Don't know how to validating - Need help

[Ninab]

Last week I posted my first message about 16 months of rocky experience of rocky relationship with BPD. Initially I want to be out of it since the crazy things he did affected my work.  After a week of being alone and carefully considerations. I'd like to give it another try because whenever he rages,  I always fight with his head on, never tried techniques mentioned in the board. Thanks for some board members advice. I've read some tips how to validating.

So this morning I decided to email him: asked him not to upset anymore , I am hurting too. Life has been difficult without him, can we stop fighting

He replied immediately: we aren't fighting ,I am not fighting with you. I have no interest in us as friends, business or anything . But there is no fight , no ill will. Nothing negative.

It's calm reply. I think he just trying to pretend he is ok without me. But he fact is his firm still continued working with us . Last group business conversation was yesterday .

Now I am trying to use validating technique I learned from the site. I replied his email :  I understand I have hurt you and I apologize for that . I just hope u give me a chance, not friends, not business , just whatever to keep me part of your life.  I'll work on myself to be more understanding . Not too demanding . We have been each other's great advisor in the past and a great team.


Also I told him I might go to Dubai for a while for some business related trip.


I thought my email is nice and well done.  Within 2 min, I recieved his reply full of rage and attack.  I don't know how and what triggered him again. Ugh... .

Here it goes:

You never hurt me ? Why r u saying that u hurt me ? I don't remember you hurting me! It's just another example of your inability to communicate in any semblance of a human. How did you hurt me? I don't even understand why you keep saying that . Stop emailing me and texting me BECAUSE you r f*ing annoying. You don't ever stop. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. That is why we can't be friends . It's sad.


In the past, if he talks to me or emails me like that. I garenteed another full blown fight back and forth because I would not allow him talking to me like this. After I joined this site. Now I step back and think :  what's going on? What did I say or write triggered him ?  He is full of rage again. I am sure he is going curse out if someone is with him right now.

I don't know if I should just leave him alone or reply something to calm him down.
Sorry I am new to learn how to deal with BPD. I thought I validating and acknowledged I've hurt his feeling last week. But I didn't expect rubbing the wrong way. Please help and advise me the right way to communicate.

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[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ninab! 

It's really good to hear that you have been helped here at this site. There is a lot to learn, and it sounds like you have been working at understanding and growing. That's great! 

I can certainly understand the confusion you have right now with the response that he gave you. It was hurtful to you, and if I am understanding you correctly, it has left you with a lot of confusion and uncertainty. There is a link from the list on the right hand side of the board that I will post for you which may provide some help. He sounds very confused too. Do you think he is projecting his anger towards you?  Trying to make sense of a pwBPD is very hard, and you are not alone in that struggle.

Stopping Circular Arguments

What can you do to help yourself heal from the hurt of his words?

 
Wools

[isilme]

just leave him alone

That's pretty much it.  It's not your job (nor can you) to manage his emotions.  If he is upset, and your attempts to apologize have not been working - stop.  He has to do this for himself.

Validation is not about taking responsibility for making him feel better.  It's for letting him know you heard his feelings and acknowledge them.  You don't have to agree with them, accept them, or feel responsible for them.  You just let him feel heard.  Done.  Those are not YOUR feelings. 

Also, the WORST thing in my experience after a rage event - and this counts is to mention the rage event or try to "talk it out" or anything.  What you are doing at that point is seeking your own validation - but a pwBPD often cannot grant that - not easily, and not after a long time of you employing the tools to get to a better place for communication. 

After things have calmed down, and even once we've hit the Silent Treatment where I actually HOPE to be ignored rather than have him fuming and stomping and yelling, I simply act as if nothing happened.  This halts the cycle. 

I wait to see how receptive he is to simple, non emotionally charged comments - Good morning.  How has work been?  Here's a funny cat picture via messenger.  I test the waters in a very non-emotional way with bland statements about weather, things we need to do for the day, and let him get back to a more neutral setting.  I don't try to apologize.  I don't rehash it, bring it up, or try to communicate my hurt.  Not then.  Maybe never, depending on the event.  A lot of my radical acceptance of the BPD in our lives is the simple fact his emotions will get out of alignment, and he will vomit up horrible thoughts and feelings in the form of yelling and insults because he lacks the ability to process them otherwise.  I try really hard to simply ignore most of what is yelled, as it is emotional nonsense much of the time, a feedback loop of his emotions feeding his emotions, that needs to be expelled like food poisoning before he can reset to "normal".  If I assign a lot of it to "the BPD is talking right now", it makes it easier for me to move past it, to not need to talk about it.

I hope this makes sense and helps. 

[Tattered Heart]

So this morning I decided to email him: asked him not to upset anymore , I am hurting too. Life has been difficult without him, can we stop fighting

One thing I have learned is that although I have strong feelings of hurt, in order for me to get through my H shell I have to put my emotions aside temporarily and deal with his first. So that means that saying "I am hurting too" comes at a later time. When he is still in his emotions telling him that I'm hurting does nothing for him. Simply stating something like "I miss you. LIfe has been hard with out you" might be more powerful than pleading with him to not be angry.

He replied immediately: we aren't fighting ,I am not fighting with you. I have no interest in us as friends, business or anything . But there is no fight , no ill will. Nothing negative.

It sounds like he is asking for space. He may just be acting like he is ok without you, but until you hear otherwise, he is asking for time. To continue chasing after him may cause him to withdraw from you more.

I understand I have hurt you and I apologize for that . I just hope u give me a chance, not friends, not business , just whatever to keep me part of your life.  I'll work on myself to be more understanding . Not too demanding . We have been each other's great advisor in the past and a great team.

Your response seems less validating and more JADEing and his response is typical of how a pwBPD responds to JADEing. We have a workshop on Don't JADE that can help you there.

isilme is correct in her explanation of validation being about letting him know that you hear, understand, and are listening to him. Unfortunately, he is not giving you much information to go on about why he is not talking with you or even what he is feeling. The overall sense I'm getting is that he needs space.

Since you do have to work with him though, you do have to keep a professional relationship.  I would suggest that when you know you will have to interact with him at work that you begin to prepare yourself by remaining calm, relaxed, and confident. Confidence is attractive and this will also help you maintain your own equilibrium during meetings.