BPD Partner

[tornado02]

Hi. The guy I've been seeing for over a year now has BPD. I'm a social work student, so I recognized that he had mental health issues almost immediately. But it didn't seem like anything too overwhelming and I've liked him from the moment I met him, so I didn't give it too much thought.

Then one day I realized that I was spending more and more energy fighting with him. I'm not a fighter. Fiery, fiercely independent, and assertive/direct? Sure. But not a fighter. My empathy & desire to be kind toward everyone are the two components of myself that I am the most proud of. Yet here I was, getting caught up in this whirlwind of anger & vitriol.

I realized something was very wrong & began digging. At first I thought, 'maybe he's a narcissist'. It fit, but not really. Then I found BPD. I knew right away. I spent days devouring everything I could find on the subject, from blogs to peer-reviewed research. I made sure to wait for the right time to bring it up to him, during one of his tender times. He didn't agree. He suggested bipolar. I knew that wasn't accurate, but was simply happy to see that he recognized an underlying issue. He wouldn't come to agree for months. Even after taking one of the books I had bought about it & reading it. He tried to tell me that I had BPD, which was absurd.

A few months & two citations later, he finally agreed with me. He talked to his counselor about it, who he (allegedly) had to convince because she wanted to diagnose him with OCD & intermittent explosive anger or something to that extent. Now he's going to weekly DBT treatments and seeing his counselor individually twice a month.

I don't know what to do. Every time he "ends" things, I catch myself feeling a glimmer of relief at first. Then heartbreak. Then fear & anxiety. I know what addiction feels like. How do I distinguish between love & addiction? Lust? Between love & the neurological implications of maintaining this level of intimacy, not to mention sex, with someone for this long? As I'm sure you can imagine, I have a tendency to be codependent- more out of a deep-seeded need to be a caretaker (hence, social work) than anything else. I grew up in a large family where I was held to extremely unhealthy expectations of providing care to my siblings, way beyond your average older sister/babysitter. I also suffered at the hands of an abuser in my childhood. In short, I've spent 20-something years of my life being conditioned to tolerate having my boundaries disrespected.

The fact that he sought out DBT and started going of his own accord makes me feel so hopeful. When I asked what brought on the sudden desire to start going, he told me that he wanted to do whatever it took to make our relationship work & that he wanted be stronger for both of our sake's. For a while, he seemed to be doing really well. Noticeably better not only to me but to our friends & coworkers as well. He was self-regulating. Recognizing when he was being unreasonable before he escalated. Taking time to breathe & be mindful in order to calm himself down.

I'm here because I'm exhausted. I think his bad behavior is escalating. He's threatened to kill himself twice in the last week, which I've never heard from him before. He's facing sanctions at our school for violating the code of conduct (for breaking into my house), which is (I think) why he's being so much more borderliney than usual lately. I can't keep fighting with him, always over nothing. When he's out of control, he calls me every name in the book, screams at me, cries, slams things, begs me to agree with whatever he's saying, then "ends" our relationship when I won't. I put it in quotations because he's ended our relationship 4 or 5 times in the last 6 weeks. For the most part, I'm desensitized to these outbursts. He storms out, I put my phone on do not disturb, and go to sleep knowing that I'll hear from him the next morning when he's calmed down. The suicide threats are what I cannot handle. I've lost a best friend and a cousin to suicide and that level of emotional vehemence not only makes me feel afraid for his safety, but for my own as well. After his outburst Thursday night, I spent all of Friday in a daze... My internship supervisor realized something was wrong within 2 minutes of talking to me. I don't even have words for the rawness of the emotions I experienced. Shock, horror, fear... all of it. The aftermath of which was the emotional equivalent of the way your nervous systems feels after an injury has stopped hurting- buzzing and exhausted from processing the pain.

This man is brilliant (really brilliant- one of the smartest people I've ever met), thoughtful, fun, strong, and almost child-like in his fascination and appreciation of the world around him. I cherish so much about him. Truly, truly cherish. He's one of my very best friends.


Help.

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[foggydew]

Hi there, Tornado! Has your name got a special meaning? It certainly seems like it! Sorry to hear you are feeling so exhausted; I can really understand that, after having dealt with difficult people all my life.
You say you are a social work student - but that is what you do for your work. Your relationships in private are not part of your practice, and shouldn't be. You are not your boyfriend's therapist, and trying to be doesn't help anyone. Especially not you. He is not your responsibility, he is his own responsibility. Stand back and give him room. I know it is difficult for social work students - I spent 15 years teaching at a school for social work. But you surely know how important this is. He also sounds willing to try to improve... that is a start. Have you worked through the lessons and tools on here?
 One of the things that helped me when my mother was berating me in an alcohol induced fuzz was to read a book and let her stuff wash over me. I hardly noticed much of it. This helped with later relationships too - the ability to detach and let their aggression run itself out at times. Why fight? Why be right? It causes sleepless nights. When my BPD person is off on one (and it happens because they can't always deal with their emotions) I try SET, and if they are too far gone, just SE without T. Time enough for the rest when they have cooled down. But you seem to be on this track anyway. For the suicide threats (which I have also had to deal with) I think you should talk with a professional at your school/university because this is something which is more than normally worrying for you because of your experiences.
You say your friend is almost child-like in his fascination of the world around him. Yes, and child like in his reactions and inability to deal with his problems. It's not a sin, but it is difficult to deal with.
I think the big thing is to look after yourself first - only if you are feeling OK can you deal with your relationship with this volatile man.

[pearlsw]

Hi tornado02,



Welcome to family! Your story struck a note for me - I can relate to having a brilliant partner who at times seems too much. I also share your sense of self in terms of thinking "Hey, I can communicate and get along here, what is going on? And the part about being "independent and even fiery but not a fighter."

The suicide threats he is making are very troubling. I wish I had more personally to offer, hopefully other members will add in here, but I think you need some kind of plan in place to handle this so you can maintain your own balance. I am not sure if you have seen it yet, but this page should provide some support Topic: 3.06 | Suicide ideation in others: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

For the other situations are using validation? And please, please as one woman to another, be careful about how this affects your career. I went a long stretch in life without anyone getting in the way of mine, but at some point I did have a partner who did some damage to my educational/career pursuits by his gigantic life issues. If I could say anything to myself from earlier in life I would say keep fighting for yourself in life and don't let ANYONE take you off track!

take care!