Daughter at 29 just diagnosed BPD.

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter is having a very diffeicult time having just been diagnosed and on new medication. No therapy available as yet. Father died at 8 years old. He was an alcoholic. Suddenly hating me and putting him on a pedestal and it being the other way round.

After reading a lot, realised I must not take the hate and anger aimed at me personally and allow it to come out. When I try to make contact, the abuse escalated so stepping back although very worried about her. She has 2 children which are hard work due to having autism. She has a lovely partner who is supportive but very emotionally immature which must be difficult for him.

She hates me and is blaming me for her ‘emotional brain damage’.

Do I sit back and wait until things calm down? Thanks

[Stoman]

My daughter is having a very diffeicult time having just been diagnosed and on new medication. No therapy available as yet. Father died at 8 years old. He was an alcoholic. Suddenly hating me and putting him on a pedestal and it being the other way round.

After reading a lot, realised I must not take the hate and anger aimed at me personally and allow it to come out. When I try to make contact, the abuse escalated so stepping back although very worried about her. She has 2 children which are hard work due to having autism. She has a lovely partner who is supportive but very emotionally immature which must be difficult for him.

She hates me and is blaming me for her ‘emotional brain damage’.

Do I sit back and wait until things calm down? Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Stoman

Welcome to bpdfamily   

I'm sorry you and your daughter are having a such difficult time, it's so important to understand not to take the hate, anger, blame personally, easier said than done I know, we can support you through.

How long since her diagnosis, when were you last in contact?

WDx

[Huat]

Hello Stoman:

You wrote about your daughter "just been diagnosed and on new medication."  Has she been diagnosed with BPD?

Having to deal with just one child with autism is difficult but to have two is unthinkable!  I am so sorry this has happened in your daughter's family.  It is good to read that "she has a lovely partner who is supportive."  Still... .so, so difficult!  I certainly hope they have found a support system in their community.

Now, with all that said, sounds like you are being used as an outlet for your daughter's frustrations.  It is easier said than done to see past her anger, though, isn't it?   It will definitely be to your advantage (and hers) if you keep working on the skills of communicating with her and defusing situations.

As you do this, you have to keep YOU in mind.  To the right  under "Tools" you will see "Communicate Boundaries and Limits."  You can see ways of protecting yourself.

I so wish you well, Stoman.  I, too, have felt my daughter's wrath and so many times my skin has not been thick enough to weather the blows.  It does give me comfort in knowing I am not alone... .nor are you.  Glad to have you with us!

[livednlearned]

After reading a lot, realised I must not take the hate and anger aimed at me personally and allow it to come out.

You are a fast learner! This took me a while. I also had to realize that some emotional dysregulations are so intense that they really do have a hard time remembering. I would get a fire hose of intense rage, and then a completely peaceful morning the next day, which was almost more baffling than the rage. I have read accounts that help me understand how a BPD brain can be so flooded in emotion that it distorts short-term memory.

When I try to make contact, the abuse escalated so stepping back

You have good instincts 

When she rages at you, how long before she seeks you out?

Like wendydarling said, what are the behaviors you feel are most pressing?

Glad you found the site. There are so many skills here that can make a difference, and lots of parents who know what you're going through.

You're not alone.

LnL