Writing feelings down? Useful or trap?

[Tarquin42]

Wonder if any have experienced this, my BPDW said she felt by writing down her feelings it would be easier for us to communicate, and she would appreciate some responses from me in writing. Not sure now what I was thinking but it did not go as I envisioned.

She wrote out a page of how she was feeling at that time and how she felt I was failing at her ideal of what a husband should be doing (for her). The words did hurt some but I know she actually feels this way even if I can't understand why. So I responded with a few paragraphs on how I have felt and missed in our relationship over the last few years. Of course in my mind I could see her reading this and having some understanding that she hasn't been the only one suffering.

This has happened a couple of time this week and it appears that all I have done is provide ammunition for the next rage. I've always had the feeling that during our years together, every mistake and slip on my part has been placed on a huge board to be referenced when needed to attack. Now some of my written feelings have been placed up there too and just make the attacks more painful.

It is not that I am really surprised by what has happened with this experiment... it' not that I didn't see it coming! I know that wonderful girl who I married can disappear in a heartbeat... .and I should not have shared my deepest feelings and fears with the ideal I was thinking of when I wrote them down.

I've seen suggestions from therapist to use this method with troubled marriages, but it appears to me that BPD can make this problematic.   

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi Tarquin,

Sorry the results didn't end up like you had hoped. It's hard for someone with BPD to hear negative things about themselves or their relationships.

It makes sense though that she responded this way. Your pwBPD wanted to share with you what she was feeling and may have been hoping that you would address her feelings. She had the same expectation as you that you would have an "Ah Ha" moment and understand everything she has been going through. When she instead got a response sharing all your issues with the relationship, she may have felt rejected or scared that you would leave her. She may also feel like you didn't hear what she was saying.

One thing that might help is learning to validate her feelings. After she feels safe knowing that you understand her, she may be open to listening to what you have to say.

Can you share an example of how you might be able to validate some of the feelings she expressed in her letter to you?

[isilme]

I use this board to write my unvarnished feelings.  I admit I shellack the heck out of them for H at times because I recognize his inability to process MY feelings without taking them as criticism of HIM.  I could be stressed at work - this translates to he doesn't make enough money so I have to work.  Nowhere near what was in my head, but that's how his mind translates things.

Yes, your W was asking for validation.  She is probably not in a place where she can process your feelings outside her own bubble.  They will all become about her, and if you choose to share with her, this is something to be mindful of. 

I'd bet even money she was thinking/hoping your responses in writing WOULD validate what she felt, and "prove" her right.  Like, if she wrote, "I feel you don't listen to me" she was expecting you to write, "I realize I don't listen to you."  Not "I feel we don't listen to each other."  That implies shared blame, and that's hard for a pwBPD.

Best you can do is learn from it, maybe hold off on any writing yourself right now, and maybe only respond as you can to validate what you can.

[Skip]

I used this in a relationship... .only I didn't use it to share my feelings, just to hear hers. The few things I wrote were most endearing thoughts... .

It worked great.

My personal experience has been that when a women asks to share feelings, its mostly about us listening. 

I think this is more so with pwBPD traits. It's so easy to invalidate them.

So it bothers me that you spend so much time cooking for our family, but we all love you for it.

[once removed]

my immediate thoughts on this were "TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY AND RUN WITH IT".

i suggested it a billion times to my now ex that she, rather than let her impulses get the best of her, rage, whatever else, to try writing to her hearts content, and once we were both at baseline, id read it if she still wanted me to. odds are, id have responded the same way 

this has the potential to be a great outlet at times (you probably dont want to hash everything out in written word) and it is a thoughtful step from her.

i agree that primarily, you want to listen. you want to demonstrate youve heard her, too (she indicated she does want you to respond, so make that the focus of your response). when we respond with how we feel, that can get lost. work up to that, maybe. failing that, maybe just let it be a more constructive outlet for her to express herself and you to hear her.

[Tarquin42]

Well, in the past when she would leave these writings out for me, I would read them but usually not respond. Of course then I would be accused of not caring. The recent experience with sharing my feelings did not go so well... and yes I probably did not validate her feelings as much as I should have, but I'm sure many of us here have been frustrated by our SO to the point of forgetting "the right thing to do". To be clear, my response was only perhaps three or four sentences long and just related my fears.

Tonight we had a conversation on our life together and where we are heading. I'm not sure this went so well either but at least there still is some communication taking place instead of days not speaking to each other.

[Tattered Heart]

HOw did things not go so well?

[Tarquin42]

Today I recieved a e-mail from her laying out more of her reasoning for the way she acts and wanting to know my thoughts. Again I thought if my response was well presented and did not lay blame she would appreciate some of what I have experienced in our relationship. Shortly after I sent my response she sent back a e-mail saying she thought it was nice and liked we were sharing. Whew! There seemed to be a breakthrough.

A few hours later I saw her and she had flipped back to the dark side wanting to know if I didn't realize she "hurt" much more than me and how unsupportive I've been. Now I'm getting the silent treatment and found some things she has given me through the years in the garbage. There's another "boundary " that needs to be place! 

[Tattered Heart]

There's another "boundary " that needs to be place! 

What boundary do you need to look at?

As you start to think more about your boundaries, our workshop on Boundaries might help. What are your values in this scenario and which values have you given up here? What is your responsibility in her response and what is her responsibility?

[Skip]

Again I thought if my response was well presented and did not lay blame she would appreciate some of what I have experienced in our relationship.

  Time try something else. She wants to be heard. It's a start. Work with that.

[isilme]

Again I thought if my response was well presented and did not lay blame she would appreciate some of what I have experienced in our relationship

Just because she is asking for it, does not mean she really wants it at this time, or can handle it as you feel a need to represent it.  I am sure you are working to be as nonconfrontational as you can.  But she is not in a place to "hear" your side.  This is not a language barrier where you are both struggling to communicate.  You HAVE communicated.  And she does not like you telling her that her actions have hurt you.  This may come some day, but this experiment should have shown that this kind of openness, your side being told, EVEN WHEN ASKED FOR, is not something she can process.  You need to look at her emotional disability, realize and accept the limitations it creates, and see how to move past THAT.  The BPD behaviors that hurt us are a symptom of the BPD.  Treat the BPD itself (and I am not talking drugs, or even therapy, but treat the emotional triggers, the fears of abandonment, the needs for validation) and some of the behaviors that hurt so much (rage, projection), can be lessened in duration, incidence, and intensity.

She is doing something good - she is trying to find a way to work things out better.  Good.  Writing out your feelings is a tactic suggested 100 times a year in Cosmopolitan and any magazine you can find, relationship blogs, you name it.  So it's normal to give it a go. 

She's like someone in physical therapy for her legs.  She says she'd really like to go for a run.  You take her at her word, maybe not even realizing just how unsuited her legs currently are for running.  You go run, and she accuses you of being insensitive to her needs (that she never stated, she assumed you knew about). 

To defuse drama, she needs to feel heard.  She is not in a place to hear you, yet.  We can "hear" you, we can listen in her stead, to help you not bottle things up, until things can be improved to a point where she's developed those emotional skills that are needed to allow her to process how her actions hurt just as much as she perceives yours hurting her.  She's just not there, yet.  Remember, it's an emotional disability.  Logic, quid pro quo, calm rational discussions about shared responsibility fall on deaf ears to the emotionally driven dysregulation. 

[bananas2]

Hi Tarquin42   -

I agree with other members here that this is a start and an opportunity for healthy communication. I certainly understand your concerns about having your written feelings used later as ammunition against you.

I've seen suggestions from therapist to use this method with troubled marriages, but it appears to me that BPD can make this problematic.

My marriage counselor recently suggested that my BPDh & I start using this method of writing out our feelings. When I expressed that bc of his BPD this might trigger a shame response for him, the counselor suggested we both keep it "need-based" and "outcome-based."
Example: Instead of "I'm so mad that you ignored me last night," try writing "I need some attention from you. This will help us feel closer to each other."

So it's basically a matter of determining the need, requesting it be met, & expressing how the need being met will result in a positive outcome for both of you.

If you decide to try it, please update us on how it is working for you. Best of luck! 

[Tarquin42]

We didn't do any writing today but she did visit some friends and go to lunch, so there wasn't much contact until tonight. As today was cooler I suggested we make a fire in the fire pit and break our routine of watching tv in separate rooms in the house. Had a very good time catching up on what our friends are up to and she thought dinner out this weekend with some of them would be great.

I'm being hopeful but realistic from here, taking these good days as a blessing and hope some of the great insight and methods picked up here limit the times when something triggers a rage.

[Chosen]

While it's good that your BPDw was the one who initiated writing down feelings.  Even if it's something we as nons cannot understand (I'm not saying divide the world into BPDs and nons but you know what I mean).  My uBPDh has not initiated it before, but I have written about my feelings to him.  Did not end well.  He would read meanings in my words (I guess not on purpose but his BPD does it, therefore completely twisting me meaning) and use it against me for years afterwards.  Yikes. 

I guess we need to remember that BPDs have problem expressing their feelings, and they mirror it on us a lot of times.  Unfortunately, for me, being a "stereotypical woman", has strong emotions and that would be mirrored by the uBPDh who will react strongly.  Therefore, I think that if BOTH of you are able to first think about your feelings and then put it down on paper, it may help her to better understand her own feelings.  But you will also have to be at a emotionally strong place for it to be effective.