Need help

[CANDG]

Hi.  I've been going to therapy for a few years now, trying to figure out a way to understand and manage my relationship with my borderline mother. I have been distancing myself from the chaos and am not sure how to successfully do this anymore.  My dad committed suicide 13 days ago and I can't look or talk to my mother as I am dealing with a lot of guilt, blame, etc. I am trying to protect myself and my 9 year old child and I am being torn into pieces because I can't be there for my mom and be healthy at the same time.  I am not sure what to do.  I am reading my Stop Walking on Eggshells book and talking to my ongoing therapist but it doesn't seem like it's enough.

[Panda39]

Hi CANDG,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad.   

I think focusing on yourself and your son right now is a good way to go.  I'm sure you are both grieving the loss.  Take time to take care of yourself and your son.  It's okay to put yourself first.

Panda39

[Turkish]

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad... .I can only imagine how this triggers and hurts your mother,  even if she weren't BPD.

What kinds of guilt and blame are you feeling? Is this coming from your mother?

T

[CANDG]

My mom is on a tangent, blaming everyone for his death from my sister, to his biological daughter (from another marriage), to the family dog dying last year to the Trump presidency.  It's all everyone else's fault.  Never her and she will never ever look in the mirror to see what she may have contributed. But he left their home after a huge fight (one of many) with screaming, blaming, divorce talk (again), emotional abuse and even physical violence from her and then she has no idea why he took a gun to his head and wrote that he cannot live with her and he cannot live without her. 
It's the never-ending roller coaster ride and the only reason I pick up the call is out of fear, guilt and obligation.  Every bone in my body is telling me to run in the opposite direction and keep my daughter away from the drama and my guilt tells me I can't leave this relationship at a time like this.  The problem however is that there is always another reason why I keep from leaving. And so it continues... .and eventually I will be the one that is as unhealthy as he was because of the toxicity. Because I don't want to to talk to her, I am a "fair-weather friend" that will "never be forgiven" and if I don't allow her to see my daughter, then she will kill herself, too.  This is the stuff I deal with... .and I'm just so done.

[Turkish]

Again,  I'm sorry that your dad felt that what he decided was his choice to escape his pain. At one point,  I felt like dying (passively,  not active SI) with my uBPDx.

It goes without saying that this is traumatic all around. As the father of 5 and 7 year olds,  I would limit contact to protect them of I were in your shoes. 

How is D9's relationship with her grandmother though? Can you imagine her viewpoint,

[Panda39]

My mom is on a tangent, blaming everyone for his death from my sister, to his biological daughter (from another marriage), to the family dog dying last year to the Trump presidency.  It's all everyone else's fault. 

People with BPD can't accept blame, they can't tolerate it, shame is too painful to them, so one dysfunctional coping mechanism is to blame shift.  She literally can't face this situation so she'll put blame on a bowl of fruit if it helps ease her pain.  Remember at the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment.  Death is the ultimate form of abandonment. 

I know you're hurting and she's hurting but in my opinion placing blame for your dad's dealth just makes everything worse... .more painful for everyone.

... .wrote that he cannot live with her and he cannot live without her. 

It's so incredibly sad that he felt so trapped, that he couldn't see another way out. 

Every bone in my body is telling me to run in the opposite direction and keep my daughter away from the drama and my guilt tells me I can't leave this relationship at a time like this.

So your "gut" is telling you something, maybe you can find a place to be in between "full contact" or the way things have always been and going no contact with your mom.  Can you gradually cut back some of the contact you have with your mom?  Create some space for yourself.  Maybe don't jump to answer every phone call, don't always be available at the drop of a hat?  Maybe try communication through email vs phone calls?

Because I don't want to to talk to her, I am a "fair-weather friend" that will "never be forgiven" and if I don't allow her to see my daughter, then she will kill herself, too. 

This is a perfect example of FOG see it for what it is... .emotional blackmail.  Suicide Threats? Tell her you will call the police, if the threats continue... .call the police and ask them to do a wellness check on her, get professionals involved and take yourself out of a situation that you are not trained to handle.

Hang in there and take care of yourself and your daughter 

Panda39

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry to hear about your father

Please take care of yourself. If this means distancing yourself from your mother for a while, or a longer time , do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your child.

My father died of natural causes, but watching how my mother treated him was tough. I was also dealing with my own grief at losing my father. I could only manage so much of being around her.

Counseling can help- for you and for your child- to deal with the grief and the shock and the feelings.

I think you have said this yourself- you can not "be there" for your mother and take care of your own sanity at the same time. My hope for you is to know that you can put yourself and your family first here. Take care of you

[CANDG]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful words and good advice.  I spoke to my mom yesterday and let her know that although we have been taking some personal time to ourselves lately, we would like to make plans to see her over Christmas. I however mentioned that t I didn't think it was a good idea to leave my daughter there on her own without me.  My daughter wants to be with me and her friends and our other family (who all no longer speak to my mom).  I mentioned that we are dealing with the bereavement as well and that we are seeking professional help through this difficult time. I recommended that she may try and get some help too (in a very nice way) because no one should have to deal with such trauma on their own. I told her I was sorry that she was going through all of this but I also limited the call and what I would listen to and now I'm a horrible daughter again.   She screamed and hung up on me.  After multiple calls trying to call me back without my answering, she wrote me a very disturbing and just AWFUL email, as usual.  I have blocked her number for a while because I can't take the emotional abuse but I am worried now.  I always think that she may hurt herself but these days, I actually worry that she will hurt me.  My family and friends are really worried about me and that causes me to worry now, too.  I understand this forum is for people trying to live with a loved one that has BPD but it is getting to the point that I don't want to live with my loved one at all anymore.  I want to break up with my mom.  God... .how does one do that?