/label BPD.   here where I am, even amongst the fellow patients there was a stigma attached to that label .    considering that BPD has a huge shame component within it, adding another shaming label is sometimes a poor idea.

I cannot be sure but feel she has since been trying to practice what the psychiatrist told her. She may not be successful all the time but I have a slight feeling she is trying (its a good thing to me).

I have also made her read about BPD and its symptoms and unlike other BPs I have heard before, she has not said like she doesnt have any problem.

So this is the situation I am in right now. I feel my wife is a more sane BP than those horror stories I have read about. Those horror stories really scare me. Is there a chance my wife will get worse or become like one of those BPs in future?

Living with a mental illness is a difficult thing to do.   mental illnesses are unlike physical illnesses in that a 'cure' is sometimes hard to define.    the future path of a chronic illness is impossible to predict.
my partner continues to work very hard at managing her mental illnesses but without me in her life.  our relationship did not survive the additional stress and strain placed on it when she had an episode of bipolar mania.   at least that is the short version of the story.

I expect her to take charge of her issues and work on them. I do not expect immediate results but I want to see her try and see her work towards the betterment of the relationship. That's what I expect.

it's a good idea to be realistic and learn as much as you can about what is reasonable to expect.    BPD exists on a spectrum.    my partner, like your wife, was self aware.    I also never had a concern about infidelity, false allegations etc etc.   

personality is hard to change.    because it's formed early and embedded into your being.   most of us are somewhere on the spectrum for something.   me; I am depressive and avoidant by nature, and I struggle with that, sometimes having good days and sometimes having bad days.   I can't imagine what it's like for my ex-partner to struggle to manage her highly intense moods.

what would success look like to you?   what would be a sign that your relationship is moving in a direction that would make you feel more comfortable?

'ducks

[smart_storm26]

"my partner continues to work very hard at managing her mental illnesses but without me in her life.  our relationship did not survive the additional stress and strain placed on it when she had an episode of bipolar mania.   at least that is the short version of the story."

Babyducks,

Thank you for your reply.

I am sorry to hear that your relationship broke. I hope you will be in a fulfilling and happy relationship in the future.

Unless you are uncomfortable bringing it up, can you tell me your story like what was that episode and how did the relationship break. You can also PM me if you want.

And the episode you are talking about, did it happen before the therapy started or after therapy?

[babyducks]

Hi Summer Storm,

Thanks for your kind words.

For the entire time I have known my partner, and for the entire duration of our relationship she was in therapy, compliant with medication, and actively engaged in treatment.

We actually had a very good mental health team.   She had a psychiatrist for medication, a psychologist for therapy and a mental health nurse for support.  I had a psychologist to help me with my stuff and understanding what the relationship needed.   I would emphasize the amount of energy and effort that took.  On her part.

What that looked like for us was; we could go between 3 and 6 months before an emotional dysregulation like you described above.  The intense emotional storms of rage, projection, fear.   3 to 6 months.   That was success for us.    Your experience might be different.   

I don’t share specific details of what happened because I believe she is entitled to privacy around some of her toughest moments.   Suffice to say we were in a period of significant life stress.   Medical insurance had changed for her and she came very close to or maybe did interrupt her medication.   She need to find and establish a brand new mental health team, with all the new disclosures and new relationships that would entail.  While letting go of people she had relied on for years.   I was sick with bronchitis.   And we were in the process of moving.   A lot of stress.    And handling emotional stress is difficult for people with BPD.    There was a problem with the cat.    Believe it or not the problem with the cat was the breaking point.   Followed immediately by a nasty winter storm.   A blizzard really.  She became manic during the blizzard. 

She ended the relationship telling me she was trying as hard as she could but she just couldn’t do this anymore.   And disappeared for two weeks.   

I understand that a lot better now than I did when I was in the middle of it.    For me there was a lot of damage done.   Somewhere on this site is says it takes a great deal of emotional strength to be in a relationship with a pwBPD and not be damaged by it.   I was very tired.   When she returned in two weeks I took steps to sever our financial ties and let the relationship end.   Those are the bare bones details.   In truth there were a lot of moving parts during all that.

She is still on the periphery of my life.   I see her.   A lot.   I don’t speak with her much because it’s too difficult for me.   

While re-reading your first post I noticed this:

Then she loses control and displays her bad behaviors again like violent unhealthy rage and when she is in that mood, even though I try to explain in the most layman way possible, she doesnt want to listen

I wanted to mention that, honestly, it's not that she doesn't want to listen, it's the way an emotional dysregulation works, she can't listen.   I know that sounds odd.   There has been a fair amount of study over a great deal of time about what goes on during an emotional dysregulation and any way I attempt to describe it will fall short.

to be accurate I have to mention that emotional dysregulation appears in a few psychiatric disorders including C-PTSD and ADHD, and in those who are on the autism spectrum.   the brain is biologically processing differently.   

explaining logically almost never helps, because that part of our SO's brain is not working at that moment.   actually explaining logically is almost always going to make things worse.  because stress and confusion are being added as the pwBPD struggles to understand.

a loose comparison is, if you were with someone who was having a seizure and tried to explain what was going on, and why it was happening,... .nothing good would come of that.

there are suggestions on what to do in the face of an emotional dysregulation.   many of them are counter intuitive... .if you are interested.


Hope this helps.

‘ducks

[smart_storm26]

Babyducks,

Thanks for opening up and sharing your experience. I am sorry for what you went through and I also feel bad for your partner. I wish both of you a happy future

"there are suggestions on what to do in the face of an emotional dysregulation.   many of them are counter intuitive... .if you are interested" Can you talk to me more about this?

[babyducks]

"there are suggestions on what to do in the face of an emotional dysregulation.   many of them are counter intuitive... .if you are interested" Can you talk to me more about this?

Hi smart storm,

sure I will give it a swing, if you let me know what you think.   

for simplicity sake let's say there are two parts of the brain,   the thinking part and the feeling part.  most of us talk to ourselves, and to each other using a combination of both parts of the brain and never notice.

so if I walk into work and there is a chocolate donut sitting on the table
my feeling brain says (literally)I want that!
and thinking brain says "there are 330 calories in that thing"
feeling brain I don't care. I want it anyhow.
thinking brain "you've been trying to loose some weight"
feeling brain I told you I don't care.   that donut will make me happy.   it's chocolate
thinking brain "the doctor told you to cut back on sugar"
feeling brain what do you know.  I am eating the donut.
thinking brain "okay but if you eat the donut, we should have a 300 calorie work out at the gym later"
feeling brain oh okay

in an emotional dysregulation the feeling part of the brain is (as formflier would say) on fire, and the thinking part of the brain is either quiet or being overwhelmed.   and my donut conversation would look like this.

so if I walk into work and there is a chocolate donut sitting on the table
my feeling brain says (literally)I want that!
feeling brain I want it right now.
feeling brain   that donut will make me happy.   it's chocolate.
feeling brain nobody knows how much I really deserve this donut.  I am eating the donut..

you walk in and see me chewing on the donut.  in a logical kind of way from the thinking part of your brain you say "ducks - I thought you were trying to loose weight because of what the doctor said?"

and me being only feeling brain at the moment bites your head off and feeling brain says "mind your own business, it's probably your fault that this donut is even here".

so when I look at the conversation just from feeling brain, it's strangely mirrors many many conversations I had with my ex partner.   only, and unfortunately they weren't about donuts.  our conversations were always warp nine - hair on fire - dang the torpedoes

the advice I was always given, by all them professional people, and it seemed very counter intuitive to me, was talk to the emotion first.   the one doctor used to say "respond to the bipolar first".    she used to say the only way to reach the overwhelmed, gone silent thinking part was to go through the feeling part.  that's extremely hard to do,... and doesn't always work.

so I am enjoying my chocolate donut in a feral and guilty kind of way and you walk in and say "ducks - it looks like you are really enjoying that donut", my feeling brain starts to ratchet down and says "yeah I really needed to have this donut this morning"   your thinking brain trying to reach my thinking brain says "how is that going to work with the doctor and the loosing weight thing and all?" (active problem solving)   and my thinking brain may or may not kick in and say "ooh I dunno, I may have to go to the gym this afternoon".

I oversimplified the conversation by a factor of about a million.  but I am sure you get the point.   reaching for the feeling brain first is what many of the tools here do,... .validation.   set.   dearman.

I found it difficult to deal with the emotional intensity of many of our conversations.   took more guts than I had to sail into the face of some of those storms.  it was especially difficult when the emotions and feelings were directed at me.    It took me a long time to learn that responding to the feeling part didn't mean agreeing, accepting responsibility for it, apologizing for it or engaging at that level.    Lots of times I could say "wow it looks like you are feeling XYZ"   and lots of times I was too tired to expend that kind of energy over a simple conversation about the cat.

so how does all that look to you?   make any sense?

'ducks