How to deal with the cycle of broken promises?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi Friends -

I could use some advice on how to respond when BPDh continues breaking promises. Throughout my r/s with BPDh, he's always been very casual about making and breaking promises. It's as if his word means nothing to him. And now it seems to be happening more and more frequently. Examples: He totaled our car last year bc he was texting and driving, so he promised to not text and drive anymore. He regularly continues to text and drive. When I remind him of his promise, he does one of 2 things: gets mad at me, or just says "Sorry, I won't do it again." He does it again the very next day. Then we continue the cycle again. Last week, it was his promise to not scream in our apartment (for all to hear). I tell him he promised, he gets mad, deflects to me ("You made me scream", very unremorsefully apologizes, promises not to scream anymore, then is screaming again the next day or sometimes even an hour later. It's from small things: "I swear I'll make that phone call when I get home," to huge things: "I promise not to threaten to cheat anymore."

I explain to him that each time he does this, it makes me trust his word less and less, but he doesn't seem to understand and gets annoyed that I have a hard time believing anything he says. I'm at a complete loss at what to do.

[bananas2]

Hi Friends -

I could use some advice on how to respond when BPDh continues breaking promises. Throughout my r/s with BPDh, he's always been very casual about making and breaking promises. It's as if his word means nothing to him. And now it seems to be happening more and more frequently. Examples: He totaled our car last year bc he was texting and driving, so he promised to not text and drive anymore. He regularly continues to text and drive. When I remind him of his promise, he does one of 2 things: gets mad at me, or just says "Sorry, I won't do it again." He does it again the very next day. Then we continue the cycle again. Last week, it was his promise to not scream in our apartment (for all to hear). I tell him he promised, he gets mad, deflects to me ("You made me scream", very unremorsefully apologizes, promises not to scream anymore, then is screaming again the next day or sometimes even an hour later. It's from small things: "I swear I'll make that phone call when I get home," to huge things: "I promise not to threaten to cheat anymore."

I explain to him that each time he does this, it makes me trust his word less and less, but he doesn't seem to understand and gets annoyed that I have a hard time believing anything he says. I'm at a complete loss at what to do.

[SkySanta]

It's a hard situation because bringing it up might trigger his shame.  Maybe try the DEARMAN skill and SET.  Something that says "I care about our relationship, and this don't think that you mean to break promises, but the truth is that i'm losing trust in you because of it."

[bananas2]

Something that says "I care about our relationship, and this don't think that you mean to break promises, but the truth is that i'm losing trust in you because of it."

Thanks, SkySanta! This is great. Going to try it.