Introduction

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi! I'm new to this site but have come seeking some advice.

My mother has never received a diagnosis of BPD but my counselor and my sister's counselor have both speculated that she has it. Through the help of an amazing counselor, I personally have come a long way on this journey. Over the past five years, I have taken great steps in understanding my childhood, putting up healthier boundaries with my mom and healing my own heart.

However, there are concerns I still am not sure how to address. I was with her this Thanksgiving and she tried one of her classic moves: she wants me to soothe her anxiety. As long as I can remember, she has lived in a constant state of regret particularly over any decision that involves money. She is never settled with any decision she makes but spends a lot of her energy feeling anxious that she didn't make the right choice and she really sinks everyone around her with her anxiety hyper-focusing on that one thing.

Right when I walked into the house for Thanksgiving, she came to me regretting not buying some kids crafts that were on sale. The conversation started out awkward and weird because my kids just went to the table to do some crafts with the other kids already there. I had zero background information that she had brought those crafts that were already there but was wishing she had purchased some other ones. I faltered and said something little like "Oh, no, these are fine. See? The kids are enjoying them," and then changed the conversation.

Perhaps that was the best way through without creating more drama than necessary. But I also felt like I was caught off guard and that I have been pretty clear with her that I cannot be her emotional support. I want her to take responsibility for her own emotions and not rely on me to do it for her. I feel angry that she tried.

For her credit, she has found some friends to talk to more and she hasn't done in a while. Her relationship with my older sister is very different-- she frequently dumps on her and accuses her of the worst things... .so by no means is my mom getting healthier but she is learning to respect my boundaries better. So, I feel like I've been starting to trust being around her more often (after having pulled pretty far away from the family) and then this same behavior cropped up again.

In your opinion, should I have handled it any differently? Should I circle back around and revisit it with her now telling her that it made me feel mad? Or should I leave it be, and if it happens again, should I just be ready to say something more direct next time. If so, what?

[Sparrow112]

Hi! I'm new to this site but have come seeking some advice.

My mother has never received a diagnosis of BPD but my counselor and my sister's counselor have both speculated that she has it. Through the help of an amazing counselor, I personally have come a long way on this journey. Over the past five years, I have taken great steps in understanding my childhood, putting up healthier boundaries with my mom and healing my own heart.

However, there are concerns I still am not sure how to address. I was with her this Thanksgiving and she tried one of her classic moves: she wants me to soothe her anxiety. As long as I can remember, she has lived in a constant state of regret particularly over any decision that involves money. She is never settled with any decision she makes but spends a lot of her energy feeling anxious that she didn't make the right choice and she really sinks everyone around her with her anxiety hyper-focusing on that one thing.

Right when I walked into the house for Thanksgiving, she came to me regretting not buying some kids crafts that were on sale. The conversation started out awkward and weird because my kids just went to the table to do some crafts with the other kids already there. I had zero background information that she had brought those crafts that were already there but was wishing she had purchased some other ones. I faltered and said something little like "Oh, no, these are fine. See? The kids are enjoying them," and then changed the conversation.

Perhaps that was the best way through without creating more drama than necessary. But I also felt like I was caught off guard and that I have been pretty clear with her that I cannot be her emotional support. I want her to take responsibility for her own emotions and not rely on me to do it for her. I feel angry that she tried.

For her credit, she has found some friends to talk to more and she hasn't done in a while. Her relationship with my older sister is very different-- she frequently dumps on her and accuses her of the worst things... .so by no means is my mom getting healthier but she is learning to respect my boundaries better. So, I feel like I've been starting to trust being around her more often (after having pulled pretty far away from the family) and then this same behavior cropped up again.

In your opinion, should I have handled it any differently? Should I circle back around and revisit it with her now telling her that it made me feel mad? Or should I leave it be, and if it happens again, should I just be ready to say something more direct next time. If so, what?

[No-One]

Hi Sparrow112:
I'm so sorry you have had problems with your mom.   It is understandable that you don't want to be your mom's therapist, or to hear constant complaining and a need for constant validation.  Is your father in the picture?

She is never settled with any decision she makes but spends a lot of her energy feeling anxious that she didn't make the right choice and she really sinks everyone around her with her anxiety hyper-focusing on that one thing.

I had zero background information that she had brought those crafts that were already there but was wishing she had purchased some other ones. I faltered and said something little like "Oh, no, these are fine. See? The kids are enjoying them," and then changed the conversation.

In your opinion, should I have handled it any differently? Should I circle back around and revisit it with her now telling her that it made me feel mad? Or should I leave it be, and if it happens again, should I just be ready to say something more direct next time. If so, what?

I think you handled it well.  You gave her some validation and then changed the topic.  It sounds like an emotionally intelligent move on your part.  Even people without BPD can be insecure, by 2nd guessing their own decisions and seeking validation. Validation can be a good tool to use with people with BPD or BPD traits.  (doesn't mean that you agree with their feelings, just that you acknowledge them).  Understandable, a lot of validation can be exhausting. Sometimes, the best strategy is to just don't invalidate. 

The only thing you can control is the way you interact and react to your mom.  Your mom won't likely change about her anxiety with making decisions and always 2nd guessing herself.  If there was something about the crafts you could share for the future, then you could share that.  (i.e. the children really like XYZ crafts.  Just sharing it for a future opportunity). Sounds like you didn't like the crafts she provided.  The only way she can learn what might be more appropriate is if you share that information.

If after you changed the subject, she comes back at you with further discussion regarding the crafts, then you'd need to calmly let her know that that issue is resolved and change the subject again.

One way to look at it is why did you let it make you angry?  If she were saying awful things about you, that would be a reason to get mad.  I know you wish your mom wasn't so needy in regard to seeking validation about her decision making, but I don't think that calling her and discussing your anger about the crafts situation will add any value.  I'd say keep doing what you did.  Be calm and kind and shut down further discussion and change the topic. 

It sounds like you have made progress with boundaries with your mom.   Is it your goal that she never approach you for validation on anything?   

What are some of the awful things your mom says to your sister?  Have you discussed boundary setting with your sister?