Daughter with BPD and serious medical issues

[KCat]

My daughter is facing complex kidney surgery next week and I realized that, despite my having shifted to minimal contact last Feb,I'm feeling anxious and sensing the dark clouds of a a major blowout gathering. At first she asked me to be at the hospital with her which I agreed to.  She is 39 years old and lives 2 hours away from me.  The hospital is in a major city and I've spent a lot of time making arrangements for transportation which will be costly and inconvienient .  The hostipital is very strict about visitors and allows only two per day.  When I told her that I would be there whichever day was best for her since she has already lined up 2 friends for the first day but I needed a date in order to make reservations.  She waited several days before sending me an email saying that what she really needed was not my being at the hospital, but for someone (meaning me) to take care of her when she gets home.  This is not possible for me for many reasons,  the first being that my 18 year old car is on its last wheels and where she lives is in the mountains where they get snow and ice regularlly.
I am 74 years old, live in a small apt. and have a home health aide twice a week to do things that I can't do.  My daughter is recently divorced, and has a large house on 2 acres which requires a lot of upkeep.  She is also a vegan and the slightest mistake in the cooking will set off a tyrade.In addition there are 6 cats to take care of and a woodstove that is used for heat.
She was told that her recovery time would be 2 to 3 months with many restrictions.  I said that she would need professional help and she balked.  She hasn't gotten back to me about the reservations which I haven't persued as I know that would deteriorate quickly. At this point  I'm actually hoping to avoid the whole thing.
It's only a matter of time before I'm cast as the wicked witch which she'll broadcast to everyone who will listen.  I had decided that in my keeping with minimal contact I would visit her at the Hospital and then step back but she makes everything into a crisis and drama.  I'm so fed up with this routine I may have to resort to no contact to protect my own sanity.  I've been treated for depression, anxiety and PTSD from decades of dealing with her needs and demands.  She has been hospitalized  for both mental health and medical issues so many times I can't count.  Her father abandoned her at age 2 so it all fell on me. 

I know that all of us have difficult stories and I'm grateful for this site.  It's helped me feel that I'm not alone.  I haven't heard from anyone who is dealing with both issues.  I would so like to hear from someone who has a similar situation.

With thanks,

KCat

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

I have 3 immediate family members who have BPD, though I am not a mother. My heart goes out to you, as no matter what you do the BPD will push your boundaries and trash you to others, as a BPD cannot take responsibility for the chaos they cause.  It sounds like you are doing a great job in setting boundaries with your daughter, and yet it still hurts, and it is very stressful.