First time tyring to use S.E.T and it blew up in my face

[CycleBreaker123]

My borderline friend has been occurring to me as not in good shape, and getting worse.   She has been behaving in ways reminding me of her suicide attempt a few years ago.   She graduated from a strong university after eight years of going uphill to emerge with a computer engineering degree - a field where a host of industries are literally swallowing up graduates like whales swallow plankton.    So she's been looking for her first career job.    Obviously such is a very stressful, very challenging time, especially for somebody with very low esteem who abhors change, and can't stand even a hint of rejection.    Her job search has been a disaster so far, refusing help from anybody, unwilling to discuss other things she could do other than send her underwhelming resume online to company HR depts without a cover letter.    It's like she is begging to fail at finding a job.     Meanwhile, she's flat broke, couch surfing, thin as a rail, often stays up until 6am, increasingly disassociated, and constantly picking fights over email and text, typically by willful misinterpretation of an offhand comment.   She also seems to be quite skilled at"baiting" me into an interaction, then turning on me.   For example, she recently contacted me asking me for specific job search help (I'm in the same field, eight years older) - this was a first and I was happy to help since she had refused all previous offers on my part.   She was eager to get together that very evening (I could not) and so we set something up a few days later.   She proceeded to totally blow off our meeting after I traveled an hour to meet up with her - a few hours later contacting me that she had just woken up.   She continued to make it basically impossible to pin her down, constantly unresponsive to simple logistic messages trying to pin down another time.   I was getting so frustrated as my patience was really being put to the test - like she was literally BEGGING me, DARING me to say even one word of frustration or criticism, so that she could blow up at me and make her situation all my fault - been there - done that - I wasn't going down that road.    So I read on here about the S.E.T method of communication with a Borderline in times of stress - and thought I'd give it a try.     It ended up making the situation much worse, and I'm curious what I did wrong, if anything.

I began messaging Supportive statements letting her know that I'm here to help her however I can, that I'm not going anywhere, and that I'm confident she will find something.   Next I framed her situation as very similar to my own when I left college, that entry level job searches are quite challenging, how nothing in my prior education really prepared me for how to find my first career position, how tough rejection was for me.   I was as Empathetic as I knew how to be.    Finally I layered in a bit of Truth, as gentle as I could - that I think she could make it easier for me to actually help her, than make it more difficult.   

Well my first attempt at SET blew up - when we finally did get together - she was all about how she hates it when people tell her how she is feeling = that she is trying to remain as positive as she can possibly be - and what a downer it is for me to tell her how miserable she feels.  (Somehow my saying her situation was "challenging" translated into my telling her that she is miserable).    About how negative I am - about how unflexible I am  - then she went on to bitterly complain that she hated her college, how she cannot stand the people who live in the town she lives in, how the entire state of California is horrid, how annoying her boyfriend is, how her best friend is becoming a yuppie she-demon, and how her mother is a monster.    Did I mention the part where she opened with how very negative I am?     Pure projection - her negativity towards the world somehow becomes my negativity towards her.     At least I think that's what happened.    But where did I go wrong with the SET method?  She took what occurred to me as empathetic statements ("its a challenging thing you are doing" and turned them into my telling her how miserable she feels and how dare I assume it's a hard time for her?   

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[once removed]

i dont think SET is a solution here. i would frame this as a matter of "stop trying so hard". its frustrating you, and youre just doubling down.

it doesnt sound like she sincerely wants help in finding a job, and its not your job to push her. if you want to support your friend, just listen to her complain. listen with empathy: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

[Mutt]

Hi cyclebreaker,



You can use different tools in different situations, sometimes the tools fail, all you can do is try.  

eanwhile, she's flat broke, couch surfing, thin as a rail, often stays up until 6am, increasingly disassociated, and constantly picking fights over email and text,

She's not taking care of herself, it's possible that she wants to be rescued from her situation, don't rescue, a pwBPD have dependency issues on others for things that they really should be doing for themselves. There are many caretaker types on the board that are just trying to help, she needs to learn on her own.

I agree with   once removed she could be depressed because she's not taking care of herself and maybe she's not ready, I'm not saying that you're doing this, it may help you or others, don't judge her, just listen and validate her feelings.


Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

[Tattered Heart]

I began messaging Supportive statements letting her know that I'm here to help her however I can, that I'm not going anywhere, and that I'm confident she will find something.   Next I framed her situation as very similar to my own when I left college, that entry level job searches are quite challenging, how nothing in my prior education really prepared me for how to find my first career position, how tough rejection was for me.   I was as Empathetic as I knew how to be.    Finally I layered in a bit of Truth, as gentle as I could - that I think she could make it easier for me to actually help her, than make it more difficult.   

I hate it when I try to use a tool and it blows up in my face. I highlighted the parts of this conversation that could be triggering for a pwBPD. Just to point out how I think it went downhill is that, the conversation became about you and not what she is feeling, you told her how she feels, and tried to "fix" her.

Better:

"I'm sorry that you've been having such a hard time finding a job. I would be frustrated. How do you feel about that? (Listen to the response. Validate the feeling. "I can understand that"

Ask: What do you think is going on? (Validate her thoughts. "That might be the case." or "You might be right."

Ask: How can I help you? (Don't tell her what you are going to do. Let her be specific with what she wants)

Ask: I would love to help you in this way. For me to help you though, in the future I need you to be here on time. Can you commit to that for me?

This workshop might help you: Don't Be Invalidating