Finally a breakthrough or just another cycle

[romanova]

There have been other threads about pwBPD "realizing" that they are the abusive ones, saying sorry, even encouraging their spouses to move on, etc. It is happening to me now.

I took a few days to ponder and really think this through. My first instinct "hell, no, it is just another manipulation". I said that to his face too. But a week has gone by and changes in him are really dropping my jaw.

He had his first therapy sessions early summer, but stopped after 3 sessions. Things were great for a month or so, then he went back to the same old. I was again pushing him, nagging, him, begging him - everything - so that he goes back to therapy with no success.

So, one night everything went down the drain. He lied, disappeared for the night, went back to a guy friend who used to go hunting women with. A friend who openly told my BPDh that he hates me for keeping my H married. Details are the same as any other on-the-edge-of-promiscuity incidents we've had millions of times before.

But it was me who completely lost it. After I found out that he actually lied to me about coming home but instead went out with that friend, I could not hold it together anymore. The thing is, he called me at the end of the day (5pm) saying that he got trouble with his car. He had to go to the mechanic and was waiting for the tow truck. He said that he'd be home later when he can drive again. When he didn't return at 9pm I called him to check. With his full on "eff you, what you gonna do now?" attitude he told me over the phone that he picked up dinner and went to see his friend and they're just sitting in his condo. When I said I wasn't told that before, his response is "Oh, what's wrong?"

That's when it occurred to me that he is testing my boundaries and doing it on purpose to get me over the edge. Whatever it does to him - negative or positive, attention is nice, right? Somehow I thought that nothing worked so far. None of the things I learn and practice, my crying, nagging, pushing, reasoning, fighting, encouraging, etc., wow there is nothing I haven't tried. Except for one - I didn't act like him. I decided to try it.

So, you can imagine, it was eye-for-eye, word-for-word. This lasted over the course of 3 days. I didn't break down, I kept it up with him. The fights would be something like this:

- You are the problem in this house, it is not healthy for me or the kids to have you around. (BPDh)
-Just like you are. I am copying everything you do and say, I've decided to be just like you, so yeah, kids are better off without you. (ME)
- Of course, you have all the alternatives. All the greasy hands touching you at work, f***ing around every day!
- Tell me about it, I learned all from you from the time when you went and f***ed A, B, and C, and God knows how many others I never found out about.
- You're a total b**&ch and a liar, I know you're sleeping around.
- Hey, that makes the two of us, now we match, perfect couple.
- Your kids are left without a father because of you, your first H was right to leave you.
- Just like your first wife, I hear things are good for her, I hope your son gets adopted by his step-dad.
- Look at you, trying so hard to get attention and think you can buy whatever and maybe even get new bigger boobs, so that you can get more "buddies" to f***.
- Too bad you don't even earn that, even if earned, can't get that thing enlarged, can you?
- How come not wearing those sexy pants again, who you kidding, your kids know who you really are. Everyone knows who you really are! How many VPs have you f***ed today, are you getting a promotion for that?
- Too bad you can't change from your uniform to perform your services, say when you go back to craigslist again to find other men. But hey, how about you at least wear your underwear that says "Switcher", they'll see it, they'll know. I know you're a switcher, why hide it from the whole world?

Wow!
Can you believe that happening for 3 days? As soon as he started, I'd go to the basement or send the kids out to the backyard so that they don't hear it. But I kept it up. Luckily I have way too much dirt on him.

He broke down finally and cried in front of me. He said that I was mean and that I hurt his feelings. I said he was being nasty too and my feelings were hurt even more. He stomped out saying I was ice-cold, no feelings in me, so what hurt am I talking about.

Saturday was quiet, avoiding each other, I kept busy, he was out almost all day. He came back int he evening and said he's seeing his therapist on Sunday. And he did! Sunday morning. Luckily, the therapist he has is amazing, he is available on the phone, text, and he even made time on Sunday!

Here comes the main part.
He came back from his session and told me that he had a good talk and it made him think about things that he didn't think in a long time. He said:"I realized that I am very insecure. It also occurred to me that when I'm feeling insecure, it comes out as abusive, emotionally abusive to you. I am sorry about the hurtful things I ever said".

I was shocked. I've never heard him say that before. Not like that. But the first thing I felt was that he was manipulating me again to get on my good side and to break me down again. I said:"That doesn't do anything to help me right now. You can realize it, but I have been telling it to you for years. So, what do you expect, that I'm gonna be all emotional and celebrate it with you? It only confirms how much my marriage sucks, nothing I didn't know!"

Yes, I was mean and intense and insensitive. But I am at the end of my rope here too and there is a reason why I'm on this forum. I was ready to just call it quits if he packs and goes again.

I thought hearing it from him would make me feel better but it didn't. It just made me feel sad and angry that I was right all this time and that I wasn't the problem like he made me believe so many times.

But he has been really trying since then. He is calm, says things like "I'll never be rude to you or the kids again. You have a reason to be upset. I know it was my behaviour. I'll do whatever it takes. Please, honey. Please."

Me? I was first skeptical. Then I was angry. Then I got depressed. Now I am going between angry and depressed. It is the thought of the last 5 years and what is to come. He knows he's abusive, I have little hope that it will change. I am now stuck here for the kids, just because they are just too young, but what is to come - years and years of anxious life around this guy?

For almost 2 weeks now I haven't let him touch me. I am avoiding him, don't want to talk or touch, nothing. He is trying though. But all of a sudden he is so soft with the kids, taking on a lot of the house chores, trying to do nice things for them and for me, even suggested that I go out after work because he's got the kids.

I haven't caved in. I don't want to. Last night it was another heated conversation (mostly I was heated and upset and ended up crying and leaving the room). I asked him for practical, solid answers. He keeps saying he'll be better, but how can a pwBPD be better just like that? Finally he mumbled that he's looking for a group DBT and he's been calling around. That he'll do whatever it takes to make it work. I still can't take his word for it. I basically don't believe him.

What do you think? What would you do if you were me?
I am not going to be the understanding, reasonable one, no! I can't go on being nice and absorbing his bs. Yes, all the techniques here help, but it is oh-so-exhausting.

Loosing hope when I am supposed to be more hopeful.

[AskingWhy]

Romanova, I am so sorry you are experiencing this.  You are a very strong person.

Even with a full grasp of the dynamics of BPD, it is painful to experience it from a family member or spouse.

I paused after I read that he broke down and cried.  This is clearly a conflicted man with deep roots of childhood trauma.

He is also clear to me that H is enmeshed with this girl-cruising buddy (who openly hates you) from whom he gets some sort of validation.  It could be that by marrying you, your H "abandoned" this buddy, and that the buddy resents you for it.

You mentioned H stopped counseling.  Maybe the revelations in therapy were too much to digest.  This often happens with those with serious personality disorders.  It's clear with his being open with you that he knows his behavior is inappropriate towards you and abusive.

Only time can tell if there is any movement forward or just cycling.