some thoughts about the break up as ultimatum

[brazbeliever]

Hi again,

I was reading some topics here... .and thinking about the situation... .

So I have this 6 month trip and she said she would break up if I really go.

When she said that, she was really calm, in a way that I never saw before. And she said that:

She won't be put to this suffering alone when I'm gone. That she was expecting to have already married by now, and I don't seem to follow that plan. That, if course, I was choosing to go, and so I wasn't going to be near her at the worst moment of her life and thus I couldn't be in her life when she gets better. That she had made up her mind and wanted to break up.

I told her that I understood what she was saying, and that she had the right to make her own decisions, and so on.

And then, she said, and this is in my mind since Sunday (October 29th, when we had this conversation): "That's great that you didn't cry, so I don't feel pity and inclined to get together."

I maintained my position over the next days. I said that I wouldn't pressure anything, so I didn't. Monday and Tuesday we had no contact. But on Wednesday she asked me to come over, cause she wasn't feeling ok. I got there and she was fine. I stayed till Sunday again.

And thinking on what she said, the despair hit me. So I talked to her, before I posted here, and, of course, let the emotions flow... .I proposed to work on our relationship, that if some part of her still wanted to stay with me that I saw some good endings, and that she would go back to therapy and me as well. And that the time apart could do some good to the relation, and I promised to think of a way give what she was asking, moving to another city that is my wish as well.

She had a tiny angry moment, but she took some time out the conversation and then returned saying that ok, she would compromise with that and wouldn't break up.

Today, thinking about the whole thing, I am feeling bad cause I feel I did put pressure on her. And I am feeling right now that maybe she gave up ending things because of what I said.

Am I giving to much power on me once more? Like, I'm the manipulator now that interfered in her wish to end things? Should I discuss this with her again? In a more neutral way, not flooded with my abandonment issues?

braz

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi braz,

I always take the approach that even if I say words to someone, they still get to choose of their own volition as to how to respond to them. She said that the breakup wouldn't happen, so for the moment, I would believe her.

I don't know the full back story of where you are going or why, but when she threatened to leave you if you went on the trip, she may have been feeling very rejected by you. Someone with BPD has so many fears of their SO being away from them: will they find someone new? will they cheat? will they forget about them? Why am I not good enough for them to stay here?

So they do and say things to get people to not reject them. Once you had a conversation with her to relieve her fears about being rejected, she felt better and felt like it was now safe to continue on with the relationship. In the build up to your trip, you may begin to see her acting out in various ways as she continues to struggle with those fears. For someone with BPD feelings=facts and although yesterday she was ok with you going on the trip, she might begin to feel scared again.

When she does express concerns about you going whether through anger, ST, break up threats, etc. remember that validation will go along way. When she says "I'm going to break up with you if you go" validating might look like you saying "You're important to me. I would hate to lose you. I know it's scary that I'm going on this trip for so long. I want you to know that I will miss you and think of you all the time. I want to make sure we are connecting and able to talk as often as possible so that you know how much you mean to me."

[pearlsw]

Hi brazbeliever,

My current partner and I have a lot of issues with breakup threats. He will threaten a break up under any circumstance. Nothing is sacred on this. He has made break up threats when we are in other countries together, when we are separate countries, you name it. Personally, I find it a bit hard, even after years of this to know what to do with it. Just when I think I pushed back hard enough to get this nuclear option off the top, it pops up again. I hope you have better luck with this.

I am concerned with you having this issue related to travel, and hope it does not come to limit your life. There is a lot people can do to stay connected and in contact while people travel nowadays (provide validation) as you know. If she has this breakup threat tool as a way of operating I want to remind you have no way to stop it if she chooses to keep using it I am afraid. Nevertheless, you can choose to do many things to provide reassurance, help support her sense of security, and go from there. I just recently reread the entire first thread 1.10 validation thread from the workshops: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating Perhaps you will find the 3 workshops on validation useful as well!

Take care - hope things work out for you on this!

[brazbeliever]

Thank you guys!

That’s really great to hear reassuring words.

I will read the validation thread.

Thanks a lot!