My wife is now draining our joint bank account

[polaris9]

This morning my uBPDw has gone to the bank and transferred pretty much the whole balance of our joint bank account to a separate account in her name.  She now wants me to change our Line or Credit so that she can also withdraw money from that as well.

IMHO these are very hostile acts and I cannot tolerate them.  We have substantial financial assets and I cannot risk having her take all, or a big chunk, of them. But if I react too strongly she will go ape-sh^t.  I have spoken to a lawyer about this and found out what to do but her reaction will likely be extreme.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

I plan to say - you have taken some cash so you can feel secure about what you have - I understand that.  But I cannot allow you to take all of our money and lock it away.  Therefore I will continue to pay all of our family expenses out of my account but I cannot let you take any more of our family's money.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

I plan to say - you have taken some cash so you can feel secure about what you have - I understand that.  But I cannot allow you to take all of our money and lock it away.  Therefore I will continue to pay all of our family expenses out of my account but I cannot let you take any more of our family's money.

Wow! That's tough... .and scary. Talking to a lawyer sounds like the best thing to do. Can you open a new account for the family expesnses so that she cannot access that $ too?

I would make some minor tweaks to the wording. By you saying "I can't let you... ." I think she may see this as you trying to control her and this could cause her to escalate, making the whole situation a power struggle.

Can you focus your wording more towards validation + how the account being empty will harm the family + solution (you'll continue to pay family expenses) + asking for her cooperation by not taking out more money. Don't forget to use DEARMAN . Will you try to reword it here and we can help you flesh it out more?

[Mutt]

Hi polaris,



I agree with   Tattered Heart, it's possible that she's to over control because she feels out of control, how about splitting it up 50/50 that way it's fair all around?

[polaris9]

Hi polaris,



I agree with   Tattered Heart, it's possible that she's to over control because she feels out of control, how about splitting it up 50/50 that way it's fair all around?

The problem with that is that we have fairly substantial financial assets and the hope is that we can leave several mil to our autistic 15d who will not be able to support herself.  But if she pisses away hundreds of thousands or more then it will have significant negative ramifications on the entire family.  

She texted me this morning that she has purchased a luxury condominium and that our lawyer is working on it.  I called our lawyer and he said that he hasn't heard from her.  I am not sure if she is telling the truth or whether she is trying to "rattle my chain".

[bananas2]

Hi polaris9, 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a difficult time for you & your family. I was in a similar situation a few years ago with my BPDh. Hub was in a bad state & we had been fighting. I was driving past our bank when I just happened to notice him getting out of his car in the bank parking lot. I pulled in and asked him directly what he was doing there. He replied, "Taking MY money." He proceeded to take exactly half of our accounts. No forewarning, nothing. Bc he decided to remain in our home, it gave me opportunity to discuss the situation with him. We ended up having separate accounts for several months until we were able to work things out and rejoin our finances.

I agree with Tattered Heart about rewording. With pwBPD, approach is everything. A different way to discuss this may be to put it in the form of a question to her: "In regard to finances, what do you feel is in the best interest of our family?" After some active listening on your part, you can then attempt to explain what you believe to be in the family's best interest.

Before I elaborate or give further suggestions, I have a few questions:
- What precipitated her withdrawal of the account? Do you know?
- Did she give you notice or a reason for this behavior?
- You mention a lawyer, but I notice that you say "our" lawyer. Is this a lawyer you've jointly had on retainer for some time, or is this a recently obtained attorney? A finance attorney? A divorce attorney?

I look forward to your response. Hang in there. We'll all do our best to help & support you.