Help

[Justin131]

I’m having difficulty coping with my ex-girlfriend who I believe has BPD.  I don’t know where to begin except I’m left shattered, confused, and have trouble putting the pieces together of what went wrong in our relationship. Things were so perfect in the beginning where she mirrored and idolized everything about me. I truly felt like she was a soulmate I’ve been looking to settle down with. Then after a few months she projected a lot of insecurities about friends in my life and was constantly pressuring me to isolate myself from them. We dated long distance so I figured she was insecure and jealous because she didn’t have an opportunity to spend much time with me. Many months later I am realizing I made the worst mistake by isolating myself. I started losing friends because she would have strong opinions or would make unnecessary comments that would make me believe they were someone who they weren’t. Needless to say, my personal and social life lost its balance and harmony was disrupted. I felt like a tsunami hit me one day and couldn’t understand why she had such strong opinions over certain matters. It almost felt like she took me for granted or didn’t accept me.
Dating long distance was fun because we got to travel and experience new places but I felt like  our time together lacked genuine and meaningful connections. That was a huge red flag for me and when trying to discuss this issue, I was always put down for being insecure and too needy. This was a pivotal point in the relationship because I was trying to understand her core values and seeing if they would align with mine. Unfortunately we clashed a lot and we ended up having over the top and out of character arguments. I’m a fairly easy person and can channel my frustrations pretty well but every time we argued felt like she didn’t care. Arguments became more frequent and often unresolved. We couldn’t even agree to disagree. Whenever I try to diffuse the situation or offered advice, a blame shift occurred and suddenly everything inherently became my fault. So many boundaries were crossed and I’m ashamed for retaliating by saying some hurtful things. Even after I apologize, she never truly forgave me. She would accept my apology but would deem to never forget. She would always reference back to all the arguments we had and blame me for who she turned in to. There were many times she emotionally abused me to the point of me blocking her number and trying to end the relationship. Some how she still was able to get a hold of me and begged me to not leave her and promised she would change her behavior.
This happened so many times and felt trap in an unhealthy & dysfunctional relationship.
Her whole perception of me changed and she really started to devalue our relationship and treated me like I was the worst person in her life. Often I was being used as a punching bag for her to vent her frustrations over how much she can’t coupe with responsibility and or has difficulty getting a long with people. She felt like the world was against her and that bad luck followed her everywhere.
The breakup was extreme and was not like any normal breakup I have ever experienced. No matter how many times I’ve attempted to part ways I’m always drawn back. I need help for myself and wish she could get help as well. There’s some personal issues involving her that I wish to keep private, but I feel like there’s an obligation I have to make sure she is ok. What steps can I take and how can we get her the help she needs?

[JustNeedToTalk]

Hi, I feel your pain.  How long has it been since the break up?  Can you provide more detail?  Why was it so bad?  Mine was a terrible break up, very volatile and abusive (and I accept my part in this now).  You can't get help for her, she needs to realise this herself.  My ex left promising to get help and I supported him even after his cheating.  But then the attacks started when I questioned his real commitment to improving.  He never had any intention of getting help.  Are you in contact?

These people have a way of mirroring you, you end up falling in love with yourself, the version of yourself they have painted themselves to be, I'm not sure if they subconsciously do it or can really read us, my ex said he could read people.  But when the acting becomes tiresome for them or they feel we are starting to recognise the signs of their issues the devaluation starts.

Please think of yourself right now and gain some perspective on the break up.  I have been nearly 2 months breakup, nearly 5 weeks no contact.  I'm still in so much pain but I have started therapy and improving myself.  You need to do the same, it's horrible to hear and I hated hearing it but it so true.  Listen to all the comments about self help, they work.  These relationship are probably the most toxic, emotional, loving, and dangerous things we will ever go through, regardless of age and gender.

You say your exBPDgf had issues which you wish to keep private, you can private message people on here if your wish to provide more detail to anyone you find a connection in your stories with, but I have found on here when people tell their stories so much of us have suffered the same just in a different environment.

Take care and keep posting

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Justin, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  What makes you think that your Ex suffers from BPD?  It's unclear to me.  It seems like something was missing in your relationship.  What was it?  Love?  Kindness?  Connection?  Good sex?  Mutual friends?  Fill us in when you can.

LuckyJim