Had a short intense relationship with a BPD woman

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi Guys,
I met a girl on Tinder. We clicked immediately. However, she already had a "rage" outburst (crying and running away) on our second date to a "slightly" rude comment that I made. I deeply apologised. But then every time we saw each other she got like mad 5 times per hour. Me always apologising of course. My friends told me that I maybe should start being nicer to women, so I took their advice and tried to be a caring person. It started to become exhausting after 4 weeks. The sex was amazing thought, and she looked at me with sparkling eyes, telling me "it is impossible to make me happy, but you somehow can make it happen". I was very honoured and started to think this is going somewhere although her "strange" behaviour at sometimes. I leave the city for a while. But suddenly I was crazy attached and I swear to god I didnt wanted to be! A fear was triggered that she is hooking up with many other guys... .(we met on Tinder). The stories of her forgetting her phone and being out with friends just sounded odd, but i told myself, let her do. But my gut feeling was killing me.
So she came to visit me after 10 days apart. I picked her up with a rose at the airport (too much?). And well, here the nightmare started. The first night, we had the most amazing sex, i never felt so close to anyone. She then asked me how the sex was, and I answer, amazing how close we were. She responded: " This is a problem, lets take it easy.". Ok that was fine with me... .Then accident during sex. She feard to death that she was becoming pregnant, started to shout at me, looked her in the bathroom and tried to book a flight home for the next morning... .I was devastated in bed, the flip from pure happiness to extreme anger was too intense... .Eventually she calmed down and stayed for 3 days. Every day was more stress, critic her and there, once i was too rude, then i was too nice, suddenly I was weird, suddenly she wanted to introduce me to her family... .I was like what the heck is going on. On top of this, we had to constantly talk about her ex boyfriend... .
She then told me that she doesn't want a relationship right now because she is too afraid to get hurt. I said that is fine, let s keep continue knowing each other, buthellI could smell the lies... .
She left. We met again almost 2 weeks later back in London. During the time apart we were calling each other every day... one day she was super in love with me, the next day she hated me... .My days were aweful as i was so stressed because i didnt know what is going on with her. She finally said that she suffers from PTSD and is a victim of narcissistic abuse. Of course, I tried to support her. We meet in London and I have a week later my final PhD examination! I rent a nice room. She visited me on Monday... .then pushed me away until Friday. I was getting nervous, I had an exam coming up and she behave soo weird. We met friday, spent the night together, I was soo stressed that I told her that i dont understand what is happening and that I want her... .In the morning, she packs her things and leaves, telling me that she is doing me a favour and that we can never see us again. two days later i had the biggest exam of my life followed by a huge part. Guess what, I was crying on my succesful PhD party at midnight in my hotel room.
After that everything went mad... .i tried to get answer, called, texted and so on. Every answer I got from her was just painful. New guy her and there, drugs, that I was too attached to quick, that I acted like a teenager etc etc... .pure devaluation.
It s two month since I last saw her, and I had to see a therapist the last two weeks to make sense of the story... he assured me that I met a BPD person and I should not take comments personally.
Was I too needy ? Why did I fell in extreme limerence after just 3 weeks ?
Did someone have similar experiences?
At that time in my life I was a bit lonely and overloaded with work. So I was really happy to have someone around me and yes, I wanted more after 4 weeks... .

[Cityman]

Hi Guys,
I met a girl on Tinder. We clicked immediately. However, she already had a "rage" outburst (crying and running away) on our second date to a "slightly" rude comment that I made. I deeply apologised. But then every time we saw each other she got like mad 5 times per hour. Me always apologising of course. My friends told me that I maybe should start being nicer to women, so I took their advice and tried to be a caring person. It started to become exhausting after 4 weeks. The sex was amazing thought, and she looked at me with sparkling eyes, telling me "it is impossible to make me happy, but you somehow can make it happen". I was very honoured and started to think this is going somewhere although her "strange" behaviour at sometimes. I leave the city for a while. But suddenly I was crazy attached and I swear to god I didnt wanted to be! A fear was triggered that she is hooking up with many other guys... .(we met on Tinder). The stories of her forgetting her phone and being out with friends just sounded odd, but i told myself, let her do. But my gut feeling was killing me.
So she came to visit me after 10 days apart. I picked her up with a rose at the airport (too much?). And well, here the nightmare started. The first night, we had the most amazing sex, i never felt so close to anyone. She then asked me how the sex was, and I answer, amazing how close we were. She responded: " This is a problem, lets take it easy.". Ok that was fine with me... .Then accident during sex. She feard to death that she was becoming pregnant, started to shout at me, looked her in the bathroom and tried to book a flight home for the next morning... .I was devastated in bed, the flip from pure happiness to extreme anger was too intense... .Eventually she calmed down and stayed for 3 days. Every day was more stress, critic her and there, once i was too rude, then i was too nice, suddenly I was weird, suddenly she wanted to introduce me to her family... .I was like what the heck is going on. On top of this, we had to constantly talk about her ex boyfriend... .
She then told me that she doesn't want a relationship right now because she is too afraid to get hurt. I said that is fine, let s keep continue knowing each other, buthellI could smell the lies... .
She left. We met again almost 2 weeks later back in London. During the time apart we were calling each other every day... one day she was super in love with me, the next day she hated me... .My days were aweful as i was so stressed because i didnt know what is going on with her. She finally said that she suffers from PTSD and is a victim of narcissistic abuse. Of course, I tried to support her. We meet in London and I have a week later my final PhD examination! I rent a nice room. She visited me on Monday... .then pushed me away until Friday. I was getting nervous, I had an exam coming up and she behave soo weird. We met friday, spent the night together, I was soo stressed that I told her that i dont understand what is happening and that I want her... .In the morning, she packs her things and leaves, telling me that she is doing me a favour and that we can never see us again. two days later i had the biggest exam of my life followed by a huge part. Guess what, I was crying on my succesful PhD party at midnight in my hotel room.
After that everything went mad... .i tried to get answer, called, texted and so on. Every answer I got from her was just painful. New guy her and there, drugs, that I was too attached to quick, that I acted like a teenager etc etc... .pure devaluation.
It s two month since I last saw her, and I had to see a therapist the last two weeks to make sense of the story... he assured me that I met a BPD person and I should not take comments personally.
Was I too needy ? Why did I fell in extreme limerence after just 3 weeks ?
Did someone have similar experiences?
At that time in my life I was a bit lonely and overloaded with work. So I was really happy to have someone around me and yes, I wanted more after 4 weeks... .

[vanx]

DrDan, I can relate to your experience. I think it is helpful for you to ask yourself about falling into limerance very quickly, because this can be useful in helping you avoid similar situations in the future, but I don't think you need to beat yourself up about being too needy etc. I think what happens to a lot of us in these situations is were are mesmerized by the connection we feel, the way the other person looks at us, this seemingly magical connection, and then we are very confused by how they could conversely put us down and push us away. I know in my case, that's what triggered feelings of need, being cast out from what felt like a close connection, and having it be all my fault for a number of reasons (I have to laugh because I received a similar but opposite complaint--you were accused of acting like a teenager and I was told my affection was too paternal ).
I think you could consider the main issue here as concerning yourself too much with what she says or thinks. Now is a good time to spend time with people who value you and start to get in touch with the great things about yourself. I know with my expwBPD, I got very hooked by her apparent love and admiration of me, and I wanted very badly for her to see me that way again, but she did not and would not.
Anyhow, I do think that there is a lot to be learned from an experience like this. It's not about her blaming of you at all. It's about your balanced view of what happened and yes, worth considering on your end what you're responsible for and how you can move on from this towards better relationships for yourself. Yes, it is definitely a good move to be nice to women as your friend said, but you also need to be nice to yourself and protect yourself from toxic situations. I think it is worth gently exploring why you got so attached, but the first step is to be kind to yourself and like your therapist said, don't take her blaming personally. If she has BPD, she may have been evading taking responsibility and shifting all the blame to you. Do not accept that kind of toxic behavior.
I too got swept up very quickly. I haven't dated since, but when I do, I know one thing I'll definitely do differently is pace myself better. Good for you for seeing a therapist for help and for posting here. Give it some more time and you will move past it all.