I need answers or I'll go crazy...

[clytie]

I have been terrible for 5 days. I try to observe my feelings and rationalize them. First, I concentrate on how I feel, then I try to discover where they come from. I guess mostly from my childhood wounds. probably they prevent me from letting go.

After our break up, first I found out his 3-year romantic and sexual affair, which I couldn't believe. I discovered that he created a new self with her. He even used his middle name (he doesn't use it with his family or friends), he read books, which he generally hates, he changed all his clothes etc. He said she knew him better and she understood and loved him better. He said I was stupid and shallow and I made him empty. Then, I found his diaries. After the shock of everything I read them just in the hope of discovering myself in him and in his life. I wasn't there. There were many other women he thought he was in love with, but I wasn't there. Not before marriage, not during engagement, not after marriage. I asked this to him. He said "you were already in my life, there was no need to write about you." I found the love poem he wrote to a woman before he asked me to marry him. I still can't believe this. But during those days he was so "in love" with me too. He was so crazy about marrying me. I really don't get this. During 21 years there has been so many romantic and only sexual affairs.

I asked "why didn't you leave me?". He said "I loved you." He talked about leaving from time to time, but even when I called the lawyer before the divorce, he told me "I dont wanna leave you." A day later, he said "I never want to see you again. I love (the other woman.)"

He still sees her. Does this woman manage to connect with him more than I ? Really? This time does he really forget about me?

Oh, what is this? I am going crazy as this all makes no sense. What or who was I for 21 years. Why did he stay with me? I need answers or I definitely go crazy... .

[hope2727]

You're you. You were stable and predictable and safe. HE is not. You were an anchor that he could return to much like a child ventures away from their parent then runs back to safety. You are stable and safe. You were loved by him as best he was able to love. I am sure he doesn't want to leave you. In his mind he still loves you he just wants all the rest of his double life too. This is how a psychologist explained it to me.

Now a dire warning that may or may not apply to you but I hope you will think about carefully as you move forward. A psychologist told me that a secret double life is sign of being on the APSD spectrum and very dangerous once its uncovered. She warned me as I had uncovered my first husband's secret life and lies. (This was long before I met my pwBPD.) This psychologist warned me very seriously that once uncovered these people can become extremely dangerous and that is how family annihilators are often triggered to kill. None of this may apply to you and your husband but PLEASE, Please be careful. Get a therapist for yourself immediately and make sure they have experience with situations like this. Reading his diaries was smart to educate yourself but may have been dangerous to push him further in demonstrating you know everything. I highly suggest to have a safety plan in place and start both therapy and legal protection. My ex-husband made serious threats to my life by the end of our divorce. He was a sweet gentle soul in so many ways but once cornered in his lies he was humiliated and unpredictable. I am afraid for you. 

Ok I am deeply sorry that you are experiencing all these horrors. No one deserves this. I can tell  you that they never change. He will go on and on in these well established patterns. The best you can do now is to salvage what you can from the ashes and heal your self. You are a strong, creative, kind person and will have a lovely, happy life in time. That time in between will be hard but you will get there and we will get there with you. Write again. Let us know you are safe. Keep reading and writing. You are not alone.     

[babyducks]

Hi clytie

The relationship you describe sounds incredibly difficult.   I am sorry you went through all that.   It has to be very painful and confusing.  

When I was first here someone pointed me to a book by Margalis Fjelstad.   It was a great help to me.   Took things out of the technical language and made things very clear to me.

This is literally a cut and paste from the book, so let's give credit where credit is due.   Fjelstad did great work here.

Margalis Fjelstad's book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, p. 9 - 11  

Traits of BP/NP

Emotional Instability
- Emotional neediness, which may be covered up by a façade of independence
- Sudden emotional outbursts of rage and despair that seem random
- Belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever
- Inaccurate memory of emotional events, even changing the meaning of the events after the fact
- Seeing their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions
- Believing that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change
- Ongoing intense anxiety or fear

Thought Instability
- All-or-nothing thinking (ex. loving  you so intensely and then just as quickly reversing to hating you or thinking that they are a total failure, or conversely immensely superior)
- Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary
- Their interpretation of events is the only truth
- Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic
- Do not see the impact of their own behavior on others
- Deny the perceptions of others
- Accuse others of saying or doing things they didn't say or do
- Deny (even forget) negative or positive events from the past that conflict with current feelings

Behavioral Instability
- Impulsive behavior (ex. sexual acting out, reckless behavior, gambling, going into dangerous situations with little awareness
- Physically, sexually or emotionally abusive to others
- May cut, burn or mutilate themselves
- Often have addictions or other compulsive behaviors
- Create crises and chaos continuously
- Can go to suicidal thoughts when disappointed or disagreed with

Instability of a Sense of Self
- Intense fear or paranoia about being rejected, even to the extent that they need to be approved of by people they don't like
- Often change their persons, opinions or beliefs, depending on who they are with
- Lack of a consistent sense of self of who they are, or may have an overly rigid sense of self
- Often present a façade. May be fearful of being seen for "who I really am." Automatically assuming that they will be rejected or criticized.
- Out of sight, out of mind... difficulty realizing that they or others exist when not together
- Simultaneously see themselves as both inferior and superior to others

Relationship Instability
- Instantly fall in love or instantly end a relationship with no logical explanation
- Hostile, devaluing attacks on loved ones, while being charming and pleasant to strangers
- Over idealization of others (difficulty allowing others to be less than perfect, be vulnerable or make mistakes)
- Have trouble being alone even for short periods of time, yet push others away by picking fights
- Blaming, accusing and attacking loved ones for small, even trivial mistakes or incidents
- May try to avoid anticipated rejection by rejecting the other person first
- Difficulty feeling loved if the other person is not around
- Unwilling to recognize and respect the limits of others
- Demand rights, commitments and behaviors from others that they are not willing or able to reciprocate

My Ex is all over that list.   It sounds like yours is too.    People who have the traits of Cluster B disorders, view and process life differently than you and I.    It has very little to do with what and who we are... . what we did or didn't do.    Their approach to life is much different.   If I look back at my Ex I can see the frantic attempts to manufacture happiness all the time, 100% of the time, and to keep a lot going on so she didn't have to exist in peace and quiet.

Does this help at all?

'ducks

[clytie]

Dear hope2727 and babyducks,
Thank you for your replies. . It's great that there are others who know what I feel and who see I'm not the crazy one. I need validation. I have never suspected his double life. I saw his roller-coaster like emotions, self-harming tendencies, his black and white thinking towards others, his feelings of emptiness, but I have never realized that he was a liar, he wasn't faithful, he had a double life. I couldn't see what was in front of me. This makes me feel stupid and guilty. If I had been connected to him (as I thought I was), then wouldn't I have sensed this double life?
This is so chaotic for me right now. Blaming myself is one of the hardest part and I can't stop it for now.

We have a son but I am on full NC. He talks to my mum to meet our son. He sees him twice a month. He even doesn't know my new address. I don't think he will give harm to me yet I also don't trust myself any more too.
Besides, he also blocked me after I refused to talk to him. I think my NC makes him angry.

And I wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy new year    

[hope2727]

I didn't know either hun. I was married 12 years and he was flying several thousand miles to see his other partner on a regular basis all under the pretence of working out of town. We were struggling financially and I was working multiple jobs but he was paying for trips to see her and telling her how they were going to get married and move to our home and live in our house. Very scary for both her and I when it was all uncovered. She had no idea and neither did I.

You are not alone in having no idea that it was happening. It is apparently super common. There are so many stories. So many situations where the other party had no idea. You are not alone.

I am glad you are safe. I informed local police of what was happening and they said they were glad to have me on their radar in case I ever called 911 they would have a heads up of how dangerous it could become. I had a counsellor I saw twice a week. I had friends call me morning and night daily to make sure I was locked in the house safe or safe in my truck on my way to work. My husband is a sweet gentle soul but once his lies were uncovered the threat of public shame made him unpredictable. I wasn't willing to die for his madness. Neither should you. Just be super vigilant and set up systems to protect yourself. All my friends knew the panic word was hippo. If I called and said anything like hippo they called police. I taught obedience lessons at the time and planned to tell him I was calling a client to cancel a lesson if he came by and got scary. I kept friends and families numbers under alternate names (Gillie was John in my contact list) and would call her and say I have to cancel Hippos lesson tonight and she would call police. Strangely enough it was her idea for the code word and she was the one who ended up needing it years later. Never underestimate the ability of a mentally ill person to dysregulate and have a psychotic break. I've seen it and its super scary.

Ok I am glad you are safe. Keep moving forward. You are a normal healthy person which makes his behaviour incomprehensible. If you could comprehended it I would be more concerned for you.

[vanx]

clytie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like an awful lot to deal with, and I can relate to feeling overwhelmed, like you will go crazy. I just wanted to commend you for being brave and looking into yourself, observing your feelings and tracing them back to their origin. I feel I can relate and just wanted to share a few suggestions if that's okay. I know it feels like you might lose it but I want to assure you you won't. The thoughts and feelings can rise up, but they will subside, and I believe you have an innate inner peace that can withstand this. I think sometimes we can explore our feelings and learn from them, but also we can simply observe what's coming up without the need to follow the feeling, but just to let it run it's course.
I know you want answers, but I think it's a lot of pressure on yourself to find answers from someone else's behavior. My impression is pwBPD can lack a sense of themselves or why they do what they do. So how could you be expected to know? I know it hurts--I am so sorry, but even though what he did certainly affects you, you deserve to be free from it being about you. You are not responsible for his mental illness, and you really really need to be very kind to yourself. You are NOT stupid. All of us can completely relate. Sorry to give so much advice, but it's difficult to hear you being a little hard on yourself. You deserve to feel better and part of that is not blaming yourself. Guilt is useful to learn from experience, but if it persists, it's just beating yourself up. Please don't do that to yourself, because you are worth so much more Do you have some time for self-care activities? Are you connected with good friends and family?

[Go]

I am so sorry for what you have been subjected to for so long.   The good news is you can like I am now, both understand at last and with it do something about it.  The hot, cold, is very typical of a BPD unfortunately.  I know I was married to one for 25 years. They are like a very expensive restaurant meal, invariable far from filling, certainly not nourishing and leave you always wanting more.  They throw you the odd tit bit and you hunger for more continuously, regurgitating the same sweet lines like a happy puppy with a rapidly deminishing pigs ear.  Unfortunately there is in us a spring of water they need for a while then when they are sated, simply pass us by.  They get thirsty again, they come back, but always on their terms and always stressing the fact we need to make the necessary changes to accommodate them, to achieve their better moods.   

We offer the stability they will never have, but any complexity in other words looking to fill our own deep unmet needs, they cannot deal with... .that's all too hard. The lack of empathy is the key indicator as I see it.  They know how to use it, my word do they... .but only as a weapon of choice, for self aggrandizement  rather than a deep kindness and genuine unconditional love.  There nearest approximation I can find in history is the Empress Catherine the Great at the opera, tears for the story line of something approaching the little match girl, then coming outside into the harsh Russian winter to find her coachman on duty, frozen to death.  Little surprise, she was credited or more accurately discredited as having some 22 lovers.  Remind you of anyone you know?   BPDs on occasion have amazing presence and huge charisma allowing them to rise to heights most mortals like us, will never aspire to, or for that matter have the skills and self serving attitudes necessary, to keep on stepping on people for their own benefit.  Little surprise they leave a substantial dent when they leave.  Think Hitler.  They are clever, artistic, or otherwise very skilled... .they look for kind souls that are forgiving and invariably natural patient healers to act for a time as their rudder... .invariably persons who have been sexually or emotionally abused or formerly strictly controlled by parents, in their life themselves too, as so often they have been themselves, or at least they claim, or are convinced often without evidence they have been.  Deep down though they hate themselves, so they fill this shallowness gap, by the noise of life... .but not too noisy, they can't deal with that for very long.  This invariably leads to either controlling and manipulating actions with those close and when their own handiwork ends up in disaster, they go for a clean slate and run off to have affairs anything to deaden the noise of their own self loathing and distract them from the gross complexity they have created, but now cannot deal with.  We on the other hand, love them for their child like qualities, for the excitement they bring to our often boring lives, we miss them terribly, but like a hurricane awesome and powerful to see in action, but always leave again, what feels too soon, with everything about them in ruins and it always ends in tears and sadness.  Yes the make up sex, you have to wait for ever to have, comes eventually, but what a price one pays in between as any kindness becomes the exception rather than the norm.   We become junkies, hungry, lonely, unloved, poor and run down, all for our ever rarer emotional hit, that is as hollow as their 'I love you... .but if only you were, this that or the other'... .I think the issue (for us, rapidly becoming more damaged souls) is seeing how close they could be, to making someone's life (our life) so very wonderful and on occasion almost manage it, but then drop their bundle and destroy everything they seemed to be investing in. 

When they run off to a relationship with another, he or she, always fills that gap perfectly... .where we could not.   But that is total BS, they have just added a new layer of complexity in their life, you are welded into them forever and they can never again be truly happy as they are not compromising people.  Their greed wants it ALL... .and that is just stupidity.  Sadly they were not investing in you or now any other, they are only investing in themselves, building new castles in the air.  The tell others, oh he or she is soo wonderful, but deep down they are conflicted trying to convince themselves they have not made a mistake with their new victim.   My son has been studying psychology for some years now HD type student.  He points out BPD and narcissistic personality disorder are pretty much the same thing.  BPD tend to be more often women, Narc. more men, but it seems to be at least for me, a very blurry line indeed, certainly so far as their victims are concerned.  I asked him according to the standard texts on the subject are they curable.  He said, No!  The wiring may stem back to a young age and is for all intents and purposes impossible to rewire.  I would venture, from my own personal experience, it is not rewiring as such, but more accurately actual dwarfing of certain mental characteristics, from a certain age onwards. They simple are not present or if so are at the level of a 3 or 5 year old, who's need must always be met first or tantrum.  It could have a lot to do with early sexual assault, certainly some physical abuse as a child, in my wifes case, but the list of reasons is probably too massive to characterise.  One must see that at some point they become calculating and predatory yet cannot internalise what they are actually doing to themselves or others.  The issue as I see it is how a BPD picks there next victim as it were.  You see average normal people that have dated them or moved in with them, even had children with them, get in, then equally as rapidly run away... .very fast in some cases. They are the smart ones, or simply lack the tools to deal with a BPD mind.  It seems in us, the preferred host, there is this healing nurturing side that actually allows them to get away with what is frankly utterly repugnant social disfunction and in many cases morally utterly reprehensible ways.  They alienate quickly our long term friends which begins to leave you often alone and defenseless.  For me a Christian attitude has been frankly my undoing.  The turn the other cheek side and visiting their sins upon myself for failing to have worked hard enough or sacrificing enough to help them, or making excuses for them to everyone, was my constant undoing.  There is certainly nothing wrong with any of that, in a normal balanced loving relationship in fact it is essential for a healthy marriage, to have the others back as it were, but with an BPD this offering of self is utterly abused.
So what is going on in their heads?  It is a continuously unbalanced.
It is never harmonious, nor give and take, it is very sadly... .almost continuously, what is in it for me.  Let's call it Emotional Greed. Oh but they can be so kind, so wonderful at times... .Yeah right? 

Try to think of them as if they are constantly in a business trade, where you are the supplier and they the consumer trade benefits with each other, over what is supposed to be a long term contract period. In other words it should have reciprocity, trading high value needs with each other, which only the other can supply.  So in this trade, you say to them... .I will give you this dollar value, if you buy this many tonne of the very best premium peanuts I can find.  The problem is they invariably cut the deal with us, driving up front a very hard bargain indeed.  You give more ground, then as always supply for nothing up front.  Days, weeks pass, they take all the benefits, ironically often reselling your exquisite efforts for them, as their very own accomplishments to others, meanwhile deriding us for the most microscopic flaws in the contract.  Now the real kicker... .They have taken all, further consuming and often reselling to others for their unquenchable needs and having not been fulfilled nor ever can be, declare we the supplier has breached the contract and so fail to pay a cent of the invoice price for the goods... .We are left deprived of our original goods we might have sold to another and to add to the pain, not a cent in payment, so we essentially lose twice. 

What really gets our goat, they feel fully justified in taking said action. They are emotional (and often equally so) temporal vampires, but sorry to inform you... .at the end of the day, the voice they heed is their own selfish immediate needs and rarely their conscience or one might say, they lack any appeal to ones higher values, typically present in most well balanced genuine and caring adults in a wholesome relationship.  Now our Mr or Mrs fix it kicks in and we further compound this fault because we make excuses for them, but worse still, we feed their ego and fail to transact fair payment in requiring of them to give back what we desperately need.  We go on to write endless single ended contracts, eventually paying with our life, just to get a bit of peace and harmony in the home, let alone anything for ourselves or our most deep and unmet needs.  Consequently we end up having to feed our own egos, by reminding ourselves we are kind, wonderful people and do the best we can is acceptable to man and God.  I have come to the conclusion hearing all the issues they experience on any given day, of their Ground Hog day to day traumatic life, it is always someone else's fault.  I would say to my ex, can't you see you are running head long into a brick wall, but their view of reality is so grossly distorted, they are forever running into them.  Try as you might you cannot awake them from this slumber.  They are intelligent, but utterly belligerent.  Like a child's constant unmet needs, it is invariably nested in flagrant lack of common sense. The catch cry they use, is "It is always someone else's fault"  "Why does this keep on happening to me". 

They finally realise (epiphany) that it not their own fault, the fault clearly lies with the kids, or the spouse, or the boss or their career or anybody else but themselves and run away to do it all over again somewhere else.  They don't pay the price.  I might venture a narcissist is often willing to pay a price to get what they want, but a BPD is always trying to get something for nothing.  Consequently they never develop a real sense of self worth, so play both victim and abuser often at the same time, which is a total mind screw, when all you are trying to do is help them develop a real self image based on fact not fantasy.

They are always the victim and paint others the abusers... .repeating over and over their childhood hang ups.  Consequently the glasses they wear is one of  fighting a demon they see in everybody else, save that one living so very obviously inside themselves.  Sadly there is only a 5 year old child there fighting it, so we think as the great rescuers we are... .we will march in and concur their foe continuously.  We always fail as we must, as it is after all not our fight.  So time and time again, they too often move onto the next great promise of real love, real career, the next poor sucker who may take years like us, to figure out he is being taken for a terrible and very expensive ride.  In my wifes case she rarely could hold down a job for more than a few months. It was a constant source of grief all round.  Finally I am not sure if you see this but financial expenditure is always horrible.  Manic depressive almost.  They decry conservative long term efforts and investment towards consolidation and wealth.  For them they are always after the next big fix, which they throw inordinate energy and resources against, but rarely make a profit, get bored and move onto something new.  Again always someone else's fault.   Hope this helps.  You are like us all,  a little crazy on occasion, but no where near the fruit loop category your soon to be ex BPD displays.  Get out and don't wait 25 years for this vortex to eat you up nearly entirely as I have. 

Get out when there is still a heap of you left and yes there will be something of a hole in your life for perhaps a while, but from day dot, you will begin to start to heal and most importantly begin to better understand yourself and see yourself for the lovely kind and truly valuable human being that you are.
With what you have experienced there is someone out there for you, that will snap you up the moment you have sufficiently healed and learnt to be attracted to the right sort of person for you, so don't put off your next great   adventure and with a little care, you can find someone with whom you can truly be equally yoked and share the long term happiness that each loving and genuine souls deserves.  What I have found so far in my recovery as it were, even without a partner which intermediate stage I am happily embracing, I am just happy at last.  I smile often, even alone driving along and see wonderful people around me and seek to lift their lives with a smile or a kind word.  I have become more powerful in and of myself all garnered from my BPD experience finding infinite means to love others with all their flaws and love myself a little more each day as I seek to be the person I know I can become one day.  A loving, steady and rock Dad.  A person composed of lots of smiles and able to understand and lift and smile, when the world is crashing around as it does on occasion.   Certainly with each day, a wonderful happy place to be.  Yes there is sadness (particularly when tired) for what cannot be, but happiness more by the day, that my life is finding, meaning again and not being perpetually wasted being emptied into a hole that could never be filled and allowing myself to become isolated because of the grossly distorted and damaging influence of another.   
God bless and hang in there.  I love Stephen Covey.  He reminded me many years ago to live a principle centred life as they are inflexible and immovable lighthouses and guideposts, even when deeply in the dark, in our lives.  Through this terrible ordeal of a quarter century, that was the guide to my rudder, when I was being tossed asunder and aside too often.  The BPD will pull themselves away from you as a consequence of your self empowerment.  My ex once said, in a more reflective moment, I cannot be where you are.  You are growing stronger by the day, the kids love you more and me less. You have an inner light I cannot find, we are both very different people heading in very different directions.  She got that right.  She was realising she could no longer suck me dry, feed off insecurity by abuse. My self image is based on higher principles. One who's values are based on a higher power means darkness always gives way to light though the crescent of the rising sun at dawn may take a little time to emerge fully into your new and wonderful life in its entirety.  Be patient and be still and know you are not alone.  You are loved and cared for, we know what you face and we face daily, but most of all we believe that you can triumph and with all our prayers for each other I am sure we will.  I am constantly reminded evil (and with its attendant sadness) was put on earth for no other purpose, than that good (and with it comes no shortage of hope and happiness) may triumph over it.
So be still and get to know the Divine.  Equally as importantly, get to know, rediscover even, your true self that has grown and now prospered from such difficult circumstances, allow the true you to at last develop and emerge. Get to know and at last greatly respect how wonderful is that person you, certainly worthy of far far more, which with each day, it grows ever closer than you can imagine.  So smile a LOT, and be happy at being able to at last dodge this perpetually destructive bullet.  God Bless.
Regards Go

[clytie]

I am still not fine. All painful thoughts and feelings has  risen up since he blocked me on whatsapp. This is so confusing. I especially can't stop thinking of his hurtful last affair. I am not sure if they see each other right now as I am still on NC. But it lasted 3 years. He ate my meals, wore the clothes I washed and ironed, he shared my bed , he abused me in all kinds of ways. He behaved like I wasn't there most of the time, he criticized and blamed me constantly, he refused to sleep with me most of the time and when we slept he was rude and unconnected- it wasn't making love and when I asked about this he said he was in depression and I should have understand him. He usually talked about killing himself, which put great stress on me. Withholding his emotions and maintaining distance were the two worst things I have experienced for the last 3 years. He spent his hours on his mobile or computer. Finally, I was the one who was really angry all the time. I also did hurtful things. Then he started to play the victim and use this to create more distance between us.
At this point what hurts most is that he was sharing love, sexuality, romance with another woman, and telling me "please don't cheat on me." He HAD all of these in his life. He said he was going business trips and spent at least a week with her once a month while I was waiting for him with our son.  I was so lonely /no intimacy/ no compassion/ no hugs / in my life trying to figure out what was happening. He put me in a kind of prison. I let this happen because I thought we were a family, and he was in depression. I tried to keep my family and our 21 year r/s together.
And now it is him who is angry with me, still blaming me and thinks I have deserved all of this. My son says he looks happy, always on the phone, he buys new clothes and furniture. He has a cat now too.
And I am the one still crying, angry, and trying to move on.
when will I be ok? All of this is not FAIR. I need justice. I pray everyday just for peace and justice.

[babyducks]

Hi clytie,

You've received a huge blow and over the years a lot of abuse.   That abuse and the damage it caused will take a while to be worked out.

For me it was like this.    When my relationship imploded, it was like I fell into a deep deep pit.    The first couple of weeks of trying to get out of the pit were a desperate and agonizing struggle.  I was clawing at the walls trying to get up and out.   

After a little while I could see the light at the top of the pit and the climb became easier.   It will for you too.   It's going to take some time.   You didn't get to where you are over night.    It will take some grieving.   Grieving the relationship we thought we once had.    And acceptance.   That regardless of the effort we put in things weren't what we thought and didn't turn out the way we hoped.

You are doing the right things.   Keep coming here and posting.    Try to make sure you take good care of yourself.    Eat well,  drink lots of water... .try for a little exercise, a little outdoor time, when the weather permits, give yourself breaks,  be gentle with yourself.

'ducks

[zeus123]

A monster, full of pain. It despises itself and desperately seeks for someone to save it. In despair, it sings a siren song, promising heaven, projecting itself as the avatar of a chosen saviour's needs and desires.
"They will be the one to make me feel whole.loved" it thinks.

The monster can never be loved, as it doesn't dare to show it's true self; lost under a mountain of hatred, shame and guilt.

The chosen saviour falls in love with the monster's projection, the promise of heaven, of temptation and they themselves will feel whole; filling the pained void in their heart of childhood trauma.

For a while, the two experience an immense feeling of love and wholeness, becoming completely attached and dependent upon one another.

For the monster, the feeling can never last. Once it recognize that the saviour no longer makes them feel whole, it is in that instant that it realizes it had lied to itself. Suddenly, the monster is washed over by an immense wave of desperate fear and shame at being found out for the lies it had told. This revelation is not thought but felt.

In overwhelming self disgust, the monster runs away. In fear of being punished, it invokes an all mighty punishment against its former lover; ignoring, abandoning, rejecting, forgetting, pretending that they were never in love, projecting their former saviour as the monster and casting them into the abyss.

Still desperately in love, the saviour, now conditioned, dependant slave and addict, feels utterly betrayed, shocked and alone. The saviour's hope dies and they suffer a grey, pallid death of the spirit. The substitutes to which they once bonded their ego in order to fill the void of their soul are shattered, leaving a huge, gaping wound; bringing back the raw pain of every trauma they ever suffered. It is in this time that the saviour will either learn from their mistakes and become wise, reborn, or will die to become a monster themselves.

The monster, in pain, inevitably moves on to a new victim as saviour, refusing accountability for their actions due to their incredible shame. They are therefore trapped in never-ending cycle of abuse and trauma. Each of the lost, shipwrecked souls at the siren's shore weighing down like a pile of corpses ontop their mountain of self-hatred, growing ever taller.

[clytie]

Dear Zeus,
Your story and metaphors make great sense, but it is hard to 'accept' these 100% as I have spent half of my life with him. I can't believe he has deceived me for so long. My mind says sth, my emotions say sth else. I hate this confusion and pain.
 
Thanks to Go's story, I realized that they can have long term r/s too. I know I am not alone. If only i had known this disorder before.

He didn't unblock me even on New Year's eve. He didn't talk to his son either  . This was my first NY eve without him in 20 years. He has never been this cruel before. This time (for the first time in 21 years) he really hates me.

I don't want him back in my life, yet being noone/ nothing is really painful.

Vanx is so right. They don't know what they are doing. They even don't know who they are. They are illusions  .

I should concentrate on being a good mum and heal my wounds, of course... .

[clytie]

Today, I did something I shouldn't have done ( because I try to stay NC); and I read some of his writings from the end of 90s... .They reminded me of your reply dear Zeus.
In the writings, my BPD ex was mentioning the "monster" (he exactly used this word) in him. He said "the monster is crying with pain and shame. It is from the dark. It tries to capture my self and it wants/needs blood." Then he adds addressing to me "Can you struggle with this monster? Can you defeat it despite its evilness? Will you stay? I am not afraid of your leaving, I am afraid of myself more... ."

When I first read them (before I knew BPD), I thought these were just literature (he writes poems, short stories etc and reads really literary books)... .but now I realize that he depicted his disorder. He is an intelligent person, and he hasn't known BPD, yet he has seen it too. I feel so sorry... .

I should stop trying to understand him. I should stop making excuses for his abuse. I should come to my senses immediately. One part of me doesn't want to contact him and still very angry; but the other part of me still struggles not letting him go and wants to fix everything. This is a big fight inside me. Fortunately, I listen to the first part and keep NC.